Monster is a Relative Term

Oh how I have debated on doing this post. I have gone back and forth. It's not my story, but it has truly changed my life and I can't stop talking about it. So I will share it because the whole world should have it. I want to give credit where credit is due, so the people who this is about, if they ever read it, should know they are the game changers-the life~savers-the inspiration that keeps me moving forward even on those days when it seems all is lost. So I thank them. Because there are days when this story literally saves my life.

There is a dinosaur collection in my house We have them in windows, on dressers and the entertainment center, in the kitchen, and all over Meghan's room. Each one of us has one on the dash in our car. But for months Meghan and I have bought dozens of them...to give away. We ran out. We bought out entire inventories of stores that are close to us. And when we found a special on Amazon, we bought 150 of them. That's right. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DINOSAURS. We give them away like people give away candy on Halloween. We can't help it.

For a long time I didn't know why we collect them. When we go to the store, and my 19 year old daughter asks for dinosaurs, and I say "sure". What's a dollar or two? One day we were in the midst of a very deep, spiritual, emotional conversation, and Meghan said, "Mom, have I ever told you why I collect dinosaurs?" My stellar mom response was:"Ummmmm...because they are cool?" Meghan proceeded to take my heart to a whole new level. She made me sob because of the urgency in which I needed to hear this very, exact message at that exact moment.

The short version is that she has a friend who is shy and a somewhat anxious. This friend is a dinosaur NUT. She loves them, knows EVERYTHING about them, and is obsessed with them. This friend was having a bad day. She felt hopeless and lost and more than downtrodden. She was in a bad place both literally and figuratively. She was literally working in the mud, and her future seemed muddy as well. She was ready to give up. All of a sudden she saw something in the mud. She reached down and picked it up-and it was a toy dinosaur.  Just a little plastic dinosaur, but a dinosaur. In the mud. Her favorite thing.  Something she loved.  And then she felt loved. She felt watched over. She felt like the little details about her and her life were being noticed and cared about-and to her it was by a loving God who hadn't forgotten her. It changed her whole day. It changed something in her.

(So at this point in the story I am crying. I can't begin to describe how much  I needed that message!  Everyone needs to know they are cared about-especially by their God that they trust in-and yes I leave room for the people who believe in a "higher power" or the universe. The fact remains we need to feel loved by something bigger than ourselves and my soul was crying out for this love at this exact moment in my life.)

But there's more. After Meghan heard this experience about the dinosaur, she was having a conversation with the same group of peers in which the dinosaur story had been told. They were considering, with worry and trepidation,  the state of the world. How this world is scary. It's sad and lonely and full of people who are careless and selfish and bad. There are tragedies and disasters and time only seems to bring the state of the world into a much sorrier place than it used to be. We hear so much negativity everywhere we go. So, they discussed, how do we make it? How do we stay positive and strong and have faith and give light? How do we soldier on and not become part of the sadness and sorriness? The group was pensive and silent as this they deliberated these thoughts in their heads. Tough question. A little hard on the spirit. As Meghan took this in, and remembered the lesson that had formed in her heart upon hearing her friend's story, she said, "We look for the dinosaurs in the mud."  OH MY HEAVENS!!!! The little things. HOLY COW! The tender mercies. OH MY GOSH! The good. The joy. Good deeds. The hand of God. The knowledge that we are being watched over. That we are noticed. That we count, even in our little tiny corners of our world. We conquer because WE FIND THE DINOSAURS IN THE MUD. They are everywhere, big and small, every day, every situation. So many dinosaurs.

