What a Hole!

 

Is that this year or what? The never ending, enormous, soul stealing, hope sucking, exhausting hole-the pit of despair-2020. I have always thought it...not quite comical, but amusing at the end of each year when it is posted that 'this was the worst year ever' and the next year will be better. Yes, as a perpetual Sally Sunshine I honestly don't think I have ended a year thinking this was the worst one ever, but I might be persuaded to consider it this year. Even in my hardest times, the naïve positivity that persists in my tiny brain and huge heart makes me think that tomorrow, or even an hour from now will be better. Let's not call a whole year awful because awful things happened. But I'm kinda feeling like I have to concede a bit. 

Life is full of bumps and hardships. The good things are just a bonus. Getting through the muck in one piece can be hard. There are times it feels the world is just "spewing crap"....to coin the phrase of an acquaintance from India who was visiting and talking about our country. (And let me tell you, hearing him say this in his native accent was one of the greatest things I have ever heard. We still talk about it in our house to this day.) I get it. Politics, division, the (new) C word that makes me want to vomit because I have heard it so much (and YES, we have all had it, been through it, and come out the other side. I realize not everyone is so lucky.) Vaccinations, earthquakes, windstorms of epic proportions, mandates, divorce, arguments, not being able to get medical care for something that is NOT the C word. Human trafficking, injustice, name-calling if you don't side with the latest band-wagon, closures, job loss, depression, lies and cover-ups, riots, snowstorms that dump 5 feet and leave people in Japan stranded for over 40 hours on freeways.  40HOURS!!!!!!!!! Travel bans, loss of loved ones from the C word, loss of loved ones NOT from the C word. Shouting matches, shaming, "catching" people with phones and telling on neighbors...I know. Sounds like an apocalypse movie. Do I have your attention? Do you relate to any of those things? Wanna know best part, or actually the WORST part is in dealing with all this? We have been having to do it in isolation-without human touch, or even human expression, because now our expression is hidden. We don't even look at each other as we pass in the store. We are hidden. Some people, who were already lonely, are experiencing so much more isolation than we even grasp. It crushes my soul. The need to protect is real, but human touch is proving to be a greater need sometimes. I have a friend who died. Not from the C word. Her worst fear was never hugging her children again. And her worst fear was realized. She had not hugged her children for over 10 months when she passed away, alone, in her own home. Heart wrenching, no matter how it is handled.

I have myself only experienced some of those things, along with my own tricky trials. But I hate being alone. I hate loneliness, and we have created a world of perpetual loneliness. When I am alone with my thoughts, sometimes things feel worse than they really are. 

I am not going through trials while everyone else in the world sails on. The cross to bear is quite heavy for all. When you throw your own personal issues in, it gets real. Health, relationships, grief, money, time....it's a lot. Then there are the demons that haunt all of us. Why can't we shut the door on those and let them be done? I can't tell you the answer to that. We cling to our demons like a lifeline when we should be cutting the cord and then decimating them with a fervor that is unmatched. I have been successful in getting rid of some of my demons this year, if only because there has been way too much time to think. But the time gave me pause to think and work on some of those ghosts and lay them to rest.  It also took the help of heaven and inspired words from those around me. It does feel good to  have slayed some of those things that have haunted me through the years. There are more. There always are. So I soldier on. But as to an answer for how to put all of them to rest, well...let me know if you find a solution. The only thing I can say is sometimes it gets to a point when you don't just realize, but embrace and actually accept that the past is truly the past, and it is in your rear view mirror. You CANNOT, and I stress this CANNOT change the past. Once you realize this, slaying some of the demons becomes a tiny bit easier.                                        So there's a glimmer of hope to grab on to. Hope it helps a bit.

