My Own Drum

I have always been one to march to the beat of my own drum. I have enjoyed the freedom of not having to be "like everyone else". I'm not one to follow trends or feel like I need to have the latest, greatest whatever. I wore black  and paisley in high school and listened to everything from alternative 80's music to Christmas classics. When I watch home shows my brain rebels wildly when "stainless steel appliances", "neutral tones"  and "natural light" are the themes of every single episode. I guess I don't like it that some unseen person in some obscure location is telling me what I should and should not have in my home, when I feel it is my taste and comfort that should be experienced in my own personal space. Although I don't think I have ever set out to rebel against anything, I realize sometimes my actions have proven that I don't like to be caged in  by someone else's rules. Unless I know those rules to work for me and my well being. Then it becomes another matter entirely.

I have had friends through the years ask me why I am bound to the beliefs and teachings of my church. I have a simple answer. They work for me. They keep me focused. They keep me working on improving myself and making a life with good outcomes instead of hard consequences. I readily admit that I have failed at times to follow good advice and counsel. Those times have resulted in hard lessons learned and growth I did not want to have to experience. I would rather learn from others' mistakes than have to learn myself the hard way. But I am grateful I have learned. I have learned to consider the possible outcomes to my decisions and weigh the consequences that would come from said decisions. A show of personality or tenacity is necessary for the things we really believe in, but the act of rebelling for the sake of showing defiance is in most cases not worth the end result. "Because I can" doesn't seem like a good enough reason to throw good sense out the window.  My parents spent my entire life trying to instill common sense and good values into me. And yes, there were times when I barreled through life, wanting to show my independence, and learned quickly (and sometimes not so quickly) that those things my parents had been drilling into my head made a lot of sense.  They kept me safe, they gave me a clear head, they kept my body and mind clean. In reality, those pieces of advice and caution made me happy if I followed them.

Every person on earth has to learn. The process can be relatively easy if we let it be, but then it can also be some of the worst drudgery around. Humans have a tendency to go too far. Proving a point soon becomes the point of no return....or at least a hard return anyway. I guess what I am trying to process in my own mind with this onslaught of words is that  I think it is great to want to be your own person. It is amazing to go through the journey of self discovery and find that you don't have to be like everyone else to be happy. But in that process, I think it's important to hold on to the things that are grounding and sensible, and not throw them away for the sake of "being yourself". You can be yourself and still do the right thing. You can be unique and still choose good things. You can show independence and still agree with good, old fashioned common sense. So go find you, but do it carefully. Sometimes those boundaries we fight against can be the very things that save us.

Grateful that Chad sees the uniqueness in me, but also loves  me for the
good sense my parents instilled in me.

Zen and Now

I'm feeling pretty Zen right now-which is amazing because the last week has been an absolute whirlwind and I am so far behind I don't know if I will ever catch up! But all the ingredients that bring me to a peaceful state are in action right now, and I am so, so grateful for that.

I love it that every person has different things that give them peace. We have always teased my sweet mom Shary about her vacuuming. It gives her such a Zen feeling! I don't think there has ever been a time that I was at my mom's when she didn't have the vacuum out at least once during my visit.

But I admit I get where she is coming from. Cleaning is one of my Zen providers. I think it must be the fact that something always gets accomplished when you clean and almost 100% of the time you can see immediate results. You know I have too much on my mind if I am madly scrubbing away at something. But I always achieve clarity. And Chad calls me Junior Shary when he sees me with the vacuum. What a great compliment-on more than one level.

Another thing that brings me solace is my job. I love it. I accomplish great things through small acts all day long. Now don't misunderstand that I am promoting myself or trying to make myself bigger. I am a very average "Joe" that for the most part accomplishes very average things. And I am okay with that. But I LOVE the fact that I can make a child's day better every single day, multiple times, with multiple children, just by loving them. And I am good at loving. I'm grateful I am able to do just that every day. And I get it all back, with interest. Work is also a place I am able to be creative, and though my creative abilities are being taxed right now, I am still loving the challenge and satisfaction I am gaining by using that side of my brain.

The thing that brings me the most Zen right now is my family. I LOVE THEM! They are peace, my joy, my reason for living. Providing love and a stable environment in this crazy world is one of my sweetest pleasures. I am so blessed to be able to have married my Soul mate. We have fun and passion, and deep understanding. We laugh, we cry, we compare notes on everything from the latest joke to the deepest issues. We are madly in love. I still melt when Chad calls me  his girl. I am blessed to have been sent some of the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, understanding, old souls for my children. They delight me, and knowing I have been entrusted with them makes me happy. I am grateful I know God and that He has allowed me to be a wife and mother along with all the other titles I am privileged to carry.

FAMILY- MY OHANA

I know that peace can be fleeting, but that there are things that bring a lingering sense of tranquility when everything else seems to be wrong. I am grateful I can always have that underlying peace if I stop and remember what I truly have.

Because I'm Happy!!

