Gut Punches

Why do humans remember dates? Anniversaries of events? Times of importance in our lives? Humans have a need to recall these reoccurring occasions and cling to the meanings behind them. Funny enough, it is one of my gifts, although I must say the last year I have been a little less reliable with all that has gone on in the world. But for most of my life, on any given day, I can wake up and know what that date means....someone's birthday, their anniversary, their "first" something.....I remember dates like nobody's business. There are so many dates filed away in my head I'm amazed there's room for anything else. Like what I went downstairs for. Or what I was going to get at the store. I remember dates that are obsolete to the life I am living, but they stay permanently fixed in my brain. There are so many times I am grateful for this memory splinter skill of mine. I am able to wish people happy birthdays and anniversaries, and do special things on these special days. There's a good chance if I have been told someone's birthday I will remember it forever. Or almost forever anyway. 

The down side of this skill is that I remember the less happy days that are part of the human experience as well. I know everyone has their own set of these. Days where they lost someone, there was a horrible event, or a day that changed lives in ways that cannot be taken back. The kicker is that I don't just remember my own. I remember all the ones I know in my circles of people (from the past up until just this minute) and I never know what to do with the information. Do I bring up the painful date and offer my love and compassion-as I pretty much know the other party will already be thinking of it, or do I stuff the date into the dark recesses of my brain so that I don't stir up pain for someone else? I don't know the answer to that, but I can tell you I try to listen to a still, small voice that usually tells me which way to handle the particular situation. I hope I get it right most of the time. 

Sometimes I'm not sure what to do about mine. Sure, I can try to stuff them away, but it rarely works. I am one of those people that always has way too many tabs open!!!

My brain is constantly in full tilt. Sometimes it is so full I pray to have things disappear from my mind for just a little while until I can recover from the angst I get from certain thoughts. By the same token, I never want to forget anything that makes me feel because A) Feeling makes you know you're alive and B) I need to care. So when I know one of those somber dates is looming, I try to prepare. I don't ever quite get there. They are still a punch to the gut every time-no matter how much time has passed. There's one on the horizon right now. 

Sarah Jane and me

Amy, Bethany, Me, Sarah Jane

Me with Sarah Jane who is holding Amy

The whole family

 Me, Sarah Jane and Amy on Easter

Sarah Jane. My sister. We lost her way too soon. The anniversary of her death is today, June 9. I never forget. I will never forget walking into my kitchen and seeing the look on my daughter's face as she talked on my phone. I instinctively knew my mom was on the other end of that call and that I had lost my sister. She wasn't sick, it was extremely unexpected, but in that moment I knew she was gone. The myriad of emotions raced through my mind and body, and I worried first about my mom (whose home Sarah Jane and her family were living in at the time) and Sarah Jane's husband and daughters. It was surreal and painful and just not right. Though I knew she was gone I could not believe she was gone. The last 3 years have been hard, and still, to this day, I find myself going to call her, or ask her something, or missing something she used to do. I can't get used to it. I do feel her around us at times and that is a comfort. But every day without her is hard. 

What I really try to do is find every good story-every good memory-every quality she has and think of those things on our sad anniversary of losing her. I think of the lives she touched and the friends she made and kept for life. I think of some of her good friends who have passed on as well and are there with her in heaven. I think of the students she had and helped in music, and the way she helped her husband through his schooling and placement into several organizations so he could  play beautiful music on the organ for them. I remember the way she loved to cook and that she passed her talents on to her girls. I remember her animated way of telling stories; she was fabulous with her gestures. Sarah Jane was also a talented writer who wrote beautiful things that could stir your soul. She wrote them as gifts, and if you have a poem of hers you are very blessed, because there are not very many I have seen. Sarah Jane loved to teach and she was good at it. She taught a Sunday School class in our church and many people have told me she was the best teacher they ever had in that capacity. She took on jobs that helped her learn to serve even better than she already did, and made many profound changes in the lives of the people she worked with. Sarah Jane worked in the food industry for quite some time. She was effective, efficient, and knew how to get things done. She had places running like clockwork. I wouldn't survive a day in that industry, but she made it look like a walk in the park. 

