I remember walking into my office at work one day and having my dear friend say, "Heather, you are such a conundrum!" Surprised, I asked why. " Well you walk in here with your skull shirt and blue streak with the biggest smile on your face and kindness oozing from you. It's just kind of unusual to see all that together in one person." Frankly, it was one of the best compliments I have ever received, and my friend has a wonderful way with words as well as with people. But it got me thinking.
As I have gotten older, learned more, and hopefully matured, life looks a little more different to me all the time. Things I once thought no longer are, or I have learned enough to solidify the things I have always known. This part of me loves the aging process. For the most part, (although I don't always convey it) I am more comfortable with myself. I have figured out what life means to me, and collected reasons for those meanings along the way. So I guess I am a conundrum, but I'll try to clarify some of that here.
So let's get the skulls out of the way first. Growing up, I didn't care for skulls, and they usually signified something scary or sad for me. I am not a fan of the morbid, but the first time my family went on a Disney Cruise, they had a pirate night we got to dress up for. It was fun to do and I acquired a few items with skulls. By the second cruise, I had bought more, and I was finding lots of fun variety. Then skulls became something much more meaningful to me. I lost my grandmother and my father within 18 months of each other. So now skulls mean two things for me. The first is that even when our loved ones are gone, I believe they still live on and skulls represent hope for me. I have a skull ring I wear every day on my thumb as a symbol of this. And if I didn't know before, I sure know now that LIFE IS SHORT, and LIFE IS PRECIOUS. I love wearing this reminder. Skulls also made me realize we are all deeper than our skin-that we all have a skull (albeit skeleton) inside and we are all the same in this way. It unites me with others. Nothing matters when the skin is gone. There's no way to tell nationality, likes, tendencies....just that there was a human in there. It's a good lesson and one that I share often. So, yes. I am a woman with warmth and love and strength and a firm belief in God, but I love skulls and what they represent to me. I have learned a lot from them.
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One of the rings I never take off.
Life is precious and this is a reminder. |
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| One of my many skull shirts. |
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| Not scary at all. |
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One of my all time favorite
filters...which is funny because masks
scare me to death. Literally. |
Okay, let's take the blue streak next. I know I have discussed it before, but let's face it. It's one of my favorite topics. I have been blessed that MOST people embrace and even love the blue streak. I only wanted a streak. Not my whole head. I get compliments daily. I have had people tell me it's a great style statement, which is nice, but it is not a statement for me. It's not an act of rebellion or a cry to be unique. It is a tribute to my father. I love it. It makes me happy. I feel him near. It has become a part of me that I can't part with for the foreseeable future. There are extra perks that come with the blue streak, too. Like having the entire kindergarten call me "The Reading Fairy" when I walk in the door. Or a child saying, "I can't remember your name, but I think it's Angel." Or having kids from other schools that I have tested for reading see me in the store and say. "See, mom? That's the Reading Fairy that comes to our school!" Or having groups of little girls congregate outside my cabin on our cruises so they can get a glimpse of where "The Mermaid" lives! It delights me! One time I had a child on my lap at church who said, "I love your blue streak, Sister Heather. Did an angel put it there?" Strictly speaking, yes, he did. In a round about way my angel dad put it there. So while it is a "wild hair" to some, my blue streak has more meaning than most people fathom. It's part of me.
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| The Reading Fairy |
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"Angel"
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I have never been one that needs possessions, although I have been blessed to have been given my share. I want enough money to meet all my needs, and to travel, but other than that, I don't need "stuff". I don't need new or fancy or bigger than or more of. I'm pretty content with what I have. But there are things I do possess that I love dearly. One of my dad's rings-it keeps him close. My Mustang-it is my freedom. My grandmother's china-she painted it. My little old house-we have worked so hard on it. My candles-they are true light. Dinosaurs-they show me the good. As for money and possessions, I am content, but there are a few material things that bring me joy.
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| My dad's ring. |
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| My blue streak of freedom. |
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| China-hand painted by my Grandma Summers. |
I am sure there are dozens more parts of me that make up the conundrum. Most of them I have embraced, and I understand that some of them I haven't even uncovered yet. It IS nice to know we all harbor some of these. It's part of what makes us unique. My only wish is that none of the things I am are ever at war with each other and that they never compromise my integrity. Above all, I want to be known as a kind, approachable, happy being who gives off light. I know this can't happen every second of every day, but I want to work towards everyday anyway.
One last note before I finish my list-variety really is ONE of the spices of life. The unexpected can be delightful. I hope the unexpected things about me can come across that way. I sure see it in everyone around me. I love it. And to name a few more.....
I'm scared of deep or dark water, but I'm a good swimmer and LOVE Disney cruises.
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| Lake Powell. I have to be able to see to the bottom and not go in too far. |
Cruise Day! |
The Disney Dream-a true dream!
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I want good to win and the bad guy to lose but I can't stand watching torture or pain.
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| Wonder Woman |
Sweat pants, capris, or shorts are my ALL TIME favorite articles of clothing to wear. But I LOVE dressing up.
Now here's a doozie. Some of my friends are bewildered by this, but I am an anxious person. I have had anxiety from the second I was born-just ask my mom. She says I came out that way. There were countless nights growing up that I would sit at the foot of my parents' bed and cry....about anything and everything. The concept of forever. Pain. Peoples' feelings. School. Friends. Unfairness. Calamities. You name it. And there weren't any medicines parents put their kids on back then. They just listened as well as they could until they had to kindly tell me to stop worrying and tell me to go to bed. I have spent my entire life-every day-making myself be brave. Taking chances. Being social. Fighting fear. And guess what? All that has made me strong. My super power is faith. It's what carries me with love as the harbinger. So while I live scared, I AM BRAVE.
What else? I don't like being enclosed in tight spaces but I LOVE flying.
I don't love huge crowds but I LOVE concerts! Especially with Meghan!
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| Outside Lands Festival in San Francisco featuring Twenty One Pilots |
I love my privacy but I hate being alone.
I am content with routines, but I love a new adventure.
I'm scared of the dark but love middle of the night walks.
I love zoos and aquariums but can hardly stand seeing animals in cages.
I have been told there is no God and that miracles are just coincidences. BUT I STILL FIRMLY BELIEVE.
I have suffered at the hands of many people, but I still love with everything in me.
I could choose to focus on the bad in the world but it's much more fulfilling for me to find the GOOD.
I could have cleaned my house today, but I blogged, and it felt good, and I AM GRATEFUL.
