Alone #Daddy Issues

I have needed to blog for a long while now. Not just wanted to...needed to. There's so much swimming around in my head that it makes me dizzy. But I'm not good with words right now. I can't even speak properly. My sentences are garbled and confusing-pretty much like my texts. If you have ever texted with me you know I am terrible. But I'm going to pop if I don't process a little so here goes...

I'm a happy person. I love finding joy. I love experiencing life even when it scares me. I'm good at finding silver linings. I rally quickly. I forgive easily. I see the good. I love spreading kindness. I can experience all of these things to some degree every single day. But there are days when despair follows me around and nips at my heels. There are days I just want to go "home" and be with my dad. No, I don't want to die or anything. I just want some lasting peace. But I know my girls need me, and that keeps me hopping forward.

THE one and only Mike Summers

I miss my dad. That is certainly not all of the emotion I am contending with right now, but I miss him desperately. The day he died, my life kind of blew up. Not just because he died. That only added to the chaos-the kind of chaos that knocks you down and leaves you bleeding without a bandage. The kind every one experiences, but no less horrible because it is shared by others. When he died, it actually brought a peace to my soul that was much needed. He had been suffering valiantly for so long. He was in pain all the time and smiled through it all while my saint of a mother tended to his every need. It was precious to watch. But he was tired. He was ready. And though I miss him terribly I am so happy for him to be free of his earthly body that was falling apart. I feel joy that he is no longer in pain. I am happy for his release. But I also had no idea that on the very day I lost him my life would fall into a kind of turmoil I never saw coming.

I will spare you the details. Everyone deals with stuff. Every one I know is at their own personal boiling point. Even the little things seem big right now. Admittedly we make a lot of our own problems all by ourselves. But life seems just a little bit out of control, and I know I'm not the only one who feels it. And right now, I need my dad more than ever. I need his wit, his wisdom, his blunt ways of telling it like it is. I need his compassion, his perspective, his hands on my head in comfort. I miss him. I feel alone sometimes, even though I know his angel self is watching over me every minute. I'm a little desperate for his reassurances, and yearn for his perspective of eternity he must now have sure knowledge of. One of the things I fear most in this life is feeling alone. I cannot be alone in my empty, quiet house and feel peace. I have to have the tv or radio on to blast those feelings of desolation away. Loneliness plagues me right now, and I don't like it. But I don't feel terribly adept at being social either. So I'm a little stuck and frightened. But it passes. And it's okay.

If there is one thing I know without a doubt, it is that I have a wonderful Father in Heaven who loves me as much as Mike Summers. So I'm never quite alone. My prayer is that my Heavenly Father and Mike Summers are working in tandem to ease my fears and send the things of Heaven this way. I hope that their influence from above will be felt with immense depth in my home and my soul. I have endless faith, and it has never failed to get me through. SO I'm really not alone, but I'm really, really hoping that today, and during this special weekend of Father's Day, I can feel Mike Summers channeled through every thing I do. And I hope that I can feel God's love through Mike Summers and know it will all be okay. Because it will. And I am grateful. Happy Father's Day Dad(s)!