Sarah Jane was musically inclined and played the bassoon, the flute, the piccolo, the piano and even tried her hand at the trumpet. And she could sing, to boot! I don't have a musical bone in my body, although the way I sing at the top of my lungs as I'm flying down the road in my Blue Streak, you'd think I was fantasizing being on stage. 😂 Oh, I can carry a tune, it's just those off notes that come every now and then that throw me.  I have no control over when they hit-my voice just cheats on me and everyone in the vicinity pays! But Sarah Jane encouraged music in everyone. She gave so much to marching band and band camps. Such talent. Such joy in the process and production. It was her passion. 

Sarah Jane could organize like nobody's business. She could put an event together lickety split! All the details would be managed perfectly. When my dad died, she was right there with mom and the funeral director making sure every job was done and every need met. When she passed, we needed her to help plan her service! Although her husband, with his girls and my mom, did a BEAUTIFUL job in putting it together, taking inspiration and using it to make a memorable service that Sarah Jane, I'm sure, is proud of. 

The memories. Not all of them good, but we're a family, and one that is not perfect. I think it's pretty cool we're not perfect, though of course we all strive to get as close as we can. It's a work in progress. But the memories keep me going. Her laugh. Her animation. Trips. Camping. Concerts and football games. Parties and dates. Family dinners. Pinto beans. Costco cake. Brandon's concerts. The girls' competitions. Laughing, crying, confiding, praying, staying close after hardships. Christmas Eve with our Mexican feast, luminaries, sky lanterns, and Brandon's performance at midnight to bring in Christmas day with his stirring rendition of Silent Night that brings me to my knees. Her determination to forgive. Her testimony of Christ and what He did for us. Her knowledge that we will be together as a family in Heaven some day. Her love of family. Her love, period. What she gave to this world cannot be replaced, but it can be carried on. In remembering her, her contributions and talents, love and compassion, we can keep her close and make her memory live on. I don't like this date. It's a hard day. I wish it wasn't one I have to remember. But then again, I get to reflect on her, and love her from afar, though I have a feeling she is really not very far away at all. And I am grateful. 

Circles

Whenever my mind gets too busy and cluttered, I tell the people around me that my mind is going in circles. I always describe it with the Carly Simon song "You're so Vain" which  (I'm paraphrasing here) says  'I bet you think this song is about you, but it is about you, but you're vain, so you shouldn't think this song is about you, but it is'........ Yeah. Makes my brain scramble right up. I am there. Scrambled. Overwhelmed. Tired. Questioning so many things. 

We have been undergoing some training at my school. It has really been going on for a few years now, but Covid messed some of that up, and we are getting into the time where we need to implement this plan and give it traction. The meat of the program is very good. Lots of solid ideas. Things to get you excited. Things to touch your heart. Things that make you want to be better. Things that help you organize your time to be more effective. But there is so much to absorb. What started out as several things you can do to make life better turned into statements and quadrants and diagramed circles. I am in overload. To be fair, many of the things we took in are things we already know; they are just presented in different ways with different words. But there is so much information, we were given a workbook to go with it. At page 92 my brain was threatening to come to a screeching halt. I am excited and intimidated all at the same time. It has been worth the time to be certain, but I have pushed my brain to its limits in trying to incorporate this into my days. Honestly, much of it I already incorporate, just in different ways or words. But there are multiple steps to each part of it that get me a little strung out when it comes to integrating  those specific ways into my life. It is supposed to be a simple, fluid, lifelong set of habits that will help relationships, solve problems, help you be your best you, and weed out what are the most important things to focus your time on. It's very personal yet is supposed to be universal as well. Yup. Here come the circles in my brain. 

Last Friday we finished up the introductory training. It ended with a staggeringly emotional video that made me think of many people that I love. I came home tired, overwhelmed, and emotional. Not  great combo, especially considering the fact that it is all supposed to be inspirational and life-changing. And to an extent, it was. It is.  Being Heather, though, all of these things I learned can be doing to make my life and relationships better ate away at me, making me wonder if I had done it all wrong up until now. As soon as my bag hit the floor and I hugged my family hello, I began to condense my day into a 10 minute synopsis that would somehow make sense to my family. I was breathless and blustery, trying to convey everything to them. The weight became staggering and I started crying, It was just kind of a lot to process.  Chad asked me if I needed Xanax. 🤣 Truth be told, I took one. And in reality I was still  processing everything, so it was jumbled in my brain as well as in my speech. Realizing I had to settle down and let things start to fall into place in my brain, I started on my chores for the evening. But for the better part of the night, my brain was frantically trying to interpret and sort out all the information I had taken in. 

It came down to two things for me. First of all, have I done it all wrong up until now? If I had known all of these processes, could I be living a better life and helping people better than I thought I was? That, as you know, plagues me anyway. Have I done enough good? Have I handled things properly? Do people who know me, or are even influenced by be know my heart and understand my intentions of good? What if I had it all wrong? One of the very first things we learned is to listen and understand first. That we never have all the information. That we all take it in differently. That there is always more than one side. I really try. But am I effective? 

Second, even though I LOVE having an organized life and like to know exactly how to plan, I also love being spontaneous and being open to the inspiration of  the moment. I like to be open to promptings and sometimes those promptings take me in the completely opposite direction from which I started. What about that? Do I listen to those and leave the organization to the wind,  and if so, will I still be effective in all I do? I honestly, earnestly want to be the listener-to understand as much as humanly possible of the person(s) I am with. 

And we circle around once again. This is my brain. These were my frantic thoughts that went round and round my brain. When you are already tired, exercises like this just make you more weary. And I was wearing out quickly. Until I was still. Almost defeated. Then I felt in my heart, and heard in my head, "When you listen, it always turns out right." Yup. And it repeated. "When you listen, it always turns out right." 

I knew where it came from. Whomever you choose to believe in...God, the Universe, Buddha, your entity that is bigger than you...that's where it came from. That's who it was. And it's true. If I listen, whether it fits in my schedule or not, whether it is responded to or not, whether I see the outcome or not, if I listen, it always turns out right. I take comfort in that. Yes I want to listen to understand.  I want to be organized. I want to be effective. I want to make a difference. And I know how. I need to listen. As often as possible. As hard as I can. That's how I'll know it will always turn out right. It might take time. Yet I will be grateful. 

Shorty McShort Short

 Ready for the shortest blog ever?

Thank you. Thank you to all the people who love me. Loving is my favorite thing to do. I am good at it. I guess sometimes I am too good and I jump in without knowing all the parameters. I jump in without knowing what the response will be. But that is me-and I will keep doling out the love as long as I live. I don't love for credit, though it is amazing to receive it back. Some of the love that I really invest in, the kind that develops over years, feels really good to get back. I never ask for a return but golly it feels good to get it. Even though all I want is for you to feel love. Maybe even feel God's love through me. I get help. I get inspired. I get led to people. I am even allowed to be involved in miracles sometimes. And I love it. It flows freely. It stays.

That's not the point. My point is all of you, who by divine guidance, inspiration, a whim, a thought....give it back. Acknowledge that I love. See that I try. Give me encouragement. Tell me to KEEP BEING ME. I get "dinosaurs in the mud" and encouragement always at the exact moment I need it. Sometimes just when I am about to give up. I got one at 6:30 this morning! 💟 Thank you. Thank you to friends and family, friends who are family, acquaintances, neighbors, and even strangers. You keep me going. You help me know it is ALWAYS worth it to love, Even if I don't get it back. That part is inconsequential. Love is key. It will save the world.  YOU ARE HELPING ME IN THIS TASK. And I am ever so grateful. 

Warning: Danger Ahead

You know how they say you shouldn't shop when you're hungry? Well, I probably shouldn't blog when I'm emotional (or tired, either), but I am. 

