Believe You Are Lovely

#twentyonepilots

We all want this, right? To be lovely. For someone to think we are lovely, then make us believe that we are. I have put a lot of thought into this. I have said many times that I find it hard to think of myself as lovely. Kind? Pretty sure I'm good at that one. Thoughtful, I hope so. Happy? I sure try to be. Positive? Almost always. Fun? Most of the time. Witty? Rarely, though my Meghan says I am getting better. But beautiful? Pretty? Lovely???? Not often. I tend to think of lovely as the epitome of what a human should strive for because it not only points out physical beauty-it encompasses the beauty of the body, mind, spirit and soul-all culminating in the outward appearance of loveliness.  So maybe parts of me are lovely...

In general I like Heather. I have worked on her a long time. Heather has made many, many mistakes, and will continue to do so. Heather has learned a lot. Heather has tried to better herself in many ways. I have overcome mountains of obstacles, like many of my wonderful friends and counterparts. Yet there's that unattainable goal-to be considered lovely. Quite frankly, I have been yearning to be lovely my whole life. Sometimes this has resulted in producing the exact opposite outcome. In vying to be lovely for someone-for many, I have let myself be used and abused and taken advantage of-causing self-loathing and regret. Yet I am a firm believer that anything worthwhile takes work-and lots of it. So I continue to search and put in the time to find the right combination of qualities for me to consider myself lovely. 

Lately I feel this bothering my spirit more intensely. I don't know if it is because I am getting older and feel that any natural beauty I might have had is fading already. I don't know if the state of the world-and the wonder of how much longer it can go on-makes me a little frantic to make a lasting mark of some beauty for those behind me. My health scares me on a regular basis and I do stop and wonder what impression I will have left on this world...and I know it sounds vain, but I want to leave this world knowing somebody thought I was lovely-even for a moment. I have a constant drive to make sure others know they are lovely-in all ways. It's so easy for me to see in EVERYONE around me. But in myself, I am lacking. I am not so blind that I don't see the things that God has blessed me with. I count my blessings. My talents. My gifts-and I thank Him with my whole heart. I know I'm not ugly. I know I have graces and ways about me that are not hard to be around. But oh, to be lovely, and for me to love me...that I strive for. And I feel that others are striving for this as well. It seems that everywhere I turn-the radio, a talk in church, and article posted on social media, a post by a dear friend, so many of us find it easy to love others, but never think of loving ourselves. Why is it so hard?

I don't have the answer to that . I have an idea that comparison plays a huge part in self-doubt, but I also feel that we are our own worst critics. Comparison really is the thief of joy and robs us of potential. Think of all the things you could do if you believed fully in yourself. To feel truly lovely-I can hardly imagine-but I want to get there. It's entirely possible, but not easy. The catch is that no matter who you are, you have to find it in yourself to view yourself as lovely. Oh, there's help. People help. Those who love us and feed our souls with their love most certainly make a difference. Situations to use the gifts given to us by our maker can build like nothing else. Chances to see the loveliness placed inside us are all around. Notice them. The people around you sure do. Be the one coating those around you with kind, sincere words and truthful accolades. It all adds up. It builds them up, and works on your foundation too. Then it's up to you. Whether you believe in the devil, in evil, or just opposition of the universe, it's there, and it will most assuredly try to knock you down and make you think it can't be done. What better way to stop progression and good works than to fill the inhabitants of this world with self doubt? Don't be the next victim. You're more lovely than that. Find your beauty. Look for your own loveliness. It's allowed. It's okay. And you can do it over and over again. It's not a one time deal. You can look for it again and again, and keep finding more. It will actually do the rest of the world more good than you can imagine. If you get hung up for a minute, I'll help you see it. I WILL MAKE YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE LOVELY. Maybe you can help me see that I'm lovely too. We'll make a lovely world all together. And I will be grateful. 

Not Cool

Tell em, boys!

