Guilt Trip

Hi. My name is Heather and I'm a guiltaholic. It's true. I excel at guilt. I'm the one who walks in a room, and if the vibe is off, I'm sure it's my fault-even if I have never met the people in the room. I'm the one who second-guesses my every word-just in case I hurt someone's feelings. I'm the one who gets sick if I find out someone else is sick and I didn't take in a meal. I'm the one who kissed the guy in high school that I really didn't like, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I feel guilty if YOU took something I  said in a way I didn't mean; I feel guilty of your interpretation. I feel guilty if I did your laundry and it is even folded and clean on your bed, but I haven't put it away yet. I feel guilty if the cashier gives me too much change-even though I always give it back. I feel guilty if I'm in your way on the sidewalk. I'm the one that even if I feel am right, I will defer to another viewpoint and not argue because I feel guilty and I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. If I didn't text you back. If I had to say no. If I wasn't there when you needed me. You get the picture. Yeah...guilt. I'm a pro.

Guiltoholic extraordinaire

I have decided I don't like guilt. It's not pretty. It's not helpful. It is a completely useless emotion. It's destructive. Guilt makes a person feel lousy about themselves. Guilt makes you feel crummy for something you can't change. As much as we humans try, we cannot change the past. Guilt makes you feel like you are missing the mark. It's depressing and prevents progress. It takes away hope. It cloaks you in self-doubt. It is worthless, and makes you feel worthless as well. Remorse, however, is different. Remorse makes you feel sorry for something you have done and helps you to resolve not to let it happen again. Remorse helps you change behavior, where guilt makes you feel like there's no way out. Remorse doesn't change the past, but it helps you look forward to changing the future. Remorse is learning from something, while guilt holds you back from the lesson. Remorse is the light at the end of the tunnel that makes you wake up and realize that change can be good, and it can make a difference in the rest of your life. Guilt consumes your life and makes it impossible to see a way to move forward. In short-guilt is bad, remorse can be good. That's the Gospel of Heather anyway. But then why would there be repentance or penance, consequences, and 12 step programs if there were no hope for redemption and peace? Guilt won't get you to peace, but a sorrowful spirit and a resolve to do better can get you a long way down the road to a calm and productive way of life. It might even help you feel better at the end of the day. Growth is not a bad thing. Oh, it can be painful for sure...but healing in the end.

Thanks JP for knowing my cloud junkie tendencies

Peace, healing, calm...

Just a little illustration for you. I have a darling girl in my life that I get to see almost every day. She's had a few curves thrown at her over the years, but has always been sweet  and amiable. This year kind of got to her and she started taking her frustrations out on her friends. Every day for weeks I had reports on the playground of bullying and little girl fights. Every day I would talk to this girl, and she would cry, and she would feel hopeless. She beat herself down and was filled with despair. And she's only 7! One day she was at her wits end. She dissolved into tears and threw her head in my lap, sobbing. She told me she had ruined her life and that she felt guilty for all the fights she had caused between all her little friends. I hugged her and asked her if she was sorry, then we talked about things she could do to fix her situation. I told her if she was sorry and wanted to make amends, feeling sorry would help her to move forward and that she didn't have to feel guilty anymore. We made a plan of apology and she worked over the next few days to be kind. It got to the point that whenever I walked into her classroom she ran to me and threw her arms around me and said, "Miss Heather, there were no fights today!" A little remorse is all it took to start the change. Later I received this sweet note from her.

My thank you note (she loves my choker necklace :)

She's still a little girl with a long life ahead of her, so she will feel guilt every now and then, but it was nice to see that using the right emotion can fix a whole lot of damage. It's something I need to remember myself.

So hope.....yes hope! That's what I'm selling here. You don't ever have to drown yourself in a pool of guilt.  If that's the knee-jerk action that you start your journey on,  then don't linger there long. Gather your remorse and put it to good use.  And then be grateful. 