My little inspirer

This changed my life. I am a self-professed seeker of joy and goodness. I am a finder of the silver lining. But this touched my soul and became seared across my heart, embedding itself in my very being. This story is MY dinosaur in the mud. It's not just a little dinosaur, either.  It's a flippin T-REX!! A monster-but monster is a relative term-especially here. I can hardly keep from blurting it out to everyone I see. I have handed dinosaurs to strangers, co-workers, neighbors, Walmart cashiers, you name it. This story saved my soul. It made me weep with gratitude-for the message, for the love in which it was given, for my sweet daughter knowing I needed it, and for the friend who stepped out of her comfort zone to share it. I can't get over it. And that's a good thing. I am on a daily search for dinosaurs in the mud. We share our dinosaurs of the day when we are together. My friends text me their dinosaurs that they find. Let's find all of them. I guess they aren't extinct after all. And I am grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud

Ode to Sarah Jane

I was asked to speak at my sister, Sarah Jane's funeral, the day before the funeral. I get frightened in front of crowds, and I write much better than I speak, so this was a little bit terrifying for me. But I knew this could be my "ode to Sarah Jane" if I took this opportunity and shared a piece of her life with others. So many came to honor her, but I know there were many who could not make it  to see her or be at the funeral. I have been asked by many of the people who couldn't come if I would share my talk. My blog is the right place to do it. I had no written talk, just an idea and a hope that I would be divinely guided in my words. I had to listen to the recording and type as it went along and it took a lot of time to get it right, but I finally have it ready. Just a warning, as I listened to this talk, I realized I said "and" about a hundred times. I guess this is what you get when you don't write it down! This is what I shared:

Sarah Jane, me, Bethany and Amy after my dad's funeral.
Now the 4 sisters are down to 3.

Cute Sarah Jane

Brandon and Sarah Jane

MY TALK:

My first thought was remembering going to a meeting where Brandon was playing and Sarah Jane had been up there and she brought me up on the stand afterwards and she said, " Do you see that guy right there? I'm going to marry him!" And she did. And we're  grateful that she did!

I'm usually very prepared. I am like my mother. I am like Sarah Jane. I make lists. I like things in order.  And my mind has been blank. Completely blank . And I think the shock and the suddenness of her leaving us left my mind kind of mushy.  But I've prayed,  that as Enoch got the words he needed from the Lord put into his mouth, they will be put into my mouth. So to help me do that, I have been asked to tell some funny stories, that probably half of Providence knows one of them at least,  but I will open with a couple of those and that will lead into the message I need to give you.

When we lived in Silver City, Sarah Jane and I shared a room, and I was on the top bunk and she was on the bottom.  And I was sick one night, and I needed my mom, and I was afraid to speak, because I knew if I did, I would throw up. And I couldn't get off the top bunk to get down so I needed her to get mom.  And I kept saying, ( in a shaky voice) "Sarah Jane", and she was like, " WHAT?!?!? Shut up and go to sleep!"  And I said, "Sarah Jane!"  So after about the fourth time she leans  and looks up at me and says, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" And I went bllllaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh" (throwing up all over her) and I'm sorry to take you to The Goonies movie; I don't want anybody to start throwing up…but it took  a LONG time for her to get over  that.  She was angry for a LONG time! And it got brought up often.

When we moved here, my cute little mother, if you know her, she loves to vacuum. It is her Zen.  And I have to admit I've picked that up from her. It's kind of a family quality. And we had to have our work done before my mom got home.  And Sarah Jane was lying on the floor one day, and she had long hair, and she wouldn't move so I could vacuum.  And I kept saying, "Sarah Jane, if you don't move, I'm going to suck up your hair!" And she wouldn’t do it and I got closer, and closer, and pretty soon, 'zhhhhooooooottt'-and the vacuum was stuck to her head! And we could not get it off.  My dad had to take the vacuum completely apart, and we had to unroll her hair, and pull it, and break it, and she was mad.  So Sarah Jane's (red) hair matched her temper sometimes.  And I think anybody who knew her could attest  a little bit to that. But she had a big heart like the rest of us do.  She learned during her lifetime that forgiveness is a quality we need, and it's something that the world needs.  And as she softened,  and learned to love bigger, and deeper, and harder,  that became part of her soul-to forgive.

It helped her in her job.  It helped her in her family.  It helped her to reach out to those who needed to know that forgiveness is available,  and that forgiveness sets you free.  That holding it for yourself imprisons you. And Sarah Jane was not in a prison where she needed to forgive, because she learned how to do it and taught the rest of us to do it too. She grew with wisdom, and with more beauty  the older she got, and I miss her.  And I love her.  And I'm grateful for her stalwartness and her faith.

