IT'S A SECRET

I'm going to save you a trip to the wise man in Tibet.  I'm going to tell you the secret to life.  Yup,  I know what it is! Little old me, Heather Winward from Pleasant View,  Utah knows the secret that man has been searching for since the dawn of time.

First I need to address the purpose of life, and that is LOVE. Love is the reason we are here. It is the be all and end all of why we were created.  Loving is harder than it looks,  because loving in the way we were created to means loving in all circumstances and not just the ones we choose. Which brings me to the secret.

Are you ready? The secret to life is balance. Yes, balance!  It seems simple~so simple that we search for something more complex and earth-shattering to tell us what we are to achieve in our lives.  But balance is elusive and almost impossible to reach. Sure, we can find it for a moment, and in one or even two aspects of our lives,  but to secure balance on every front is pretty much unattainable for us humans. In fact I've  kind of realized that must be what perfection is. .. to be balanced in every way. Though I know I will never reach this kind of balance in my lifetime,  the constant shifting of my priorities might make for wonderful practice.

So back to the purpose of life...love... that takes balance too.  I love quite readily and easily. Loving is the easy part. The boundaries and responsibilities are what makes it tricky. To love when someone has hurt us, or betrayed us,  or made decisions we don't agree with~all that throws a kink into things,  doesn't it?

This can be applied to every other aspect of life. .. there is a point gone too far in everything. How much can I give without enabling? How far can I run before I overwork myself?  How busy can I be before I overwhelm myself? Or here's one I have to ask myself daily. ..How much hand sanitizer can I use before I kill the good bacteria that benefits me? ;)

I mull these things over on a regular basis these days.  I have the secret,  but what I do with it is something else all together.  Maybe sharing it with my readers will benefit someone,  but I suspect we've all known the secret all along. I think the biggest rewards will come when we pair the purpose of life with the secret of life. Perfection being the final outcome.

STUCK

Have you ever felt like the universe is out to get you? I try to believe otherwise but sometimes I have to wonder.  This week has been full of roadblocks for almost everything I have wanted to accomplish. The first few things I took in stride.  The next round had me puzzled but still determined. Next came laughing. Now I'm just frustrated.

Because my days have not gone as planned I ran around like a madwoman this morning trying to catch up on all the chores that were neglected  on account of all the nonsensical   elements that messed with my schedule this week.  I pulled a load of laundry of of the dryer this afternoon, and in leaning down I completely jacked my back out of whack. I said "dang it!"...but not in exactly those words. It takes A LOT to get me to say those words. I was done.  In more ways than one. My back was kinda the last straw.

Weeks like this get me wondering if all these experiences are part of just life or if there is a deeper meaning to things that go wrong. I'm a great believer that God doesn't waste a stroke.  But I also think He lets us live and make our own decisions. I think that as He gave us agency, He lets us experience things because it helps us grow.  I know I gain empathy each time I go through something hard or uncomfortable (or painful). I admit I'm a person who would love it if life was just happy and easy and everyone got along all the time.  I don't like having to go through anything distasteful  but I am grateful I can gain something useful from the hardships  in life.

So as I lay here with Doterra oils and a heating pad on my back, I am searching for meaning in the seemingly random bits of  "that really didn't need to happen" moments I've been introduced to this  week. I really have felt empathy for all individuals who are incapacitated in any way. As I can't move I am taking the time to blog after putting it off for weeks. I'm a little worried because I have to go back to work tomorrow, so I guess laying here is giving me lots of time to ponder and fret, but at least I have time to do it. I'm usually running so fast I can't process anything so by having to rest in one place today my organization skills are getting a workout even if my body isn't. I have recalled with fondness the peaceful and rewarding moments I've had this week, and am grateful I have those good things to cling to. I appreciate the times when I do feel capable and whole and my body works as it should. And I guess if realizing those things are the meaning in meaningless things,  they aren't so meaningless after all.

Baby Steps

Cassie is blissfully wed to Stephen....but we still miss her! I have really enjoyed watching Cassie blossom in her new role as wife. We've gone from 5 phone calls a day to one every few days. The cute couple is the perfect distance away from us-far enough to gain independence yet close enough to get help if they need it. A couple of weeks ago I called Cassie and asked her what she was doing. She told me she was SOOOO excited...she was doing "their" first load of laundry. She loves doing anything that makes it for them!  Together. I love watching them grow.