Catch Phrase

There's a catch phrase I have heard in my workplace that addresses any items that are lingering and need to be taken care of. These are the "nuts and bolts". I see it as a little housekeeping...clearing things up and tidying the area, so to speak. So I'm going to address a few nuts and bolts so that when the inspiration comes to write something that can be inspiring, the path is clear for me to do so.

Item 1-The blue hair is staying. It has delighted me to have people coming up to me almost 18 months after putting my blue streak in my hair and say, "You dyed your hair blue." or "Your hair is blue again." or "Oh, you still have blue in your hair." It's true. I do still have it. I love it. My blue streak has been there for almost a year and a half. Granted, I have to touch it up every month so sometimes it is brighter than others, but it is always there. It is a part of me now. It is a confidence booster when I am feeling timid, it makes me happy, it reminds me of my dad, and it is my favorite color. My blue streak matches my blue car-and between my car and my hair, I feel a freedom that I can't describe from the problems and issues in life when I find occasion to escape. The speed and solidity of my car matched with the bravery it took to step out of my little box to put a blue streak in my hair gives me a bit of contentment in this crazy world. And that manual transmission...oh how I love that thing! So the blue hair is staying for the foreseeable future.

Item 2-First of all, thank you to all the people who have asked about how my hematoma is healing. It means alot to me that people want to know if I am okay. I have often felt alone and I have floundered for the past year or so...knowing people care means the world to me.  I have cute little kids at school who also check on me every day. Yes, it is still there. It still hurts. Murphy's  law dictates that it is the one place on my body that gets repeatedly (yet accidentally) hit or bumped or knocked. It is smaller. It isn't as dark. I am accepting the possibility that I may have it forever. That way, if it does go away it will be a nice surprise. But right now it is still a reminder of the lessons I have learned in the past year and the blessings I have received along with the lessons, so though it is a painful nuisance, I don't begrudge it. I am grateful.

Item 3-Things are getting better. I have learned great coping skills over that last 18 months. I have learned to listen. I have learned I need to try to improve everything I can about myself, and I realize that is a never ending process on this earth. I have learned that even though I am a kind person, I need to have compassion and see all sides of every situation, because I need the same done for me. I don't like to have to learn anything that causes trauma to my soul, but I will always be grateful when I can glean lessons and see silver linings in any trial. I am getting closer to the light. I realize there will always be storms, but I am grateful for the patience of others and that this whirlwind that hit my life seems to be subsiding. I am grateful for my family and for the friends that have stood by me and for the understanding that even though I have not been as present as I would like to be, I still love ALL my peeps-forever. You're a part of my heart and I'm grateful. I am still trying to mainstream myself back into life-I will get there. Just because I have been more absent does not mean I won't be back. I need my people. And that leads me to the last item....

Item 4-Thank you for keeping up with me through my blog. My blog has been a lifesaver. It has been my journal, my sounding board, my outlet, my connection to others. It cleanses my soul. I am so humbly gratified when people thank me for my thoughts, or identify with my feelings. I am grateful for requests to blog more, and for the love that flows from others who read and share my life with me. I am so very grateful. If you are touched by my thoughts and feelings, or you feel someone else would identify with them, please share. I am not on social media just yet, so you, my peeps, are the way I get the word out. I am amazed how far it gets, and I thank those who have shared my blog and supported me. I don't want recognition, but I feel if I can be a light to anyone, or help anyone feel not so alone, or make sure someone knows they are not the only one who experiences doubt and fear, then my blog is doing what it needs to be doing. It is wonderful to receive feedback that something I wrote helped someone else. I do not take credit for any of it-I really do rely on heavenly inspiration to know what to write, and when. But if you are inspired or touched, or comforted in any way, please share. It helps me to pay it forward for all the kindness and blessings I receive. And I will be grateful.

