(I)SCREAM

Time is dwindling. The clock is going faster this summer. I feel like I haven't gotten one. The craziness of life kind of took over this summer. On the upside, I went on a cruise, saw Las Vegas for about 2 seconds in a sort of drive by shooting kind of way in all it's....ummmm.....scary splendor, bought something fun to drive, and met up with friends I haven't seen since heaven. So that's a pretty good list. But it went so fast.

It's been no secret I have been dealing with some things I haven't been used to in my life thus far. Everyone does. My summer days of ice cream have been spent as "I scream" instead, but with the help of God, angels, and the amazing peeps I have gathered in my life, I am making it.

 

Yes, I have a cloud obsession. It helps me see light.

I look for light. I try to BE light. I haven't lost my light. It has just been a little dimmed as of late. I am normally a person that can rally and find the silver lining of ANY situation...and I am still doing that. I will never lose that, because it's one of the things I was born to do. My husband calls me the "Silver Lining Seamstress". . I know it drives some people crazy. I look past faults, try to find reasons to see why someone is behaving a certain way, try to forgive, try to search for another  way to look at a situation. I feel it's better than living in negativity and dread...so I continue to look for those other ways instead of the worst possible scenarios. I know I disappoint people, and I know how it feels to be disappointing, so I guess by looking from another angle, I try to spare others from feeling they have disappointed.

I have been so grateful for the offerings of love and gathering of friends to jump to my aid, if only to be listeners and pray for me. It helps more than you know. From the person who shows up on my doorstep just to hug me, to the neighbor who drives past my house, puts her car in reverse and backs down the street to chat with me, to the friend from work who offers good listening and lunch, to the long lost daughter who sends a token reminder that I am loved and needed. Thank you. THANK YOU.  I don't expect these gestures. I am grateful for them. I know God sends these people to me to help me keep noticing the good. And I do. Life is full of people who can't find it no matter how hard they try-and I am going to be someone who is able to point it out. I want to live well, and help everyone live our best. To experience love. And love DOES save. It is saving me. It's the only way. Wonder Woman is right. No more screaming for me. Ice cream is better. And I'm grateful.

Thank you sweet Jennifer. You were God's hands!

FAVORITE MOVIE!!!

(Not) DEFEATED (yet)

I have riled a few things up; ruffled some feathers, made some changes. I'm sorry. I had to. My reserves of strength are dwindling and I need to take some time to fill them back up.

Filling my bucket with Radar kisses

 

It's hard for me to admit I'm running out of steam. I have so much goodness in my life. WONDERFUL, AMAZING people who lift me, a benevolent Father in Heaven who is quite literally pouring help and miracles into my life. I beg for angels, and He is sending them. He is trying to guide and inspire me and everyone else around me in all that needs to be done. I'm so grateful for that. I take in and process as many of these good things as I can then look to Him for guidance on the next step. Have I done enough? Where can I do better? Where have I gone wrong? Am I listening to the right promptings, the right voices? My prayer is that I am learning how to do this better. I want to be a conduit for messages from Heaven and a deliverer of light and joy to the people around me. My flame is flickering. Just when I think it is going to be extinguished, oxygen is delivered in the form of kindness or understanding or love or a boost of faith. Sometimes it is barely enough, but I am grateful all the same. I know He is doing his part. I need to take the time to strengthen so I can do mine.

I need to make sure it is known that I do miss my dad. Every day. Sometimes I need him so desperately I cry to Heaven just to feel him for a moment. And I have been blessed to receive tender moments of feeling my dad with me. But his death did not break me. I know where he is. I know the good he is doing. I know he is watching over me and my family. I know he is pain free and safe and happy. I am happy for him. I miss him, but I'm not broken because he is gone. I'm not broken. I'm just tired. I need fuel. Life is wearing on  me. Finding my place in it is exhausting me. Figuring out how to make a difference is eluding me. Being good enough is evading me. Showing the people I love that they are important to me is proving to be a challenge. I always thought love was one of my gifts-that it is easily seen and felt from me. But I am finding I have much work to do. And I am determined to do so. I want to be the best me. The one who gives off the most light and comfort-the most love and acceptance-the most gratitude and humility. So bear with me while I search, and ponder, and pray, and beg Heaven to lead the way. I will get there. I promise.