Emotional, that is. And tired. And I'm blogging anyway. The good news is that I'm a bundle of all kinds of emotions right now so you'll get the whole gamut-the good, bad, happy, sad...the whole bit. 

The great part is that I feel good times are ahead. I feel like life has a chance of getting better and less exhausting and less emotionally taxing. I'm hoping this is the case. There's a lot to be ironed out in just my own corner of the world-let alone our country and the entire globe, for that matter. But in one weekend alone I have experienced joy, amazement, gratitude and miracles along with all the crummy things life hands out with unrelenting generosity. Though I enjoy roller coasters of the amusement sort, I don't relish the emotional ones. By the same token, I am so grateful for the good things that come with the bad things so the bad things can be softened. Even the crummy stuff is easier to handle if you get some hope thrown in the mix. 

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I apologise ahead of time for the naughty word!
I'm generally not a cursing person but sometimes it just fits. Please dont judge me! 🤣

Because I don't want to bore anyone, and because the details are mine, I will just get to the meat of the matter. It will be random, and unbiased-it's just the stuff rolling around in my head. No one is targeted (good or bad) and there is no expectation of response or assistance. I just appreciate the ability to purge my heart and soul in a forum I can navigate better than I do thinking on my feet. Thank you for your patience-the process is not sure -it's just a matter of getting it out. SO strap yourself in...the roller coaster is about to begin!

Above all, I am ever so entirely grateful for the people in my life. I have been blessed with such goodness surrounding me. I have wonderful good, amazing examples of kindness, patience, hope, and brilliant minds in everyone I know. I am in awe of who I am surrounded by in every part of my life. The friendships I have gained throughout my life-some of them even before this life-astound me. They make me humble and grateful. That being said, I KNOW I am not perfect, and I know relationships are not perfect. Some are easier to maintain, and some are harder to understand. If I have learned anything in this life, it's that it takes your WHOLE life to figure people out. Circumstances change often. There are hardly ever times where things stay the same. So relationships readjust on a continual basis. The love and care might not change, but the dynamics can sure make you wonder some days. 

                      BUT-I love you. 

For the record-if I love you-if I have ever loved you, that WILL NEVER CHANGE. No circumstance, situation or event will change the fact that I love you. Things may, however, change the way I perceive your love, your intentions, or if I can trust you. If you are part of my life, you have a piece of my heart. It is irrevocable. It is yours to keep. Please treat it well. I will work to always treat you well, and I have a fervent hope that you will shelter that little piece of my heart I have entrusted to your care-at the same time promising to take care of all the parts of you that I can. The whole you. I hope the tradeoff is worth it to you. It sure is to me. 

I am amazed at the resilience of the human body, mind and spirit. I have seen people make it through things they never dreamed they would encounter. I have watched people keep going when I felt I would have quit long ago. But then I have ridden some of life's scarier trains that  I know others would have jumped off of miles ago. We are amazing. Humans are incredible. I have watched lives turn around on the momentum of one thought that changed everything. Some of them are going from worrisome situations to something they know will be better for them in the long run, and some have looked at the situation in front of them and thrown everything out the window over a bad day. I'm not judging. I am aware. And I have the same hope for everyone-that we can make it through whatever we need to to get to the best US possible. 

Then there are the people who don't seem to have a choice at all. That scares me and even burns me. I have a hard time putting my real feelings out there because the backlash that occurs in this world over opinions just astounds me. But...one thing I will never back down on is being an advocate for the children-my own children, the ones in  my school, and those all around me. Because sometimes we don't listen to them and they don't have a chance to use their voices-and the adults are in charge. So in the kids' eyes, that is that- and no one cares. These kids have followed blindly while we shoved all our rules and mandates down their throats. They have had to just follow along and conform-even when they have been scared, and uncomfortable and have no idea whey their little lives changed on a dime and everything they knew was tossed aside for the adults' agenda. I am sure that sounds harsh, but I am with them every day. Watching them, helping them, comforting them. We are all so amazed at how well they "conform" and "adjust", and YES, it's a miracle. But they have not had a choice. The higher ups made it for them. And they have done what we asked. They are tired. They want their innocent lives back. They want to be kids. They ask me every day when it will be over. That's a hard one to answer. My fervent hope is soon. When you look at the children around you, YES!-absolutely marvel at how well they have done. But remember they did it for all of the higher ups and because they are good, obedient kids who were given no choice. Be grateful they are who they are. Think about THEM from here on out as we go forward. Continue to be amazed, and consider them when you make any decision that will affect them. Encourage those in places to make decisions to consider the children. That's all I ask. 

