I'm going to apologize right now.....this will be one of my darker posts. It was requested, and I have mulled it over for weeks so that I can convey this properly. I promise I will wrap it up happy, but I have got to sort a few things out in writing so I can hopefully move forward once I have addressed the turmoil in my heart, and the incessant shouting match in my brain. Bear with me and I will bring it back around. I think anyone that knows me very well knows I don't get very dark in the first place, but here goes.
Bringing it back around to good.
If you ask anyone in my family what I worry most about (and I can assure you there are way too many things I worry about) they will tell you my innermost desire and thing I worry most about is if I am a good person. To everyone. All the time. Do I show warmth and compassion and understanding while also standing up for good things? Do I leave people better than I found them? Does my love make a difference and do my offerings have meaning? Am I someone that can always be relied on to bring hope and joy to the world? Do I do the right things? I confess I obsess over this much more often than is necessary or even healthy for that matter. As a result I frequently run myself into the ground trying to love and help and many people as I can. I worry, I text, I call, and I e-mail. I comfort, I ask, I step in, I worry, I send love and cards and money and gifts and good thoughts and pray. I make food, I run errands, I watch children, I give hugs, and worry some more...is it worth it to me? ABSOFREAKINLUTELY.!!! I don't always know if it's worth it to them.
As a lifetime "people pleaser" I have found that sometimes, the more you do for a person, the less it means. That sounds cynical, doesn't it? And I don't mean it in a condescending or unkind way. I have just realized that when only one person is doing a lot for you, you begin to yearn for more than just one person to love you. While it's nice to know that person still cares about you, you need it from more than one source. Hence, all the people that are placed in our lives. We need to know we are loved by many. And I get that. Sometimes I wish my love was enough to carry every person in a secure blanket of warmth and happiness, but it's finally getting through to me that life is not supposed to be that way. There are villages for a reason. One person can't carry the entire load anyway. But I wish I could.
I have also realized that once it is expected that you will do good things, it may, after awhile, be taken for granted. I'm pretty sure this is just human nature. We go along our merry way until tragedy strikes and reminds us that life is short and we all need each other. Humans need to be reminded constantly to take nothing for granted, because it might not be there the next time you want it. I feel this is why we receive reminders. Sometimes we just need to reset that button on our hearts to open back up, take in the love, appreciate that it has been given to us, and pay it forward. Let me make it clear that I will ALWAYS be here for anyone, anytime, in any way I can. I will continue to go out of my way, go the extra mile, take on your burdens and fight for you to the end of time. I'm not complaining. That is who I am and I will never change. I will always do as much as I am able no matter what is happening in my life. That's a promise. I just hope my offering is enough. I hope it's good. I hope it has meaning. I am one of those people who believes that good intentions do matter because they tell where your heart is, even if the rest of you has to be attending to the things in your life. Actions are wonderful, but they aren't always possible. So I love good intentions. I assume good.
I know a lot of people feel the same way I do. I have had many discussions with friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers in line at a grocery store. Sometimes it stings that nobody seems to care that you have extended yourself for them. It hurts. We want to know that what we do makes a difference. It can send me into a tailspin like that Carly Simon song I have talked about that makes my brain feel like a washer on spin cycle.
I will tell you again what my daughter told me, "Mom, even if you only make a difference for one second, you have still made a difference." Fabulous advice. I need to heed it more often. I also need to remember that not everything I do will be acknowledged or even appreciated, and in reality that's okay. I don't want to be spreading kindness for the acclaim. I want to spread it to change lives, share love, make a difference, and give light. Plus, I loathe myself when I get into a "I feel sorry for myself" or "I feel unappreciated" state of mind. I don't like to stay there long. I want to get right back out and turn the light on, even if the light isn't all the way there (like a sunlamp) it holds me over until I get make it to the real light (like sunlight) that feels so good. I have to interject here that I am someone who LOVES to do secret, incognito, anonymous, kind little acts that no one ever knows was me. I get a delicious delight out of doing these things. Whenever I get hurt that my love has gone unnoticed or feel my deeds don't matter, I act as if it was one of these secret gestures I already know I love to do, and I console myself that way. Because I do feel that every single good deed counts. And it always comes back around to me somehow.
So why the sob story? Why even go there if I want to bring it back out into the sun? Because we all get feeling used and abused-and though I don't want to keep that mindset, it helps to know others understand and validate your feelings. And I do. I throw a lot of sunshine and rainbows out there and I think it's important to know I get feeling just like everyone else. I get sad. I feel depression. I feel left out and unwanted. All I try to do here is show that there is always a way to find something bright, to understand someone else, and to make sure you know you're not the only one. Ever. We are all in the same tribe. I love you, and I am grateful.