All in all, when it comes down to it, life is hard. No one has an easy road, even if it looks that way. Somehow, in many ways, humans have to experience the whole gamut of emotions and feelings. While it is not fun, one thing that holds great value that trials can produce is empathy. Sympathy is wonderful, but it produces bandwagons and followings that aren't always understood, and it feels great to belong to a cause and care. True empathy-feeling what another feels and experiencing things that someone else has produces an entirely new level of compassion and strength that you cannot get any other way. And while none of our experiences are exactly the same-how could they be....we are individuals... there are enough factors that can be similar enough to affect stirrings in our souls that say "I have been there.  Lean on me, because I understand how you feel." NOT I know  how you feel, but I understand. That creates love on a whole new level. And then you have evolved, and improved yourself in ways that we are meant to in this test called life. Progress is never all at once, and sometimes it is unbearably slow. But it can remain steady if we let it. That doesn't mean there won't be interruptions here and there. But in reality, none of us are happy if we aren't moving somewhere-and we are meant to move FORWARD. No one likes going backwards, while ruts and standstills are just as defeating. I have found the key in continually moving forward is knowing it won't be perfect. And understanding that every small movement forward is cause for joy. Every happy moment, every tiny blessing, every smile, every feel-good moment needs to be treasured and stored away so when we hit those ruts we have something to sustain us. Obviously having peeps and a village can add tremendously to our successes, so treasure those people and let them help you. Let them give you perspective and hope and bits of wisdom. I promise the hole will not seem nearly as big or oppressive if you gather your village and treasure each moment while looking to improve one tiny thing in the world around you. It ripples out. It makes a difference, and makes us crave more of the goodness, perpetuating all things good. Yes, even amidst the bad. 2021 has every potential to be better. And I am grateful. 

It's NOISY!

Holy Cow. I have wanted to write for so long now, but the world is excessively noisy and the last thing I want is for my words to be more noise. In reality, my writing is more for me to sort out my words and feelings; to stop the frenzy in my head and organize my emotions into cohesive and productive ideas.  The topics of the world have scared me off for some time.  But lately I have people ask me when my next blog will come into fruition. Because that means so much to me, and because I love my peeps, I feel the need to write-if only to show my care and gratitude. So here goes. 

Many people know that dinosaurs and dimes are very important to me. They are important for different reasons, but they both accomplish many of the same things for me. When I find one, or receive one, it shows me I am being watched over. My belief is that they show that God is mindful of me and that my earthly father who has since passed on, is watching over me as well. They bring me peace and hope and comfort. They are a light in a dark world. So I am on a continual search for dimes and dinosaurs. 

*to read about dimes and dinosaurs, and their importance to me, click here:  

https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2019/02/a-dime-for-your-time.html                  and

https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2018/08/monster-is-relative-term.html

The world is hard right now. It is overwhelming for me a good part of the time. The complications in the world have added stresses and health issues that I am battling, but by the grace of God, I am surviving them.  The opportunity to be back at work, to provide reassurance and comfort for all my little elementary school kids, and interact with wonderful people who help me look for good, all go a long way in sustaining me. In fact, as I was sitting with one of my little reading groups the other day, I had a feeling of such contentment and happiness wash over me. I was enjoying the time with my kiddos so much that for the moment, the cares of the world had faded away. I am so blessed to be with these children. It truly gives me much needed strength. Add to that the incredible parents, faculty and staff I interact with and that's a blessing of epic proportions. 

Of course, as always, my peeps are key in my comfort. I am so blessed to have so many friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances in my every day to lift and bolster my spirit. And though I know how much I am blessed, it continually astounds me what I really DO have.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a day. Yeah...one of those days. As I headed into work, I was struggling to put on a brave face and face the day with optimism. There were a few issues I knew I was going to have to address, but I wanted to exude light anyway. As I walked through the parking lot, I whispered a plea aimed heavenward, and asked my dad to help me find a dime that day. I promised to search everywhere I went, but to please let me find one so I knew I was being watched over. Well, I went about my day, made it through some hard and even uncomfortable things, and never found a dime, despite my extra efforts to do so.  

When I arrived home, I dove into the extensive list of chores I am never able to get through and I buried myself quickly. As I sat there with a bigger mess than I started with, I got a picture and a text from my mom that said. "Call me to talk about this." Grateful for the break from the chaos I had created, I called her up. She chatted for a minute, and then told me that she had been visited by one of my long-time friends, whom I had grown up next door to during my teenage years and early twenties.  She said he had walked over with something in his hand. He went on to tell her he had found it over a month earlier and had had the impression to give it to me. He didn't know why, just that he should. He talked of how he had almost taken it out of his truck, and gotten rid of it, but that something kept telling him that I needed it. At that point he opened his hand, and in it was a small, blue, plastic dinosaur. Again,  he said he wasn't sure why he was supposed to give it to me-he said the only reason he could come up with was that it must be the blue-and asked my mom if I still had a blue streak in my hair. 

