Every Day is BLURSDAY

Where do I even begin?  I have started a blog post no less than a dozen times in the last month. I have tried. Several things happen simultaneously. ----The next disaster occurs, I find myself worrying about which topic I should cover, and then every thought I ever had leaves my brain. No matter how fast I try to catch even one of those thoughts, they vanish into thin air making me dazed and confused. From then on, it’s “what day is it?”, “what was I supposed to do?”, “what is my name again?" It's like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks! There's a very low chance I could actually do that-it's nearly impossible. But I still keep trying to catch the meandering thoughts from all together escaping. 

 

I’m quite sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. Humans are in overload. From mothers homeschooling 3 kids in 3 different schools to people going in to try to teach kids with masks in very warm conditions and follow all the crazy instructions, to trying to build a savings account, to loss of loved ones, to job loss and shortages, to trying to understand what is really happening in this world and what is not...it’s a handful. Add to that new disease (yes, find your own ailment) Coro-quak-eriot-fira-hurrica-nocoina-feari-maski-canemia, and you’re dealing with a lot more. And that's just IN ONE WEEK! Then you buckle in for the next thing that will most certainly hit!

I'm a go-getter, especially about things I know I can do or accomplish. I don't always have faith in myself, though I do have persistence and a belief that if the Lord wants me to do it, He will provide a way. But I do have to hit my reset button much more than I am used to. Where I have always had my cry or my breakdown  once or twice a month, right now it can be several times in one day. I can't describe the things I worry about now. SO many of them are much bigger in my head than they really are, but my brain is on overload, so my heart goes on overload as well. I'm serious. Between oxygen deprivation, stress and worry about literally EVERYONE, there has not been a day in months that I don't have severe chest pains. How would I ever know if I was having a heart attack? It feels like one every day. But I know a majority of the world can relate right now. We are all on high alert. For the next event. For the next bandwagon. For the next plague or natural disaster, riot, change, argument, fear, mismanagement, misunderstanding, accusation, or interruption. And it is HEAVY. For everyone. 

I was pondering much of this during an especially hard week. We had some traumatic/dramatic, life-altering events this week that really threw us off course (although we have been off for quite some time already.) I literally didn't know how I was going to make it from one minute to the next. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...I have truly been in a "what day is it" frame of mind all week. And it's not over. But here's the bright side. You wanted extra time in your week-well I have a new day to give you..BLURSday! Isn't that perfect?  I have Blursday every day. I can't say my mind is any more at ease but it's fun to say. 

AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD....with that being said, I'm still Heather. Yes. there is a ton happening with me. It is hard. It's not fun. I am trying to be brave and tell others not to worry about me. Being Heather, it makes me feel better to check on everyone else. To offer my love and service and candles and food and comfort. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I will be the first one to tell you I will NEVER reach perfection. But I want to give nonetheless. So let me first apologize for the people I haven't gotten to. I have really really tried. I am just not Wonder Woman, as much as I long to be. It doesn't mean you are not on my mind and in my prayers. I know I can't fix your life for you but hopefully I can show you that you are cared for and thought about and prayed for, and that you are valued by me. I hope you feel some of God's love through my care for you, because I know that is a mission in my life-to share His love by giving all of mine. Then we get to the next part...

I absolutely know that I love hard. I love readily, easily, and at all costs. I am ALL in. While I will never apologize for loving, I will apologize for overloading you with my love. I don't EVER want anyone to question or doubt my love. Sometimes it comes on strong and sometimes it might feel intense-but it's genuine and I give it because it's what I know. I realize sometimes people need space and time to feel things out on their own, and I think that is a good skill to have. If that happens, I will still love you just as hard. But I respect your feelings.  I work on myself constantly to be the kind of person that makes the world a better place. I have read a multitude of books and listened to speakers who help me realize what to ADD to love to make my relationships even better.  I read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend and this struck me: "Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that God has fashioned in His own image is at the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and allow it to flow outward are crucial to this life." I LOVE THAT! Yet I also realize "When we accept others freedom to make choices we don't feel guilty or angry or withdraw our love when others set their boundaries. When we accept others freedom, we feel better about our own."  I am trying desperately to realize this. And I am soaking up as much as my jumbled mind will let me. I'm doing the best I can. I may not read you perfectly, but I will give it my best shot. We've GOT to stick together during these crazy times so we can get back to normal-NOT a new normal. That isn't even an option. We need our normal back. And I'm going to keep pushing for it. Together is the only way. 

