Who's Listening

I try to be a good listener.  After almost 5 decades on earth I like to think I've gotten better.  But I admit I struggle sometimes.  They say the best way to listen is with intent to understand, and I agree. Most of us harbor such a need to be heard that we forget to listen to others,  much less understand them. I have "feelings" to do things for others pretty much all the time. My brain is full of them. "Call her, text him, check on them, write a letter, give a gift, stop by, make sure they are noticed, make sure they know they are appreciated, make sure they know they are loved".....so much going on all the time. I listen to many of them. But I'm the first one to admit that life gets in the way. What if I am tired or distracted, or don't feel well, or I question the origin of my thoughts-is it really something I am supposed to do or is it just a passing "Heather" thought? I have decided that if it is good, I need to do it. And I try. It is one of my missions in life. And something I come by rightly. Listening is something my mother has always done with grace and beauty. I have had a wonderful teacher and example in watching her do this my whole life. Between her and my dad, we learned often what listening can do. And as it is Memorial Day, I have to give some kudos to my dad for helping me from Heaven to hear some of those promptings a little more clearly.

Mom and Me-I call her my mini me.

Remembering his service in the Army

Angel Dad-Helping From Heaven

 

 

For the past 18 months I have been trying to hone the skill of listening....to others, to my family, to my intuition, to my heart, and to promptings about what I need to say and do. I have always thought I had this skill down quite nicely, but I have learned ....that there's always more to learn, and always room to grow. I have heard many more promptings because I have been listening intently, but there are many I have missed-or dismissed-because life has been hectic and demanding. I am always so grateful when I follow through-grateful that I can hear the prompting, and then grateful I could be of service or help wherever I was prompted to be. When I haven't followed through, I have been disappointed in myself. But as I have watched, and listened, and tried to become better, I have found that even if I have missed cues along the way, another one is sent that I DO catch on to. That makes me so grateful. I worry about missed chances. I worry about opportunities that fall to the wayside...but because I have been more vigilant, they come back around by the grace of God.  I am offered those chances again in other ways and times. I love that!

The other night I ran into one of my dear friends-one of the girls I had in Young Women's. I LOVE her! She is amazing. We had texted on Mother's Day, but the last week I kept feeling like I needed to text her and check on her. Things were crazy at work as school was winding down, so I kept telling myself I would do it later. Then I ran into her at Costco. My heart was full of joy because I hadn't seen her in person in so long, but also because she told me some news about a family member who really needed my prayers. News that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't run into her. I was so grateful that this opportunity was sent back around to me. Grateful to see her and her beautiful little family. Grateful to be in the right place on the right time. And this was after running into another one of my dearest friends just 10 minutes earlier in the front of the store. Someone I love dearly and had been needing to check in with. So I was sent to Costco at the very time I needed to be there-and good things happened. This is just one in hundreds of experiences that I have every week. And one I was so very happy to receive.

I realize that not everyone believes in the same God I do. But pretty much everyone believes in a higher power, or intuition, or something bigger than themselves. We all  have that chance to listen to whatever it is that spurs us to do better and achieve good things. My God is benevolent and doles out chance after chance-and as a puny human, but one that is HIS daughter-I am grateful. He keeps me in the loop, even if I don't catch on the first time around. The good news is that I am not the only person who can receive notions to do good. EVERYONE can. So when I can't get to it, I pray that someone else can. I pray that someone else will. And I will be grateful.

#Worthless

Could have, should have, would have. Worthless words that change absolutely nothing-yet we humans cling to those phrases like they are our lifelines. They aren't. They help nothing. They mean nothing. What's done is done. Life is short. We don't have time for that!

There's something to be said for having regret-it hopefully keeps us from repeating past mistakes...but it sure doesn't change them. And it's good to review our actions, to see where we can improve or make better decisions. But too many times, the coulda, shoulda, woulda's come and take over when in reality acceptance of what happened is the only answer. Own it, then move on. There is no control over what happened-only control over what can happen next. The next step after that is up to you. You can take what happened and learn from it, or let it happen again...and that's pretty much it. Face the storms...then move forward.



Moving on-out of the clouds and into the sun.


The older I get, and the more I learn, I realize we humans beat ourselves up over things instead of learning from them enough to move on and LIVE. That's what we are here for. Only what we learn and our experiences go with us. I have A LOT MORE LIVING to do! There are so many things I want to do-and sorting out feelings of regret over things I cannot change is a pastime I can live without. So I'm trying to get the learning done as early on as possible so I can EXPERIENCE while I am still in human form. I want to do the things that are meant to do in mortality. I want to go places. I want to be a participant in the human experience. I want to travel, I want to see, I want to love each moment.



