Uncle! *@#

Uncle! Enough. I give. We give..... UNCLE!

Help....my heart is broken. Not for me, but for people all over the world who have had enough. It feels like the world is being torn to bits all in a short amount of time. From hurricane after hurricane-to earthquakes-to protests and looting....that's only the tip of the iceberg. Everyone is facing something...maybe even a lot of things. Heaven knows my family has been going through our own pile of issues-though I'm starting to think we are finally headed out the other side. Dare I say it? I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It is faint but still glimmering with hope.

There's ALWAYS hope

I have friends that are losing their homes. I have friends facing health issues. I have friends fighting against divorce and trying to keep their families together. I have friends who are raising their grandkids because the parents can't. I have friends who have lost their incomes, lost family members, and are losing hope. I'm a believer it will ALL BE OKAY. I just don't know when or how, or what we will have to get through to be okay. But there really isn't another choice. You just can't quit. Life goes on whether you're staying in the game or collapsed on the sidelines. Me? I WANT to LIVE. Not just survive. I want the blessing of being ALIVE even though some aspects of living are painful. I still want LIFE. A good life. And I'm determined to make a good life amongst the poopy stuff. Life is hard. Blessings and good things are just that- icing on the cake.

We all have stuff. Some of it is big, and some of it seems  big-especially if a lot of little stuff piles up. There are new sets of circumstances in many areas of my life right now. I feel like I'm having to adjust to a lot of newness all at once. And I don't like change. But change happens. Ironically, that is one of the few constants in life- that it changes. I have constant chest pain and continual anxiety, but at the same time I feel calm and (mostly) able. And when I look at the world around me I feel blessed. Exceedingly.

BEAUTIFUL, wonderful magical St. Maarten

I have talked of the once in a lifetime trip my family and I took last year to St. Maarten in the Caribbean. I have conveyed my love for this place and the people in it. It was beautiful. It was picturesque. It was inviting. It was paradise. It was a place where people called to you to come enjoy the day with them on their porch-not knowing you, just wanting to be friendly and hospitable. It was lovely. There was real island time there-no worries of the next errand or ball practice-just time to enjoy the people and the atmosphere and feel blessed.  I'm so very grateful for the experience we had to go there. I will never forget it. I'm grateful we went when we did.

In the last few weeks, my lovely St. Maarten (and many other beautiful places with beautiful people) took several hits-the biggest one being from Hurricane Irma. St. Maarten is all but decimated. The airport right on Maho Beach, where we stood under a 747 landing is not usable. People are homeless, without food, water, and most of what they owned. I realize there are people all over the world so adversely affected by destruction and loss. I feel for all of them. But I left part of my heart in St. Maarten. That island is a now a part of me. I am mourning the loss of so much- the lives, the beauty, the way of life there. I want to go rescue them. I hurt for them. I am ill. But what I feel most is shame over the things that I complain of-the things I see as problems. Let me be clear-I am not discounting anyone's problems. We all have different ones and they are important to us for different reasons. But so much of what I hear around me is complaint of something not being one way or another, or someone not doing or saying what we thought they should, or a situation going different than the way we pictured it. I am as guilty as the next person. I'm feeling an urgent need to stop and check myself. I'm feeling humbled. I'm feeling grateful for what I do have.

Before the hurricane



After

 



Yup. I'm grateful. For a roof over my head, water, food, family, a job... for my set of problems. I have hope of rebuilding and hope of strength for these people. I have hope of them coming together to reclaim and restore. I pray for the people who are doing without. Not just during hurricanes or earthquakes, but always. I beg God to be merciful, and to provide, and to help me to know when I need to provide. I do see hope. I can find it anywhere, even in the darkest of times and in all the shambles. I have enough to share with others. And I am grateful.







Heart Problems

Oh! My heart! Sometimes it's just too much.


Be still my heart....just too cute!

My heart is too big. It feels too much. It loves too much. But that's not really the issue. My heart just has problems, period. Really. Medical problems. It beats too fast, too slow, randomly, rhythmically, skippingly...you name it. I have Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia-which basically means my heart can beat any way it pleases at any time it pleases. So when I'm on the treadmill, working my guts out, sometimes my heart will beat 60 beats per minute. But then I lay down, and it goes up to 110. Or it beats to the rhythm of whatever song is on, whichever jackhammer is pounding, whatever florescent light bulb hum is happening at the moment. It's ridiculous.