So what at is the purpose of all this rambling? Easy. The world is hard. There's still good. You are loved. By me. By God.  I respect your choices and what you need. I am always here for you-accessible even if I don't respond immediately. I will get to you and you will know you can count on me.  If not physically at that moment,  at least in my heart  until I do get there. There is always room for you. And I am grateful. 

OOOOPS! I Did It Again!!!!!

I know. How could I do it again? After all the upheaval last time, how could I have been so foolish? It wasn't on purpose....I mean, nature does its own thing.....but right in front of my family. In front of Meghan, who had to endure it last time.

Wait. Back up. Let's start at the beginning. And since I'm doing that, let me just put it out there that the title of this blog is also a song that makes me really really happy. The song is fabulous anyway, but when I hear it on my phone, it means one of my daughters is checking in, and it makes my heart sing to hear from her.💓💓💓 But on to what this blog is really about. I really did do it again.

Roughly a year ago, I was stung by a wasp while visiting a cemetery with my daughter.  I am deathly allergic to bee/wasp/hornet stings of any kind. It takes all of 3 minutes for my airway to completely close off. I did not have my Epi-pen, and it was a terrifying experience. Long story short-God had great mercy on me. I was given a state of mind to know how to respond to the sting and take care of myself until I could get the proper medical help, and my daughter did not have to watch me die-in a cemetery, although she has some lasting PTSD from it. But I survived and was given another chance at life. More than just a tender mercy- a true miracle. I think about that often, and I marvel that God would have such compassion to save my life and let me continue my journey on earth. 

Second chances do not come to many people. I always hope the people that receive these chances-including myself-will use those chances to learn, grow, change, appreciate, be grateful, and most importantly LIVE MORE and LOVE TO THE FULLEST. I try to live and love full throttle anyway.

My daughter and I were discussing last night how strange it feels sometimes to be the kind of person that is immediately all in. She is my twin in every way-especially emotionally and spiritually speaking. We go into situations with complete and consuming love, understanding, and acceptance.  We all know I am the person that believes with every fiber of my being that only love will save the world. Much of the time, one of two things happens. Either the other party is taken aback by this onslaught of unconditional love, has a hard time understanding it, and retreats, or that love is taken for granted. That is, the person receiving the love knows that no matter what happens or how they treat persons like us, the love will always be there so they run back and forth....taking the love for a while and then leaving us alone until another refill is needed-reciprocating nothing, or the very minimum. Now these are worst case scenarios but you'd be surprised how often people refuse love or take it for granted. All humans are guilty of taking things for granted-we are wired that way and one of our jobs on earth is to overcome the natural man. But as a person where love comes easily, I have a hard time understanding refusal of love. I get that many people think that love has strings attached. And I can see how it can look that way. But real, pure love  is incapable of having strings. It is just there. It exists because it is essential. Strings come in for behaviors, boundaries, needs, and understanding. Love itself has nothing to do with that. Love is an entity all its own. There is no "owing" when it comes to love, although receiving it in return is a wonderful feeling. But I diverge from the story...forgive the soapbox. I just feel strongly about that subject! And I suggest researching love for yourself. Understand what it is and what is isn't. I will tell you emphatically that is is NOT a weapon. If you think love is a weapon, or use it as one, then you might want to go back to the drawing board. Love is patient, kind, continuous, pure, unconditional, and free. No strings. Love is simple. People are not. Food for thought. 