I know, I know. Usually at this time of year I am feeling a little melancholy and wishing that time could slow down. Summer is winding down and I started work this week. But guess what? I'm happy!! I am actually ready for change. I am ready for work. I am ready for routine, and I am ready to be with people I have missed all summer.

Summer Travels

It's funny because this summer has not gone anything like I expected it to. I realize much of life is this way, but in the beginning of June I actually envisioned (don't laugh now) glorious days of almost 3 months being divided between relaxation, family time, lots of sunshine (I am exceedingly white this year) and a multitude of projects being ticked off my to do list. I know-I'm too optimistic sometimes. But life comes at you fast and I have a half finished guest room, a patio with only half of my summer furniture on it, my carpets mostly shampooed, a few activities crossed off, and a very white body in my shorts.

But I am happy. My chores will be there tomorrow, no one needs my guest room, we've still enjoyed time outside, I crossed some things off my bucket list, and I was born quite white (and will always be that way so tanning now wouldn't have changed much in the long run.) I cemented family bonds, saw family I haven't seen in years, celebrated my parents' 50th wedding  anniversary, reenacted my first date with Chad, and celebrated the lives of two amazing ladies. I still had fun. I definitely found joy.

Bucket List Item: The Drive in Movie! First Time Ever With the Family!!

Now I get to move forward. I'm kind of excited about it. Change makes me a little nervous. But as much as I worry about time passing too quickly and the craziness that a new school year brings, I also appreciate the way it gives a fresh start to things. New friends, new ideas, new skills, new experiences. It's like the new, coveted box of 120 crayons...it's scary to make that first mar on the crayon by setting it to paper, but as you imagine just what that box of crayons contains, the excitement takes the front seat and off you go to see what is next. That is the fun part. The promise of something more, and that it could possibly be even better than what you already know. I am excited, and I am grateful.

Acceptance Speech

These days I am constantly analyzing the world and everything happening in it. I take in all the information coming at me and try to make sense of it; and that in itself is hard because I do not trust so much of the information that is out there. I think almost every bit of information we intake is skewed in some manner. The media is so much hype anymore...and I think it gets humans hyped up on what someone thinks we need to get hyped up about. Problem is, I can't seem to figure out just who that someone is that decides what gets hyped. Where is our information really coming from?

One thing I do see is that we get hyper about causes. We make anything and everything a cause. The media throws out words like "victim" and "discrimination" so much that these words don't even hold meaning anymore. If everyone is a victim, then no one is a victim anymore, because everyone can't be one in the same situation. But bandwagons are fun to jump onto and the fear of being in the wrong camp plagues a lot of humans. So there are many who jump on for the ride of inclusion, and not so much because the cause is something they really believe in.

I have noticed that this phenomenon has made it much easier for people to justify almost anything they wish. And finding others who "accept" the behaviors and beliefs that we see as the cause of the moment seems to lend a bigger push towards things that we might not have originally agreed with before the cause became popular. Acceptance eggs on the justification process, when really the acceptance of others has nothing to do with the reason we should be doing something. In the end, we answer to ourselves and justification will not save us if we have chosen the wrong path. Acceptance from others does not make something right. Popular opinion does not change fact. Saying something is red when the color is really blue does not change the color.

Now I am not here to make judgments or pretend I know what is best, or even make analogies of any situation out there, but I think that it is really, really important to weigh the things that we have an inclination to stand behind, and make sure it is for the right reasons. Reasons that we can truly live with. It is also crucial to know the facts behind the cause, not the hype. This also takes soul searching. As a person with sometimes extreme amounts of empathy, I have to stop myself and understand what is real in a situation, and not what has been hyped and glorified. It's a full time job, but one I have to look to my conscience and value system to achieve.

In my heart, I know what is right, and my heart may know something different from yours. As always, I'm grateful for agency, and that everyone has that gift of choice. The rest is up to us.

Amendment

This will be short and sweet....I was quite happy with my last blog about the past being the past. I need to tell my self that very thing on a very regular basis so that I can continue to move forward.

Blessings from my past that continue to stay with me. I love you my family!

BUT...there are a few things I need to add.

-The things in my past that have caused pain have also been filled with great life lessons, lots of love, blessings, miracles, and amazing people. As I said, there is pain included in these scenarios, but the pain is something I try really hard not to focus on. I just wanted to acknowledge that pain is often a part of the past, that loss never really leaves, and that it is a normal part of life whether making mistakes or not.

-I do not, and I repeat, DO NOT blame anyone or any experience in my life for any mistakes that I made. I take ownership, and though some of my mistakes caused pain for the people that I love, these people were not the cause for anything that I did or experienced. I wish desperately that no one else had ever had to feel any kind of sting from my decisions, but I am ever so grateful for the people that have continued to love, support and encourage me during every part of my life. Thank you for helping me to know who I could become.

-I am grateful for the past. It has taught me so very much. I am grateful for the love that has stuck with me from the past. Joy can be had from things of the past. And remembering the past is okay. Living in it is not.

