I Could Be Wrong

Everyone is wrong sometime in their lives. We can't all be right all the time. I have never been terribly bothered if I am wrong. I don't think there's anyone who enjoys being wrong, but if I am wrong about something,  I'm not afraid to admit it.

That being said, I could be wrong. I hope not, but I am questioning my judgment.  "Guilt is a useless emotion," I said...yet I am consumed by it. "Don't think about the ouldas," I said....Yet I think about them constantly. I wondered if there were people that care about me-I wish I hadn't had to find out. I am plagued in a way I have never been before. I'm trying sort my way out of it.

 

Sarah Jane in her band uniform-marching band was one of her passions.

Isn't she lovely?

I lost my sister. My big sister, Sarah Jane. In a flash. No warnings or bells and whistles. She was just gone. Leaving her husband and daughters, leaving her mother, and sisters, and friends. Leaving this world with a huge, gaping hole in it. The hole my dad left with his passing was just starting to fill in a little. The struggles I have had for the past year and a half are just starting to clear up. I was just starting to find myself again. Just beginning to find the confidence to shine again. Then this. This devastation that many others have suffered. I have told several people that the day my mom and I went to buy Sarah Jane's burial plot (and let me tell you, you never picture yourself saying those words-"buying my sister's burial plot") my mom said to me, "Heather, do you realize we have done this every 18 months-3 times now?" First her mother, then my dad, now my sister. All three  of them had been living in my mom's house at the time of their passing. The hurt. Oh, the hurt of that realization has come crashing down on me. No wonder I am tired. No wonder that I wander around in a haze, hoping that at least some of the time I make sense.  I am not the only one who has lost a sibling. I don't walk this path alone, I know. But I am struggling. I am not complaining. I am not railing against God or questioning my core beliefs. I am just trying to catch my breath.

Me, Amy, and Sarah Jane

All 4 sisters



Christmas in Yucca Valley at my Grandparents Summers

Gosh I miss her. I wasn't ready. None of us were. You never are. I am not one of those people who believes that God needed her more than we do. He is God. He has everything He needs at His disposal. He has legions of angels to respond to His every direction. I DO believe that there are more tools in His realm for the angels that are there to help us than there are on this earth, and He will let our loved ones use all the tools at His disposal to help us over here. I feel angels, and I'm grateful I have a benevolent Heavenly Father who lets them be here to help us and spur us forward.

Sarah Jane, my mother's parents, newborn Amy and me

I have always been blessed to see the big picture. To have faith oozing from every pore. I have been able to take loss- I don't like it, but I know it is a part of life.  I always see the blessings. I've always rallied quickly. I still do. I still will. But I'm having a bit of a hard time getting my footing. I feel guilt in a way I never have before. Did my sister get taken because I needed to learn something? Is there something more I shoulda done? I shoulda left my selfishness behind when I wondered if there are people who care about me. Having her die has brought so much love and attention to me and my well being. I have had well wishers by the bucket load helping me and feeding me and texting me and befriending me. I know I am thought of. I get scared my sister had to die so I could see that. I worry that I was just beginning to share my light, and now I feel dim again. I want to be a light to all I know-I want to be happy and positive and energetic and joyful...and I'm having a hard time gathering myself off the floor to be that person right now. Oh, it's in my heart, but I can't quite bring it to the surface yet. I fret, I cry, I feel guilty and out of control. THEN I STOP. I know my  God -the God I serve, the God I love. My God does not take a beloved sister from the whole world so I  could learn a lesson. But when He allows life to happen, he also lets blessings, and realizations, goodness and mercy snowball from an event. Then those good things and silver linings show up not only in my life, but the lives of many. Paying it forward. Sharing the light. Letting others share theirs. Helping others to receive the blessings that come from service and love.

Christmas Eve at my mom's

With her one true forever love, Brandon, and my mom

Happy SJ with Radar at her side

The Tabernacle where Sarah Jane's husband, Brandon does recitals. Their daughters
with my daughter, Meghan.

So maybe I'm not wrong. Maybe I just see that it's okay if I take lessons from the trials and losses, despite the hurt I feel. I see that though I love to give and share my light, it's also good that others get a chance to share theirs. The goodness should be allowed to come full circle. THAT is God's plan. For us to give when we are strong so others can give when we are weak. That guilt doesn't help when a person is taken from us, but thinking about ways to better ourselves while mourning is a good thing. That the ouldas really don't change the past, but can help us with the future. And that when we ask to be shown something good, God does not punish us for asking, but he may use a situation that is already in play to help us see what we were asking for.

 

 

I miss Sarah Jane. I know I always will. I don't think that grief gets better, or that time heals, but I do think time teaches you how to live with that grief, and that God and His angels-both heavenly and earthly-help in that process. There are blessings in every trial. Losing my sis is a hard pill to swallow, but in our tragedy, love was poured out upon us. We saw people we haven't seen in decades-and we might not have seen them any other way. We remembered all the good. We celebrated Sarah Jane's life. We bonded together. And I am grateful.