So I have had a second chance for the last year to live life better and love more. I have been grateful!!! But this year has been a flipping DOOZY!!! I cannot believe how much life has changed since February! I am not going to get into that part, but boy I feel like I have been sucked up into an alien spacecraft and dropped onto an alternate world in an alternate universe. I am having a hard time. 2 weeks ago we had been working around our house, trying to get things done. We were so crazy busy we forgot to eat, and by about 4 pm we were all so grouchy from heat, fatigue, and hunger, that we decided to get out of the house and go pick up something in a drive through and then go eat outside in the shade somewhere. We ended up sitting in a beautiful park. I had not even taken  a bite when I felt the familiar pain of a....you got it......sting. Dread hit me like a punch to the gut. I knew what had happened and shook my leg. As I peered down I saw the stinger resting in my skin and first noticed it wasn't lodged very deep and then that red was barely starting to seep whereas usually the ring of red fire spreads immediately and grows by the second. My family saw my consternation and I told them I had been stung. Meghan went white. I assured them I had my shot but that I didn't think it had gone very deep and I didn't think it was that bad. I flicked the stinger out and immediately got in my purse and poured Benadryl into my hand, and quickly puffed 3 puffs from my inhaler. Though I knew this wasn't as serious a sting, I was starting to feel fuzzy and feint. Remember I hadn't eaten yet, either. The fuzzy was coming fast, and I knew I as going to have to act fast, because it was impairing my actions. I knew this because Meghan was across the table staring at me with a look of amusement and horrified fascination as she saw me pour the extra Benadryl not into the bottle, but into my drink. I downed the Benadryl in my hand and got my shot out-in case-and tried to stay calm. As I started to relax and focus on whether my throat was closing or not, I felt myself going into a slight fog. My first thought was, "Oh no. Here we go again. I am going to die here in a park in front of my family, and I can't put Meghan through that fear again." As quickly as that thought came it was cast out again because I was seeing something mind-boggling. The world beyond my face was fuzzy and dream-like. It was the same world with all the same things, but it had an ethereal look, and a surreal feeling to it. For a split second, I saw thousands of people-milling around and going about their business. I am not willing to put a name to what was happening...peoples' beliefs are so varied I don't want to cast any bias on this, but I felt like all these people were a representation that Heaven was aware of me, of my situation, and my family, and that it would all be okay. My view changed back to the present as quickly as it had come. I am not sure if I was given a glimpse beyond here, or if I was just reassured by that means, but it changed everything. I was not fearful any longer. 

Now there was an aftermath, and I collapsed at the top of the stairs on my living room floor where I slept for 3 hours before I got up and had to do two double breathing treatments. But I didn't care. I was just happy to be alive. I was happy for ANOTHER chance. I was happy that for awhile I didn't have to think of any issues swirling around the internet and across the news-I got to think about the grace of God, the love of people around me, and the things I still want to achieve before I am really gone. I do know that Heaven is aware. Of little ole me. I'm going forward to live as much as this world will let me, and love as hard as I can-because I can. And I am grateful. 

#dinosaursinthemud

Hunting for Witches

Oh how I love human nature. It absolutely fascinates me! I study it. I crave all perspectives. I love knowing how people think and what causes their behaviors. People watching is a favorite activity of mine-both in person and online. Sometimes it bends my brain, but I love it. I adore humans. I am so grateful we are all entitled to our own opinions....and that we can change them as well. But how wonderful to be able to have a mind of your own and be able to make decisions for yourself! It's one of the true gifts of being mortal.

People watching in the Charlotte, NC airport. 

That also brings up the topic of freedoms to a) form and own one's opinions and b )the freedom to express them. These are two entirely different freedoms-some have one but not the other. I am profoundly and entirely grateful for those who have fought and continue to fight for me to have both. I grew up with a generous helping of patriotism and I hope I have instilled it in my children. This country has started to drift towards letting these ideals go and either thwart liberty by pushing "rights" to the extreme or forgetting how we gained these rights altogether. God help us if we do forget. We need to remember or we will lose our rights again. THANK YOU ALL MY HEROES PAST, PRESENT,  AND FUTURE who protect our rights and sacrifice everything for them. I cannot repay the debt, just pay it forward.