As humans we all get the opportunity to experience a wide range of emotions. In a lifetime,  a person can cycle through the entire gamut.  Joy, sadness,  pain, pleasure, guilt, elation, pride, empathy,  anger, fear, excitement , anticipation of both good and bad,  disappointment, approval, grief, despair, contentment.....the list goes on. I have already blogged about my least favorite of emotions-that being guilt. I'll say it as again. It's an utterly useless emotion.     https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2018/03/guilt-trip.html

I have a rival in the running for least favorite emotion, and that is jealousy. Yuck. Another useless, damaging emotion. An ugly, messy emotion. It takes the best of people and turns them into unrecognizable beings. It pulls out any ugly lurking beneath the surface and exposes it in full. It solves nothing. It creates drama. It takes the human experience and turns it into something nasty and distasteful. Jealousy is the root of all evil, whether you start with Cain and Abel, or look at the jealousy paired with lust for power that has gone on during horrific events in the history of our world. Jealousy is always a player in taking down nations, breaking up families, and destroying friendships. It is truly evil.

I need to say right now that jealousy is a human, instinctive reaction that comes with the bundle of emotions we get to experience. We have all been there, though I feel the point is not to stay there. The damaging, though normal knee jerk reaction of being jealous needs to be harnessed quickly and replaced with either a reality check or a healthier emotion. The sooner the view is changed, the less poison that results from jealousy will be absorbed.

Some would argue that jealousy has a purpose because it exposes our protective nature and helps us defend what us ours. This is where we have to make the distinction. Jealousy and protectiveness, by definition, are NOT the same.
Never, for a moment, be fooled that jealousy equates with care.

Jealousy is mean. It's toxic and selfish. Jealousy is controlling. It holds no trust. It's demeaning and does not fulfill. It gives no reward. It eats away at heart and soul. It gives no ownership to the relationship and takes power away. It does not facilitate a trusting relationship. It is evil.

Love is protection. It HEALS and repairs. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love sees the best and embraces trust in the other party.  Love gives clarity. It gives purpose and ownership. It gives and doesn't take away. It is goodness and fulfillment. It is the joy every human searches for. Love is the bomb. It's the be all and end all of the human experience.

And just in case you have any questions...

Jealous adjective

Feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages

Feeling resentment because of another's success, advantage, etc

Characterized by or proceeding from suspicious fears or envious resentment

Inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc. as in love or aims

Protective verb

Defending or guarding from attack, invasion, loss, annoyance, insult, etc., cover or shield from injury or danger, take care of ambitiously

I have waited a significant amount of time to post this. It has been nagging at me and rolling around in my head for years. It's time. I see jealousy ruining the lives of people I love, so I took the leap. Take it and chew on it a bit. Decide your own fate. Don't drink the poison. Love. Just love. And be grateful.

A Dime for your Time

If you know me, you know I am a collector. I have gone through spurts of various obsessions,
and at times have been known to hoard (just a little) the things I collect. The things I collect range from scrapbook supplies to snowmen to socks (I had three sisters and there were never enough matching socks) to books to candles. I absolutely love shoes and jackets and I never turn down a great pair of sweatpants. I wear earrings every day of my life so my earring collection is ever evolving. Some things are whimsical, some bring me comfort, and some are just practical. I have been teased many times for my gatherings of shampoo, hairspray, soap, and toothpaste...but those things have come in handy more than once during times that I could not get to the store or when we wanted to be a little more careful with our money. I have never had to worry about the necessities...because I had them stored away for a rainy (or hectic) day. I look at my rows of candles and lotions, and well, it's just beautiful.

#thecollector@Marvel

Aside from the essentials that I like to keep on hand, there are things I have procured that take special precedence over other things I possess. I have proclaimed more than once that some of my favorite collections are to be buried with me should I have to leave this earth before my family does. Though when I think further on this, I realize that these precious items should be left behind with the ones I love; and along with my treasures, the stories behind them.