EXPERIENCES



 

I find myself so very grateful that I get  to love moments-just normal, human, everyday things. I am so blessed that I don't have to wander around trying to find shelter from the next bomb or landmine, I don't go ravaging for daily food, or even shelter. I have a place to eat, to sleep, to work, to play, and to call my own. I know there are people with so much more than me~ and I'm okay with that.  I am grateful to be average. I'm grateful to be able to love, and be loved. I'm grateful to experience joy. I could choose to focus on the coulda shoulda wouldas, but even God has said man should have joy,  and I don't want to miss any.  Life is just too short.  So while I will continue to make utterly human mistakes,  my plan is to get the lesson learned as quickly as possible so I can enjoy the goodness in the world instead of the regrets. And I will be truly and so humbly grateful.

Oh! And for the record, if you're having a hard time letting go of the "ouldas", there's no better way to move past them than to do something for someone else.  Reaching outside of yourself to share light with others takes the spotlight off you and your past,  and puts the focus on good-for you and the person you're reaching out to.  LOVE LIKE A WARRIOR.  It's a sure bet. And you'll  be grateful too.



Negative Charge

Yesterday I  walked into a teacher's classroom. She had a word up on her white board with the definition- that word was flummoxed. It was interesting because her kids had never heard that word, but I have been feeling flummoxed for quite some time.

flummoxed: the act of being perplexed or bewildered

Yes, I am flummoxed.  I have realized that there are people all around us who actually look for reasons to be upset. People who refuse to see the good. People who take on everything-not to help someone  else, but turn it into something about themselves. There are people who look for rain instead of rainbows. There are people who see silver linings not as beauty, but as a bright light that is too much for their eyes to handle. There are people who take something bad that happened to someone else, and have to turn it into a  bad thing that they've experienced. They always have to have it worse than you do. Some people get irritated if you try to show them a bright side. They don't want perspective. They don't want to help, or receive help for that matter. They want to feel vindicated and justified in their feelings.  And they want you to agree with them.  They don't want to find any Silver Linings. They just want to enjoy their misery. Optimally, it would be nice to just let them. But letting people bask in the gloom of their own making is not the reason we are here on earth, and I have found that once someone sets off a negative charge around me- it affects me. And I don't like it. The mood changes, the energy takes a new path, the chest pains begin.  I work to resist the damaging mood, but the more I'm around it, the harder it is to resist. I don't understand why someone wouldn't just want to focus on the good, and that's just me. But it's hard on me. It affects my soul and makes my heart ache-literally.

Let me just say that there is a big difference between sharing anecdotal stories of "I’ve been there, done that" and putting gasoline on the fire of negativity. It always feels good to know you’re not going through something alone. Sharing stories of support and "I understand  what you’re going through" can be welcome-and even healing.  Dumping a "life is awful and the world is against us" attitude just makes things worse. That is why I look for good. And boy do I get it for that sometimes. I don't know if others feel guilt for not seeing it themselves, or they want someone to agree with them on all the bad, or if it is just getting harder to find goodness in this world, but feeling the constant drain of negativity sounds exhausting to me. It makes me weak me just hearing about it. Yet there is a need in every person to express...and sometimes those expressions are hard to take. Especially if they are repeatedly full of dread and darkness.  After awhile it makes it hard to find the light.

Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants a voice and for their views to have bearing in matters of importance. It is natural to want to be understood. As I wade through this life I have come to realize that there's another way to view this. While it's not wrong to want to be understood, maybe the better choice is to be  understanding. To listen with the intent to understand. To gain perspective. To entertain the thoughts and emotions of others. And to look for good. Finding good is how I survive. It is how I make it through hardships, it's how I forgive, it's how I rebound and heal. It's how I build others, it's how I find love to give, it's how I find beauty. It's how I count blessings.

 

Counting Blessings

I know that I go Pollyanna on this subject quite often, but as of late, I have had an epiphany of sorts. In wanting to be understood myself, and begging for others to see the good in me, it hit me that looking for good is more than looking for a bright side or good quality. I ask God daily to help me see the good in others, the good in situations, the good in all things. I also ask Him to help others see good in me-that it will shine from my eyes and my heart will be felt by those around me. I want very desperately to make a difference and do it right. This has been a constant pleading of mine and in a true "Come to Jesus" moment that left me gasping for breath and gulping back sobs, it struck my heart deeply that looking for good means looking for God. Yes, you read that correctly. God is good. So in looking for good, we will find Him. Wowzers! Oh how I needed this message to stand out to me. This soothed me on so many levels. It answered prayers. This gave me great comfort because if I can find good, and in doing so find God, I must be doing something right. And I am grateful.