My father's headstone with his service medal on it, and my mother's father right behind-with his service medal as well.

A post from my cousin, including my father and grandfather-
I have many dedicated family members who have given to
my freedoms and my country. I am so grateful.

THANK YOU AARON!!!

In mulling this over, especially recently, I find I am a little disenchanted with aspects of these freedoms. I STILL BELIEVE IN THEM AND FEEL THEY SHOULD BE FOUGHT FOR.  I just feel like they are misconstrued to be used as witch hunting tools and/or reasons to unload vengeance on others. If the expressed opinion is not ones own, the author of those views either gets called out and put on trial for said opinions,  or fury in the form of forked tongues comes out and wipes out any goodwill that could be had. I WANT to hear your opinion. It helps me get to know you. I love perspective. It sometimes helps me see things I have never been able to before, and helps me broaden my mind. Even if I don't agree, I support you in having your own thoughts and ideals. I so appreciate the people who can come out and say what they are feeling, and do it kindly and respectfully. More of that needs to be seen. I will tell you that if you feel you have to bring out the F-bombs to make your point, my understanding will immediately diminish. Make a good argument and use civilized words, and I will listen until you have had your say. I will  mull over every point you make. I may even change my mind because I have seen another side. If nothing else, I will understand it more than I did before. But crude and foul words rained down on my head will lessen your case as well as your credibility.

Now I refuse to bring out the 2020 "C" word (hint-it rhymes with ovid), as it's becoming just as vulgar to me as the original one. Though it is just the name of a virus, it has caused as many soured stomachs as the "C"word we grew up knowing was one of the worst words we could utter. I am so very tired of the 2020 version, as I am sure the whole world is. We bonded together for a few weeks there, and then statistics changed, opinions were formed, people became selfish and criminal for their views, and we began the division once again. Crazy how we do that. You'd have thought 9-11 would have taught us for good. Heck-you'd have thought many crises we have experienced as a nation-as a world-would have done it. But somehow we have grasped the belief that if we can't convince another of OUR view, they must be wrong, and quite possibly our enemy. It is pathetically sad. But it's our "right".

I'll set the record straight for myself. First, I rarely state my opinion because of these very circumstances. I believe it's okay for everyone to form their own opinion. I don't make waves if there don't need to be any. I WILL NOT engage if  a fight is what you want. Sometimes, and very rarely, I feel the need to be heard. That's all. I don't expect you to change. I don't ask you to go get a new opinion. I will offer perspective that maybe you haven't thought of before. I will be kind. I will give my view and maybe even stand up for myself. That being said, if treated fairly, I will stand up for YOU as well. But I can't stand up very well for anyone if I have been injured in an attack. I just want the world to be a better place.

My opinion, should you want to know it, is that humans, in general, are wonderful. In general, they do their best. Humans are humans-therefore we disagree. Humans CAN disagree and still love each other. We can disagree and still be kind. We can disagree without calling names or using offensive words. Humans have done amazing things for each other since time began. We have done wonderful things as this latest installment of heightened life has ensued. My opinion is that we should continue. We should still unite. We can still take this current "C" word and make sure it's not such a horrid, troublesome word-but a lesson. There's still time to rally. And I will be grateful.

The ZONE

I work at an elementary school. I have not been physically working at my job site for 6 weeks. Other than the couple of times I had to do quick jobs there, gather material, or rescue food from our fridge that I had left there, I don't go into work. I do work from home, but it's not the same. I do not love video conferencing. At all. And not going to school? I honestly think it is making me dumb! Don't get me wrong. I am a person of average intelligence-a fast learner who is eager to receive new information. I can almost always pick up on anything (except new math) and I am not a stupid person. Though there were some areas I had to really work on, I got good grades and even excelled in certain areas of education. But I feel right now as though my brain is rotting away. I am grasping for every day words, I am never quite sure what the day even is and I am so confused at so many things. Stay in school kids! Being out of the game dumbs you down quicker than I thought possible! And I am, of course, speaking for myself. But I know many people who are developing that same fog I am.