There's more. There's always more. 

*I am grateful for blue skies. I am tired of being trapped in my life and not being able to travel at will. I love time with my family. 

*I'm scared of the things that happen in my country and the finger pointing that is so out of control it's frightening. I'm grateful for the good souls that reach out and help and do the right thing under any and every circumstance. I'm scared of my freedoms being trampled on and losing the things that have made America the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave. I am grateful there are still patriots who will stand up for this great land; people who understand the concept of patriotism-brave men and women who realize the blessing it really is. 

*I can't breathe, but I'm grateful for modern medicine, a phenomenal doctor, a great boss and co-workers who are willing to step in and help me without batting an eye. I am EXTENSIVELY grateful to those who have shown concern for my health and understand the sacrifices I have made for others to feel safe and comfortable. Thank you for understanding I need to be healthy now. You'll never know what that means to me. To understand that I mean something is very humbling. I am so grateful for kind and generous hearts that work for my well being. 

*I miss people who don't seem to be as close me-because of distance or time, whether they are busy or have things they are dealing with, are restrained because of mandates and recommendations, or just need a change from Heather scenery. But I love them nonetheless because love never dies. It grows, and there's always room for more with plenty to go around. 

*I get frustrated when life feels heavy and I let it get to me, but I also realize I am human and I can't always hold the world up. Sometimes I need to share the burden and I'm grateful for the people that assist me in this. 

*Family is important, and many times family reaches far beyond anything that binds us together as blood. By the same token, sometimes blood is not enough to bring people together, so we make the family we need in those around us. It's all good and all rewarding. And painful. 

                                                                                                                    And needed. 

*I'm scared that time goes too fast and that we waste so many opportunities to connect and preserve relationships, but I know life is hard and we can't do it all. I love having the chance to do kind things for others and am so grateful for the kindnesses given to me. I see the clouds of doom and gloom in the world, but search every moment for light and silver linings and I will never give up. I understand cruelty is part of life, but I seek to erase it with kindness and show there is infinitely more kindness in the world than the alternative. I will always yearn for travel and adventure but I am content with my home. I fight anxiety and sadness, weariness and loneliness, but the important part is that I FIGHT. Kindness, hope, and love are my weapons. And I am grateful. 

This is War

I had the most fun and interesting and exhausting day the other day at work. As each round of shots is given in our school district,  the people receiving them are often ill the next day; thus leaving an entire school district short on substitutes. When this happens, we all step in to cover classrooms while still trying to perform all the other duties we are supposed to take care of every day. I was tired. I'm always tired. I think the world is tired. It was one of those mornings I would have called in sick if I didn't already have the feeling I would be needed that day. I dragged  myself out of bed, did my hour of yoga, and hauled my sorry rear to school. Upon getting there I could tell immediately that all areas of our school would be running short-staffed. I clocked in and made it out of the main office without being "caught" and headed to my office. I was wearing an outfit without any pockets to keep my phone in, and as I grabbed it out of my school bag, I could see the office of my school had been calling. Then I knew I was on the line, and that I needed to gather all my strength to go face the day. Now let's be clear-I LOVE MY JOB! I love the kids, I love the environment, I love the fulfillment, and I love the people. But I also have a set schedule each day in which I have to complete many various tasks all over the school. It is a hectic schedule without anything extra. We all joke that we need bathroom passes like we give to the kids-because there are days you can't find time to make it up the hallway to the restroom. You just push the thought of a break out of your mind and hope you get everything done in the amount of time you have been given. 

