We are in the middle of a season of love. One of peace and charity, well-wishing and goodwill toward men. I have always reveled in this time of year...it brings me joy. It gives me hope. It makes me happy and restores my belief in goodness. This time of year makes me believe in love-as if I didn't already...but also that everyone is capable of giving it and receiving it. You can love-whether you've lost, been hurt, been unappreciated, been afraid-even if you're broken. You can be loved, even if you don't feel worthy, even if you're alone, even if you have lost, even when life is hard. And you're darn tootin you can love at Christmas. That's what it's all about. That's why some of us love to carry Christmas in our hearts everysingleday. Every season.
I remember the lonely and alone right now. I actually remember them all the time. Not just at Christmas. There's a lot of hard stuff in this world. For everyone. Love cures a lot of those hard things. I'm grateful for the reminders to be sensitive. But there are sensitive situations our whole entire lives, every single day. How amazing that we can think of others and be kind all the time, not just right now!
I know life hurts. People come and people go. Bad things happen. Hearts get broken. People are lonely. Trials come upon us. Loved ones die. People make decisions that aren't the ones we expect. Everyone has something they are dealing with. I get it. This time of year that is all about love and joy and togetherness can be a little lacking for someone who is dealing with matters of the heart. But EVERYONE deals with matters of the heart. Watching Guardians of the Galaxy put it in perspective for me when Rocket says, "Everybody's got dead people." At first I thought it was so harsh, but it's true. I think if we all remembered that EVERYONE has dead people (or trials or loss or loneliness etc.) that maybe we'd be a little bit kinder-and love a little bit better.
It's okay to be joyful ANY time of year. It's okay to give love and hope to others. ALWAYS. Even to people who are sad or lonely or not enjoying this time of year. There's a good chance that showing a little kindness and Christmas spirit might be the very thing that helps someone through. The little teeny acts of good will go a lot further than the moment. SO love. It is always okay to love. It's what we're here to learn. It's what we're here to do. I'm almost embarrassed how easily I love. It pours out of me-literally (I cry a lot) and figuratively. Oh, I get hurt too. I get grumpy at selfishness. I get stung at misunderstanding. I get tired of feeling used. I get frustrated when I feel my love isn't being returned. But at the end of it all I find myself loving anyway. I can close my heart right up and wrap duct tape around it, but somehow the love finds any unblocked crack and oozes out regardless. It finds a way over the wall. It seeps under the foundation and out where it is supposed to be-with all the imperfect people and all the unfair situations. So I love you da*mit! Receive my love because it's comin' at you anyway! That's just how it's going to be. Right now at Christmas, and all the year through.
All my demons have ganged up on me in the last few weeks. I have been healing from surgery, mostly house-bound with a lot of time on my hands and a mind that already overthinks EVERYTHING. I can't lift, bend, stretch (I miss you Pilates!!) clean, push a grocery cart, carry laundry down the stairs or vacuum (my therapy.) I have to watch others do the work I should be doing and stew in my own crazy brain. I miss my job-all my little kiddos and the phenomenal people I work with. I'm awaiting with eager trepidation all the little hugs I will receive when I return to work. Eager for the hugs, trepidatious because my midsection is still vulnerable. The days have gone by fast; I can't believe it's already December, but each hour is an eternity. I understand needing to heal-the days I try to do too much send me backwards, but I can't take much more. Though I know my convalescence is necessary, I feel trapped in my own life, and I'm drowning in anxiety.
This time of year is what I live for. It is what my entire year revolves around-feelings of peace, goodwill, happiness and joy. Christmas is in my heart always. Though my tree is up, and my house is decorated to the hilt, I feel like I am missing out a little this year. The whole experience of being out in the thrill of all things Christmas is a little lacking. A lot of my anxiety is the feeling that I am not living this season to its fullest. I'm not sharing love and good will- I'm taking it from others, which is all part of the cycle but I feel guilt just the same. So I am desperately searching out every bit of magic I can find.
It needs to be said that I have been treated beautifully. I have been visited and sent gifts. I have been brought food and books and movies. I have had wonderful conversations with people. I have had a wonderful team of health care specialists do exceptional work concerning my well being. My family has been patient and helpful. On the days that I am about to pop, someone steps in to ease my craziness with a drive to see Christmas lights, a walk in the cold, a quick trip to the store. I am beyond grateful for the love and care I have received.
I have to interject here that God has been so good to me. My surgery went better than I could have imagined, although my doctor ran into complications and extra work. My healing has been steady. I know that Heaven has a hand in that. When my body and soul are heavy with anxiety and fear, God has heard me and tried to gear my thought processes in different directions than the ones that are eating me alive. And I know this has been a big job for Him. I am truly, utterly amazed at His grace and love for me. I am so unworthy, and so very human. I revel at His patience with me.
