Gut Punches

Why do humans remember dates? Anniversaries of events? Times of importance in our lives? Humans have a need to recall these reoccurring occasions and cling to the meanings behind them. Funny enough, it is one of my gifts, although I must say the last year I have been a little less reliable with all that has gone on in the world. But for most of my life, on any given day, I can wake up and know what that date means....someone's birthday, their anniversary, their "first" something.....I remember dates like nobody's business. There are so many dates filed away in my head I'm amazed there's room for anything else. Like what I went downstairs for. Or what I was going to get at the store. I remember dates that are obsolete to the life I am living, but they stay permanently fixed in my brain. There are so many times I am grateful for this memory splinter skill of mine. I am able to wish people happy birthdays and anniversaries, and do special things on these special days. There's a good chance if I have been told someone's birthday I will remember it forever. Or almost forever anyway. 

The down side of this skill is that I remember the less happy days that are part of the human experience as well. I know everyone has their own set of these. Days where they lost someone, there was a horrible event, or a day that changed lives in ways that cannot be taken back. The kicker is that I don't just remember my own. I remember all the ones I know in my circles of people (from the past up until just this minute) and I never know what to do with the information. Do I bring up the painful date and offer my love and compassion-as I pretty much know the other party will already be thinking of it, or do I stuff the date into the dark recesses of my brain so that I don't stir up pain for someone else? I don't know the answer to that, but I can tell you I try to listen to a still, small voice that usually tells me which way to handle the particular situation. I hope I get it right most of the time. 

Sometimes I'm not sure what to do about mine. Sure, I can try to stuff them away, but it rarely works. I am one of those people that always has way too many tabs open!!!

My brain is constantly in full tilt. Sometimes it is so full I pray to have things disappear from my mind for just a little while until I can recover from the angst I get from certain thoughts. By the same token, I never want to forget anything that makes me feel because A) Feeling makes you know you're alive and B) I need to care. So when I know one of those somber dates is looming, I try to prepare. I don't ever quite get there. They are still a punch to the gut every time-no matter how much time has passed. There's one on the horizon right now. 

Sarah Jane and me

Amy, Bethany, Me, Sarah Jane

Me with Sarah Jane who is holding Amy

The whole family

 Me, Sarah Jane and Amy on Easter

Sarah Jane. My sister. We lost her way too soon. The anniversary of her death is today, June 9. I never forget. I will never forget walking into my kitchen and seeing the look on my daughter's face as she talked on my phone. I instinctively knew my mom was on the other end of that call and that I had lost my sister. She wasn't sick, it was extremely unexpected, but in that moment I knew she was gone. The myriad of emotions raced through my mind and body, and I worried first about my mom (whose home Sarah Jane and her family were living in at the time) and Sarah Jane's husband and daughters. It was surreal and painful and just not right. Though I knew she was gone I could not believe she was gone. The last 3 years have been hard, and still, to this day, I find myself going to call her, or ask her something, or missing something she used to do. I can't get used to it. I do feel her around us at times and that is a comfort. But every day without her is hard. 

What I really try to do is find every good story-every good memory-every quality she has and think of those things on our sad anniversary of losing her. I think of the lives she touched and the friends she made and kept for life. I think of some of her good friends who have passed on as well and are there with her in heaven. I think of the students she had and helped in music, and the way she helped her husband through his schooling and placement into several organizations so he could  play beautiful music on the organ for them. I remember the way she loved to cook and that she passed her talents on to her girls. I remember her animated way of telling stories; she was fabulous with her gestures. Sarah Jane was also a talented writer who wrote beautiful things that could stir your soul. She wrote them as gifts, and if you have a poem of hers you are very blessed, because there are not very many I have seen. Sarah Jane loved to teach and she was good at it. She taught a Sunday School class in our church and many people have told me she was the best teacher they ever had in that capacity. She took on jobs that helped her learn to serve even better than she already did, and made many profound changes in the lives of the people she worked with. Sarah Jane worked in the food industry for quite some time. She was effective, efficient, and knew how to get things done. She had places running like clockwork. I wouldn't survive a day in that industry, but she made it look like a walk in the park. 

Sarah Jane was musically inclined and played the bassoon, the flute, the piccolo, the piano and even tried her hand at the trumpet. And she could sing, to boot! I don't have a musical bone in my body, although the way I sing at the top of my lungs as I'm flying down the road in my Blue Streak, you'd think I was fantasizing being on stage. 😂 Oh, I can carry a tune, it's just those off notes that come every now and then that throw me.  I have no control over when they hit-my voice just cheats on me and everyone in the vicinity pays! But Sarah Jane encouraged music in everyone. She gave so much to marching band and band camps. Such talent. Such joy in the process and production. It was her passion. 

Sarah Jane could organize like nobody's business. She could put an event together lickety split! All the details would be managed perfectly. When my dad died, she was right there with mom and the funeral director making sure every job was done and every need met. When she passed, we needed her to help plan her service! Although her husband, with his girls and my mom, did a BEAUTIFUL job in putting it together, taking inspiration and using it to make a memorable service that Sarah Jane, I'm sure, is proud of. 

The memories. Not all of them good, but we're a family, and one that is not perfect. I think it's pretty cool we're not perfect, though of course we all strive to get as close as we can. It's a work in progress. But the memories keep me going. Her laugh. Her animation. Trips. Camping. Concerts and football games. Parties and dates. Family dinners. Pinto beans. Costco cake. Brandon's concerts. The girls' competitions. Laughing, crying, confiding, praying, staying close after hardships. Christmas Eve with our Mexican feast, luminaries, sky lanterns, and Brandon's performance at midnight to bring in Christmas day with his stirring rendition of Silent Night that brings me to my knees. Her determination to forgive. Her testimony of Christ and what He did for us. Her knowledge that we will be together as a family in Heaven some day. Her love of family. Her love, period. What she gave to this world cannot be replaced, but it can be carried on. In remembering her, her contributions and talents, love and compassion, we can keep her close and make her memory live on. I don't like this date. It's a hard day. I wish it wasn't one I have to remember. But then again, I get to reflect on her, and love her from afar, though I have a feeling she is really not very far away at all. And I am grateful.