I am grateful, though. It used to be worse. I had Rapid Onset Tachycardia (or Supraventricular Tachycardia-SVT) up until 6 years ago. My heart could be at 90 beats a minute and suddenly go up to 250-like flipping a switch. This could last from 3 seconds to3 minutes to 3 hours to 3 days. It was exhausting! By the time I was 40 I had a heart that ran like an 85 year old. I was worried it would be used up early, and I begged my doctors for years to fix it.  No one would agree.

Now, I'm a believer in miracles. I notice them. I have seen them. I have experienced them. I beg God for them. I believe they range in size from the tiniest miracle in a little ladybug's flight to the biggest ones of having a tumor vanish. Miracles are all around us, everywhere we look. So I want them. For years I begged God to take my SVT away. I knew He could do it. The doctors wouldn't operate because they couldn't isolate it in my heart. So I asked God to "operate". I begged for my miracle. It took years of heart monitors and fainting and hospital bills and doctors visits and praying and pleading....and then I got my miracle. It wasn't an instant miracle. My heart problem didn't just vanish. It took a series of events and people and tests, and prayers...many, many things lined up so that I could find the surgeon that would risk my surgery and take care of that SVT. As he wheeled me into the operating room he apologized, telling me that he was sorry I would be coming out exactly the way I was going in, but he would try anyway. Well, he found it within the first half hour of surgery. My heart still tries to go into SVT to this day. But it never lasts more than 15 seconds. And yes, I'm still considered inappropriate...concerning my heart anyway. Through it all I learned that a miracle can entail much more than a vanishing problem. Many times it involves people, events, and angels lined up at the right place at the right time for the miracle to take place. I got my miracle. Just not the way I expected.

 That being said, I'm still a sucker for the instant miracle. I have learned that though many of those come straight from the hand of God, many others come from PEOPLE being  the hands of God. The angels on earth who listen to the whisperings of the angels from heaven-and act on it. Providing miracles. Making me grateful. Thanks to my miracle makers. Thanks for being His hands. I am grateful.


Surprise beautiful flowers and a sunny balloon
from wonderful neighbors that I love so very much!

The miracle of finding-by chance-this photo of my angel dad and me on
a Christmas Eve past.

After heart surgery, my mantra was "It will be okay."
Because it will.
But I found a new mantra, and the miracle is
that I found a shirt with my new mantra,
"Hope is Stronger than Fear."

(I)SCREAM

Time is dwindling. The clock is going faster this summer. I feel like I haven't gotten one. The craziness of life kind of took over this summer. On the upside, I went on a cruise, saw Las Vegas for about 2 seconds in a sort of drive by shooting kind of way in all it's....ummmm.....scary splendor, bought something fun to drive, and met up with friends I haven't seen since heaven. So that's a pretty good list. But it went so fast.

It's been no secret I have been dealing with some things I haven't been used to in my life thus far. Everyone does. My summer days of ice cream have been spent as "I scream" instead, but with the help of God, angels, and the amazing peeps I have gathered in my life, I am making it.

 

Yes, I have a cloud obsession. It helps me see light.

I look for light. I try to BE light. I haven't lost my light. It has just been a little dimmed as of late. I am normally a person that can rally and find the silver lining of ANY situation...and I am still doing that. I will never lose that, because it's one of the things I was born to do. My husband calls me the "Silver Lining Seamstress". . I know it drives some people crazy. I look past faults, try to find reasons to see why someone is behaving a certain way, try to forgive, try to search for another  way to look at a situation. I feel it's better than living in negativity and dread...so I continue to look for those other ways instead of the worst possible scenarios. I know I disappoint people, and I know how it feels to be disappointing, so I guess by looking from another angle, I try to spare others from feeling they have disappointed.