While sitting here for weeks on end with my brain in over-drive is making me insane, I have had to face reconciliation with a lot of my demons. The demons that tell me I'm not good enough (especially while I feel worthless, sitting around all day), that I should have tried harder, that I'm not making the kind of difference that counts, that I should have said something different, that I should have made different choices. I am having to face those thoughts head on and decide what to do with them. I am trying to accept the fact that "what-ifs" are of no use whatsoever. The reconciliation has come through copious amounts of thought, reassurance from others, blessings from Heaven, and a lot of work on my part. Though I am still smack-dab in the middle of this process, I will say the silver lining in staying too still is that you have to work through things...there's really no other choice. I have been advised to search for opportunities to experience the joys I crave, even if they are not the ones that I am used to participating in at this time of year. I am assured that opportunities will be there, and I'm praying I can keep my head above anxious waters while finding joy and sharing it with others. And I will be grateful.
Weird title, right? But this is me. My life is in a bit of a tailspin right now. I have known I would end up in some version of this state someday, but the when, the why and the how of it kind of changed everything, leaving me unprepared and a little bit off-kilter.
16 days ago I had a full hysterectomy. This came after years of battling my family genetics, an ovarian cancer scare, endometriosis, and doctor visits too many to count. I will spare you the details, but honestly I thought I had a good 10-15 years before I had to bite this bullet. The hardest part to swallow was the "6 weeks down" part of this ordeal. (oh, and the staying in the hospital part). That is so scary to me!! 6 weeks! I can't sit still for an hour. I am one of those people that if I start getting restless, I start pumping my legs and my daughter has to tell me to stop because I am shaking the whole couch. I worked in our school office one year and having to stay at my desk for hours on end just about sent me over the edge. I had to use any excuse to run errands around the school that year. 6 weeks is an eternity! No lifting, no twisting or using core muscles, no CLEANING!! Cleaning is my therapy. Sitting on the couch while Chad vacuums my house consumes me with guilt and longing. At any rate, I was not prepared for this. I am not someone who enjoys having to lay down after getting dressed or fixing my hair. I am determined to do those things-every day, But I am exhausted.!! Even though I had a few weeks to pull myself together, I wasn't ready. It doesn't matter how many meals I put in the freezer, or how clean my house was, or how many errands I had checked off my list. I wasn't ready. My house is not ready for the holidays and you know how I am about Thanksgiving and Christmas. But guess what? It has been okay. Life has gone on. We are adjusting.
Ha ha!! As far as I know, the only embarrassing thing I did was try to drink my ice chips out of the spoon they gave me. "Heather, that is a straw, not a spoon, honey." Good thing I was intubated during surgery. Who knows what I might have said?
One of the things that has happened during this (and though I am not surprised, I am humbly taken aback) is that people have literally come out of the woodwork to help my family. I didn't tell many people about this. I didn't want people to worry. I did not ask for help. I felt so guilty just asking for 6 weeks off from work that I thought I would die of shame. But my boss was stoic and comforting and kind. The teachers that I work with were generous and encouraging, and even brought me dinner. People at church are taking over and teaching my little kiddos. My neighbors have dropped off meals and movies and books and treats and flowers. Our families have brought meals and checked on me everyday . My friends have called (sorry that my phone is for the most part turned off) and I have felt love beyond compare.
Another thing I have noticed more of in our house is humor. It is how we are getting through this. It is how we laugh at mom having to tiptoe crouched over to go up and down the stairs, and how we tease Chad about looking so good with a vacuum. It is how we tell Meghan that she is getting all the skills needed to be a mom by emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom and folding the laundry-all in the same day. We laugh at everything on tv, especially episodes of The Middle-a show about a family that tries, but never quite gets it all together-in essence-us!
So though I have truly been gutted in a very real sense, I am grateful. I've got a good life going on here. I am grateful for the people in it. And I am learning that the way to get through anything is by loving and laughing through it! As my friend Jay always says...LIFE-BRING IT!!!
We don't do sports at our house. Don't stop reading...Hear me out. SOMEBODY STILL WINS IN THIS. I realize that sports have their place in society, and I was a cross-country/track runner in high school, so I'm not bashing them. Heck, I even got a petition signed into place at my junior high so that I (and other girls) could play football! We just don't do them now. I think I saw one too many coaches yelling at small children or too many freezing kids out on soccer fields on Saturday mornings for me to even consider putting my girls in organized sports.