I have had this discussion with many friends, and know that many people have discussed this in other circles as well. It is a never ending conundrum and one that I don't know can ever be solved. There are many opinions...some because of personal experience, some because of well thought out reasoning, but it remains an elusive answer to give. Which is harder? Sudden death or one you know is coming and can "prepare for"?
I have experienced both. My dad was not healthy for years. He spent the last two decades of his life scaring (as well as scarring) us with near death episodes on a regular basis. I can't tell you how many times we were told "this is it" only to have him rise from the dead again. I am grateful for the extra time I got with him because of this, but it wore on him and it made us wary and on edge to have this happen continually. When he left this world, it crushed me, but I knew he was tired and needed the rest that he had earned. We always knew it would come, and as his health deteriorated, and his episodes became more frequent, I was grateful he was able to shed his broken shell of a body for something better. No more pain. No more scares. Just peace. For him. We are broken although we are happy for him. I do have peace about where he is, but there is an unsettling feeling that doesn't leave once a parent is gone. I miss him terribly to this day and it has been 3 years since he died. I am always grateful when I feel him near or pick up the little signs he leaves around to tell me he is watching over me-or at least he is aware of what is happening down here.
Teaching youth-something he always, really loved.
A Dr Pepper after any procedure could always produce a smile.
Always ready for the next thing they were going to do to him. He was so grateful for all the people who helped him. Look at his cute little feet.
On the other hand, my sister, Sarah Jane (who was also not the healthiest of people but didn't give us repeated near death threats) left us so suddenly and unexpectedly that I am quite honestly still reeling. As the third death in 3 years in our family, it sent shock waves that we are still trying to overcome. We are healing, but boy has it taken time. The horror my nieces, my mother, and Sarah Jane's husband went through is unfathomable. And there is no understanding to be had about it. Only the fact that she is gone, and there is nothing we can do about it except continue on and hope she is watching over us and helping us however she can from the other side.
Sisters
After my grandmother's burial.
Which is easier? I can't tell you. None of it is easy. Being prepared is no easier than having it creep up on you out of nowhere. The feelings afterward are different to a degree, but neither is better than the the other. You can prepare all you want but I don't think the sudden grief of knowing it has finally happened is avoidable. And obviously that feeling of loss and stupifying shock accompanies a sudden death every time. The only thing I know for sure is that we will all pass from this life. It's unavoidable and absolute. This makes my soul unsteady at times. The fear of the unknown fuels the uneasiness of what I will leave behind. The thought of living without someone I love sometimes cripples me. But I know death itself is a release from mortal problems and infirmities, and that there is certainly something beyond death, so that comforts me..... After all of that, I hate loss as much as the next person. It breaks my heart and tortures my soul. It makes me cry myself to sleep and wake up with that engulfing feeling of despair that "something is wrong" before it hits me full force that I have lost someone I love. It gives me days where my brain is dull and words are hard to find. It makes me feel foggy and heavy. No matter how I have lost someone, it hurts.
So why even pose the impossible question? Because I believe that though we never stop mourning, we do make it through, if only because we have to. Friends, family, angels on earth and from beyond this life are key in sludging through grief, but I have found there is a little more that I'm gonna cling to. Now, I am going to sound naive and full of sunshiny bluster that some people will not want to hear, but I am laying it all on the line just the same. First of all, when I lose someone I love, I refuse to mourn the things I did not do. I am not perfect. "I should have seen them one last day, I should have been there, I should have made sure they know.... should have said one last word".....all that stuff. You will ALWAYS want onemore....of all of it. But I want to make sure if I never get a last one, all the ones I had were good ones-or as good as I could get. And then I want to live each day like I will lose everyone suddenly. Yup. Crazy, right? But I want to concentrate on today. Make the most of it. Give my best. Be my kindest. Forgive. Give chances. Laugh.Look for good. Forget the bad. Overlook mistakes. Understand that everyone is human. Laugh some more. NOT be offended. Make sure the people in my life have NO DOUBT THAT I LOVE THEM. No regrets. Just memories and trying to be a good person. And then laugh again. Pretty corny and full of rainbows and unicorns, right? But there's no other way. Will I be perfect? Absolutely not. Will it always go that way? I can't guarantee it. Most of the time we won't be right there when a life is lost. If we have made things good while we can, and spent quality time on our relationships, we will at least know we have done all we can. I know. In a dream world maybe-but I'm gonna try to make it my dream world. It won't be perfect but it might make me feel just a little bit better. And I will be grateful.
