Impossible Choices

I have had this discussion with many friends, and know that many people have discussed this in other circles as well. It is a never ending conundrum and one that I don't know can ever be solved. There are many opinions...some because of personal experience, some because of well thought out reasoning, but it remains an elusive answer to give.  Which is harder? Sudden death or one you know is coming and can "prepare for"?

I have experienced both. My dad was not healthy for years. He spent the last two decades of his life scaring (as well as scarring) us with near death episodes on a regular basis. I can't tell you how many times we were told "this is it" only to have him rise from the dead again. I am grateful for the extra time I got with him because of this, but it wore on him and it made us wary and on edge to have this happen continually. When he left this world, it crushed me, but I knew he was tired and needed the rest that he had earned. We always knew it would come, and as his health deteriorated, and his episodes became more frequent, I was grateful he was able to shed his broken shell of a body for something better. No more pain. No more scares. Just peace. For him. We are broken although we are happy for him. I do have peace about where he is, but there is an unsettling feeling that doesn't leave once a parent is gone. I miss him terribly to this day and it has been 3 years since he died. I am always grateful when I feel him near or pick up the little signs he leaves around to tell me he is watching over me-or at least he is aware of what is happening down here.

Teaching youth-something he always, really loved.

A Dr Pepper after any procedure could always produce a smile.

Always ready for the next thing they were going to do to him. He was so grateful for all the people who helped him.
 Look at his cute little feet.

On the other hand, my sister, Sarah Jane (who was also not the healthiest of people but didn't give us repeated near death threats) left us so suddenly and unexpectedly that I am quite honestly still reeling. As the third death in 3 years in our family, it sent shock waves that we are still trying to overcome. We are healing, but boy has it taken time. The horror my nieces, my mother, and Sarah Jane's husband went through is unfathomable. And there is no understanding to be had about it. Only the fact that she is gone, and there is nothing we can do about it except continue on and hope she is watching over us and helping us however she can from the other side. 

Sisters

After my grandmother's burial.

Which is easier? I can't tell you. None of it is easy. Being prepared is no easier than having it creep up on you out of nowhere. The feelings afterward are different to a degree, but neither is better than the the other. You can prepare all you want but I don't think the sudden grief of knowing it has finally happened is avoidable. And obviously that feeling of loss and stupifying shock accompanies a sudden death every time. The only thing I know for sure is that we will all pass from this life. It's unavoidable and absolute. This makes my soul unsteady at times. The fear of the unknown fuels the uneasiness of what I will leave behind. The thought of living without someone I love sometimes cripples me. But I know death itself is a release from mortal problems and infirmities, and that there is certainly something beyond death, so that comforts me.....  After all of that, I hate loss as much as the next person. It breaks my heart and tortures my soul. It makes me cry myself to sleep and wake up with that engulfing feeling of despair that "something is wrong" before it hits me full force that I have lost someone I love.  It gives me days where my brain is dull and words are hard to find. It makes me feel foggy and heavy. No matter how I have lost someone, it hurts.

So why even pose the impossible question? Because I believe that though we never stop mourning, we do make it through, if only because we have to. Friends, family, angels on earth and from beyond this life are key in sludging through grief, but I have found there is a little  more that I'm gonna  cling to.  Now, I am going to sound naive and full of sunshiny bluster that some people will not want to hear, but I am laying it all on the line just the same.   First of all, when I lose someone I love, I refuse to mourn the things I did not do. I am not perfect.  "I should have seen them one last day, I should have been there, I should have made sure they know.... should have said one last word".....all that stuff.  You will ALWAYS want one more....of all of it. But I want to make sure if I never get a last one, all the ones I had were good ones-or as good as I could get. And then I want to live each day like I will lose everyone suddenly. Yup. Crazy, right? But I want to concentrate on today. Make the most of it. Give my best. Be my kindest. Forgive. Give chances. Laugh.Look for good. Forget the bad. Overlook mistakes. Understand that everyone is human. Laugh some more. NOT be offended. Make sure the people in my life have NO DOUBT THAT I LOVE THEM. No regrets. Just memories and trying to be a good person. And then laugh again. Pretty corny and full of rainbows and unicorns, right? But there's no other way. Will I be perfect? Absolutely not. Will it always go that way? I can't guarantee it. Most of the time we won't be right there when a life is lost. If we have made things good while we can, and spent quality time on our relationships, we will at least know we have done all we can. I know. In a dream world maybe-but I'm gonna try to make it my dream world. It won't be perfect but it might make me feel just a little bit better. And I will be grateful. 

#DinosaursInTheMud