Reconcile

All  my demons have ganged up on me in the last few weeks. I have been healing from surgery, mostly house-bound with a lot of time on my hands and a mind that already overthinks EVERYTHING. I can't lift, bend, stretch (I miss you Pilates!!) clean, push a grocery cart, carry laundry down the stairs or vacuum (my therapy.) I have to watch others do the work I should be doing and stew in my own crazy brain. I miss my job-all my little kiddos and the phenomenal people I work with. I'm awaiting with eager trepidation all the little hugs I will receive when I return to work. Eager for the hugs, trepidatious because my midsection is still vulnerable. The days have gone by fast; I can't believe it's already December, but each hour is an eternity. I understand needing to heal-the days I try to do too much send me backwards, but I can't take much more. Though I know my convalescence is necessary, I feel trapped in my own life, and I'm drowning in anxiety.

This time of year is what I live for. It is what my entire year revolves around-feelings of peace, goodwill, happiness and joy. Christmas is in my heart always. Though my tree is up, and my house is decorated to the hilt, I feel like I am missing out a little this year. The whole experience of being out in the thrill of all things Christmas is a little lacking. A lot of my anxiety is the feeling that I am not living this season to its fullest. I'm not sharing love and good will- I'm taking it from others, which is all part of the cycle but I feel guilt just the same. So I am desperately searching out every bit of magic I can find.

It needs to be said that I have been treated beautifully. I have been visited and sent gifts. I have been brought food and books and movies. I have had wonderful conversations with people. I have had a wonderful team of health care specialists do exceptional work concerning my well being. My family has been patient and helpful. On the days that I am about to pop, someone steps in to ease my craziness with a drive to see Christmas lights, a walk in the cold, a quick trip to the store. I am beyond grateful for the love and care I have received.

I have to interject here that God has been so good to me. My surgery went better than I could have imagined, although my doctor ran into complications and extra work. My healing has been steady. I know that  Heaven has a hand in that. When my body and soul are heavy with anxiety and fear, God has heard me and tried to gear my thought processes in different directions than the ones that are eating me alive. And I know this has been a big job for Him. I am truly, utterly amazed at His grace and love for me. I am so unworthy, and so very human. I revel at His patience with me.

While sitting here for weeks on end with my brain in over-drive is making me insane, I have had to face reconciliation with a lot of my demons. The demons that tell me I'm not good enough (especially while I feel worthless, sitting around all day), that I should have tried harder, that I'm not making the kind of difference that counts, that I should have said something different, that I should have made different choices. I am having to face those thoughts head on and decide what to do with them. I am trying to accept the fact that "what-ifs" are of no use whatsoever. The reconciliation has come through copious amounts of thought, reassurance from others, blessings from Heaven, and a lot of work on my part. Though I am still smack-dab in the middle of this process, I will say the silver lining in staying too still is that you have to work through things...there's really no other choice. I have been advised to search for opportunities to experience the joys I crave, even if they are not the ones that I am used to participating in at this time of year. I am assured that opportunities will be there, and I'm praying I can keep my head above anxious waters while finding joy and sharing it with others. And I will be grateful.

Me and my girls on Meghan's 18th Birthday