Have you see the video on Instagram and Facebook of the woman citing all the rules for Coronavirus? It is hysterical! It is exactly how I feel. For every rule, there is an equal, opposite rule (or 3). The media makes it even harder to wade through. I honestly think they make up 80% of the problem  with their speculation alone. I can't make sense of the numbers. I can't make sense of the thousand ways we are handling this. I can't make sense of the drama and lashing out that has resulted from this monster named COVID that is relentlessly chasing me, but I can't seem to get even the slightest glimpse of it. All I think  I know of it comes from  fractured opinions and inconclusive, speculative reports. Oh, I believe there's a virus. I believe it spreads quickly. I believe some people are more susceptible to it. I believe measures had to be taken. But it has put me into the Twilight Zone and I don't know which end is up. My brain literally cannot grasp what has happened to our world because of this. I am dazed and confused.

And lonely.

I am a self-identified introvert who works every second of my life to be an extrovert. I LOVE PEOPLE! I get nervous in many situations but I push through because I love having people in my life and I don't want to lose them because of my moments of feeling shy. So I go gangbusters to put myself out there because my heart is outgoing and friendly and big and receptive and positive. I want that to be my life. I have worked hard to get here. And now I have had to retreat back into my shell because of that bully named Covid that is out there running our lives. I miss my job. I miss my kids. I miss my co-workers and counterparts. I miss my family and my fremlies. I miss going to church. In a building. With people. I miss talking to the cashier whose face I can see. I miss real stores, but also the days when paying for Amazon Prime actually meant I would have my order in two days. I miss hugs. I miss freedom. I miss travel. I miss life.

I KNOW I am blessed. Let's make no mistake about that. I am healthy, I have everything I need. Even toilet paper. Yes folks, I always buy it so I'm prepared. I have bought it all along. We have been without income before so I'm always ready. We had a good long way to go before I needed to buy it. And sadly, when I finally really did see we were running low, I couldn't buy it. For weeks. Even though I had prepared long before this craziness. But that's another story... I have things to do. I am not hungry or without basic needs, and I even have many things my heart desires. I am a simple person, and don't require much, and I have everything covered for now. I am so far beyond grateful. I have learned it can always be worse. I'm grateful it's not. I value every single blessing in my life-and I acknowledge every one of them-even the ones I can't see. I'm telling you, I loved my Mustang before, but I see it now-more than ever-as my ticket out. My get away car, if you will. When I jump in that thing in the dark of night with the windows down and the music cranked, I can FINALLY breathe! An I am overcome with gratitude for that pleasure I am able to enjoy. But I am starting to get worried.

My get away car

I'm not here to argue. I won't take sides or decide who is right or even let you think I have an inkling of the best course for things. All I know is am headed down coo-coo-cachoo alley at a pretty fast pace. I have adhered to rules. I have followed law enforcement and government guidelines. I have been respectful to others. I have stayed home. I have been patient. I'm protecting the people who need protection. I am staying away even though it breaks my heart. I want to do the right thing FOR THEM.

I'm getting antsy. It's not because I think I am being controlled (although that has crossed my mind.) It's not because I feel rebellious. It's not even because I am cooped up-all though I hate it. It is because I am terrified of not LIVING. Let me clarify that. I am alive, but I feel the longer we do this, the less we thrive. Being alive is drastically different from LIVING. I understand we are careful so when this is over, we can LIVE and -we hope- thrive. Will we have the funds to thrive? The means?  The sanity? The ability? The acceptance? The will?

Let me assure you, I will. One of my strengths is that I CAN rally, and do it quickly. I'm not saying it will be easy. There will be loss. Lots of it. There already is. The repercussions of this-especially the ones behind closed doors and cooped up minds-will manifest. And we will take care of them. Good things are coming from caring hearts and working hands, and I hope that will be remembered above all else. When it comes down to it, it is how we reacted to it that matters. I pray the good things shine like a beacon as we heal our homes, our economy, our infrastructure, our school systems, churches and government. I hope the sacrifices we made stand out with ferocity as we recondition our immune systems and resume our relationships in all the ways we are missing right now. I pray the good remains, that it is the focal point, and the proof that we did our best under horrendous circumstances. For that, surely, I will unquestionably, BE GRATEFUL.

