(Not) DEFEATED (yet)

I have riled a few things up; ruffled some feathers, made some changes. I'm sorry. I had to. My reserves of strength are dwindling and I need to take some time to fill them back up.

Filling my bucket with Radar kisses

 

It's hard for me to admit I'm running out of steam. I have so much goodness in my life. WONDERFUL, AMAZING people who lift me, a benevolent Father in Heaven who is quite literally pouring help and miracles into my life. I beg for angels, and He is sending them. He is trying to guide and inspire me and everyone else around me in all that needs to be done. I'm so grateful for that. I take in and process as many of these good things as I can then look to Him for guidance on the next step. Have I done enough? Where can I do better? Where have I gone wrong? Am I listening to the right promptings, the right voices? My prayer is that I am learning how to do this better. I want to be a conduit for messages from Heaven and a deliverer of light and joy to the people around me. My flame is flickering. Just when I think it is going to be extinguished, oxygen is delivered in the form of kindness or understanding or love or a boost of faith. Sometimes it is barely enough, but I am grateful all the same. I know He is doing his part. I need to take the time to strengthen so I can do mine.

I need to make sure it is known that I do miss my dad. Every day. Sometimes I need him so desperately I cry to Heaven just to feel him for a moment. And I have been blessed to receive tender moments of feeling my dad with me. But his death did not break me. I know where he is. I know the good he is doing. I know he is watching over me and my family. I know he is pain free and safe and happy. I am happy for him. I miss him, but I'm not broken because he is gone. I'm not broken. I'm just tired. I need fuel. Life is wearing on  me. Finding my place in it is exhausting me. Figuring out how to make a difference is eluding me. Being good enough is evading me. Showing the people I love that they are important to me is proving to be a challenge. I always thought love was one of my gifts-that it is easily seen and felt from me. But I am finding I have much work to do. And I am determined to do so. I want to be the best me. The one who gives off the most light and comfort-the most love and acceptance-the most gratitude and humility. So bear with me while I search, and ponder, and pray, and beg Heaven to lead the way. I will get there. I promise.

Our little family in West Virginia about 1977

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. That's not what this is. I'm okay. I will be okay. I'm working toward being better than okay.  I want understanding that I need a minute. I need to breathe. I need to accumulate light. I just need some time to do it. I know everyone needs this. I'm taking my turn. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. So please love me while I continue to bolster my self to give it back to you tenfold. I'm committed to give it back. I'm searching for my sparkle.

I guess all I need to say is that I'm backing up a bit. I'm not giving up. I intend to do the things God sent me here to do. I'm dropping some social media for awhile. I am saying no to some of the things I can't do right now. I have always been a "yes" girl. I am taking my turn to say no for a bit. I am searching for ways to fill my bucket. I'm reading, I'm studying, I'm praying. I am trying to strengthen my family and show them by example that I know what the most important things in life are. I'm withdrawing my presence a little, but I am not withdrawing my love. It is ALWAYS here. For EVERYONE. ALL THE TIME. I love. I love you. I love my peeps. I love my friends. I love my kiddos at school. I love my family. I love my life. I just need to get it together so I can make a difference for good. I am still here. I always will be. I am stocking my emotional shelves and hoarding fuel so I can shine my lamp. Bear with me and love me and know you make a difference. Don't forget me.

I have been asked what people can do for me. The best thing you can do for me is love. Pay it forward to others. Be there for others while I can't. Shine your light. Be the good. Be the strength while I am weak. And then if you need something else to do, pray for me. Pray for me to find strength and be one to others. Pray for my family. Pray for goodness. And I will be grateful.