No matter what I happen to be collecting in my life, having my little treasure troves tends to give me comfort. When I collected snowmen, it was because I wanted to remember there is still joy in the wintertime, even after Christmas has faded away. When I buy another candle, the scent can take me to anywhere in my memory that I associate with that scent. When I store away all my cleaners and toiletries, I know they will be there when I need them and I may even have some to share with another who is in need. Each thing brings me some kind of comfort.

The things that bring me more comfort than anything else are the things I associate with people.  I hold close reminders and tokens from or representing  important people in my life. When life gets challenging or my spirit is feeling broken, these special items restore order, calm, and a sense of self worth like nothing else can. They feed my soul.

My latest obsession is dimes. Let me tell you, they are harder to find than pennies. They hold a special place in my heart and fill me with hope each time I find one. I keep them in a beautiful china box that my grandmother hand-painted for me. This priceless piece was one of the things I wanted buried with me, but it is just too special to go into a box in the ground. Very few people know why I collect dimes, but everyone should know that there are times when finding a dime has literally saved my life. They appear out of nowhere and when I desperately need them. They show up when I am losing hope. They show up when I'm feeling lonely and afraid. They show up when I need to feel loved. They seriously materialize on the ground or on my desk or even on the playground and each time I pick one up, I am comforted and reassured that I am loved. Finding each dime is like finding a miracle-because each dime is found when I need it the most. I hope they show up in spades as long as I live.

I have mentioned before on my blog that I have a special box full of notes and mementos from people in my life. I have cards, well wishes, notes of affection and thanks, drawings and offerings of the heart. If I am experiencing an "I'm not enough" moment, I go to my box and am reminded of the people who do  think I'm enough, and have taken the time to tell me or show me. My spirit revives and takes on strength with each token of kindness that someone has granted me. I wholeheartedly believe that every person should do this for themselves. It's more than a box of feel-good. It's a treasure.

Moments of gratitude are something I collect with great intensity. I have filled 5 gratitude journals in the last 8 years and I treasure them. I try to list at least 3 things each day, whether big or small. As I leaf through each page, I can tell where I was in life, what I was dealing with, and how I kept goodness at the forefront. I remember all the good things I have been blessed with and how many times my loving God has sent me tender mercies and miracles-every day of my life. I count each one. I treasure each one.  And I am grateful.

WHY BOTHER

The urge to blog has been nipping at my heels for weeks now.  I quite enjoy  writing,  and authoring a blog is a wonderful processing tool for me-but each time I start a post, I rely heavily on inspiration to understand what it really is that I need to say. Though I concentrate to be able to relay critical thoughts in my brain, my processor is slow and sluggish. Maybe it's bogged down with too much input right now. I can't seem to focus on any one line of thought,  and it's making me worry. I feel like a pot that is boiling over; each thought rolling over into a hundred others, then evaporating like droplets of water landing on a hot stove. Little snippets and ideas come to the surface with such speed that I can't define them before they are gone again. I cannot gather my thoughts and emotions into any cohesive arrangement, so as I struggle to articulate the reflections of my heart and mind, I worry that maybe there is just nothing left for me to say. That scares me. I feel I am just beginning to find my voice. It can't be over yet, can it? I want to make a difference. I want to  give perspective. I want to help the world understand that the little things matter, that love can save the world, and that there is always, always hope.

I have always been quiet. It is only in recent years that I have been able to put my innermost feelings and opinions out into the world-and I know my blog has helped to open that door. I knew exactly when I needed to start my blog, and I knew why. I began with only a few views. While I do not write for numbers, I admit that each time I see another one of my blogs has been viewed, I always hope that a heart has been touched. I feel I write much better than I speak.

But now, I feel I can't write either. Does that mean I have used up my purpose in writing?  Is my ability to affect the hearts and minds of the people out there obsolete?  Do I make a difference? Is my desire to share my love not worth the time anymore? Am I too repetitious in the things that I say? I don't know. I just don't know. And I think to myself....why bother?