I agree that there are valuable things to be learned in sports-teamwork, losing graciously, physical exercise as a great outlet, that kind of thing. Sadly, many times all I see is the need to WIN, to conquer, to be better than everyone else. As someone who gets to spend time on the playground at an elementary school, I see the entire spectrum. It goes from the kid who just wants to have fun all the way up to the child who sees him/herself on television playing for the big names. Kids who want to share the ball they just got, and kids who are going to take that ball at any cost. Kids who want a turn to just kick the ball and kids who are going to be THE ONE who has the ball for the entire game, and everything in between. Sometimes the arguments that constantly break out over games on the playground get to me. I really do just want everyone to get along and have fun. I really do not EVER care who wins, because there is good in every person, good on every team. And I'm okay with people rooting for teams. I just am not a person that thinks that sports define who you are. When the kids ask me if I'm a BYU or Ute fan, I tell them I'm a BYUTE. It throws them off a little, but I tell them there's good on every team.
But back to the playground, sometimes my favorite view is of the sky-not the soccer field. Yesterday I watched a little brawl begin. Someone fell. I headed down the field to work things out and watched one of the little ones rolling around, clutching himself into a ball, looking like he had sustained the worst injury ever recorded at the school. Kids gathered around him. I picked up my pace and ran to kneel beside him- patting his back, asking what had happened and if he was alright. Then BOOM-he was up and running, grabbing the ball, screaming "I'll be fine!", and getting back in the game. At first I was bewildered and slightly bothered that I had been so worried and he was just fine. I was thinking to myself that these little kids watch these big athletes on TV-rolling around and looking like they are in the worst agony of their lives, then hop up and start playing the game like nothing ever happened.I wasn't sure how I felt about that. In elementary school it should still be about having fun and being part of the game. At any rate, I thought about this for a minute, and then the next "injury" occurred. Same scenario, different kid. He jumped up, said he was fine, and got back in the game. All of a sudden it hit me that what these kids needed was VALIDATION. "I fell down, can you give me a pat on the back and I'll be okay?" kind of validation. "I played the game" kind of validation. "I might not be the star, but I was there" kind of validation. The kind every human needs at some time or another. So, today-I saw things on the playground a little bit different. There are still going to be days that the bickering gets to me, and I will want to ban sports for that day, but today I tried to give a little more thought to what was really needed. And thanks. Thanks to my peeps who validate me. I hope I return the favor. I have a great team-and I'm grateful!
I love those moments of life that point out all the charming things that can come to a person, just by being alive. For all the poopy, sad, scary, unfair things that can happen in a life, there are a zillion things that can charm a person. Maybe I'm easily charmed, but I notice the simple things.
Life comes at you fast. No matter how prepared I think I am, there is always something that catches me off guard. While I like to enjoy moments and just let them happen, I also like to be ready for as much as I can. I make lists, I stock up, I have information on hand...and then something will come along to make me feel like I haven't prepared for anything. I have a few of those things right in front of me at this moment-some blow you out of the water, "wait-I wasn't ready for that", life-changing, body altering, emotion evoking, big deal things. And while I am gaining ground from all the reeling I have been doing, I have been blessed with an acute sense of "the little things". I notice them, they tug at my heart, and I am charmed.
Of course the number one thing that charms me is the love I receive from others-from my peeps that I treasure so much. Ones who will text me, or sub for me, or message me, or just be in my life- even on the outskirts. This includes my family peeps too. I love you. Thank you. You make life more than just bearable. You make it worth living.
Meeting up with my dear, beautiful friend Amy at a ward reunion.
Another thing that charms me is my job. I work with some amazing people who truly care about the future generations to come. Then there's the 600 little darling personalities I get to acquaint myself with every day. I love my job. I see fun things. I am charmed by the variety of things I get to experience at our little school.
*Miss Heather I'm feeling kinda sick. ~What kind of sick are you feeling? *Motion sick. ~Oh. Do you need to go to the office? *No. I'm just talking too much and it's making me motion sick.
You tell me-does this say 9:00 or POO?
Then there's the playground....
Solace...until the next boo-boo occurs!
Fall holds a lot of charm for me as well. The colors, the smells, sweater weather and cloudier skies, the hint of cold that is on it's way, the promise of fun things to come and warm holidays in the future. I just love it!
God makes some beautiful things in nature. The contrast is unreal!
And music.....dare I even get started on that one?
All in all, the charm is always there. It comes from the smallest of things, and I am so grateful to locate charm in an ever growing sea of not-so-nice things in our world.