Always the blue streak

My mom told him I do have the blue streak (and will keep it as long as I can maintain it) but that the dinosaur meant the world to me because, well, it's a dinosaur. He said, "But I thought dimes were her thing" my mom laughed and said, "Well they are, but so are dinosaurs. There's a whole story for it. Dinosaurs are very important to her family." At that moment my friend got teary eyed, glad that he had followed that prompting. I'm so grateful that he did. It is a treasure. It changed the course of my day, reassured my soul, and gave me light that I, in turn, will share with others. 

I have promised to type the entire Dinosaurs In The Mud story for him, but in the meantime, just know that in our family, finding a Dinosaur In The Mud is the finding the good in each day, even the hard day. It is recognizing the details that show us that someone-whoever you deem your higher power to be, (but for me...my God), is watching over you and aware of your needs and circumstances. I love finding dinosaurs. I love finding dimes. They give me great hope. Thanks, dad(s) for watching over me,  I am grateful. 

Thank you

Soul saving

Every Day is BLURSDAY

Where do I even begin?  I have started a blog post no less than a dozen times in the last month. I have tried. Several things happen simultaneously. ----The next disaster occurs, I find myself worrying about which topic I should cover, and then every thought I ever had leaves my brain. No matter how fast I try to catch even one of those thoughts, they vanish into thin air making me dazed and confused. From then on, it’s “what day is it?”, “what was I supposed to do?”, “what is my name again?" It's like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks! There's a very low chance I could actually do that-it's nearly impossible. But I still keep trying to catch the meandering thoughts from all together escaping. 

 

I’m quite sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. Humans are in overload. From mothers homeschooling 3 kids in 3 different schools to people going in to try to teach kids with masks in very warm conditions and follow all the crazy instructions, to trying to build a savings account, to loss of loved ones, to job loss and shortages, to trying to understand what is really happening in this world and what is not...it’s a handful. Add to that new disease (yes, find your own ailment) Coro-quak-eriot-fira-hurrica-nocoina-feari-maski-canemia, and you’re dealing with a lot more. And that's just IN ONE WEEK! Then you buckle in for the next thing that will most certainly hit!

I'm a go-getter, especially about things I know I can do or accomplish. I don't always have faith in myself, though I do have persistence and a belief that if the Lord wants me to do it, He will provide a way. But I do have to hit my reset button much more than I am used to. Where I have always had my cry or my breakdown  once or twice a month, right now it can be several times in one day. I can't describe the things I worry about now. SO many of them are much bigger in my head than they really are, but my brain is on overload, so my heart goes on overload as well. I'm serious. Between oxygen deprivation, stress and worry about literally EVERYONE, there has not been a day in months that I don't have severe chest pains. How would I ever know if I was having a heart attack? It feels like one every day. But I know a majority of the world can relate right now. We are all on high alert. For the next event. For the next bandwagon. For the next plague or natural disaster, riot, change, argument, fear, mismanagement, misunderstanding, accusation, or interruption. And it is HEAVY. For everyone. 

I was pondering much of this during an especially hard week. We had some traumatic/dramatic, life-altering events this week that really threw us off course (although we have been off for quite some time already.) I literally didn't know how I was going to make it from one minute to the next. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...I have truly been in a "what day is it" frame of mind all week. And it's not over. But here's the bright side. You wanted extra time in your week-well I have a new day to give you..BLURSday! Isn't that perfect?  I have Blursday every day. I can't say my mind is any more at ease but it's fun to say. 

AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD....with that being said, I'm still Heather. Yes. there is a ton happening with me. It is hard. It's not fun. I am trying to be brave and tell others not to worry about me. Being Heather, it makes me feel better to check on everyone else. To offer my love and service and candles and food and comfort. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I will be the first one to tell you I will NEVER reach perfection. But I want to give nonetheless. So let me first apologize for the people I haven't gotten to. I have really really tried. I am just not Wonder Woman, as much as I long to be. It doesn't mean you are not on my mind and in my prayers. I know I can't fix your life for you but hopefully I can show you that you are cared for and thought about and prayed for, and that you are valued by me. I hope you feel some of God's love through my care for you, because I know that is a mission in my life-to share His love by giving all of mine. Then we get to the next part...

I absolutely know that I love hard. I love readily, easily, and at all costs. I am ALL in. While I will never apologize for loving, I will apologize for overloading you with my love. I don't EVER want anyone to question or doubt my love. Sometimes it comes on strong and sometimes it might feel intense-but it's genuine and I give it because it's what I know. I realize sometimes people need space and time to feel things out on their own, and I think that is a good skill to have. If that happens, I will still love you just as hard. But I respect your feelings.  I work on myself constantly to be the kind of person that makes the world a better place. I have read a multitude of books and listened to speakers who help me realize what to ADD to love to make my relationships even better.  I read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend and this struck me: "Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that God has fashioned in His own image is at the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and allow it to flow outward are crucial to this life." I LOVE THAT! Yet I also realize "When we accept others freedom to make choices we don't feel guilty or angry or withdraw our love when others set their boundaries. When we accept others freedom, we feel better about our own."  I am trying desperately to realize this. And I am soaking up as much as my jumbled mind will let me. I'm doing the best I can. I may not read you perfectly, but I will give it my best shot. We've GOT to stick together during these crazy times so we can get back to normal-NOT a new normal. That isn't even an option. We need our normal back. And I'm going to keep pushing for it. Together is the only way. 

So what at is the purpose of all this rambling? Easy. The world is hard. There's still good. You are loved. By me. By God.  I respect your choices and what you need. I am always here for you-accessible even if I don't respond immediately. I will get to you and you will know you can count on me.  If not physically at that moment,  at least in my heart  until I do get there. There is always room for you. And I am grateful. 

OOOOPS! I Did It Again!!!!!

I know. How could I do it again? After all the upheaval last time, how could I have been so foolish? It wasn't on purpose....I mean, nature does its own thing.....but right in front of my family. In front of Meghan, who had to endure it last time.

Wait. Back up. Let's start at the beginning. And since I'm doing that, let me just put it out there that the title of this blog is also a song that makes me really really happy. The song is fabulous anyway, but when I hear it on my phone, it means one of my daughters is checking in, and it makes my heart sing to hear from her.💓💓💓 But on to what this blog is really about. I really did do it again.

Roughly a year ago, I was stung by a wasp while visiting a cemetery with my daughter.  I am deathly allergic to bee/wasp/hornet stings of any kind. It takes all of 3 minutes for my airway to completely close off. I did not have my Epi-pen, and it was a terrifying experience. Long story short-God had great mercy on me. I was given a state of mind to know how to respond to the sting and take care of myself until I could get the proper medical help, and my daughter did not have to watch me die-in a cemetery, although she has some lasting PTSD from it. But I survived and was given another chance at life. More than just a tender mercy- a true miracle. I think about that often, and I marvel that God would have such compassion to save my life and let me continue my journey on earth. 

Second chances do not come to many people. I always hope the people that receive these chances-including myself-will use those chances to learn, grow, change, appreciate, be grateful, and most importantly LIVE MORE and LOVE TO THE FULLEST. I try to live and love full throttle anyway.