Faint of Heart

You have been warned. If you are one of the faint of heart, maybe this isn't for you. I can say this because I am one of those that is faint of heart, both literally and figuratively. Between the physical elements that plague my heart, and the extra large, absorbent heart I was blessed with, my heart is pretty much always strung out. Sometimes I don't know what to do with all about the goings-on in there. It's hard for me to sort out. All my heart wants to do is be happy and then spread the happy to everyone else. Because of this tendency of mine, I have always been quite amicable, easy to please, agreeable on most things, and quiet on many issues. I'm not one who likes to argue, or feels like my point needs to be made. Unless I feel quite strongly about something, I will be quiet and let others talk. So when I do have something to say, and it's not general consensus, or it differs from the opinion in front of me, it blows people out of the water. It makes others faint of heart. It can be shocking that Heather could have an opinion, or even speak up about it. It's been an interesting observation.

I think because I've always been a people pleaser, going along with  the consensus is expected of me. Most of the time I have no trouble with it. I admit I love peace. I usually don't feel the need to be right as long as there is peace. Life throws curve balls. It's a lesson we all learn.

Every one of us has been through more than one thing that has shown us this truth...life is not fair. It isn't equal. It has ups and downs. The good stuff is a bonus. Life is full of beauty, but it is also full of despair. Life is full of judgements. While some jugements have bearing, so many judgments are unfounded and untrue-some of them can even be quite harsh. I've tried to teach my children that there will always be somebody judging you and you just have to deal with it. Sometimes, however, you  have to speak up about it. But oh my, when Heather speaks up, everything changes. People don't know what hit them. I try to do it kindly. I try to give perspective. I try to show another way to look at it. I'm not ever trying to show that someone else is wrong. Usually I'm just trying to show there are many ways to look at something. And there can be many opinions that work. I tend to err to the side of kindness and finding good. And sometimes that makes people mad. Or feel unheard. Or feel picked on. Not my intention. Not my hope. My hope is to radiate kindness and Light. And then share it with others.

This doesn't mean that I won't vent. I get irritated too. I get lost in the crowd. I get frustrated. But I try to get perspective. And then I try to share it with others. It's hard, because there are times people do not want perspective. Sometimes they just want to be right. Sometimes they just want vindication. And sometimes they just want to be heard  as well. It's okay. Perspective comes sooner or later. I would rather have someone gain perspective on me and my actions than have them assume the worst. This is what I try to do for others and this is how I try to look at life. It actually brings peace. But sometimes it's hard to make my voice heard especially if it doesn't jive with what is going on around me. It's shocking, I know. But I do have opinions and at times I will speak up.

The fact of the matter is that we were all given brains and hearts so that we could use them. I'm 48 years old now. I'm finding it's time to stand up for things. I'm finding it's okay to have an opinion. I'm finding it's okay to express myself and there is a way to do it kindly and with dignity. I'm finding not everyone has to agree with me and it is okay just like I don't have to agree with them and it's okay. For the most part... If you are kind, and trying to do good, I won't have much of a problem with you. But if you are being unfair and mean I might have to say something. The point of all this is that somewhere, sometime, even in the life of one that is faint of heart, you've got to stand up. And I'm going to try. I will do it kindly. I will do it with a conscience. I will do it diplomatically. I will not do it because I need to win, or because I need to be right. I will do it because I want to do what's right. I want to make my voice heard in good things. I want to make a difference. And I will be grateful.

What a Waste

Man!  Life is so short.  It goes so fast.  I was watching a baby food commercial last night and I realized I no longer have kids.  I have grown up adults that I gave birth to, but their childhood is over. Of course I always want them to nurture the kid inside them,  but for all practical purposes they are adults. I wish I had listened to other people when they told me to savor every moment and to leave the chores for another day because the kids would grow up before I could even blink. Boy is it true. I loved every minute of raising my babies, even the hard minutes.

 

Meanwhile, everything else in life passes quickly as well. I don't know where the time goes. Mortality is short. We think we have forever to get things done, and before we know it, time is up. I'm turning 48 next week. So roughly  half of my life is over, if not more. I have been through 2 cancer scares, heart surgery, and a total hysterectomy-with lots of sketchy instances in between.  So, more than once I have worried I wouldn't be there for my family and friends. I have worried about dying and feeling I haven't accomplished all that I need to in this life. I fret abut missing chances. I want to overcome my anxieties and live life to the fullest, getting as much as I can out of my lifespan as I can. I have said before that I feel one of my main purposes in life is to spread light and seek out the best in everyone. While I am not perfect at it, it is still something I feel a drive to perfect as much as possible while here in mortality. Though I don't feel close to death just yet (I am convincing myself that 48 is still spring chickenish, right?) I know that time will continue to march on at a faster pace with each year. So I am almost frantic to make those connections with others before I'm not here to do it anymore . I will forever be grateful that I saw my dad as much as I did and we said what needed to be said while he was still here. I still talk to him often, but it's just not the same as being with him, hugging him in his mortal form, and showing my love to him in person. Those moments can't be replaced.