Rebel Yell

If you know me, you know I love LOVE. I'm full to the brim with it. I preach it, I hope I share it continually, I believe in it. Yet when it comes to Valentine's Day, I really don't love that day. You know the people who get all bent out of shape about Christmas and say it's a holiday that is commercially fueled? Well I think Valentines Day is the epitome of a commercial holiday. To take something like the concept of love-a quality and act that is supposed to direct humans in all we do, and make one special day for it-including flowers and candy and diamonds and teddy bears to show our love...that is commercialism at it's finest. I am one who believes we should show love to everyone ALL the time. I am not saying I am perfect in doing this. I could improve just like everyone else. But one day of showing love is not enough. Especially when you are trying to buy someone's love. I love to give gifts as much as the next person. But love needs to be an act that is carried out every single day of our lives. Thus, my rebel yell. If there is going to be a holiday that is grumbled about-Valentines Day is the one to pick on.

Yes, I believe in love and hearts and mushy shows of emotion...
but for every day...not just one.

To be fair, if there is an occasion to show love, I think it should be done. So Valentine's Day is good for that reason. And I have to admit that working in an elementary school full of darling children makes me feel love every day. I had such sweet little moments at school on Wednesday as I received, cards and hugs and little treasures from the  kids I am blessed to interact with. And the love I received from my friends and family was tender and cherished as well. So I believe in any day that encourages love-I just think it needs to be a constant, and not one day that we show it. I realize I am taking the day very literal, but if love was taken this literal in every day of life, it would be a very different world.

I have had people ask me how I think it's possible to do this every day. As I said, I am not perfect. People bug me, they stress me out, they make me feel inferior. I get ignored and treated unfairly just like everyone else. I complain sometimes. But what saves me is the ability to find goodness in everyone whether they have wounded me or ignored me or mistreated me or just made me grouchy. I feel blessed to be able to do this, though it takes effort for me at times. But I practice-and that makes it easier no matter who the person is. Everyone needs to voice frustration now and then. But after this frustration presents itself, finding even one good thing in each person gives perspective and much needed balm to the soul. In the many times that monsterous self-doubt has reared it's ugly head at me, looking for the good in others has quite literally saved my life. And I am using that word properly. What I'm really saying is all you have to do to show love is look for compassion in yourself. Find the good. Do good, say good, be good. Compassion is a key ingredient in being happy in this world. It provides comfort, self-evaluation, a way to be actively searching for good, develops empathy, and brings the Light of Christ into your heart and into your being. It helps you overcome the natural man and prove to yourself the good there is inside you. Want to overcome your shortcomings and mistakes? Do good. Be good. Be Kind. Love.

There are grand acts that can be carried out to show love. My sister is on a 2 week service mission in Haiti as I write this. She is receiving all kinds of perspective and feeling gratitude as she carries out her work in serving others. I'm happy for her and proud of her. I feel an almost unbearable, painful need to go to my little island of St. Maarten and help them rebuild their slice of Heaven. I wish I had the means and opportunity to do so. But as that is not something I can do at this point, showing compassion to ALL I can is the difference I have to be content with. ALL people are suffering in some way and helping to relieve their burdens for even a minute is what compassion is about.

Valentine's Day is a good place to start. Let's keep it moving forward. Join me in my Rebel Yell against commercialized love one day of the year. Pay it forward. Show love. Appreciate the people in your life. See the good in everyone despite their mistakes and bad habits. You'd want them to do the same for you. Make amends where you need to. Check in with the people you've ghosted. Make a difference. BE KIND... EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And be grateful.

Vices

We all have them. Some are big, some are small, some are so overwhelming they seem unconquerable. But every person, no matter how it looks from the outside, has a vice...or two, or three. It's kind of the plan, so we have some way to want to improve while we are here in this crazy world. Some vices we are sent with-weaknesses that we can choose to overcome, or make them bigger with the choices we make. The choices we make every day can lead to great happiness, or great despair. My saving grace comes from the knowledge that there IS grace, and ALWAYS a way to get where we want to be.