Our little family in West Virginia about 1977

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. That's not what this is. I'm okay. I will be okay. I'm working toward being better than okay.  I want understanding that I need a minute. I need to breathe. I need to accumulate light. I just need some time to do it. I know everyone needs this. I'm taking my turn. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. So please love me while I continue to bolster my self to give it back to you tenfold. I'm committed to give it back. I'm searching for my sparkle.

I guess all I need to say is that I'm backing up a bit. I'm not giving up. I intend to do the things God sent me here to do. I'm dropping some social media for awhile. I am saying no to some of the things I can't do right now. I have always been a "yes" girl. I am taking my turn to say no for a bit. I am searching for ways to fill my bucket. I'm reading, I'm studying, I'm praying. I am trying to strengthen my family and show them by example that I know what the most important things in life are. I'm withdrawing my presence a little, but I am not withdrawing my love. It is ALWAYS here. For EVERYONE. ALL THE TIME. I love. I love you. I love my peeps. I love my friends. I love my kiddos at school. I love my family. I love my life. I just need to get it together so I can make a difference for good. I am still here. I always will be. I am stocking my emotional shelves and hoarding fuel so I can shine my lamp. Bear with me and love me and know you make a difference. Don't forget me.

I have been asked what people can do for me. The best thing you can do for me is love. Pay it forward to others. Be there for others while I can't. Shine your light. Be the good. Be the strength while I am weak. And then if you need something else to do, pray for me. Pray for me to find strength and be one to others. Pray for my family. Pray for goodness. And I will be grateful.

MOXIE

Moxie: noun force of character, determination, or nerve.

Yup, I got a blue streak to go with my blue streak.

Yeah, this has been missing in my life. I have been letting life run me over and I've had a hard time getting traction again. I need my moxie. I'm getting it back. Oh, it has been a process. Every time I get going on it, I falter and fall down, but I'm getting to the point that each time I get up, I do it with a little more strength and a lot more determination.

I have always said I have an ability to rally quickly-and believe me I still have it. But I have had to really work for it. I have had to reach into the furthest depths of my soul to scrounge for and cling to every bit of spunk and boldness and tenacity I can muster just to make it through a day. Mind you, I have gone through stuff- big stuff...through my whole life. Just like everyone! I've had to pull out the big guns before. I've had to bear burdens.  I've suffered loss and rejection. I've been through physical infirmities and life-altering diagnoses.  And I have always made it through...quite usually stronger and better, and hopefully smarter and more empathetic. But strength is harder for me to muster right now. I know, I know. People tell me I need to cut myself a little slack. But I want to be strong and share  strength with others. I realize I've been through alot...just in the last 8 months alone. I've been through a major gutting, the loss of my father, personal tragedies, changes in my job and the loss of a great boss, upheavals and adjustments, and the normal grievances that life throws at you. I know my body alone is trying to heal and rally after all it has been through. The rest of me is trying to catch up. That takes a lot of fortitude- and I've been exhausted clamoring for it. Maybe that's the trouble.

BUT-I believe in angels. I believe they are everywhere-all the time. Heavenly ones, earthly ones, some that we see, and some that we don't. Though I have felt weak for quite some time, I really have felt the strength of angels. So many of them from so many places. When I had my hysterectomy in the Fall, I had angels come out of the woodwork. Ones that attended me and sustained me, fed me and visited me, brought me books, prayed for me, and helped me cling to sanity while being in convalescence for 6 weeks. Then when my dad died shortly after that, angels appeared from his life and mine to lift and love my family through the grief. I felt forces from Heaven gather around me to lift me up and encourage me to keep going. There have been heavenly beings in my home, silently busying themselves in the work of bolstering me and my family, helping us to carry on. As problems and instances that drag me down present themselves in my life, there is always someone there to make it better. Whether from Heaven or from my own neighborhood, whether from my own home or family, whether from long lost daughters or friends from work, whether from my angel dad or Chad's angel brother, someone is always there to make sure I get up and keep going. So I guess I am realizing that maybe, just maybe if I stop expending all my energy on clamoring and fighting for peace and stability...I can just notice and accept the miracles of those things showing up. I can watch for angels instead of begging Heaven for them. God knows what I need and has never faltered in His love for me. I am so grateful for the love He has sent to me to strengthen me and keep me moving forward. Thanks to all the angels in my life-both from Heaven and the ones here on earth that I am blessed to know and love.  Thank you for the prayers, the texts, the call, notes, gifts, love and encouragement. I can do this, and I hope to pay it forward with my hope and light. You have saved me, you've helped me get my moxie back on track, and I am grateful.

