ALL CAPS

It has been a weird summer. It would have been weird anyway. My kids are grown up and working. I am off for the summer so summer only means anything to me. And I spend most of it alone. So I guess it really doesn't mean anything to me, either. I have a Santa Claus sized list of things I need to get done around here...things I don't accomplish during the school year-but it has stayed pretty much the same size this year. Losing my sister threw me off track at the get go. I have stayed off track-I guess in reality I have just changed tracks and am on another instead. Not the one I planned on, but a good one nonetheless. My new track consists of  helping others accomplish their lists, trying to cope with my loss and help the ones I love with their loss as well,  or trying to rest off the extreme fatigue I have accumulated this summer. I am not doing great in any area-but I love trying. I'm a little Looney, but I'm trying.

A little Looney

Between feeling like my summer is almost gone ( I start back to work in less than a month) and losing my sister, my need to grasp any and every  opportunity to LIVE is exceptionally persistent right now. I have always had a fear of (well, when it comes right down to it-EVERYTHING, but...) missing out on things-experiences. Feeling like time is rushing past me and understanding that a life can be cut short at any given second has made me almost frantic to go live. I was talking with my family one day about the need to blog, and that I felt it needed to be about living life fully. I wrote a note to myself that said "LIVE LIFE" so I would remember to blog about it. We all caught on that I had written it in all caps because I felt it was so important and we came up with my new mantra "LIVE LIFE IN ALL CAPS".  YES!!!!  I LOVE those "lightbulb" moments.  I feel this one deeply. It is my Bio statement on Facebook. It is my goal. It is on my life list. I no longer have a bucket list----- because the things I want to do, I want to do while I am living life fully-not check them off before I die.

This need I have nipping at my heels has had me filling my calendar with experiences for the coming days-and anyone who knows me knows I relish an EMPTY calendar. But living requires time and events and experiences. We have filled the coming months with FanX (and meeting some of our favorite stars), a lantern festival, a Twenty One Pilots concert, plans to go to travel to places we have never been before, organ recitals on Temple Square, and many more items that will help us grasp everything in life a mortal can grasp onto. I want more. Not more stuff. More things to take with me. Memories. Feelings. Love. I want to experience everything I can (within reason) while being mortal.

Which has made me think that living life in all caps also means freeing ones self of unnecessary problems and burdens. We worry about so much already. Life brings truckloads of problems all on it's own and we humans tend to pile even more trivial worries and issues on ourselves-adding to the pressure and taking away from the joys we can be experiencing. Pettiness.  Jealousy. Gee, that jealousy is an ugly one. There is absolutely no point to it. It's the devil's tool for certain. Jealousy does nothing for anyone except stir up negative emotions. There is no purpose to it. And no need for it. (Do ya think I have some strong feelings on that one, maybe????) Then there's judgment and gossip. Being unforgiving. Expecting too much and giving too little. Seeming unfairness. Entitlement. Gosh. Let it go. Holy cow! The things we cling to that make us miserable when we have the ability to make a choice and give up the burden. Those things can add so much more weight to our burdens. Forgiving someone helps YOU-the other person isn't even affected (I guess unless you go to them and tell them they are forgiven`and half the time they don't know they did something that needs forgiving... WE are the ones who have clung to it) -you get the relief of letting it go. Doing your part gives you joy and a sense of accomplishment you can't get from just taking without the work.  LIVE. LIVE WELL. Give yourself a good life by going all in. In ALL CAPS. Get through the junk, and then live the rest at full throttle. Look for good. It's everywhere.  Stop looking for differences. Look for the things that bring us together. Look for what our Maker sees in us. Talents. Gifts. Potential-so much of it untapped!!  Love. Strengths. Myriads of good. Realize we've all got them. GO LIVE!!! Go now! Don't waste any more time. LET GO OF THE STUFF YOU DON'T NEED. I am starting the movement. I'm starting with myself. And I'm grateful.

Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!

Yes, I heard that. Like getting the prize on the Price is Right. An answer. An epiphany...something my heart already knew but had to be driven home to me. The answer is correct! And it's the way I needed to get the answer-with a big, bell-ringing statement. My mind is pretty mushy these days. Grief can do that to you. I am slow to speak.  I can feel my brain trying to retrieve information when I am asked a question or need to get a job done. Sometimes my mental rolodex finds it, and others, I just have to give up and try again later!