At any rate, I went to receive my instructions and get going on my day. I found out I was going to kindergarten! I love kindergarten, but I know it takes loads of energy to keep up with those kiddos, especially in a year where we are bending to mandates and experiencing one-to-one electronics in teaching. Luckily, a couple of my co-workers were already in there for groups and were monumental in me getting a good start. We tried to make sense of the schedule and how we could fit everything that we needed to cover along with making sure our kindergarteners were taken care of. Let me just say I work with some of the finest, most wonderful people on the planet. Everyone involved in making this day work was kind, accommodating and supportive. Understand that if I am covering something that is not one of my usual assignments, there is always another person or persons that will be affected. Someone always loses something. But because I have this incredible work village, we got it ironed out. And for the most part, I got to be in Kindergarten for the day. 

I am a person who is in no way perfect, but it really helps me to perform well if I know what is coming and I have a schedule or outline that I have been able to spend time figuring out. The teacher I subbed for is magnificent, and had a very detailed schedule for me. My only problem was trying to decipher it while taking care of 25 five year olds. Let's be fair, some of them are six year olds! But figuring out 4 pages of instruction while trying to keep that many kids safe and focused proved to be a little rough. I think I did most of what was needed. No one was bleeding or crying when they went home....

Actually we had a pretty good morning. We had fun, we got work done, everyone went home in one piece, and I got to experience those precious souls. I felt pretty good as I walked in the door from getting kids safely to their rides, and realized I had to sanitize the whole room and then go take care of my 3rd grade lunch and recess. I am not complaining. It makes a day go by fast when you're on the move like that, and I got to enjoy it, to boot. But I had to hustle. I got the room looking quite sparkly and headed to the lunchroom, happy to see my 3rd graders. All the while I was thinking to myself, "As soon as this is over, I get to go have round two in kindergarten. I hope I'm still standing when the day is over." Ha!

Yes, I am still recovering from my little death debacle in December. It is hard for me to accept that this will be an ongoing thing for me well after Covid is gone. Once that mandate has ended,  my lungs still have to recover for a good 6-12 months sans the mask. I have to nap daily, and I am not a sleeper. I am a GOER. I like to get stuff done. Rest is good, but I hate having to do it so often. I realized I had much more ahead of me than behind me,  so I prayed I would make it. 

Moving on..... the afternoon went well. My comrades in arms helped again, and by the time my kindergarteners were ready to come in from recess, I only had 30 more minutes to get through. 

Of course, I had 4 kids crying when they came in. It was time for math, but the whole class was up in arms, telling me who had done what, screaming and crying and pointing fingers. Hysteria ensued for just a minute. When the name calling began, being me, I called a cease-fire and settled them in for a serious little life lesson in kindness. We talked and the talk was good. We learned about opposing character traits. That we all have them. That just because someone has a bad moment, it doesn't mean they are bad. It means they had a moment of a less appealing trait arise, and that there also is an opposing trait in them that is good. Sometimes these traits are at war with each other, and we have to decide which one will win. Which one we want others to remember. There were some mighty grown up thoughts that came out of the mouths of the babes in that class. It humbled me. It gave me perspective and gratitude and faith in the future. I was blessed to be in with those precious souls that day. Math wasn't as long as the lesson plans called for, but we got a lot of important work done in kindergarten. And I am grateful. 

Die Another Day

I know it has been awhile. I honestly have not been able to gather the energy to focus my thoughts on... well...anything. My head is heavy. I am slow. I am behind. I don't do much but go to work. I have to save the mask wearing for work, so I don't get to go to church or shopping or anything because it takes too much out of me to wear it everywhere. I have become a homebody, and I feel like I am missing out on life, though conditions aren't letting many of us go live anyway. Not in the way we should be. But I do  realize I left everyone with kind of a cliffhanger with my last blog  https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2021/, so I am here to make amends. I have been called out, and I apologize it has taken me this long to write again. 

