Guilt Trip

Hi. My name is Heather and I'm a guiltaholic. It's true. I excel at guilt. I'm the one who walks in a room, and if the vibe is off, I'm sure it's my fault-even if I have never met the people in the room. I'm the one who second-guesses my every word-just in case I hurt someone's feelings. I'm the one who gets sick if I find out someone else is sick and I didn't take in a meal. I'm the one who kissed the guy in high school that I really didn't like, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I feel guilty if YOU took something I  said in a way I didn't mean; I feel guilty of your interpretation. I feel guilty if I did your laundry and it is even folded and clean on your bed, but I haven't put it away yet. I feel guilty if the cashier gives me too much change-even though I always give it back. I feel guilty if I'm in your way on the sidewalk. I'm the one that even if I feel am right, I will defer to another viewpoint and not argue because I feel guilty and I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. If I didn't text you back. If I had to say no. If I wasn't there when you needed me. You get the picture. Yeah...guilt. I'm a pro.

Guiltoholic extraordinaire

I have decided I don't like guilt. It's not pretty. It's not helpful. It is a completely useless emotion. It's destructive. Guilt makes a person feel lousy about themselves. Guilt makes you feel crummy for something you can't change. As much as we humans try, we cannot change the past. Guilt makes you feel like you are missing the mark. It's depressing and prevents progress. It takes away hope. It cloaks you in self-doubt. It is worthless, and makes you feel worthless as well. Remorse, however, is different. Remorse makes you feel sorry for something you have done and helps you to resolve not to let it happen again. Remorse helps you change behavior, where guilt makes you feel like there's no way out. Remorse doesn't change the past, but it helps you look forward to changing the future. Remorse is learning from something, while guilt holds you back from the lesson. Remorse is the light at the end of the tunnel that makes you wake up and realize that change can be good, and it can make a difference in the rest of your life. Guilt consumes your life and makes it impossible to see a way to move forward. In short-guilt is bad, remorse can be good. That's the Gospel of Heather anyway. But then why would there be repentance or penance, consequences, and 12 step programs if there were no hope for redemption and peace? Guilt won't get you to peace, but a sorrowful spirit and a resolve to do better can get you a long way down the road to a calm and productive way of life. It might even help you feel better at the end of the day. Growth is not a bad thing. Oh, it can be painful for sure...but healing in the end.

Thanks JP for knowing my cloud junkie tendencies

Peace, healing, calm...

Just a little illustration for you. I have a darling girl in my life that I get to see almost every day. She's had a few curves thrown at her over the years, but has always been sweet  and amiable. This year kind of got to her and she started taking her frustrations out on her friends. Every day for weeks I had reports on the playground of bullying and little girl fights. Every day I would talk to this girl, and she would cry, and she would feel hopeless. She beat herself down and was filled with despair. And she's only 7! One day she was at her wits end. She dissolved into tears and threw her head in my lap, sobbing. She told me she had ruined her life and that she felt guilty for all the fights she had caused between all her little friends. I hugged her and asked her if she was sorry, then we talked about things she could do to fix her situation. I told her if she was sorry and wanted to make amends, feeling sorry would help her to move forward and that she didn't have to feel guilty anymore. We made a plan of apology and she worked over the next few days to be kind. It got to the point that whenever I walked into her classroom she ran to me and threw her arms around me and said, "Miss Heather, there were no fights today!" A little remorse is all it took to start the change. Later I received this sweet note from her.

My thank you note (she loves my choker necklace :)

She's still a little girl with a long life ahead of her, so she will feel guilt every now and then, but it was nice to see that using the right emotion can fix a whole lot of damage. It's something I need to remember myself.

So hope.....yes hope! That's what I'm selling here. You don't ever have to drown yourself in a pool of guilt.  If that's the knee-jerk action that you start your journey on,  then don't linger there long. Gather your remorse and put it to good use.  And then be grateful.