We are blessed sisters.  My dad had faith but you all knew  my dad was a little bit…."colorful" at times. So my mom has been the rock that we all followed.  And Sarah Jane continued that history of being the "Rock of Faith", and we all hope to be like her, and like my sweet little mother and live so we can greet Heaven someday as I know Sarah Jane did-with a clear conscience and an open heart and excitement for what is beyond.

I love my family. I LOVE MY FAMILY! You girls are going to be okay. And we'll help you and we love you.

 As I have mulled this over the last couple of months, I am so grateful for lessons in forgiveness. It makes our lives so much less stressful if we will find a way to rid ourselves of the pain of hanging on to anger and resentment and just let our hearts be full of joy and forgiveness. I realize it is easier said than done, but it really is a CHOICE to forgive. It doesn't mean forgetting will be immediate, but shedding the anger and resentment and pain of someone's wrongdoing (perceived or real) gives such relief it is a literally a physical lightness of the heart. So just give that some thought-especially as you realize that anyone can be taken from you in a matter of seconds-at any time-and the pain of holding a grudge after someone is gone is much, much heavier than it is when they are here. Let it go. Leave it. Drop that weight. And remember to forgive yourself as well. That burden is one of the heaviest ones I can think of. I find it easy to forgive others. It's myself I usually struggle with the most. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Splurge on yourself today.

The other thing that has come to mind is that I don't want to have to forgive...that is, I don't even want a reason to be angry or sad or hold a grudge. I don't want any more weight than I am already carrying in my life! Relax. It is okay to let someone have their own opinion. You can even still be friends! When I look at the controversy on Facebook posts or news websites: Breastfeeding in public, hats that support America, whether pedophilia is a crime or a life choice....need I say more??? (I hope not because it makes me a little sick) and the ways that people tear into each other over these topics, it makes me sad that we waste our time looking to be offended (or offending others) and ruining friendships over these issues that we don't have to get mean about. Stirring a pot can make for very sore arms, if you know what I mean. If you're going to fight for something, fight for kindness and understanding. If we all did that, there wouldn't even need to be very much forgiveness, but as there is, let's work on it anyway. And let's be grateful.

****To hear an audio recording of Sarah Jane's funeral in its entirety, go to:

https://cvmortuary.com/obituary/sarah-jane-clayton/

Click on the right hand corner of the page where it says Funeral Service Audio. For the record, it was outstanding. The whole thing. The music was divine. That alone will make you weep. 

ALL CAPS

It has been a weird summer. It would have been weird anyway. My kids are grown up and working. I am off for the summer so summer only means anything to me. And I spend most of it alone. So I guess it really doesn't mean anything to me, either. I have a Santa Claus sized list of things I need to get done around here...things I don't accomplish during the school year-but it has stayed pretty much the same size this year. Losing my sister threw me off track at the get go. I have stayed off track-I guess in reality I have just changed tracks and am on another instead. Not the one I planned on, but a good one nonetheless. My new track consists of  helping others accomplish their lists, trying to cope with my loss and help the ones I love with their loss as well,  or trying to rest off the extreme fatigue I have accumulated this summer. I am not doing great in any area-but I love trying. I'm a little Looney, but I'm trying.

A little Looney

Between feeling like my summer is almost gone ( I start back to work in less than a month) and losing my sister, my need to grasp any and every  opportunity to LIVE is exceptionally persistent right now. I have always had a fear of (well, when it comes right down to it-EVERYTHING, but...) missing out on things-experiences. Feeling like time is rushing past me and understanding that a life can be cut short at any given second has made me almost frantic to go live. I was talking with my family one day about the need to blog, and that I felt it needed to be about living life fully. I wrote a note to myself that said "LIVE LIFE" so I would remember to blog about it. We all caught on that I had written it in all caps because I felt it was so important and we came up with my new mantra "LIVE LIFE IN ALL CAPS".  YES!!!!  I LOVE those "lightbulb" moments.  I feel this one deeply. It is my Bio statement on Facebook. It is my goal. It is on my life list. I no longer have a bucket list----- because the things I want to do, I want to do while I am living life fully-not check them off before I die.