During the week that we were arranging my sister's funeral, we had spent a long day up in the valley where she lived, working with my mom, my sisters, Sarah Jane's husband, and girls. My girls and I were famished and it was getting late. We still had the almost hour drive home and decided to stop at Taco Bell for some body fuel before we headed through the canyon. After I placed my order, the girl asked me my name for the order. I felt like Ralphie in A Christmas Story.

 

Name? What's a name? What is MY name? For the life of me I could not remember my name. I could remember the name of anyone else in the world, except mine.  I told the girl I was so sorry-to wait a second and I would figure it out-that I had been planning my sister's funeral and my brain was pretty tired. She said, "Oh that's okay-I wasn't listening to you anyway." HA!!! A person in the service industry actually said that!!  Anyway, we finished up and I asked her how I would know when my order was ready. She said, "We'll call your name. " So I said, "Did I tell you my name?" OH GEE WHIZ!!! Yeah, that's how my days go right now. But oh well.

What I HAVE been able to think about-quite clearly-is the way my life has been so blessed by the people around me. I have a WONDERFUL village that surrounds me each day. My village has helped me raise my children, find self-worth, fed me and my family during times of crisis, texts me, calls me, visits me, brings me gifts.....the list goes on and on. While dealing with the aftermath of Sarah Jane's death, I realized that my village extends far outside the reaches of my own neighborhood and community. My mom's neighborhood is an extension of that village. As are the people from across the entire country-coast to coast-who showed up and supported me, my family, and Sarah Jane and her family. The offerings of love and charity have astounded me. I have always known how amazing my sister is. To see it from an outside perspective in MASS quantities was extremely humbling and gratifying. I love seeing that she was loved by the world as well as by those of us closest to her-my family.

Such a turnout-from New York, to Texas, to California-so many lives
that Sarah Jane touched showed up to pay their respects.

Signatures and memories on the casket-a touching way to say
goodbye, provided by our wonderful friends at
Cache Valley Mortuary
https://cvmortuary.com/obituary/sarah-jane-clayton/

https://cvmortuary.com/

 

Thank you, thank you, thank you, with my utmost sincerity, for
loving and supporting and lifting my family. You made a difference,
You've left a mark on our hearts.

All of these people stepped in. They made a difference. Just like my sister. I have had many people ask me how I am staying so kind and positive-why I'm not angry at God for taking the third family member in 4 years from me. Let me tell you I have had my meltdowns. But they do not involve anger or blame. Because... A) Being angry doesn't help anything. Why would I blame God? Dying really is a part of life. I accept that. There's really no way around that one. It's a scientific fact that each mortal has to face and embrace. Do I like it? No. I miss Sarah Jane. I miss my dad. I miss all the people I have lost. But mad at God over it? No way. God LETS life happen to us, then sends us angels and tender mercies to help us through the trials we face.  B) Being positive is the ONLY way I make it through ANYTHING.  C) Being kind is the way I can honor my sister. Thus, the ding, ding, ding, ding!!! The answer is right there. Kindness.

Sarah Jane's life and the people who showed up to remember it proved how important kindness is. Hers passed in waves around the world. Paying it forward to the world is my way of honoring her life. The kicker to this is that I can't just pick and choose who I want to be kind to. EVERYONE needs love. EVERYONE needs kindness. It's interesting that studies show that when we are hurt, or frustrated, or angry, or grieving, we lash out at those closest to us. In reality those people are the ones who are going to understand what we are going through and be the true comforters along with Heaven to make us able to breathe and function after loss. Though we need to be kind to everyone, those closest to us who are suffering WITH us need the utmost patience and kindness and sincerity of heart from us. As those treatments start healing, good feelings and positive experiences can ripple out into waves and help the rest of the world so that we all understand each other and start to harbor that desire to be there for others. Everyone's life is important. Paying it forward makes a life stand out.

 

So do it with me. BE KIND. Try it out. Begin with the people closest to you. The ones who you love the most but can also frustrate you the most. Master that, then pay it forward to the rest of the world. And I'll be grateful.

 

I Could Be Wrong

Everyone is wrong sometime in their lives. We can't all be right all the time. I have never been terribly bothered if I am wrong. I don't think there's anyone who enjoys being wrong, but if I am wrong about something,  I'm not afraid to admit it.

That being said, I could be wrong. I hope not, but I am questioning my judgment.  "Guilt is a useless emotion," I said...yet I am consumed by it. "Don't think about the ouldas," I said....Yet I think about them constantly. I wondered if there were people that care about me-I wish I hadn't had to find out. I am plagued in a way I have never been before. I'm trying sort my way out of it.