 I was telling someone the other day that I am terrified of wasting time when it comes to people and time with them. I don't want to meet my maker and have Him say, "What a waste. I gave you life. I gave you chances to spend time with people, make memories with them and make a difference. Why didn't you do it?" That is truly my worst fear-wasting time NOT doing the things on earth while I have a body to do so. I know we are all busy. There are a lot of things in our lives that take time and energy. Sometimes we really can't do it all. But I believe that God gives us chances to do good things. I try to listen when He tells me to do something. I'm learning to listen to those gut feelings. They have never let me down.  I have had to take chances in my job, my choices, my travels, and with the people I love. I have not regretted them. I'm better for them. There are times I am scared, or I think I'm not strong enough, but I am learning I need to take the chance, because I don't know how many chances I will get. . I don't want to waste them. I want to be grateful.





Guilt Trip

Hi. My name is Heather and I'm a guiltaholic. It's true. I excel at guilt. I'm the one who walks in a room, and if the vibe is off, I'm sure it's my fault-even if I have never met the people in the room. I'm the one who second-guesses my every word-just in case I hurt someone's feelings. I'm the one who gets sick if I find out someone else is sick and I didn't take in a meal. I'm the one who kissed the guy in high school that I really didn't like, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I feel guilty if YOU took something I  said in a way I didn't mean; I feel guilty of your interpretation. I feel guilty if I did your laundry and it is even folded and clean on your bed, but I haven't put it away yet. I feel guilty if the cashier gives me too much change-even though I always give it back. I feel guilty if I'm in your way on the sidewalk. I'm the one that even if I feel am right, I will defer to another viewpoint and not argue because I feel guilty and I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. If I didn't text you back. If I had to say no. If I wasn't there when you needed me. You get the picture. Yeah...guilt. I'm a pro.

Guiltoholic extraordinaire

I have decided I don't like guilt. It's not pretty. It's not helpful. It is a completely useless emotion. It's destructive. Guilt makes a person feel lousy about themselves. Guilt makes you feel crummy for something you can't change. As much as we humans try, we cannot change the past. Guilt makes you feel like you are missing the mark. It's depressing and prevents progress. It takes away hope. It cloaks you in self-doubt. It is worthless, and makes you feel worthless as well. Remorse, however, is different. Remorse makes you feel sorry for something you have done and helps you to resolve not to let it happen again. Remorse helps you change behavior, where guilt makes you feel like there's no way out. Remorse doesn't change the past, but it helps you look forward to changing the future. Remorse is learning from something, while guilt holds you back from the lesson. Remorse is the light at the end of the tunnel that makes you wake up and realize that change can be good, and it can make a difference in the rest of your life. Guilt consumes your life and makes it impossible to see a way to move forward. In short-guilt is bad, remorse can be good. That's the Gospel of Heather anyway. But then why would there be repentance or penance, consequences, and 12 step programs if there were no hope for redemption and peace? Guilt won't get you to peace, but a sorrowful spirit and a resolve to do better can get you a long way down the road to a calm and productive way of life. It might even help you feel better at the end of the day. Growth is not a bad thing. Oh, it can be painful for sure...but healing in the end.

Thanks JP for knowing my cloud junkie tendencies

Peace, healing, calm...

Just a little illustration for you. I have a darling girl in my life that I get to see almost every day. She's had a few curves thrown at her over the years, but has always been sweet  and amiable. This year kind of got to her and she started taking her frustrations out on her friends. Every day for weeks I had reports on the playground of bullying and little girl fights. Every day I would talk to this girl, and she would cry, and she would feel hopeless. She beat herself down and was filled with despair. And she's only 7! One day she was at her wits end. She dissolved into tears and threw her head in my lap, sobbing. She told me she had ruined her life and that she felt guilty for all the fights she had caused between all her little friends. I hugged her and asked her if she was sorry, then we talked about things she could do to fix her situation. I told her if she was sorry and wanted to make amends, feeling sorry would help her to move forward and that she didn't have to feel guilty anymore. We made a plan of apology and she worked over the next few days to be kind. It got to the point that whenever I walked into her classroom she ran to me and threw her arms around me and said, "Miss Heather, there were no fights today!" A little remorse is all it took to start the change. Later I received this sweet note from her.

My thank you note (she loves my choker necklace :)

She's still a little girl with a long life ahead of her, so she will feel guilt every now and then, but it was nice to see that using the right emotion can fix a whole lot of damage. It's something I need to remember myself.

So hope.....yes hope! That's what I'm selling here. You don't ever have to drown yourself in a pool of guilt.  If that's the knee-jerk action that you start your journey on,  then don't linger there long. Gather your remorse and put it to good use.  And then be grateful.