Gutted

Weird title, right? But this is me. My life is in a bit of a tailspin right now. I have known I would end up in some version of this state someday, but the when, the why and the how of it kind of changed everything, leaving me unprepared and a little bit off-kilter.

16 days ago I had a full hysterectomy. This came after years of battling my family genetics, an ovarian cancer scare, endometriosis,  and doctor visits too many to count. I will spare you the details, but honestly I thought I had a good 10-15 years before I had to bite this bullet. The hardest part to swallow was the "6 weeks down" part of this ordeal. (oh, and the staying in the hospital part). That is so scary to me!! 6 weeks! I can't sit still for an hour. I am one of those people that if I start getting restless, I start pumping my legs and my daughter has to tell me to stop because I am shaking the whole couch. I worked in our school office one year and having to stay at my desk for hours on end just about sent me over the edge. I had to use any excuse to run errands around the school that year. 6 weeks is an eternity! No lifting, no twisting or using core muscles, no CLEANING!! Cleaning is my therapy. Sitting on the couch while Chad vacuums my house consumes me with guilt and longing. At any rate, I was not prepared for this. I am not someone who enjoys having to lay down after getting dressed or fixing my hair. I am determined to do those things-every day, But I am exhausted.!! Even though I had a few weeks to pull myself together, I wasn't ready. It doesn't matter how many meals I put in the freezer, or how clean my house was, or how many errands I had checked off my list. I wasn't ready. My house is not ready for the holidays and you know how I am about Thanksgiving and Christmas. But guess what? It has been okay. Life has gone on. We are adjusting.

Ha ha!! As far as I know, the only embarrassing thing
I did  was try to drink my ice chips out of the spoon they gave me.
"Heather, that is a straw, not a spoon, honey." Good thing
I was intubated during surgery. Who knows what I might have said?

One of the things that has happened during this (and though I am not surprised, I am humbly taken aback) is that people have literally come out of the woodwork to help my family. I didn't tell many people about this. I didn't want people to worry. I did not ask for help. I felt so guilty just asking for 6 weeks off from work that I thought I would die of shame. But my boss was stoic and comforting and kind. The teachers that I work with were generous and encouraging, and even brought me dinner. People at church are taking over and teaching my little kiddos. My neighbors have dropped off meals and movies and books and treats and flowers. Our families have brought meals and checked on me everyday . My friends have called (sorry that my phone is for the most part turned off) and I have felt love beyond compare.

Another thing I have noticed more of in our house is humor. It is how we are getting through this. It is how we laugh at mom having to tiptoe crouched over to go up and down the stairs, and how we tease Chad about looking so good with a vacuum. It is how we tell Meghan that she is getting all the skills needed to be a mom by emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom and folding the laundry-all in the same day. We laugh at everything on tv, especially episodes of The Middle-a show about a family that tries, but never quite gets it all together-in essence-us!

So though I have truly been gutted in a very real sense, I am grateful. I've got a good life going on here. I am grateful for the people in it. And I am learning that the way to get through anything is by loving and laughing through it! As my friend Jay always says...LIFE-BRING IT!!!