If you know me personally, you know about my "Father Saga". If you don't know me, let me put it in a nutshell. For years now (but especially the last 3 years) my dad has made a habit of trying to die. Often. And not because he is wanting to, but his body fails on him repeatedly. My dad is in kidney failure and on dialysis. He is literally on "the brink of death" about every 6 weeks. He has pneumonia, or he is in congestive heart failure, or he has gone septic (definition: Sepsis occurs when chemicals released in the bloodstream to fight an infection trigger inflammation throughout the body. This can cause a cascade of changes that damage multiple organ systems, leading them to fail, sometimes even resulting in death.) There is always some variation on my dad's latest "death moves", but it gets old-for him, and everyone who loves him. This is the pattern: Dad is in the ER, then is moved into the ICU. His life is at stake. The word is spread, people start praying, and my dad makes truly biblical miraculous recoveries. He has cried wolf more than Peter! I am grateful beyond expression that my dad is still with us, especially after this last 2 week series of death threats, but the emotional roller coaster that this takes my family and me on is absolutely staggering.
Meg and I at McKay Dee Hospital after a sobering day with dad.
I do not like this place. Wonderful people. Lots of emotions.
My poor little dad after dialysis. He now
weighs less than me. He was freezing!
My dad gets more kind and humble with every episode. And he has always been those things anyway. He is so grateful to all the wonderful people who help to save and sustain his life. He is good at enduring. I wish he didn't have to. My mom runs around like a little pint-sized runway model, looking fresh as a daisy and spouting fountains of faith and kindness. As far as I'm concerned, she has earned her nursing degree!
Last spring after a round of the game "trying to die with dad".
I on the other hand go into anxiety mode for a bit. While this is an automatic reaction for me, I don't stay in anxiety mode for long. I rally quickly. I may be blue for a minute (or two, maybe a little more) but I gather myself quickly and move forward. It is almost funny when people ask me how my dad is doing. You just never know. He has outwitted the grim reaper so many times I feel like people think I just make this stuff up. I am able to talk with a smile no matter what is happening to my dad because. A)He makes me happy, B) I came equipped with no small amount of faith (probably not nearly as much as my mom, but enough to make it) and C) I have an Ace in the Hole. I HAVE MY PEEPS. My people are my Ace in the Hole. People who love me, who love my family, who rally around me in a multitude of ways. Through phone calls and texts, prayers and letters, lighting a candle at Mass, putting my family on prayer rolls, saying I love you, and just generally being a person in my life. Whether they are here physically or not, able to help directly or not, by just being in my life, you make a difference. I have had people offer to bring in meals, teach for me at church, tell me they will cover me at work, offer to drive my mom to different hospitals, and offer their homes and belongings. I have also had people message me and say "I'm thinking of you." or "Your parents meant so much to me when they were my Sunday School teachers". It all means the world. Every thought, every action. Thank you. Thank you for being part of me. I love you. I don't know what I would do without you. You change my life and make it better. I hope I repay you in any small way. I am grateful.
Me and my Meg and my blue streak. Thanks to my peeps for loving my streak along with me.
And PS-my dad highly approves the blue streak! He made me promise I'd say that!
Dinner last night with mom and dad. Yes, he rose again. Until next time, Grim Reaper!
I'm going for a new spin today....largely because I need it, but I figure with elections going on, everything is getting spun, so I might as well try it.
I started my Fall session of reading tests for my school district in this last week. It is a time of year that I love because the personal time I get to spend with so many children gives me hope for our future and feeds my spirit with good things. But it is exhausting. And I have had some major health issues this week. Ones that are getting figured out, but ones that have left me spent on every level. When I add the components of all the crazy and unique situations I am dealing with in my life, I am a little overwhelmed and emotionally charged. When I get to this point, I tend to start doubting myself, and I get upset that I cannot handle things as well as I want to. I have had to really limit myself physically the last couple of days and it has been very frustrating. I had huge plans with my extended family this weekend that I had to cancel because I need to take care for myself for a bit. So I have been just a little hard on myself because of what I view as a lack of strength on my part. I realize that this is something I need to work on...being okay with being human. I am feeling a little stronger today-because I have a wonderful family, a fabulous support group, a phenomenal doctor, and the help of Heaven working with me (and I have been taking a little better care of myself.) So I am gaining much needed perspective. For the record, walks late at night in the cooler air when the stars are out can give amazing perspective.
Some of the perspective I am gaining is that we humans are so, so hard on ourselves. WE ARE HUMANS. We have weaknesses. We will need help. We do need to slow down. We don't have to be perfect.
I am exceptionally good at picking out all of my weaknesses-especially when I am comparing myself to others (bad, bad habit-do NOT do this!!!!) or when I feel I am not as important in somebody's life as they are in mine (it's a seasons thing, people. Everyone is going through stuff. Just because they are not there exactly when we need them doesn't mean they don't care.)