A handful of the angels in my life-there

are so many more...





Alone #Daddy Issues

I have needed to blog for a long while now. Not just wanted to...needed to. There's so much swimming around in my head that it makes me dizzy. But I'm not good with words right now. I can't even speak properly. My sentences are garbled and confusing-pretty much like my texts. If you have ever texted with me you know I am terrible. But I'm going to pop if I don't process a little so here goes...

I'm a happy person. I love finding joy. I love experiencing life even when it scares me. I'm good at finding silver linings. I rally quickly. I forgive easily. I see the good. I love spreading kindness. I can experience all of these things to some degree every single day. But there are days when despair follows me around and nips at my heels. There are days I just want to go "home" and be with my dad. No, I don't want to die or anything. I just want some lasting peace. But I know my girls need me, and that keeps me hopping forward.

THE one and only Mike Summers

I miss my dad. That is certainly not all of the emotion I am contending with right now, but I miss him desperately. The day he died, my life kind of blew up. Not just because he died. That only added to the chaos-the kind of chaos that knocks you down and leaves you bleeding without a bandage. The kind every one experiences, but no less horrible because it is shared by others. When he died, it actually brought a peace to my soul that was much needed. He had been suffering valiantly for so long. He was in pain all the time and smiled through it all while my saint of a mother tended to his every need. It was precious to watch. But he was tired. He was ready. And though I miss him terribly I am so happy for him to be free of his earthly body that was falling apart. I feel joy that he is no longer in pain. I am happy for his release. But I also had no idea that on the very day I lost him my life would fall into a kind of turmoil I never saw coming.

I will spare you the details. Everyone deals with stuff. Every one I know is at their own personal boiling point. Even the little things seem big right now. Admittedly we make a lot of our own problems all by ourselves. But life seems just a little bit out of control, and I know I'm not the only one who feels it. And right now, I need my dad more than ever. I need his wit, his wisdom, his blunt ways of telling it like it is. I need his compassion, his perspective, his hands on my head in comfort. I miss him. I feel alone sometimes, even though I know his angel self is watching over me every minute. I'm a little desperate for his reassurances, and yearn for his perspective of eternity he must now have sure knowledge of. One of the things I fear most in this life is feeling alone. I cannot be alone in my empty, quiet house and feel peace. I have to have the tv or radio on to blast those feelings of desolation away. Loneliness plagues me right now, and I don't like it. But I don't feel terribly adept at being social either. So I'm a little stuck and frightened. But it passes. And it's okay.

If there is one thing I know without a doubt, it is that I have a wonderful Father in Heaven who loves me as much as Mike Summers. So I'm never quite alone. My prayer is that my Heavenly Father and Mike Summers are working in tandem to ease my fears and send the things of Heaven this way. I hope that their influence from above will be felt with immense depth in my home and my soul. I have endless faith, and it has never failed to get me through. SO I'm really not alone, but I'm really, really hoping that today, and during this special weekend of Father's Day, I can feel Mike Summers channeled through every thing I do. And I hope that I can feel God's love through Mike Summers and know it will all be okay. Because it will. And I am grateful. Happy Father's Day Dad(s)!

Blue Streak

It's time to address the elephant in the room. I did it at my daddy's funeral; I need to do it now. I have a blue streak. I 'm not talking about my language-I'm talking about my hair.

I always wanted a blue streak. I don't know if it's because someone had one in a super hero cartoon I watched when I was little, or because I can talk a blue streak. I just wanted one my whole life. Last Fall, I started experimenting with color in my hair to see how it would be received by the people in my life. I have to say I have been impressed with the acceptance of the changes people see in my hair. Most people have been amazing about it. I started first with a pastel pink streak-then a red streak-then burgundy-then purple. But all along I gave a heads-up that what I really wanted was a blue streak, and someday when I got the guts, it would be there.