Then I remember. I remember my promises. I remember my mission. I remember my job...my purpose....to spread love and light. My readership is down. I have a hard time finding time and energy to put out a blog. I wonder who I reach, or if I reach anyone at all. But I said I would do it. If I touch one person-just to make that person smile, or feel understood, or give them strength to go on...it's worth it.  It's worth it to me-whether anyone else wants to know what I have  to say or not. It helps ME to go on. It helps me to process. It makes me feel like I have made the effort to do my part. I do it with love.

The thing that helps me the most is that whenever I begin to doubt my responsibility, I  ALWAYS recieve confirmation that someone needed to hear what I was prompted to say. A note, a comment, a text or re-post...somehow I am blessed with reassurance from another soul. I can't tell you what that does for a self-doubter like me! It changes the game every time. I have said before that I listen to heaven and listen to my heart to know what to write about. It delights me to the core when I get feedback that I was a good listener-that I followed the prompting and it made a difference to someone. Anyone.

So, as usual, I am grateful. Grateful for affirmations, for promptings, and for ability to follow through. I am grateful that I am spurred on to "bother" with the things I do, and that there are people who actually care enough to listen. I am grateful as well that regardless of who reads my words, I always gain something from writing them. Perspective, insight, love for mankind, acknowledgement of blessings, and reassurance of my purpose. Most of all, I am grateful for you. You, the reader. You, who gives me reason to bother. You, who support me. You, who love me. Thank you. Yes. I am grateful.

GOTTA HAVE IT

I was born with it. It is part of me whether I want it or  not (and I ALWAYS do.) I couldn't stop it if I tried to.  It's an integral part of my  makeup.  I can't escape it. I don't want to. It is ever present and very persistent even in the worst of times. I'm proud to own it and grateful I was blessed with it. It has saved me. It has caused some to mock me. But it is my gift and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is FAITH.

Faith in God. Faith in good. Faith in miracles. Faith in happy outcomes. Faith in magic and things that are unexplainable. Faith in Santa Claus, Sasquatch, unicorns and fairies. Faith in people. Faith that people can change. Faith in silver linings, life changing instances,  angels on earth, and that life should be lived to its FULLEST. Faith in promises. Faith that there is beauty in ALL things.

Faith in this rising generation

But my whole life, the one thing have struggled immensely and intensely to have faith in....is me.

I have always tried to convince myself it is humility. It's good to be humble, right? In truth it can be a character flaw, and there have been times I drive people crazy with my self doubt. I don't mean to. I have worked on trying to believe in myself for as long as I can remember. I have 2 tanks for fuel-one of them is enormous...it is full of purpose and light, all ready to hand out and distribute to everyone around me. The other tank is small. I think it's expandable but it doesn't get a ton of use. It's very hard for me because I don't have a very big tank to store any of my achievements or good outcomes in. So they don't last very long. The first time I tender a faux pas or face disappointment in myself, my meter returns to zero and leaves me starting from scratch to build my reserves again. I am not complaining. I am so very blessed with moments and people that work towards showing me what I am capable of and what my talents and qualities are. But I am the first to admit that I forget them too easily.

You see, when I see you, when I see any human, from any walk of life, I see potential beyond anything you can imagine. I see hope, I see good, I see talent. I see a person who can change the world. You tell me anything bad about yourself...I can counteract it with a redeeming quality. You act out of line, and I will find a reason you may be acting that way, and try to help you work for a better way so that you can be who you are meant to be. Some call it making excuses. I call it seeing the good. Some call it pandering. I call it having faith. I have faith in the human race. Because I have so much in everyone around me, I guess sometimes it's hard for me to believe there is any left for me. So I doubt. I feel small. I feel insignificant. And for the most part I am content with that. I am content to let others have the spotlight. I am content to stand in the background and lend support. But I realize that balance is needed in life and I, too, have to find something good and redeemable in myself or my purpose has no meaning. If I can't place faith in myself, what benefit will I be to others? To be credible, I have to walk the walk. So I search.

