Circles

Whenever my mind gets too busy and cluttered, I tell the people around me that my mind is going in circles. I always describe it with the Carly Simon song "You're so Vain" which  (I'm paraphrasing here) says  'I bet you think this song is about you, but it is about you, but you're vain, so you shouldn't think this song is about you, but it is'........ Yeah. Makes my brain scramble right up. I am there. Scrambled. Overwhelmed. Tired. Questioning so many things. 

We have been undergoing some training at my school. It has really been going on for a few years now, but Covid messed some of that up, and we are getting into the time where we need to implement this plan and give it traction. The meat of the program is very good. Lots of solid ideas. Things to get you excited. Things to touch your heart. Things that make you want to be better. Things that help you organize your time to be more effective. But there is so much to absorb. What started out as several things you can do to make life better turned into statements and quadrants and diagramed circles. I am in overload. To be fair, many of the things we took in are things we already know; they are just presented in different ways with different words. But there is so much information, we were given a workbook to go with it. At page 92 my brain was threatening to come to a screeching halt. I am excited and intimidated all at the same time. It has been worth the time to be certain, but I have pushed my brain to its limits in trying to incorporate this into my days. Honestly, much of it I already incorporate, just in different ways or words. But there are multiple steps to each part of it that get me a little strung out when it comes to integrating  those specific ways into my life. It is supposed to be a simple, fluid, lifelong set of habits that will help relationships, solve problems, help you be your best you, and weed out what are the most important things to focus your time on. It's very personal yet is supposed to be universal as well. Yup. Here come the circles in my brain. 

Last Friday we finished up the introductory training. It ended with a staggeringly emotional video that made me think of many people that I love. I came home tired, overwhelmed, and emotional. Not  great combo, especially considering the fact that it is all supposed to be inspirational and life-changing. And to an extent, it was. It is.  Being Heather, though, all of these things I learned can be doing to make my life and relationships better ate away at me, making me wonder if I had done it all wrong up until now. As soon as my bag hit the floor and I hugged my family hello, I began to condense my day into a 10 minute synopsis that would somehow make sense to my family. I was breathless and blustery, trying to convey everything to them. The weight became staggering and I started crying, It was just kind of a lot to process.  Chad asked me if I needed Xanax. 🤣 Truth be told, I took one. And in reality I was still  processing everything, so it was jumbled in my brain as well as in my speech. Realizing I had to settle down and let things start to fall into place in my brain, I started on my chores for the evening. But for the better part of the night, my brain was frantically trying to interpret and sort out all the information I had taken in. 

It came down to two things for me. First of all, have I done it all wrong up until now? If I had known all of these processes, could I be living a better life and helping people better than I thought I was? That, as you know, plagues me anyway. Have I done enough good? Have I handled things properly? Do people who know me, or are even influenced by be know my heart and understand my intentions of good? What if I had it all wrong? One of the very first things we learned is to listen and understand first. That we never have all the information. That we all take it in differently. That there is always more than one side. I really try. But am I effective? 

Second, even though I LOVE having an organized life and like to know exactly how to plan, I also love being spontaneous and being open to the inspiration of  the moment. I like to be open to promptings and sometimes those promptings take me in the completely opposite direction from which I started. What about that? Do I listen to those and leave the organization to the wind,  and if so, will I still be effective in all I do? I honestly, earnestly want to be the listener-to understand as much as humanly possible of the person(s) I am with. 

And we circle around once again. This is my brain. These were my frantic thoughts that went round and round my brain. When you are already tired, exercises like this just make you more weary. And I was wearing out quickly. Until I was still. Almost defeated. Then I felt in my heart, and heard in my head, "When you listen, it always turns out right." Yup. And it repeated. "When you listen, it always turns out right." 

I knew where it came from. Whomever you choose to believe in...God, the Universe, Buddha, your entity that is bigger than you...that's where it came from. That's who it was. And it's true. If I listen, whether it fits in my schedule or not, whether it is responded to or not, whether I see the outcome or not, if I listen, it always turns out right. I take comfort in that. Yes I want to listen to understand.  I want to be organized. I want to be effective. I want to make a difference. And I know how. I need to listen. As often as possible. As hard as I can. That's how I'll know it will always turn out right. It might take time. Yet I will be grateful.