Well, the guts arrived. During one of the last hospital visits towards the end of my dad's life, he told me he needed to see the blue streak before he died. He made me promise I would do it. The next day, the blue streak was in. It was scary. That dye is dark, and it gets everywhere in seconds. Rinsing it out makes it look like there was an alien murder in the bathroom. But I did it. I have never regretted it. I love it. It completes me. It's me. My favorite color is blue. Dad loved it..."it's so you,  Heather. I love it. It makes me happy." It made me feel good to make him happy. It made me happy to do that for him. I'm so grateful I took the jump. I'm so grateful he got to see it. The blue streak has changed my life.

The first thing the blue streak did was give me confidence. Taking that step showed me I am brave. It's hard for me to do things that will draw attention. But I'm so glad I did this. I feel brave. I am brave.

The blue streak brings me calm. I love blue. It's peaceful and calming and just speaks to my soul. The ocean, the sky...blue calls my name. So my blue hair grounds and centers me. It gives me peace.

The blue streak has shown me that there are people in this world who accept me no matter what. It shows me there is acceptance galore in this world. I am so very grateful for the love and support that has been shown to me and my blue streak! People that I would have never dreamed would like the blue come up to me and positively gush over it. Not that I am after gushing. It is just nice that people like it. My friends like it. My family loves it. My husband is crazy for it. My kindergarteners call me the "Reading Fairy" because I "come in and bring all kinds of wonderful books and games and even have blue hair!" So Reading Fairy is definitely a title I can live with.

The blue streak has made me feel pretty. I have a hard time with feeling pretty. I love the way the blue brings my eyes out. For the first time in my life, I actually liked my school picture!

And of course, my blue streak makes me think of my dad. He is always with me. He influences my thoughts and decisions, and makes me want to be a better person. I look in the mirror and remember all the goodness he brought to my life and the complete, absolute love and acceptance he gave to imperfect me. I look in the mirror, and I am grateful.

A little comfort at dad's graveside.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!

Family Matters

Mom. My favorite title aside from "wife". I LOVE being a mom. I understand that I am blessed to be one, and that I get a somewhat heightened experience in being one. I have given birth to beautiful daughters and have been extremely blessed in the literal sense to be a mother. But I have also been given the gift of loving and seeing potential in everyone. Because of this, I have been able to be "mom" to many, many more people than my own precious daughters. I am mom to around 600 students at my sweet little elementary school at any given time. I am mom to many young women who I have had the distinct privilege of serving and learning from in my church. I have been blessed to foster relationships with beautiful people much younger than myself who ask to call me mom because of the love we share. I relish being mom to all of them. And I gain important perspective because of it.

Me and my beautiful girls that I have given birth to.

Whether I am mom to someone through bloodlines or spirit, I recognize that in reality, we are ALL God's children. No matter who gives birth to each child, each one of us is on loan from God. Delivering and raising children is a privilege-a beautiful and exceptionally rewarding experience God gives to show us He loves us and trusts us to love each other and help each other through this life. Getting to raise God's children is icing on the cake of life. I love it. Every joy I find in motherhood is by the grace of God himself, and I am grateful for it.

I have a strong belief that God gave this earth mothers to give the love that he isn't physically here to give. He could have just placed us on the earth at will. But He gave us a way to get here and a way to grow and be nurtured. He gives us blessings to show He loves us constantly. I know there are hundreds of blessings that occur daily for our benefit that we don't ever see or know about, but He gives them to us because He is our Father and He loves us. Mothers carry that love from Him to His children. Some women are not able to be physical mothers. Some mothers neglect their own children. Some children are orphaned. All of us here are able to give love to God's children and serve His purposes in giving respite, comfort, love, selflessness and encouragement to all who need it. I feel blessed to play a tiny part in this.

Another aspect of this is the joy I accrue in finding people to love and care for. I have been blessed with so many wonderful, gentle, happy, amazing spirits in my life that I wouldn't have otherwise known if it hadn't been for my aptitude in mothering. I am not the best mother, or the most perfect mother, but I know how to love and see goodness. I know how to encourage and empathize. I LOVE being  mom. I love being mom to my girls. They are my joys. I love being "school mom" to all the children at school. I love being mom in Young Womens. I love being mom to my friends' children. I love being mom to people who enter my life and touch my heart, opening doors to Heaven when they ask me if they can please call me mom. I love you. I love being mom. Thank you for being a part of my life. I treasure this title. And I am grateful.