On the other hand, we have had to adjust here at our house. We've had to take baby steps. I love being a mom. I love being a caretaker. Though my workload is slightly lighter with one less person in the house, my heart is heavier with Cassie gone. The thing that makes it bearable is that I know Cassie is with the right man. She and Stephen are a wonderful couple and that makes me happy.

Meghan has had to adjust along with Chad and me. It took her a few weeks to be able to go to bed without Cassie here. She would just wander around the house until midnight or later. She has done better lately. But every time we do something that we have always done together and Cassie is not with us, we have to adjust again. When we gave Cassie's bunk beds away, we were emotional all over again.

Cassie's empty room

Still, we move forward. We've always had a family tradition to go to Salt Lake City and stay at Little America Hotel. We love it there. This last weekend Chad, Meghan and I went on our annual trip~without Cassie. There was a little trepidation at first, but knowing Cassie was doing just fine without us (and doing fabulous with Stephen) helped us to move forward and we actually had a very nice, relaxing, enjoyable time. Yes, we missed Cassie, but we also know that life will go on, and in taking baby steps we will make it together. That is until Meghan gets married and moves on too. But that is for another time FAR, FAR away. Right Meghan?

At the Cheesecake Factory

The TARDIS across the street from the Bountiful Temple!

View of the Salt Lake Temple from the top of the Conference Center

The view from our room at Little America

At the Aquarium

Meghan in the shark jaw (notice the sign to the right!)

Meghan during our Penguin Experience-one of the
most fun things we've ever done!

Pieces of Peace

I am not a physically strong person. I try, but am not. This has been a very physically trying week. When I have one of those weeks I am really good at beating myself up over it. Last year at girls camp my heart went crazy during the "big hike". I was terrified I would be on the news being airlifted out of Snow Canyon. Blessedly, Chad was there with me and through much patience got me out of there. I have never gotten over the embarrassment of almost-but not quite (less than 1/2 a mile from our destination!) making it. I know people that have energy from the moment they get up until they go to bed. I'm jealous. I have never been that way. I have family members who train for marathons while I know that is physically impossible for me. I'm lucky if I get a mile done on my treadmill a few times a week. Don't get me wrong...I have absolutely no desire to run marathons,  but the fact that I can't do it frustrates me. And granted, a decent bedtime might help my situation a little. The fact of the matter is that I had a lot of expectations on me this week and I fell short of a lot of them. For each day that I got through, the next one was more wearying. I didn't sleep well, I had nightmares when I did, and I had nausea that wouldn't go away. So I worried about the things I was not getting done. Which made me more weary. See the cycle?

I depend on inspiration quite often to keep me focused. I am blessed that during this week of self-doubt I was also blessed with plenty of inspiration. When I listened, I was able to be calm. I knew who to talk to, and who to listen to. I had to remember that sometimes we have to wait for answers and results. I knew there were people who were just fine without me and that I had to rely on the fact that I had taken care of some of these responsibilities months ago-and l had to be at peace about it. Above all, I had to look for peaceful, calming moments and trust that God was giving those gifts to me. Here are some of the pieces of peace that got me through my week.

Watching Santino Fontana sing with the  Mormon Tabernacle Choir
last week ~and remembering the exhilaration and inspiration this week

Being on Temple Square with Meghan and Emma and her family got my spirit
ready for the week ahead.

Enjoying the beauty that God has placed on the earth

Loving happy moments-even someone else's

Spending time with my parents

Sitting in my piece of paradise right outside my back door

Just Another Day in Paradise

With the wedding and all the catch up after it, I've almost forgotten to revel a little in our pre-wedding cruise experience. I have gotten pictures up on Facebook every so often, but part of me needs to relive paradise. I realize that for much of the world, experiences like  our cruise are once-in-a-lifetime chances, and I am so very grateful I have been blessed enough to see wonderful places and meet wonderful people on our trip.

Our first picture upon boarding the Disney Dream

The time I spent with my family was the absolute best part of our cruise. We grew together in many ways. This trip was emotionally charged. We knew when we got back that life was going to change drastically for us. Cassie got married less that 2 weeks after our return, and that was in the back of our minds during the cruise. We had to work through a few tears and anxieties, but we all felt better for the closeness we gained from it.