Grace is provided-even to someone like me

I was thinking about this the other day after a heart to heart with someone I love very much who is trying to make changes in his life. He expressed excitement, yet trepidation for the walk ahead. He is worried that he has vices to conquer; hence the trepidation. I have great hope for him. Forces are at work for him-combining the powers of Heaven with angels on earth to help light his way and inspire all he does. I have cause to believe that my dad is walking beside this person-whispering in his ear and nudging others to place themselves in his path. Will it be some work? You betcha...it wouldn't yield such great rewards if the outcome wasn't worth it. And I know this man has everything he needs to quell his vices and prevail over the demons that chase after him. He has strength and goodness and a desire to be better. He has honor and humility, and though he would never want you to know it-a heart so big that it threatens to engulf him at times. He's a good man, and I believe in him. There's always hope. One day, one decision, one miracle at a time.

That is one of the many great things my dad taught me. He had his own vices as well. As I grew older and settled down into the life I have now, I felt such horror and remorse at the pain and worry I caused my parents with the poor judgment and decisions I made. Many times I expressed my heartfelt sorrow at inflicting my poor choices on them. My dad would always assure me that life is one big lesson, and that the things we do wrong can be turned into something good if we learn from them and use them to make better choices. He didn't expect me to be perfect, or to work on everything I had issues with all at once-he just wanted me to start somewhere and try to improve even a little as I learned. And really, that's exactly what God wants as well. For us to do just a little better today than we did yesterday, and be better tomorrow than we are today. That's how He does all things Himself. Line upon line. He roots for us. He cheers for us. He loves us. He constantly sends people and ways and tender mercies for us to keep moving along- a little at a time. So we can be better. So we can be free from the vices that plague us. And I'm grateful.

Scarred

My Meghan and I have a penchant for scars-which is kind of ironic since both of us bruise as well as scar quite easily. And even though our bodies betray us in bruising and scarring, our hearts are even worse. Loving leaves one much more open to scarring. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

 

There's something attractive that comes with a scar. Character is one word to describe it.

A perfect example of the beauty of a scar!

 



So, yes... we think scars are cool. There's a story behind each mark, and intrigue with each perceived flaw. There's a respect commanded by each scar, because scars prove that we have survived something. Sometimes something huge. There are so many things in life that seem insurmountable; that with guts and resolve, and no small help from Heaven, we DO survive, and have the marks to show for it. Those marks are reminders of strength and determination and hope. I have never loved the phrase "You (interject we, I, everyone) can do hard things ", though it's true.  We can. We do. Many times because there is no other choice. I know we can. I wish we didn't have to. But the scars left over from hard things are what contain the *magic* for me. The doing of hard things holds no personal excitement or anticipation, but the acknowledgement of knowing I survived something I didn't think I could is rewarding. And if it was a job I have done well, with my dignity and values intact, the scars of the event -whether physically apparent or hidden internally-are my badges of honor. They are my reminder of my strength and the help I receive from my Maker. They give me pause to reflect, to learn, to regroup, and count my blessings. We're tough, us humans. We do, because there's nothing else to do. So BRING IT!

A day I knew I needed stitches, but had no way to get help at the moment.
This was right on a vein and would not stop bleeding. With no one here to get me help,
I relied on the powers of Heaven to stop the flow and heal my arm until someone could get to me.
This picture is 3 weeks after the wound. This scar reminds me daily of how close Heaven is
and how ready God is to send miracles.

Rib cage trauma. Bad days get better.

At the hospital in October



3 months post-hematoma. I have about 3 more months of healing
to do. It's better, but a constant reminder of the important things in life.

It's a new year. The start of something fresh and full of possibilities.

 

I'm ready. In the past year, I have accumulated more scars than I expected to, but with each one I have learned life lessons. I have strengthened myself, and shown endurance, resolve and resilience I didn't know I could muster. I have been shown tender mercies, one after another, and counted each one-giving thanks to the one who affords them to me. I am proud of my scars. I don't want any more. But I'm determined to wear them with honor and even a little pride in knowing I'll survive, and do it well. And I'll be grateful.