The amazing thing about having faith in a loving God is that it lends me with the knowledge that He is working on my behalf and wanting my success. Because of this, He sends angels and experiences to help me catch glimpses of who I can be-I can see a small part of what He sees in me with the acts of kindness and hope that He sends to me every day. It never fails that when I am at the end of my rope, feeling hopeless and alone, I am lifted by another of my fellow amazing humans, who I see the best in every day. Someone invariably comes along to lend a hand, shower me with love, give words of encouragement and comfort, and light the way for me to see myself the way my loving Father in Heaven would want me to. Just as I want my children to see all the good in themselves, He wants each of us to see the good He places in us as well.

The last two years, especially, have been hard and disconcerting. I have to rebound often and rally as quickly as possible. I am surrounded by many who face tough things in every aspect of life. I want to be part of the lifting and healing and building back up. And daily, constantly, moment by moment, I receive fragments of hope. Angels attend me. The good in me is pointed out. Belief in me is expressed. Then I pay it forward. And of course, I am grateful.

Pieces of hope and love that fill my soul and give me faith.

PITCH BLACK

It's been awhile. I've been  wandering around in a fog for a bit. Life came at me and tried to drag me under the current, but I have stayed above water and I'm back. It was pitch black for a minute there, but the things that provide light for me prevailed, and once again, I am on the hunt for all things light and good.

Meghan and me at the Twenty One Pilots concert-
soaking in their light 

When I look around at this ever darkening world of ours, I wonder how much more light there is to gain. It's getting harder each time to ignite the match that keeps my pathway lit. It seems the world itself is giving up. There's a somberness over the land. So many people I know can feel it. We talk about ways around it. We wonder what is happening. We wonder how to combat it. Darkness is seeping in every crack, through every groove in the pavement, into the empty places in the hearts of people. And the crazy part? It is WE who have the power to stop it. If we will.

The other night I was flipping through the channels looking for Christmas movies. I survive on Christmas movies at this time of year. The Hallmark Channel is my best friend right now. I'm a sap. I LOVE a happy ending. Because they really do happen. Much of what we do dictates our endings. It doesn't mean things won't get in the way, but fighting the fear of darkness will always uncover the light. At any rate, I came across Rise of the Guardians- which is one of my favorite movies anyway, because A) Santa is in it and B) I believe I am a Guardian. I was enchanted as I watched it, but no scene in the entire movie strikes my heart like the one where Pitch is defeated and the Guardians and the children use their light to turn their fears and nightmares into good dreams and wondrous visions.  IT HEALS MY SOUL. ***For those who haven't seen it, do so immediately, and know that the Boogeyman (Pitch) uses fear to turn good dreams to nightmares. Spoiler alert~when he's defeated,  it's somewhat dramatic. 

Because I am Heather, of course this scene had me crying like a baby. I love it when good wins. I love it when light defeats darkness. I love seeing what faith and belief and hope can do in a world that is full of despair. I was completely delighted by the children touching the nightmares and turning them back into wonderful dreams and fascinations. Though I have seen this movie dozens of times, it reached deeper into my heart than it ever has before because I realized that every single one of has the power to take what is on front of us-whether good or difficult or scary or mean , and change it into something helpful and good and kind and even wonderful.

Memories of Sarah Jane and the GOOD that is in those memories

The magic of the human heart has always been something important to me, but in this world it is one of my lifelines. The magic is that the heart can grow. It is never out of capacity. It can heal. It can give. It can warm. IT CAN CHANGE. With our hearts, we can control how we act, how we react, who we love, how we love, how to give, and whether we can change the bad to good. The power source is right in our own bodies, right inside the cage that protects it. Protection is good, but while fences keep bad out, they can also prevent good from coming in. And we need more good.

So this holiday season, amidst the chaos and ugliness, the perception of commercialism and the sadness that can invade our lives, try reaching out and touching the pitch black and see if you can't use your light to bring a bit of happiness back in. Change those nightmares to good dreams and feelings. Use your magic to change the world. I'll do it with you. And I will be grateful. Merry Christmas!

#DinosaursInTheMud that show me just a little light can change everything