Biggest Loser

No, I'm not trying to lose weight. Actually, scratch that. I'm always trying to lose that last 5 pounds...but that's not what this is about. It is a weight in my heart, though.

I kind of feel like Peter Quill in Guardians of the Galaxy...

Everyone I know is a loser. That is, we have all lost something...someone-and it hurts. I'm not just talking about death, though feel I am reaching my quota of losing people I love through that avenue.  I don't have a monopoly on loss-no one does. Loss comes in many different forms. In an earlier post (https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2020/03/) I mentioned we just lost a family member-a precious child. My heart has been heavy as I plod through that bit of grief. Well, four days ago I lost a cousin. It was not expected, and a shock to the family. Sometimes I feel like I can't get over one loss before the next one comes. Even though I know I don't have  pain to the same harrowing degree as their immediate families, my heart aches just the same. I believe that the death of loved ones is one of the biggest trials we experience as humans-and I believe we endure a lot as mortals. Things we didn't anticipate, things we don't know that we'll make it through, things we feel we don't deserve. But death-oh death-people we love being wrenched from our lives and having no say in the matter-is hard to take, even though every person knows that it is an unavoidable and inevitable event whether it is sooner or later. It's hard for the human mind to process. Loss knocks you over and leaves you reeling, off kilter and not even knowing how to handle the multitude of feelings that accompany the loss of a loved one. Guilt. Pain. Fear. Anger (though I rarely feel this particular emotion). Denial. Having the breath knocked right out of your body.  And that's the beginning. Then comes loneliness, memories, the what ifs, the unknown....all the extra feelings you never saw coming. It's been said there's a journey in all that; one of growth, pain, and opportunity if you let it be. I guess that's the trick.

Then there's just plain loss. Death isn't the only loss we deal with. There are losses of loved ones in many other ways. They abandon us, forsake us, move on, and move away. Some resent. Some cannot handle the relationship. Some just haven't gotten social skills necessary to sustain a relationship. People grow away from each other, and, sadly, people forget each other too. In very very rare and weak moments, there are a handful of people I beg God to let me forget...just because the pain involved it too great for my heart to handle. But most often I am left with the pain and the memories...and the lessons I learn as well.  I can't begrudge the lesson. And truly I can't forget the person, either.... because once you have become one with my heart, you own property there. And no one can take it, no matter how hard I get someone else to take over the lease. The contract is unbreakable. And in the end that's the way I want it. But losing anyone for any reason is hard.

Can you believe there is more? Loss of security. Loss of funds. Loss of purpose. Loss of reality. Loss of respect, or love, or admiration. Loss of home. Loss of motivation. The loss of not being able to end the school year with my 600 little kiddos because of a freaking virus. Things that absolutely break your heart. All of these things and more weigh on any mortal. Loss is a necessary evil-and it's not always evil. I get there are many purposes for loss. Lessons. Grace. Humility. Empathy. While loss can be soul-breaking, it can be soul-defining as well. Not a single human escapes without experiencing loss. So what are you going to do with it? Oh FEEL IT for sure. That's part of the human experience after all. Feeling is living. There's no better way to know you're alive. But then take your loss and ride it out. Mold it, shape it, use it, and do something worthwhile with it. Even if it's just telling someone else it's okay. We all want that right to own how we feel and we want those feelings as OURS-our very own-that no one feels exactly like us. And that's okay. No one can feel exactly what you're feeling. But everyone does know loss. And there really is strength in numbers. To know we are not alone is one humongous survival tool. Acceptance is another.

