Biggest Loser

No, I'm not trying to lose weight. Actually, scratch that. I'm always trying to lose that last 5 pounds...but that's not what this is about. It is a weight in my heart, though.

I kind of feel like Peter Quill in Guardians of the Galaxy...

Everyone I know is a loser. That is, we have all lost something...someone-and it hurts. I'm not just talking about death, though feel I am reaching my quota of losing people I love through that avenue.  I don't have a monopoly on loss-no one does. Loss comes in many different forms. In an earlier post (https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2020/03/) I mentioned we just lost a family member-a precious child. My heart has been heavy as I plod through that bit of grief. Well, four days ago I lost a cousin. It was not expected, and a shock to the family. Sometimes I feel like I can't get over one loss before the next one comes. Even though I know I don't have  pain to the same harrowing degree as their immediate families, my heart aches just the same. I believe that the death of loved ones is one of the biggest trials we experience as humans-and I believe we endure a lot as mortals. Things we didn't anticipate, things we don't know that we'll make it through, things we feel we don't deserve. But death-oh death-people we love being wrenched from our lives and having no say in the matter-is hard to take, even though every person knows that it is an unavoidable and inevitable event whether it is sooner or later. It's hard for the human mind to process. Loss knocks you over and leaves you reeling, off kilter and not even knowing how to handle the multitude of feelings that accompany the loss of a loved one. Guilt. Pain. Fear. Anger (though I rarely feel this particular emotion). Denial. Having the breath knocked right out of your body.  And that's the beginning. Then comes loneliness, memories, the what ifs, the unknown....all the extra feelings you never saw coming. It's been said there's a journey in all that; one of growth, pain, and opportunity if you let it be. I guess that's the trick.

Then there's just plain loss. Death isn't the only loss we deal with. There are losses of loved ones in many other ways. They abandon us, forsake us, move on, and move away. Some resent. Some cannot handle the relationship. Some just haven't gotten social skills necessary to sustain a relationship. People grow away from each other, and, sadly, people forget each other too. In very very rare and weak moments, there are a handful of people I beg God to let me forget...just because the pain involved it too great for my heart to handle. But most often I am left with the pain and the memories...and the lessons I learn as well.  I can't begrudge the lesson. And truly I can't forget the person, either.... because once you have become one with my heart, you own property there. And no one can take it, no matter how hard I get someone else to take over the lease. The contract is unbreakable. And in the end that's the way I want it. But losing anyone for any reason is hard.

Can you believe there is more? Loss of security. Loss of funds. Loss of purpose. Loss of reality. Loss of respect, or love, or admiration. Loss of home. Loss of motivation. The loss of not being able to end the school year with my 600 little kiddos because of a freaking virus. Things that absolutely break your heart. All of these things and more weigh on any mortal. Loss is a necessary evil-and it's not always evil. I get there are many purposes for loss. Lessons. Grace. Humility. Empathy. While loss can be soul-breaking, it can be soul-defining as well. Not a single human escapes without experiencing loss. So what are you going to do with it? Oh FEEL IT for sure. That's part of the human experience after all. Feeling is living. There's no better way to know you're alive. But then take your loss and ride it out. Mold it, shape it, use it, and do something worthwhile with it. Even if it's just telling someone else it's okay. We all want that right to own how we feel and we want those feelings as OURS-our very own-that no one feels exactly like us. And that's okay. No one can feel exactly what you're feeling. But everyone does know loss. And there really is strength in numbers. To know we are not alone is one humongous survival tool. Acceptance is another.

The fact of the matter is that while loss can come at the hands of others, though our own actions, or through the cycle of life itself...it all comes down to loss of control. That is what throws us off the deep end-sending us to the pit of despair. That's where I have learned that once I have felt what I need to feel, and thrown my fit of agony and defeat, in the end, OWNING IT is the only way to make it out the other side. I might be different and changed when I do, but by owning it, I give myself the means to move through. Not on, not over, but through.  I. WILL. COME. OUT. And I'll be grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud