The ZONE

I work at an elementary school. I have not been physically working at my job site for 6 weeks. Other than the couple of times I had to do quick jobs there, gather material, or rescue food from our fridge that I had left there, I don't go into work. I do work from home, but it's not the same. I do not love video conferencing. At all. And not going to school? I honestly think it is making me dumb! Don't get me wrong. I am a person of average intelligence-a fast learner who is eager to receive new information. I can almost always pick up on anything (except new math) and I am not a stupid person. Though there were some areas I had to really work on, I got good grades and even excelled in certain areas of education. But I feel right now as though my brain is rotting away. I am grasping for every day words, I am never quite sure what the day even is and I am so confused at so many things. Stay in school kids! Being out of the game dumbs you down quicker than I thought possible! And I am, of course, speaking for myself. But I know many people who are developing that same fog I am.

Have you see the video on Instagram and Facebook of the woman citing all the rules for Coronavirus? It is hysterical! It is exactly how I feel. For every rule, there is an equal, opposite rule (or 3). The media makes it even harder to wade through. I honestly think they make up 80% of the problem  with their speculation alone. I can't make sense of the numbers. I can't make sense of the thousand ways we are handling this. I can't make sense of the drama and lashing out that has resulted from this monster named COVID that is relentlessly chasing me, but I can't seem to get even the slightest glimpse of it. All I think  I know of it comes from  fractured opinions and inconclusive, speculative reports. Oh, I believe there's a virus. I believe it spreads quickly. I believe some people are more susceptible to it. I believe measures had to be taken. But it has put me into the Twilight Zone and I don't know which end is up. My brain literally cannot grasp what has happened to our world because of this. I am dazed and confused.

And lonely.

I am a self-identified introvert who works every second of my life to be an extrovert. I LOVE PEOPLE! I get nervous in many situations but I push through because I love having people in my life and I don't want to lose them because of my moments of feeling shy. So I go gangbusters to put myself out there because my heart is outgoing and friendly and big and receptive and positive. I want that to be my life. I have worked hard to get here. And now I have had to retreat back into my shell because of that bully named Covid that is out there running our lives. I miss my job. I miss my kids. I miss my co-workers and counterparts. I miss my family and my fremlies. I miss going to church. In a building. With people. I miss talking to the cashier whose face I can see. I miss real stores, but also the days when paying for Amazon Prime actually meant I would have my order in two days. I miss hugs. I miss freedom. I miss travel. I miss life.

I KNOW I am blessed. Let's make no mistake about that. I am healthy, I have everything I need. Even toilet paper. Yes folks, I always buy it so I'm prepared. I have bought it all along. We have been without income before so I'm always ready. We had a good long way to go before I needed to buy it. And sadly, when I finally really did see we were running low, I couldn't buy it. For weeks. Even though I had prepared long before this craziness. But that's another story... I have things to do. I am not hungry or without basic needs, and I even have many things my heart desires. I am a simple person, and don't require much, and I have everything covered for now. I am so far beyond grateful. I have learned it can always be worse. I'm grateful it's not. I value every single blessing in my life-and I acknowledge every one of them-even the ones I can't see. I'm telling you, I loved my Mustang before, but I see it now-more than ever-as my ticket out. My get away car, if you will. When I jump in that thing in the dark of night with the windows down and the music cranked, I can FINALLY breathe! An I am overcome with gratitude for that pleasure I am able to enjoy. But I am starting to get worried.

My get away car

I'm not here to argue. I won't take sides or decide who is right or even let you think I have an inkling of the best course for things. All I know is am headed down coo-coo-cachoo alley at a pretty fast pace. I have adhered to rules. I have followed law enforcement and government guidelines. I have been respectful to others. I have stayed home. I have been patient. I'm protecting the people who need protection. I am staying away even though it breaks my heart. I want to do the right thing FOR THEM.

I'm getting antsy. It's not because I think I am being controlled (although that has crossed my mind.) It's not because I feel rebellious. It's not even because I am cooped up-all though I hate it. It is because I am terrified of not LIVING. Let me clarify that. I am alive, but I feel the longer we do this, the less we thrive. Being alive is drastically different from LIVING. I understand we are careful so when this is over, we can LIVE and -we hope- thrive. Will we have the funds to thrive? The means?  The sanity? The ability? The acceptance? The will?