I have been so grateful for the offerings of love and gathering of friends to jump to my aid, if only to be listeners and pray for me. It helps more than you know. From the person who shows up on my doorstep just to hug me, to the neighbor who drives past my house, puts her car in reverse and backs down the street to chat with me, to the friend from work who offers good listening and lunch, to the long lost daughter who sends a token reminder that I am loved and needed. Thank you. THANK YOU.  I don't expect these gestures. I am grateful for them. I know God sends these people to me to help me keep noticing the good. And I do. Life is full of people who can't find it no matter how hard they try-and I am going to be someone who is able to point it out. I want to live well, and help everyone live our best. To experience love. And love DOES save. It is saving me. It's the only way. Wonder Woman is right. No more screaming for me. Ice cream is better. And I'm grateful.

Thank you sweet Jennifer. You were God's hands!

FAVORITE MOVIE!!!

(Not) DEFEATED (yet)

I have riled a few things up; ruffled some feathers, made some changes. I'm sorry. I had to. My reserves of strength are dwindling and I need to take some time to fill them back up.

Filling my bucket with Radar kisses

 

It's hard for me to admit I'm running out of steam. I have so much goodness in my life. WONDERFUL, AMAZING people who lift me, a benevolent Father in Heaven who is quite literally pouring help and miracles into my life. I beg for angels, and He is sending them. He is trying to guide and inspire me and everyone else around me in all that needs to be done. I'm so grateful for that. I take in and process as many of these good things as I can then look to Him for guidance on the next step. Have I done enough? Where can I do better? Where have I gone wrong? Am I listening to the right promptings, the right voices? My prayer is that I am learning how to do this better. I want to be a conduit for messages from Heaven and a deliverer of light and joy to the people around me. My flame is flickering. Just when I think it is going to be extinguished, oxygen is delivered in the form of kindness or understanding or love or a boost of faith. Sometimes it is barely enough, but I am grateful all the same. I know He is doing his part. I need to take the time to strengthen so I can do mine.

I need to make sure it is known that I do miss my dad. Every day. Sometimes I need him so desperately I cry to Heaven just to feel him for a moment. And I have been blessed to receive tender moments of feeling my dad with me. But his death did not break me. I know where he is. I know the good he is doing. I know he is watching over me and my family. I know he is pain free and safe and happy. I am happy for him. I miss him, but I'm not broken because he is gone. I'm not broken. I'm just tired. I need fuel. Life is wearing on  me. Finding my place in it is exhausting me. Figuring out how to make a difference is eluding me. Being good enough is evading me. Showing the people I love that they are important to me is proving to be a challenge. I always thought love was one of my gifts-that it is easily seen and felt from me. But I am finding I have much work to do. And I am determined to do so. I want to be the best me. The one who gives off the most light and comfort-the most love and acceptance-the most gratitude and humility. So bear with me while I search, and ponder, and pray, and beg Heaven to lead the way. I will get there. I promise.

Our little family in West Virginia about 1977

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. That's not what this is. I'm okay. I will be okay. I'm working toward being better than okay.  I want understanding that I need a minute. I need to breathe. I need to accumulate light. I just need some time to do it. I know everyone needs this. I'm taking my turn. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. So please love me while I continue to bolster my self to give it back to you tenfold. I'm committed to give it back. I'm searching for my sparkle.

I guess all I need to say is that I'm backing up a bit. I'm not giving up. I intend to do the things God sent me here to do. I'm dropping some social media for awhile. I am saying no to some of the things I can't do right now. I have always been a "yes" girl. I am taking my turn to say no for a bit. I am searching for ways to fill my bucket. I'm reading, I'm studying, I'm praying. I am trying to strengthen my family and show them by example that I know what the most important things in life are. I'm withdrawing my presence a little, but I am not withdrawing my love. It is ALWAYS here. For EVERYONE. ALL THE TIME. I love. I love you. I love my peeps. I love my friends. I love my kiddos at school. I love my family. I love my life. I just need to get it together so I can make a difference for good. I am still here. I always will be. I am stocking my emotional shelves and hoarding fuel so I can shine my lamp. Bear with me and love me and know you make a difference. Don't forget me.

I have been asked what people can do for me. The best thing you can do for me is love. Pay it forward to others. Be there for others while I can't. Shine your light. Be the good. Be the strength while I am weak. And then if you need something else to do, pray for me. Pray for me to find strength and be one to others. Pray for my family. Pray for goodness. And I will be grateful.