As I have been finding all my flaws this week, I have realized how detrimental this is to me...as well as the people in my life. So in lieu of pointing out my weaknesses, I am going to focus on some of my strengths. This is not a list of things I want to show off. This is just a reminder that I am good at stuff-a lot of stuff. God gave me many gifts, and I am going to be grateful for them. Here goes....
-I am good at love. I do it fully. I give my all. I don't stop.
-I can find the good in EVERY person. Every time. If you know me in any way, I have found the good in you-many times over.
-I am a good listener.
-I am a good comforter.
-I can find the silver lining in any situation.
-I always give second chances. Or third, or fourth.....
-I rock at being a mom. I am NOT a perfect mom, but I am good at it. And I love it.
-I am an awesome cook. I can make almost anything taste good.
-I can clean anything better than 99% of the world. And I enjoy doing it.
-I can love the most unlovable of people, animals or things. I see the loveable things in them.
-I can find understanding in my heart for almost any situation. It may take time, but I will get there. Unless said situation involves just plain being mean. I will probably not be able to wrap my head around that.
-I clean up pretty dang good. I would rather be in sweatpants than any other article of clothing, but I can make them look good, and when I am not in sweatpants, I can fix myself up alright.
-I overcome my fears EVERY SINGLE DAY.
-I believe in magic. Of living, of loving, of things unexplained, of holidays, of experiences, and that EVERY being on earth has their own brand of magic to add to the mix.
-I rock at my job. I know what to do, how to do it, I can get along with anyone, I am good at teaching and loving children, and I understand why I am there.
-I learn from my experiences. I may have to have the lesson taught more times than I would like, but eventually I will learn what is being taught.
-I can usually see the bigger picture. Sometimes it takes a minute, but I can figure out what really matters in the long run.
-I feel Heaven and how close it is. I am able to rely on the feelings and promptings I get from there every day.
-I love life-even when it scares me. I realize how precious every moment is.
I did it. It is a done deal. I lived it. It was amazing. I want to go do it again. And I am so grateful!
We just got home from St. Maarten...from watching my 747 land on the tiny strip of runway on one of the most precious islands I have ever had the privilege to visit. Mind you, I have not gallivanted to many islands, but the island of St. Maarten is pretty special.
Having that jumbo jet zoom right over my head scared the pants off me.....and it was one of the most exhilarating things I have ever done. I wish our lives had Tivo for moments like that. I would re-live it a million times over!
When I was getting ready to take this trip, I explained to a friend of mine that watching a 747 land on Maho beach was a bucket list item of mine. My friend wanted to know why I would say it was on my bucket list when it was really a dream. My friend said, "GO because you have a dream and you're living it, not because you're dying and you have to get something done." I loved that! It began a whole new thought process for me. So I went, and I lived because I had a dream.
Ilets de la Baie de l’Embouchure-the island you can walk to.
In the jeep on the crazy roads. We counted 2 stop signs there. There are roundabouts galore and so many scooters that zip in and out of traffic. The island boys can ride wheelies for miles on them.
One of the elusive blue butterflies-they are hard to capture a photo of with their wings open
I wish I could describe in any way that would be fitting the beauty, majesty, glory, and friendliness of the island of St. Maarten and have it be understood. I wish I could have taken all the people that I love with me so that they could experience the surreal yet vivid and exquisite surroundings we were in. When I say God makes breathtaking wonders, it is a drastic understatement. I wish I could tell in minute detail all the wonders we digested during our stay. I wish I could expose everyone to the genuine kindness and pure joy of JUST BEING ALIVE that those islanders have. I wish I could make everyone in the world feel as welcome as they made us feel there. And I wish the world could feel the sense of serenity we had while we were in paradise. Island time is a real thing and this world could use a lot more of it.
Catching a butterfly with kindness and a little nectar
Divi-Little Bay
Downtown at night
Heather and Meghan love you
Shiny camel in the airport
Beautiful, exquisite people
I cannot convey the gratitude that I have for being able to go live these experiences. I know I am richly blessed to have been able to do this. I know it was a privilege and I do not take it lightly. I am grateful. For life, for beauty, for love, for dreams.
The old fort in Divi Little Bay
***(I'm not gonna lie. Getting home was awful-a nightmare that lasted over 26 hours. Horrible plane rides, missed flights, throwing up children on flights, mean attendants, delays, incidences that make it so you cannot taxi up to the gate....I had more panic attacks than I can describe. BUT-I have NEVER been so grateful to set foot in Utah, and I did LOVE flying over the ocean and seeing the crystal waters in the Atlantic.)