Let me assure you, I will. One of my strengths is that I CAN rally, and do it quickly. I'm not saying it will be easy. There will be loss. Lots of it. There already is. The repercussions of this-especially the ones behind closed doors and cooped up minds-will manifest. And we will take care of them. Good things are coming from caring hearts and working hands, and I hope that will be remembered above all else. When it comes down to it, it is how we reacted to it that matters. I pray the good things shine like a beacon as we heal our homes, our economy, our infrastructure, our school systems, churches and government. I hope the sacrifices we made stand out with ferocity as we recondition our immune systems and resume our relationships in all the ways we are missing right now. I pray the good remains, that it is the focal point, and the proof that we did our best under horrendous circumstances. For that, surely, I will unquestionably, BE GRATEFUL.

Biggest Loser

No, I'm not trying to lose weight. Actually, scratch that. I'm always trying to lose that last 5 pounds...but that's not what this is about. It is a weight in my heart, though.

I kind of feel like Peter Quill in Guardians of the Galaxy...

Everyone I know is a loser. That is, we have all lost something...someone-and it hurts. I'm not just talking about death, though feel I am reaching my quota of losing people I love through that avenue.  I don't have a monopoly on loss-no one does. Loss comes in many different forms. In an earlier post (https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2020/03/) I mentioned we just lost a family member-a precious child. My heart has been heavy as I plod through that bit of grief. Well, four days ago I lost a cousin. It was not expected, and a shock to the family. Sometimes I feel like I can't get over one loss before the next one comes. Even though I know I don't have  pain to the same harrowing degree as their immediate families, my heart aches just the same. I believe that the death of loved ones is one of the biggest trials we experience as humans-and I believe we endure a lot as mortals. Things we didn't anticipate, things we don't know that we'll make it through, things we feel we don't deserve. But death-oh death-people we love being wrenched from our lives and having no say in the matter-is hard to take, even though every person knows that it is an unavoidable and inevitable event whether it is sooner or later. It's hard for the human mind to process. Loss knocks you over and leaves you reeling, off kilter and not even knowing how to handle the multitude of feelings that accompany the loss of a loved one. Guilt. Pain. Fear. Anger (though I rarely feel this particular emotion). Denial. Having the breath knocked right out of your body.  And that's the beginning. Then comes loneliness, memories, the what ifs, the unknown....all the extra feelings you never saw coming. It's been said there's a journey in all that; one of growth, pain, and opportunity if you let it be. I guess that's the trick.

Then there's just plain loss. Death isn't the only loss we deal with. There are losses of loved ones in many other ways. They abandon us, forsake us, move on, and move away. Some resent. Some cannot handle the relationship. Some just haven't gotten social skills necessary to sustain a relationship. People grow away from each other, and, sadly, people forget each other too. In very very rare and weak moments, there are a handful of people I beg God to let me forget...just because the pain involved it too great for my heart to handle. But most often I am left with the pain and the memories...and the lessons I learn as well.  I can't begrudge the lesson. And truly I can't forget the person, either.... because once you have become one with my heart, you own property there. And no one can take it, no matter how hard I get someone else to take over the lease. The contract is unbreakable. And in the end that's the way I want it. But losing anyone for any reason is hard.

Can you believe there is more? Loss of security. Loss of funds. Loss of purpose. Loss of reality. Loss of respect, or love, or admiration. Loss of home. Loss of motivation. The loss of not being able to end the school year with my 600 little kiddos because of a freaking virus. Things that absolutely break your heart. All of these things and more weigh on any mortal. Loss is a necessary evil-and it's not always evil. I get there are many purposes for loss. Lessons. Grace. Humility. Empathy. While loss can be soul-breaking, it can be soul-defining as well. Not a single human escapes without experiencing loss. So what are you going to do with it? Oh FEEL IT for sure. That's part of the human experience after all. Feeling is living. There's no better way to know you're alive. But then take your loss and ride it out. Mold it, shape it, use it, and do something worthwhile with it. Even if it's just telling someone else it's okay. We all want that right to own how we feel and we want those feelings as OURS-our very own-that no one feels exactly like us. And that's okay. No one can feel exactly what you're feeling. But everyone does know loss. And there really is strength in numbers. To know we are not alone is one humongous survival tool. Acceptance is another.