My daughter and I were discussing last night how strange it feels sometimes to be the kind of person that is immediately all in. She is my twin in every way-especially emotionally and spiritually speaking. We go into situations with complete and consuming love, understanding, and acceptance.  We all know I am the person that believes with every fiber of my being that only love will save the world. Much of the time, one of two things happens. Either the other party is taken aback by this onslaught of unconditional love, has a hard time understanding it, and retreats, or that love is taken for granted. That is, the person receiving the love knows that no matter what happens or how they treat persons like us, the love will always be there so they run back and forth....taking the love for a while and then leaving us alone until another refill is needed-reciprocating nothing, or the very minimum. Now these are worst case scenarios but you'd be surprised how often people refuse love or take it for granted. All humans are guilty of taking things for granted-we are wired that way and one of our jobs on earth is to overcome the natural man. But as a person where love comes easily, I have a hard time understanding refusal of love. I get that many people think that love has strings attached. And I can see how it can look that way. But real, pure love  is incapable of having strings. It is just there. It exists because it is essential. Strings come in for behaviors, boundaries, needs, and understanding. Love itself has nothing to do with that. Love is an entity all its own. There is no "owing" when it comes to love, although receiving it in return is a wonderful feeling. But I diverge from the story...forgive the soapbox. I just feel strongly about that subject! And I suggest researching love for yourself. Understand what it is and what is isn't. I will tell you emphatically that is is NOT a weapon. If you think love is a weapon, or use it as one, then you might want to go back to the drawing board. Love is patient, kind, continuous, pure, unconditional, and free. No strings. Love is simple. People are not. Food for thought. 

So I have had a second chance for the last year to live life better and love more. I have been grateful!!! But this year has been a flipping DOOZY!!! I cannot believe how much life has changed since February! I am not going to get into that part, but boy I feel like I have been sucked up into an alien spacecraft and dropped onto an alternate world in an alternate universe. I am having a hard time. 2 weeks ago we had been working around our house, trying to get things done. We were so crazy busy we forgot to eat, and by about 4 pm we were all so grouchy from heat, fatigue, and hunger, that we decided to get out of the house and go pick up something in a drive through and then go eat outside in the shade somewhere. We ended up sitting in a beautiful park. I had not even taken  a bite when I felt the familiar pain of a....you got it......sting. Dread hit me like a punch to the gut. I knew what had happened and shook my leg. As I peered down I saw the stinger resting in my skin and first noticed it wasn't lodged very deep and then that red was barely starting to seep whereas usually the ring of red fire spreads immediately and grows by the second. My family saw my consternation and I told them I had been stung. Meghan went white. I assured them I had my shot but that I didn't think it had gone very deep and I didn't think it was that bad. I flicked the stinger out and immediately got in my purse and poured Benadryl into my hand, and quickly puffed 3 puffs from my inhaler. Though I knew this wasn't as serious a sting, I was starting to feel fuzzy and feint. Remember I hadn't eaten yet, either. The fuzzy was coming fast, and I knew I as going to have to act fast, because it was impairing my actions. I knew this because Meghan was across the table staring at me with a look of amusement and horrified fascination as she saw me pour the extra Benadryl not into the bottle, but into my drink. I downed the Benadryl in my hand and got my shot out-in case-and tried to stay calm. As I started to relax and focus on whether my throat was closing or not, I felt myself going into a slight fog. My first thought was, "Oh no. Here we go again. I am going to die here in a park in front of my family, and I can't put Meghan through that fear again." As quickly as that thought came it was cast out again because I was seeing something mind-boggling. The world beyond my face was fuzzy and dream-like. It was the same world with all the same things, but it had an ethereal look, and a surreal feeling to it. For a split second, I saw thousands of people-milling around and going about their business. I am not willing to put a name to what was happening...peoples' beliefs are so varied I don't want to cast any bias on this, but I felt like all these people were a representation that Heaven was aware of me, of my situation, and my family, and that it would all be okay. My view changed back to the present as quickly as it had come. I am not sure if I was given a glimpse beyond here, or if I was just reassured by that means, but it changed everything. I was not fearful any longer. 

Now there was an aftermath, and I collapsed at the top of the stairs on my living room floor where I slept for 3 hours before I got up and had to do two double breathing treatments. But I didn't care. I was just happy to be alive. I was happy for ANOTHER chance. I was happy that for awhile I didn't have to think of any issues swirling around the internet and across the news-I got to think about the grace of God, the love of people around me, and the things I still want to achieve before I am really gone. I do know that Heaven is aware. Of little ole me. I'm going forward to live as much as this world will let me, and love as hard as I can-because I can. And I am grateful. 