This need I have nipping at my heels has had me filling my calendar with experiences for the coming days-and anyone who knows me knows I relish an EMPTY calendar. But living requires time and events and experiences. We have filled the coming months with FanX (and meeting some of our favorite stars), a lantern festival, a Twenty One Pilots concert, plans to go to travel to places we have never been before, organ recitals on Temple Square, and many more items that will help us grasp everything in life a mortal can grasp onto. I want more. Not more stuff. More things to take with me. Memories. Feelings. Love. I want to experience everything I can (within reason) while being mortal.

Which has made me think that living life in all caps also means freeing ones self of unnecessary problems and burdens. We worry about so much already. Life brings truckloads of problems all on it's own and we humans tend to pile even more trivial worries and issues on ourselves-adding to the pressure and taking away from the joys we can be experiencing. Pettiness.  Jealousy. Gee, that jealousy is an ugly one. There is absolutely no point to it. It's the devil's tool for certain. Jealousy does nothing for anyone except stir up negative emotions. There is no purpose to it. And no need for it. (Do ya think I have some strong feelings on that one, maybe????) Then there's judgment and gossip. Being unforgiving. Expecting too much and giving too little. Seeming unfairness. Entitlement. Gosh. Let it go. Holy cow! The things we cling to that make us miserable when we have the ability to make a choice and give up the burden. Those things can add so much more weight to our burdens. Forgiving someone helps YOU-the other person isn't even affected (I guess unless you go to them and tell them they are forgiven`and half the time they don't know they did something that needs forgiving... WE are the ones who have clung to it) -you get the relief of letting it go. Doing your part gives you joy and a sense of accomplishment you can't get from just taking without the work.  LIVE. LIVE WELL. Give yourself a good life by going all in. In ALL CAPS. Get through the junk, and then live the rest at full throttle. Look for good. It's everywhere.  Stop looking for differences. Look for the things that bring us together. Look for what our Maker sees in us. Talents. Gifts. Potential-so much of it untapped!!  Love. Strengths. Myriads of good. Realize we've all got them. GO LIVE!!! Go now! Don't waste any more time. LET GO OF THE STUFF YOU DON'T NEED. I am starting the movement. I'm starting with myself. And I'm grateful.

Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!

Yes, I heard that. Like getting the prize on the Price is Right. An answer. An epiphany...something my heart already knew but had to be driven home to me. The answer is correct! And it's the way I needed to get the answer-with a big, bell-ringing statement. My mind is pretty mushy these days. Grief can do that to you. I am slow to speak.  I can feel my brain trying to retrieve information when I am asked a question or need to get a job done. Sometimes my mental rolodex finds it, and others, I just have to give up and try again later!

During the week that we were arranging my sister's funeral, we had spent a long day up in the valley where she lived, working with my mom, my sisters, Sarah Jane's husband, and girls. My girls and I were famished and it was getting late. We still had the almost hour drive home and decided to stop at Taco Bell for some body fuel before we headed through the canyon. After I placed my order, the girl asked me my name for the order. I felt like Ralphie in A Christmas Story.

 

Name? What's a name? What is MY name? For the life of me I could not remember my name. I could remember the name of anyone else in the world, except mine.  I told the girl I was so sorry-to wait a second and I would figure it out-that I had been planning my sister's funeral and my brain was pretty tired. She said, "Oh that's okay-I wasn't listening to you anyway." HA!!! A person in the service industry actually said that!!  Anyway, we finished up and I asked her how I would know when my order was ready. She said, "We'll call your name. " So I said, "Did I tell you my name?" OH GEE WHIZ!!! Yeah, that's how my days go right now. But oh well.