Amended.

The Past.....is just that

The past month has given me much to think about with the passing of loved ones and all the other happenings that crop up in a life.  I have waxed very philosophical in recent days.

Many things affect a life, the past being one of them. But there is only one way the past should affect a human life. The past is there to teach us. That's it. It should not haunt us or define us. The past is just that . Who we are, what we do, and what we make of ourselves begins now, and has nothing to do with what we did, but the information we have from what we did helps us to know what to do next.

This is a very simple concept, but for some reason there are many of us humans that cannot get beyond the fact that you can't change the past. There is no going back. Yet we repeatedly go over our scenarios and beat ourselves up over them. No amount of reliving them will ever change what they are. No amount of self-flagellation will turn them into something else.

Now I know this will come as a huge surprise to many, but I was once very immature and made dreadful mistakes and misjudgments. Okay, maybe I still get immature and mess up, but I like to think I have grown from my experiences. I quite like who I have become. I am a wife and mother, a friend and neighbor, a dental assistant and paraprofessional in education. I know how to work hard, I learn quickly, I am a good listener, and a great empathizer. I am responsible, I love to care for others and help where I can. I finally like myself, and it has taken a lot of work to get here. But bring up my past, and I feel like a guilt-ridden, insecure, ready to fail person that I thought I was as a teenager. I immediately retreat to who I was, not who I AM. The paradox in this is that I have always been a good, kind, caring person, but I made mistakes that forced me into decisions that were life-altering and painful. But ones that I cannot change, no matter how desperately I want to. It has been brutal to live with my past. Pain from loss never leaves a person. You never get over it. You learn how to live with it. And even when the sun peeks over the hills to brighten the situation, the pain is still a very present component. But oh have I learned. I have learned to love deeper, I have learned to be strong, I have learned how to give. I have learned who to depend on, and where true strength lies, and that I do have strength beyond what anyone else can see in me. I have learned that the things I have experienced may help someone else, and that is invaluable.

To coin a very overused phrase, I have learned that when it comes to the past, I have to let it go. My baggage doesn't need to weigh me down, but the fact that I traveled can build me up.

Because as of this minute, and then the next, and the next, I can decide who I am. And what happened just a minute ago is in the past. I am going to leave it there, and be grateful.

****Please read the next blog entry that goes with this piece- Amendment. http://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2015/07/amendment.html
I'm hoping it will tie in well to this one.****

Climb Every Mountain

Friday night I was able to attend a glorious concert at Temple Square that featured the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra and highlighted a special guest from Broadway, Laura Osnes. It was positively delightful. The choir and orchestra were perfection as always, and Laura sang with the voice of an angel. I enjoyed the environment and emotion of great music to the very depths of my soul. And my soul needed filling.

The Mike Summers Family at the Conference Center

In the past couple of weeks, both Chad and I have lost our beautiful, wonderful maternal grandmothers; the last living grandparent for each of us. It has to be said that both Vera Pinson (Chad's grandmother) and Sarah Keil (my grandmother) lived long, happy, productive, service filled, saturated with love existences. The legacy each of these women left behind is incredible, and the heritage of each of our families is rich in goodness, charity, integrity, and wisdom. The most incredible part of all this is that this didn't end within the confines of each family name. It continued through the joining, sharing, and growth of both families-through both sides and also intertwined with each other. This love and this legacy has continued to grow, and has the power to grow exponentially, as is God's plan. The love didn't end when these grandmothers died, but it will surely grow as their generations move forward and keep sharing that love.

My grandmother, Sarah with her husband Robert-
they are with each other once again!

Chad's grandmother, Vera

So while our families buried these precious women this week, and the goodbyes were not easy to say, we feel the never-ending and ever growing legacy of love that they left behind here, and are continuing in Heaven. We, their posterity have the honor of sharing and giving this love beyond the borders of last name or generation, as we intertwine families with many connections together as one. And it is our belief that we may all be together as one family in Heaven-each of us in our families made into one of God's big, eternal families. How cool.

My cute little family headed down to Salt Lake for the big night

And cooler still that in the middle of all this, the REASON I got to attend this concert was my wonderful family celebrating my parents' 50th Wedding Anniversary. That is a big, happy, inspiring deal!! Their union was the beginning of  generations of families that have included the Claytons,Winwards, Wilcoxs, Nivisons, Saunders and now Rippons. The love extends and continues to add and bring families even closer into one.

Our ever growing family celebrating at Bellas

As I sat and listened to the music of the night,  I pondered the lives of our grandmothers and how blessed I have been by them. Sarah and Vera's lives touched so far beyond what even we as their family can see. Laura and the choir sang Climb Every Mountain from the Sound of Music towards the end of the program and it really struck me that these women did just that. They climbed and they are now at the top of their highest mountains, ready  to step foot into the next big adventure beyond this life.  And I am grateful.