First things first. I am doing fine. I am not healthy,  but I am also not dead, or on the brink of death. I will say my family and I are all suffering from some PTSD. When my breath gets short and my chest feels tight I panic-not as much as I did the first month after my episode, but it still comes. I am still not above 70% of my lung capacity, but I am gaining a little bit of strength and my oxygen concentrator helps. It's the first thing I do when I wake up and the first thing I do when I come home from work; turn that puppy on and breathe that oxygen in. I don't love being tied to something like that when I am only 50 years old, although Chad did get me a 50 foot hose so I can go anywhere in the house and still be getting oxygen, and I am truly grateful for it. I huff and puff more than I want to, and it makes me nervous, but I am learning how to somewhat manage my waves of terror. Putting anything over my face makes me shake...literally...and I have to take Xanax before I put anything on on to go into work. My daughters get a look of alarm if they see I am struggling to breathe, and cling to me a little tighter. I cling to them a little tighter as well. And poor Chad, who literally held my life in his hands, and was responsible for bringing me back to it, well....he's a hero. He holds it in well but he watches me closely and I can see the terror come back to haunt him. We get daily reminders-and flashbacks. But daily doses of faith and gratitude as well. 

People have been good to me. I have had friends check on me regularly, co-workers and people in church who have been willing to take over some of my responsibilities when I have to rest, and bosses and supervisors who have been very understanding and accommodating. I hate feeling weak. We all do. I work very hard to make conscious efforts for my health and stay physically strong. This one caught me unawares. When something of this magnitude happens and your life flickers out for a moment, your first impulse isn't to run around telling everyone about it, but you tell the people who you know it will most immediately affect and the people who know something big went on at your house.  I have tried to put as much information out there as I thought was needed, but not run around telling everyone I have already had a death date. Yes, that is what my doctor said...."Do you realize you already have a death date? Hopefully your next one will be a long time from now." It's sobering, and humbling, but also wonderful that I can be able to say I made it through my first one. At any rate, I am understanding that more people were affected by learning of my experience than I thought. Friends. Neighbors. Clergy. Even some of my kiddos at school have heard from their parents or people in their neighborhoods or other adults, and they have been worried without me even knowing. I had a group of kids today that showed me just how distraught they were. It broke my heart and made me feel loved all at the same time. We had a big discussion about health and miracles and caring about people. Not a lot of reading was done, but a lot of learning and character growth was accomplished in that room-not only for those kids, but for me as well. There were a lot of feels in that room. It was an exercise of trust, respect, and care. We bonded. I'm grateful for it. I have always had an open heart, but that made it crack wide open. 

I realize that I frightened people. It was not by my own choosing, but it happened just the same. It scared me more than I can convey. It terrified me. It terrified my family. It showed me that God loves me and that I am strong in spite of all I have gone through. If you found out after the fact and it hurt you that you didn't know, I am sorry. I was literally in survival mode. If it scared you that you almost lost me, I am sorry, but I am here. I plan on staying as long as the Good Lord lets me. 

So, for now, I am taking each new day. Some days feel somewhat normal. Some days I can't get out of bed, or even catch my breath. Some days my heart acts up because my oxygen levels are low, and some days, my lungs are so happy because we have a green air day and I get to be outside for recess. Some days I get more done than others, and some days I'm lucky if all I do is make it through work. Most days I long for fresh ocean air on beautiful warm beaches, where I can soak up the moisture from the sea air and gulp in as much oxygen as my body can handle. But all days I am grateful. For life, for love, for friends. for miracles, for oxygen machines and doctors, and care. All days I am grateful for family, my job, my community, and my faith. All days, I count the miracles. All days I look UP....even when my body is dragging me down. All days I am grateful for ALL the things I CAN do. All days I love. All days I care. All days I want to be the good. All days I am grateful.

And as a post note, but not really, because it has touched all of us so deeply, THANK YOU. Thank you for making me feel worth your time and effort and love and offers. Thank you for calls and cards and food and texts. Thank you for checking on my family as well. Thank you for being the Lord's hands in helping to take care of my family and of me-for showing us the good. For being the Good. YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE. WE LOVE YOU.