The fact of the matter is that while loss can come at the hands of others, though our own actions, or through the cycle of life itself...it all comes down to loss of control. That is what throws us off the deep end-sending us to the pit of despair. That's where I have learned that once I have felt what I need to feel, and thrown my fit of agony and defeat, in the end, OWNING IT is the only way to make it out the other side. I might be different and changed when I do, but by owning it, I give myself the means to move through. Not on, not over, but through.  I. WILL. COME. OUT. And I'll be grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud

Oh For Heck's Sake!😢

Okay. Yes. I'm a crier. I have always been one. I will always be one. A happy crier. A sad crier. A hurt crier. A "thank God I'm okay" crier. An "I love it when children sing" crier. An "I'm scared" crier.  An empathetic crier. Heavens-I cry for and with people I have never met. I cry with the people on TV.  I can be an ugly crier. I'm not ashamed. I freely admit it. It's who I am.

I have to bleach and then re-blue my hair every 6 months to keep it bright. 
The day I bleach I always cry. It makes me feel like I lost my dad all over again.

There have certainly been times in my life when I was made to feel embarrassed or inferior because I cry. I'm sure there are times when crying was not the best response to a situation, but it is automatic for me, and there is rarely any stopping it. I feel. Sometimes I wish I didn't. But as I have stated many times, I'd rather feel than not. I have discussed this with friends. I have some who cry like me, some who refuse to ever cry, and many who are anywhere in between the two.  Whatever your response is, it's okay with me. I know people who laugh when everyone else is crying-because that is their protective response. And that is okay. Some people are stoic..and I have had to be that way before. I am good at the behavior of being stoic, but not always at the response. I may be stoic, but the tears will come if necessary and many times before I even realize what is happening.  And it's okay. It is. What makes me bananas is when people apologize for crying. WHY???????? It's a natural response-a human biological trait that was given to each of us. Why in the world do we apologize for crying like it is a weakness?

To be fair, when we cry, it can look....messy. Facial contortion is probable. We don't like others to see us when we are not in our best forms. But when I see someone crying, it tells me they are truly, completely feeling  their emotions. And that is a beautiful thing. The act of being brave enough to show your vulnerabilities, insecurities, and care for a situation is deeply humbling to me. It makes me feel trusted that I can actually see  you feel. It gives me hope that I can feel in front of you-with no backlash or repercussions. What a wonderfully secure state of being that is. I admire those who can let go enough to actually be themselves and  show that there doesn't have to be a barrier between our reactions and emotions. Tears speak volumes and can portray so many things...needs, desires, love, care, grief, pain, happiness, fulfillment, despair, and hope. There is sincerity that comes with true tears that just can't be conveyed any other way. I'm not saying that if you don't cry, you're not sincere.  It's just  that seeing you embrace those feelings and let yourself cry makes sincerity easily readable for me. It actually gives me the signals I need to react myself, and help you, comfort you, cry with you, or even give you space. I am not very good at the space thing...I am a born comforter and I admit that is the first thing I will try to do-give comfort. But I am trying to learn how to give space!!

On another track, let's examine some health aspects of crying. Most experts agree that a good cry is good medicine. Why? It lets your emotions out so you can purge accumulation of pent up energy and then press on. It actually helps you calm yourself because your body lets down when you release emotion. It's a natural response and one that was built into our bodies as a way to purge and cleanse. It has also been found that while crying is a tool for self-soothing, it also releases oxytocin and endorphins. These are feel good chemicals that our bodies provide. Studies have shown that tears, especially tears from stress (grief, pain, empathy, frustration and hopelessness included), release toxins from the body. Tears re-moisten the eyes, clearing bacteria and dust particles from them as well. Good stuff, right?

"They say that tears are the words your heart can't express."

I'm not here to tell you whether you should cry or not. That's not my call or my judgment to make. That's why we are all individuals. We all handle things in the ways that best suit us, and there are copious ways we do this. What I am saying is that there is no shame in crying. It's natural. We were born doing it. It's a way to express deep things. It's healthy if done in the right doses. It shows trust. It portrays the human component in all of us. I think crying actually makes me stronger. With a good cry every now and then, I can hit reset and charge forward. I won't apologize for crying. If I have to blow my nose in front of you while crying, well...I may say I'm sorry for that. But please, never, EVER apologize for feeling. For sharing your feelings. For being real. For being human. You have the ability. Be grateful.