What I HAVE been able to think about-quite clearly-is the way my life has been so blessed by the people around me. I have a WONDERFUL village that surrounds me each day. My village has helped me raise my children, find self-worth, fed me and my family during times of crisis, texts me, calls me, visits me, brings me gifts.....the list goes on and on. While dealing with the aftermath of Sarah Jane's death, I realized that my village extends far outside the reaches of my own neighborhood and community. My mom's neighborhood is an extension of that village. As are the people from across the entire country-coast to coast-who showed up and supported me, my family, and Sarah Jane and her family. The offerings of love and charity have astounded me. I have always known how amazing my sister is. To see it from an outside perspective in MASS quantities was extremely humbling and gratifying. I love seeing that she was loved by the world as well as by those of us closest to her-my family.

Such a turnout-from New York, to Texas, to California-so many lives
that Sarah Jane touched showed up to pay their respects.

Signatures and memories on the casket-a touching way to say
goodbye, provided by our wonderful friends at
Cache Valley Mortuary
https://cvmortuary.com/obituary/sarah-jane-clayton/

https://cvmortuary.com/

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, with my utmost sincerity, for
loving and supporting and lifting my family. You made a difference,
You've left a mark on our hearts.

All of these people stepped in. They made a difference. Just like my sister. I have had many people ask me how I am staying so kind and positive-why I'm not angry at God for taking the third family member in 4 years from me. Let me tell you I have had my meltdowns. But they do not involve anger or blame. Because... A) Being angry doesn't help anything. Why would I blame God? Dying really is a part of life. I accept that. There's really no way around that one. It's a scientific fact that each mortal has to face and embrace. Do I like it? No. I miss Sarah Jane. I miss my dad. I miss all the people I have lost. But mad at God over it? No way. God LETS life happen to us, then sends us angels and tender mercies to help us through the trials we face.  B) Being positive is the ONLY way I make it through ANYTHING.  C) Being kind is the way I can honor my sister. Thus, the ding, ding, ding, ding!!! The answer is right there. Kindness.

Sarah Jane's life and the people who showed up to remember it proved how important kindness is. Hers passed in waves around the world. Paying it forward to the world is my way of honoring her life. The kicker to this is that I can't just pick and choose who I want to be kind to. EVERYONE needs love. EVERYONE needs kindness. It's interesting that studies show that when we are hurt, or frustrated, or angry, or grieving, we lash out at those closest to us. In reality those people are the ones who are going to understand what we are going through and be the true comforters along with Heaven to make us able to breathe and function after loss. Though we need to be kind to everyone, those closest to us who are suffering WITH us need the utmost patience and kindness and sincerity of heart from us. As those treatments start healing, good feelings and positive experiences can ripple out into waves and help the rest of the world so that we all understand each other and start to harbor that desire to be there for others. Everyone's life is important. Paying it forward makes a life stand out.

 

So do it with me. BE KIND. Try it out. Begin with the people closest to you. The ones who you love the most but can also frustrate you the most. Master that, then pay it forward to the rest of the world. And I'll be grateful.

 

I Could Be Wrong

Everyone is wrong sometime in their lives. We can't all be right all the time. I have never been terribly bothered if I am wrong. I don't think there's anyone who enjoys being wrong, but if I am wrong about something,  I'm not afraid to admit it.

That being said, I could be wrong. I hope not, but I am questioning my judgment.  "Guilt is a useless emotion," I said...yet I am consumed by it. "Don't think about the ouldas," I said....Yet I think about them constantly. I wondered if there were people that care about me-I wish I hadn't had to find out. I am plagued in a way I have never been before. I'm trying sort my way out of it.

 

Sarah Jane in her band uniform-marching band was one of her passions.

Isn't she lovely?