#dinosaursinthemud

Hunting for Witches

Oh how I love human nature. It absolutely fascinates me! I study it. I crave all perspectives. I love knowing how people think and what causes their behaviors. People watching is a favorite activity of mine-both in person and online. Sometimes it bends my brain, but I love it. I adore humans. I am so grateful we are all entitled to our own opinions....and that we can change them as well. But how wonderful to be able to have a mind of your own and be able to make decisions for yourself! It's one of the true gifts of being mortal.

People watching in the Charlotte, NC airport. 

That also brings up the topic of freedoms to a) form and own one's opinions and b )the freedom to express them. These are two entirely different freedoms-some have one but not the other. I am profoundly and entirely grateful for those who have fought and continue to fight for me to have both. I grew up with a generous helping of patriotism and I hope I have instilled it in my children. This country has started to drift towards letting these ideals go and either thwart liberty by pushing "rights" to the extreme or forgetting how we gained these rights altogether. God help us if we do forget. We need to remember or we will lose our rights again. THANK YOU ALL MY HEROES PAST, PRESENT,  AND FUTURE who protect our rights and sacrifice everything for them. I cannot repay the debt, just pay it forward.

My father's headstone with his service medal on it, and my mother's father right behind-with his service medal as well.

A post from my cousin, including my father and grandfather-
I have many dedicated family members who have given to
my freedoms and my country. I am so grateful.

THANK YOU AARON!!!

In mulling this over, especially recently, I find I am a little disenchanted with aspects of these freedoms. I STILL BELIEVE IN THEM AND FEEL THEY SHOULD BE FOUGHT FOR.  I just feel like they are misconstrued to be used as witch hunting tools and/or reasons to unload vengeance on others. If the expressed opinion is not ones own, the author of those views either gets called out and put on trial for said opinions,  or fury in the form of forked tongues comes out and wipes out any goodwill that could be had. I WANT to hear your opinion. It helps me get to know you. I love perspective. It sometimes helps me see things I have never been able to before, and helps me broaden my mind. Even if I don't agree, I support you in having your own thoughts and ideals. I so appreciate the people who can come out and say what they are feeling, and do it kindly and respectfully. More of that needs to be seen. I will tell you that if you feel you have to bring out the F-bombs to make your point, my understanding will immediately diminish. Make a good argument and use civilized words, and I will listen until you have had your say. I will  mull over every point you make. I may even change my mind because I have seen another side. If nothing else, I will understand it more than I did before. But crude and foul words rained down on my head will lessen your case as well as your credibility.

Now I refuse to bring out the 2020 "C" word (hint-it rhymes with ovid), as it's becoming just as vulgar to me as the original one. Though it is just the name of a virus, it has caused as many soured stomachs as the "C"word we grew up knowing was one of the worst words we could utter. I am so very tired of the 2020 version, as I am sure the whole world is. We bonded together for a few weeks there, and then statistics changed, opinions were formed, people became selfish and criminal for their views, and we began the division once again. Crazy how we do that. You'd have thought 9-11 would have taught us for good. Heck-you'd have thought many crises we have experienced as a nation-as a world-would have done it. But somehow we have grasped the belief that if we can't convince another of OUR view, they must be wrong, and quite possibly our enemy. It is pathetically sad. But it's our "right".

I'll set the record straight for myself. First, I rarely state my opinion because of these very circumstances. I believe it's okay for everyone to form their own opinion. I don't make waves if there don't need to be any. I WILL NOT engage if  a fight is what you want. Sometimes, and very rarely, I feel the need to be heard. That's all. I don't expect you to change. I don't ask you to go get a new opinion. I will offer perspective that maybe you haven't thought of before. I will be kind. I will give my view and maybe even stand up for myself. That being said, if treated fairly, I will stand up for YOU as well. But I can't stand up very well for anyone if I have been injured in an attack. I just want the world to be a better place.

My opinion, should you want to know it, is that humans, in general, are wonderful. In general, they do their best. Humans are humans-therefore we disagree. Humans CAN disagree and still love each other. We can disagree and still be kind. We can disagree without calling names or using offensive words. Humans have done amazing things for each other since time began. We have done wonderful things as this latest installment of heightened life has ensued. My opinion is that we should continue. We should still unite. We can still take this current "C" word and make sure it's not such a horrid, troublesome word-but a lesson. There's still time to rally. And I will be grateful.