 

Sarah Jane in her band uniform-marching band was one of her passions.

Isn't she lovely?

I lost my sister. My big sister, Sarah Jane. In a flash. No warnings or bells and whistles. She was just gone. Leaving her husband and daughters, leaving her mother, and sisters, and friends. Leaving this world with a huge, gaping hole in it. The hole my dad left with his passing was just starting to fill in a little. The struggles I have had for the past year and a half are just starting to clear up. I was just starting to find myself again. Just beginning to find the confidence to shine again. Then this. This devastation that many others have suffered. I have told several people that the day my mom and I went to buy Sarah Jane's burial plot (and let me tell you, you never picture yourself saying those words-"buying my sister's burial plot") my mom said to me, "Heather, do you realize we have done this every 18 months-3 times now?" First her mother, then my dad, now my sister. All three  of them had been living in my mom's house at the time of their passing. The hurt. Oh, the hurt of that realization has come crashing down on me. No wonder I am tired. No wonder that I wander around in a haze, hoping that at least some of the time I make sense.  I am not the only one who has lost a sibling. I don't walk this path alone, I know. But I am struggling. I am not complaining. I am not railing against God or questioning my core beliefs. I am just trying to catch my breath.

Me, Amy, and Sarah Jane

All 4 sisters



Christmas in Yucca Valley at my Grandparents Summers

Gosh I miss her. I wasn't ready. None of us were. You never are. I am not one of those people who believes that God needed her more than we do. He is God. He has everything He needs at His disposal. He has legions of angels to respond to His every direction. I DO believe that there are more tools in His realm for the angels that are there to help us than there are on this earth, and He will let our loved ones use all the tools at His disposal to help us over here. I feel angels, and I'm grateful I have a benevolent Heavenly Father who lets them be here to help us and spur us forward.

Sarah Jane, my mother's parents, newborn Amy and me

I have always been blessed to see the big picture. To have faith oozing from every pore. I have been able to take loss- I don't like it, but I know it is a part of life.  I always see the blessings. I've always rallied quickly. I still do. I still will. But I'm having a bit of a hard time getting my footing. I feel guilt in a way I never have before. Did my sister get taken because I needed to learn something? Is there something more I shoulda done? I shoulda left my selfishness behind when I wondered if there are people who care about me. Having her die has brought so much love and attention to me and my well being. I have had well wishers by the bucket load helping me and feeding me and texting me and befriending me. I know I am thought of. I get scared my sister had to die so I could see that. I worry that I was just beginning to share my light, and now I feel dim again. I want to be a light to all I know-I want to be happy and positive and energetic and joyful...and I'm having a hard time gathering myself off the floor to be that person right now. Oh, it's in my heart, but I can't quite bring it to the surface yet. I fret, I cry, I feel guilty and out of control. THEN I STOP. I know my  God -the God I serve, the God I love. My God does not take a beloved sister from the whole world so I  could learn a lesson. But when He allows life to happen, he also lets blessings, and realizations, goodness and mercy snowball from an event. Then those good things and silver linings show up not only in my life, but the lives of many. Paying it forward. Sharing the light. Letting others share theirs. Helping others to receive the blessings that come from service and love.

Christmas Eve at my mom's

With her one true forever love, Brandon, and my mom

Happy SJ with Radar at her side

The Tabernacle where Sarah Jane's husband, Brandon does recitals. Their daughters
with my daughter, Meghan.

So maybe I'm not wrong. Maybe I just see that it's okay if I take lessons from the trials and losses, despite the hurt I feel. I see that though I love to give and share my light, it's also good that others get a chance to share theirs. The goodness should be allowed to come full circle. THAT is God's plan. For us to give when we are strong so others can give when we are weak. That guilt doesn't help when a person is taken from us, but thinking about ways to better ourselves while mourning is a good thing. That the ouldas really don't change the past, but can help us with the future. And that when we ask to be shown something good, God does not punish us for asking, but he may use a situation that is already in play to help us see what we were asking for.

 

 

I miss Sarah Jane. I know I always will. I don't think that grief gets better, or that time heals, but I do think time teaches you how to live with that grief, and that God and His angels-both heavenly and earthly-help in that process. There are blessings in every trial. Losing my sis is a hard pill to swallow, but in our tragedy, love was poured out upon us. We saw people we haven't seen in decades-and we might not have seen them any other way. We remembered all the good. We celebrated Sarah Jane's life. We bonded together. And I am grateful.