I lost my sister. My big sister, Sarah Jane. In a flash. No warnings or bells and whistles. She was just gone. Leaving her husband and daughters, leaving her mother, and sisters, and friends. Leaving this world with a huge, gaping hole in it. The hole my dad left with his passing was just starting to fill in a little. The struggles I have had for the past year and a half are just starting to clear up. I was just starting to find myself again. Just beginning to find the confidence to shine again. Then this. This devastation that many others have suffered. I have told several people that the day my mom and I went to buy Sarah Jane's burial plot (and let me tell you, you never picture yourself saying those words-"buying my sister's burial plot") my mom said to me, "Heather, do you realize we have done this every 18 months-3 times now?" First her mother, then my dad, now my sister. All three  of them had been living in my mom's house at the time of their passing. The hurt. Oh, the hurt of that realization has come crashing down on me. No wonder I am tired. No wonder that I wander around in a haze, hoping that at least some of the time I make sense.  I am not the only one who has lost a sibling. I don't walk this path alone, I know. But I am struggling. I am not complaining. I am not railing against God or questioning my core beliefs. I am just trying to catch my breath.

Me, Amy, and Sarah Jane

All 4 sisters



Christmas in Yucca Valley at my Grandparents Summers

Gosh I miss her. I wasn't ready. None of us were. You never are. I am not one of those people who believes that God needed her more than we do. He is God. He has everything He needs at His disposal. He has legions of angels to respond to His every direction. I DO believe that there are more tools in His realm for the angels that are there to help us than there are on this earth, and He will let our loved ones use all the tools at His disposal to help us over here. I feel angels, and I'm grateful I have a benevolent Heavenly Father who lets them be here to help us and spur us forward.

Sarah Jane, my mother's parents, newborn Amy and me

I have always been blessed to see the big picture. To have faith oozing from every pore. I have been able to take loss- I don't like it, but I know it is a part of life.  I always see the blessings. I've always rallied quickly. I still do. I still will. But I'm having a bit of a hard time getting my footing. I feel guilt in a way I never have before. Did my sister get taken because I needed to learn something? Is there something more I shoulda done? I shoulda left my selfishness behind when I wondered if there are people who care about me. Having her die has brought so much love and attention to me and my well being. I have had well wishers by the bucket load helping me and feeding me and texting me and befriending me. I know I am thought of. I get scared my sister had to die so I could see that. I worry that I was just beginning to share my light, and now I feel dim again. I want to be a light to all I know-I want to be happy and positive and energetic and joyful...and I'm having a hard time gathering myself off the floor to be that person right now. Oh, it's in my heart, but I can't quite bring it to the surface yet. I fret, I cry, I feel guilty and out of control. THEN I STOP. I know my  God -the God I serve, the God I love. My God does not take a beloved sister from the whole world so I  could learn a lesson. But when He allows life to happen, he also lets blessings, and realizations, goodness and mercy snowball from an event. Then those good things and silver linings show up not only in my life, but the lives of many. Paying it forward. Sharing the light. Letting others share theirs. Helping others to receive the blessings that come from service and love.

Christmas Eve at my mom's

With her one true forever love, Brandon, and my mom

Happy SJ with Radar at her side

The Tabernacle where Sarah Jane's husband, Brandon does recitals. Their daughters
with my daughter, Meghan.

So maybe I'm not wrong. Maybe I just see that it's okay if I take lessons from the trials and losses, despite the hurt I feel. I see that though I love to give and share my light, it's also good that others get a chance to share theirs. The goodness should be allowed to come full circle. THAT is God's plan. For us to give when we are strong so others can give when we are weak. That guilt doesn't help when a person is taken from us, but thinking about ways to better ourselves while mourning is a good thing. That the ouldas really don't change the past, but can help us with the future. And that when we ask to be shown something good, God does not punish us for asking, but he may use a situation that is already in play to help us see what we were asking for.

 

 

I miss Sarah Jane. I know I always will. I don't think that grief gets better, or that time heals, but I do think time teaches you how to live with that grief, and that God and His angels-both heavenly and earthly-help in that process. There are blessings in every trial. Losing my sis is a hard pill to swallow, but in our tragedy, love was poured out upon us. We saw people we haven't seen in decades-and we might not have seen them any other way. We remembered all the good. We celebrated Sarah Jane's life. We bonded together. And I am grateful.