Leaving Port Canaveral

One of the things our family realized is that there are people who enjoy travel and places of paradise on a regular, if not every day basis. Just seeing some of the homes in the Bahamas was mind-bending. We felt so blessed to have our week there. The fact that we have to save, plan, and work hard for our trips to paradise make them all the more special to us. I am in awe every time I experience a wonder with my family. I admit I get very emotional while I am having these adventures. Time passes so quickly and it has gone so fast while raising my children. I always wonder if I have really cherished and made the most of everyday moments. You never miss the little things until they are gone.

Pirate Night

Fireworks at sea

So although we were quite literally in paradise for a time, I do understand that paradise is with my family. My family is changing. I am willing myself to recognize that paradise can change too. So I plan to make the most of whatever paradise I get.

Castaway Cay-the best reason for a Disney Cruise!

Ah-island life





When Sore Trials Come Upon You

I am normally one who likes to concentrate on the positive and see the good in life. Even when things are hard, I like to put a positive spin on it, and look for the blessings that have come from it. I will always look for silver linings. I will always look for good.

BUT. I have had trials. Many of them. From the day to day struggles of every day life to health issues to loss and loneliness.  I am like the rest of the world and have been tested to past what I thought my limit was. I have been dragged through Hell. I have lived through things I thought would kill me. No one is immune. No one's life is perfect.

The date today is one that has traditionally been extremely bittersweet for me. It signifies the occurrence of one of the greatest joys I've experienced and one of the most devastating losses I've ever endured.

I am not going to burden my readers with the details, but be assured I know first hand what loss is. I know the bitter taste of loneliness and the heart~wrenching, soul~twisting feeling of utter despair. I do not want to get dramatic or melancholy, but want it to be known I am not just a sympathizer~but a true empathizer of pain.

That being said, and I hope understood, I will testify that there is always hope. There is always a way out of the darkness. There is a God, and He can love you through anything. He can show you light in the darkest of places.  I'm a believer that once you have had part of your heart ripped out-you never get over it-but you can get THROUGH it. And come out the other side knowing you were blessed. Knowing who loves you. Knowing you have strength in ways you never dreamed you could.

One more thing I've found out. Service really does help. By some divine coincidence I always seem to do some kind of service on this day. Today it was several hours of hard, physical, hot work with a youth group and a scout working for his Eagle. If nothing else it helped keep my mind from wondering to that dark place it escapes to sometimes. But it made me feel good too.

So today I'm okay. The hurt is always present but it has been patched over with the kindness of others, the blessings from God, the hope of the future, and the realization that I am getting through. Seeing the blessings. Seeing the light. I am grateful.

All That Glitters

I am trying to catch back up with my life in the wedding and cruise aftermath. I am putting things away, moving things, organizing, cleaning, and thinking. A lot.



One of the kissing balls with over 100 hand made roses

The wedding was marvelous. I could not have asked for a more blessed experience. Lots of fun, happiness, love, warmth, food, friendship and joy came from it. Not to mention plenty of glitter. I absolutely relished preparing for and creating the decorations for Cassie and Stephen's wedding. I love creating and this filled a long neglected void for me. But as I have been dismantling and putting away all of the glitz and glitter, I realize the "glitter" in the whole experience was the people. I have the most wonderful son-in-law. He is funny, kind, handsome, good-hearted, smart, and most of all, he adores Cassie. His family is just as wonderful. We received help from, interacted with, and enjoyed time with so many wonderful people during all of this. Anyone who knows me knows that I have a hard time with crowds and social situations. I LOVE PEOPLE. But socializing is an awkward experience for me. I absolutely enjoyed my social experiences during the weeks before and during the wedding. I saw people I miss, people I love, people I admire, and people I don't even know very well throughout this process. And I loved it. I loved the reception. To my husband's utter dismay, I told him we should have a gathering like the reception once a month just so we could see all those amazing people in one place again.

Centerpieces

Okay-maybe that is overboard, but my point is that it's not the glitter, the decorations, the cake, the invitations or gifts that make an event-but the PEOPLE . And they made ours. I know I'm blessed. I know what matters. I'm grateful for the people that make my life better. They are my glitter.