Dark Matter

Dark Matter

I'm going to apologize right now.....this will be one of my darker posts. It was requested, and I have mulled it over for weeks so that I can convey this properly. I promise I will wrap it up happy, but I have got to sort a few things out in writing so I can hopefully move forward once I have addressed the turmoil in my heart, and the incessant shouting match in my brain. Bear with me and I will bring it back around. I think anyone that knows me very well knows I don't get very dark in the first place, but here goes.

Bringing it back around to good.

If you ask anyone  in my family what I worry most about (and I can assure you there are way too many things I worry about) they will tell you my innermost desire and thing I worry most about is if I am a good person. To everyone. All the time. Do I show warmth and compassion and understanding while also standing up for good things? Do I leave people better than I found them? Does my love make a difference and do my offerings have meaning? Am I someone that  can always be relied on to bring hope and joy to the world? Do I do the right things? I confess I obsess over this much more often than is necessary or even healthy for that matter. As a result I frequently run myself into the ground trying to love and help and many people as I can. I worry, I text, I call, and  I e-mail. I comfort, I ask, I step in, I worry, I send love and cards and money and gifts and good thoughts and pray. I make food, I run errands, I watch children, I give hugs, and worry some more...is it worth it to me? ABSOFREAKINLUTELY.!!! I don't always know if it's worth it to them.

As a lifetime "people pleaser" I have found that sometimes, the more you do for a person, the less it means. That sounds cynical, doesn't it? And I don't mean it in a condescending or unkind way. I have just realized that when only one person is doing a lot for you, you begin to yearn for more than just one person to love you. While it's nice to know that person still cares about you, you need it from more than one source. Hence, all the people that are placed in our lives. We need to know we are loved by many. And I get that. Sometimes I wish my love was enough to carry every person in a secure blanket of warmth and happiness, but it's finally getting through to me that life is not supposed to be that way. There are villages for a reason. One person can't carry the entire load anyway. But I wish I could. 

I have also realized that once it is expected that you will do good things, it may, after awhile,  be taken for granted. I'm pretty sure this is just human nature. We go along our merry way until tragedy strikes and reminds us that life is short and we all need each other. Humans need to be reminded constantly to take nothing for granted, because it might not be there the next time you want it. I feel this is why we receive reminders. Sometimes we just need to reset that button on our hearts to open back up, take in the love, appreciate that it has been given to us, and pay it forward. Let me make it clear that I will ALWAYS be here for anyone, anytime, in any way I can. I will continue to go out of my way, go the extra mile, take on your burdens and fight for you to the end of time. I'm not complaining. That is who I am and I will never change. I will always do as much as I am able no matter what is happening in my life. That's a promise. I just hope my offering is enough. I hope it's good. I hope it has meaning. I am one of those people who believes that good intentions do matter because they tell where your heart is, even if the rest of you has to be attending to the things in your life. Actions are wonderful, but they aren't always possible. So I love good intentions. I assume good.

I know a lot of people feel the same way I do. I have had many discussions with friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers in line at a grocery store. Sometimes it stings that nobody seems to care that you have extended yourself for them. It hurts. We want to know that what we do makes a difference. It can send me into a tailspin like that Carly Simon song I have talked about that makes my brain feel like a washer on spin cycle.

I will tell you again what my daughter told me, "Mom, even if you only make a difference for one second, you have still made a difference." Fabulous advice. I need to heed it more often. I also need to remember that not everything I do will be acknowledged or even appreciated, and in reality that's okay. I don't want to be spreading kindness for the acclaim. I want to spread it to change lives, share love, make a difference, and give light. Plus, I loathe myself when I get into a "I feel sorry for myself" or "I feel unappreciated" state of mind. I don't like to stay there long. I want to get right back out and turn the light on, even if the light isn't all the way there (like a sunlamp) it holds me over until I get make it to the real light (like sunlight) that feels so good. I have to interject here that I am someone who LOVES to do secret, incognito, anonymous,  kind little acts that no one ever knows was me. I get a delicious delight out of doing these things. Whenever I get hurt that my love has gone unnoticed or feel my deeds don't matter, I act as if it was one of these secret gestures I already know I love to do, and I console myself that way. Because I do feel that every single good deed counts. And it always comes back around to me somehow.

So why the sob story? Why even go there if I want to bring it back out into the sun? Because we all get feeling used and abused-and though I don't want to keep that mindset, it helps to know others understand and validate your feelings. And I do. I throw a lot of sunshine and rainbows out there and I think it's important to know I get feeling just like everyone else. I get sad. I feel depression. I feel left out and unwanted. All I try to do here is show that there is always a way to find something bright, to understand someone else, and to make sure you know you're not the only one. Ever. We are all in the same tribe. I love you, and I am grateful.


#DinosaursInTheMud