The fact of the matter is that while loss can come at the hands of others, though our own actions, or through the cycle of life itself...it all comes down to loss of control. That is what throws us off the deep end-sending us to the pit of despair. That's where I have learned that once I have felt what I need to feel, and thrown my fit of agony and defeat, in the end, OWNING IT is the only way to make it out the other side. I might be different and changed when I do, but by owning it, I give myself the means to move through. Not on, not over, but through.  I. WILL. COME. OUT. And I'll be grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud

Oh For Heck's Sake!😢

Okay. Yes. I'm a crier. I have always been one. I will always be one. A happy crier. A sad crier. A hurt crier. A "thank God I'm okay" crier. An "I love it when children sing" crier. An "I'm scared" crier.  An empathetic crier. Heavens-I cry for and with people I have never met. I cry with the people on TV.  I can be an ugly crier. I'm not ashamed. I freely admit it. It's who I am.

I have to bleach and then re-blue my hair every 6 months to keep it bright. 
The day I bleach I always cry. It makes me feel like I lost my dad all over again.

There have certainly been times in my life when I was made to feel embarrassed or inferior because I cry. I'm sure there are times when crying was not the best response to a situation, but it is automatic for me, and there is rarely any stopping it. I feel. Sometimes I wish I didn't. But as I have stated many times, I'd rather feel than not. I have discussed this with friends. I have some who cry like me, some who refuse to ever cry, and many who are anywhere in between the two.  Whatever your response is, it's okay with me. I know people who laugh when everyone else is crying-because that is their protective response. And that is okay. Some people are stoic..and I have had to be that way before. I am good at the behavior of being stoic, but not always at the response. I may be stoic, but the tears will come if necessary and many times before I even realize what is happening.  And it's okay. It is. What makes me bananas is when people apologize for crying. WHY???????? It's a natural response-a human biological trait that was given to each of us. Why in the world do we apologize for crying like it is a weakness?

To be fair, when we cry, it can look....messy. Facial contortion is probable. We don't like others to see us when we are not in our best forms. But when I see someone crying, it tells me they are truly, completely feeling  their emotions. And that is a beautiful thing. The act of being brave enough to show your vulnerabilities, insecurities, and care for a situation is deeply humbling to me. It makes me feel trusted that I can actually see  you feel. It gives me hope that I can feel in front of you-with no backlash or repercussions. What a wonderfully secure state of being that is. I admire those who can let go enough to actually be themselves and  show that there doesn't have to be a barrier between our reactions and emotions. Tears speak volumes and can portray so many things...needs, desires, love, care, grief, pain, happiness, fulfillment, despair, and hope. There is sincerity that comes with true tears that just can't be conveyed any other way. I'm not saying that if you don't cry, you're not sincere.  It's just  that seeing you embrace those feelings and let yourself cry makes sincerity easily readable for me. It actually gives me the signals I need to react myself, and help you, comfort you, cry with you, or even give you space. I am not very good at the space thing...I am a born comforter and I admit that is the first thing I will try to do-give comfort. But I am trying to learn how to give space!!

On another track, let's examine some health aspects of crying. Most experts agree that a good cry is good medicine. Why? It lets your emotions out so you can purge accumulation of pent up energy and then press on. It actually helps you calm yourself because your body lets down when you release emotion. It's a natural response and one that was built into our bodies as a way to purge and cleanse. It has also been found that while crying is a tool for self-soothing, it also releases oxytocin and endorphins. These are feel good chemicals that our bodies provide. Studies have shown that tears, especially tears from stress (grief, pain, empathy, frustration and hopelessness included), release toxins from the body. Tears re-moisten the eyes, clearing bacteria and dust particles from them as well. Good stuff, right?

"They say that tears are the words your heart can't express."

I'm not here to tell you whether you should cry or not. That's not my call or my judgment to make. That's why we are all individuals. We all handle things in the ways that best suit us, and there are copious ways we do this. What I am saying is that there is no shame in crying. It's natural. We were born doing it. It's a way to express deep things. It's healthy if done in the right doses. It shows trust. It portrays the human component in all of us. I think crying actually makes me stronger. With a good cry every now and then, I can hit reset and charge forward. I won't apologize for crying. If I have to blow my nose in front of you while crying, well...I may say I'm sorry for that. But please, never, EVER apologize for feeling. For sharing your feelings. For being real. For being human. You have the ability. Be grateful.