The ZONE

I work at an elementary school. I have not been physically working at my job site for 6 weeks. Other than the couple of times I had to do quick jobs there, gather material, or rescue food from our fridge that I had left there, I don't go into work. I do work from home, but it's not the same. I do not love video conferencing. At all. And not going to school? I honestly think it is making me dumb! Don't get me wrong. I am a person of average intelligence-a fast learner who is eager to receive new information. I can almost always pick up on anything (except new math) and I am not a stupid person. Though there were some areas I had to really work on, I got good grades and even excelled in certain areas of education. But I feel right now as though my brain is rotting away. I am grasping for every day words, I am never quite sure what the day even is and I am so confused at so many things. Stay in school kids! Being out of the game dumbs you down quicker than I thought possible! And I am, of course, speaking for myself. But I know many people who are developing that same fog I am.

Have you see the video on Instagram and Facebook of the woman citing all the rules for Coronavirus? It is hysterical! It is exactly how I feel. For every rule, there is an equal, opposite rule (or 3). The media makes it even harder to wade through. I honestly think they make up 80% of the problem  with their speculation alone. I can't make sense of the numbers. I can't make sense of the thousand ways we are handling this. I can't make sense of the drama and lashing out that has resulted from this monster named COVID that is relentlessly chasing me, but I can't seem to get even the slightest glimpse of it. All I think  I know of it comes from  fractured opinions and inconclusive, speculative reports. Oh, I believe there's a virus. I believe it spreads quickly. I believe some people are more susceptible to it. I believe measures had to be taken. But it has put me into the Twilight Zone and I don't know which end is up. My brain literally cannot grasp what has happened to our world because of this. I am dazed and confused.

And lonely.

I am a self-identified introvert who works every second of my life to be an extrovert. I LOVE PEOPLE! I get nervous in many situations but I push through because I love having people in my life and I don't want to lose them because of my moments of feeling shy. So I go gangbusters to put myself out there because my heart is outgoing and friendly and big and receptive and positive. I want that to be my life. I have worked hard to get here. And now I have had to retreat back into my shell because of that bully named Covid that is out there running our lives. I miss my job. I miss my kids. I miss my co-workers and counterparts. I miss my family and my fremlies. I miss going to church. In a building. With people. I miss talking to the cashier whose face I can see. I miss real stores, but also the days when paying for Amazon Prime actually meant I would have my order in two days. I miss hugs. I miss freedom. I miss travel. I miss life.

I KNOW I am blessed. Let's make no mistake about that. I am healthy, I have everything I need. Even toilet paper. Yes folks, I always buy it so I'm prepared. I have bought it all along. We have been without income before so I'm always ready. We had a good long way to go before I needed to buy it. And sadly, when I finally really did see we were running low, I couldn't buy it. For weeks. Even though I had prepared long before this craziness. But that's another story... I have things to do. I am not hungry or without basic needs, and I even have many things my heart desires. I am a simple person, and don't require much, and I have everything covered for now. I am so far beyond grateful. I have learned it can always be worse. I'm grateful it's not. I value every single blessing in my life-and I acknowledge every one of them-even the ones I can't see. I'm telling you, I loved my Mustang before, but I see it now-more than ever-as my ticket out. My get away car, if you will. When I jump in that thing in the dark of night with the windows down and the music cranked, I can FINALLY breathe! An I am overcome with gratitude for that pleasure I am able to enjoy. But I am starting to get worried.

My get away car

I'm not here to argue. I won't take sides or decide who is right or even let you think I have an inkling of the best course for things. All I know is am headed down coo-coo-cachoo alley at a pretty fast pace. I have adhered to rules. I have followed law enforcement and government guidelines. I have been respectful to others. I have stayed home. I have been patient. I'm protecting the people who need protection. I am staying away even though it breaks my heart. I want to do the right thing FOR THEM.

I'm getting antsy. It's not because I think I am being controlled (although that has crossed my mind.) It's not because I feel rebellious. It's not even because I am cooped up-all though I hate it. It is because I am terrified of not LIVING. Let me clarify that. I am alive, but I feel the longer we do this, the less we thrive. Being alive is drastically different from LIVING. I understand we are careful so when this is over, we can LIVE and -we hope- thrive. Will we have the funds to thrive? The means?  The sanity? The ability? The acceptance? The will?

Let me assure you, I will. One of my strengths is that I CAN rally, and do it quickly. I'm not saying it will be easy. There will be loss. Lots of it. There already is. The repercussions of this-especially the ones behind closed doors and cooped up minds-will manifest. And we will take care of them. Good things are coming from caring hearts and working hands, and I hope that will be remembered above all else. When it comes down to it, it is how we reacted to it that matters. I pray the good things shine like a beacon as we heal our homes, our economy, our infrastructure, our school systems, churches and government. I hope the sacrifices we made stand out with ferocity as we recondition our immune systems and resume our relationships in all the ways we are missing right now. I pray the good remains, that it is the focal point, and the proof that we did our best under horrendous circumstances. For that, surely, I will unquestionably, BE GRATEFUL.