Die Another Day

I know it has been awhile. I honestly have not been able to gather the energy to focus my thoughts on... well...anything. My head is heavy. I am slow. I am behind. I don't do much but go to work. I have to save the mask wearing for work, so I don't get to go to church or shopping or anything because it takes too much out of me to wear it everywhere. I have become a homebody, and I feel like I am missing out on life, though conditions aren't letting many of us go live anyway. Not in the way we should be. But I do  realize I left everyone with kind of a cliffhanger with my last blog  https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2021/, so I am here to make amends. I have been called out, and I apologize it has taken me this long to write again. 

First things first. I am doing fine. I am not healthy,  but I am also not dead, or on the brink of death. I will say my family and I are all suffering from some PTSD. When my breath gets short and my chest feels tight I panic-not as much as I did the first month after my episode, but it still comes. I am still not above 70% of my lung capacity, but I am gaining a little bit of strength and my oxygen concentrator helps. It's the first thing I do when I wake up and the first thing I do when I come home from work; turn that puppy on and breathe that oxygen in. I don't love being tied to something like that when I am only 50 years old, although Chad did get me a 50 foot hose so I can go anywhere in the house and still be getting oxygen, and I am truly grateful for it. I huff and puff more than I want to, and it makes me nervous, but I am learning how to somewhat manage my waves of terror. Putting anything over my face makes me shake...literally...and I have to take Xanax before I put anything on on to go into work. My daughters get a look of alarm if they see I am struggling to breathe, and cling to me a little tighter. I cling to them a little tighter as well. And poor Chad, who literally held my life in his hands, and was responsible for bringing me back to it, well....he's a hero. He holds it in well but he watches me closely and I can see the terror come back to haunt him. We get daily reminders-and flashbacks. But daily doses of faith and gratitude as well. 

People have been good to me. I have had friends check on me regularly, co-workers and people in church who have been willing to take over some of my responsibilities when I have to rest, and bosses and supervisors who have been very understanding and accommodating. I hate feeling weak. We all do. I work very hard to make conscious efforts for my health and stay physically strong. This one caught me unawares. When something of this magnitude happens and your life flickers out for a moment, your first impulse isn't to run around telling everyone about it, but you tell the people who you know it will most immediately affect and the people who know something big went on at your house.  I have tried to put as much information out there as I thought was needed, but not run around telling everyone I have already had a death date. Yes, that is what my doctor said...."Do you realize you already have a death date? Hopefully your next one will be a long time from now." It's sobering, and humbling, but also wonderful that I can be able to say I made it through my first one. At any rate, I am understanding that more people were affected by learning of my experience than I thought. Friends. Neighbors. Clergy. Even some of my kiddos at school have heard from their parents or people in their neighborhoods or other adults, and they have been worried without me even knowing. I had a group of kids today that showed me just how distraught they were. It broke my heart and made me feel loved all at the same time. We had a big discussion about health and miracles and caring about people. Not a lot of reading was done, but a lot of learning and character growth was accomplished in that room-not only for those kids, but for me as well. There were a lot of feels in that room. It was an exercise of trust, respect, and care. We bonded. I'm grateful for it. I have always had an open heart, but that made it crack wide open. 

I realize that I frightened people. It was not by my own choosing, but it happened just the same. It scared me more than I can convey. It terrified me. It terrified my family. It showed me that God loves me and that I am strong in spite of all I have gone through. If you found out after the fact and it hurt you that you didn't know, I am sorry. I was literally in survival mode. If it scared you that you almost lost me, I am sorry, but I am here. I plan on staying as long as the Good Lord lets me. 

So, for now, I am taking each new day. Some days feel somewhat normal. Some days I can't get out of bed, or even catch my breath. Some days my heart acts up because my oxygen levels are low, and some days, my lungs are so happy because we have a green air day and I get to be outside for recess. Some days I get more done than others, and some days I'm lucky if all I do is make it through work. Most days I long for fresh ocean air on beautiful warm beaches, where I can soak up the moisture from the sea air and gulp in as much oxygen as my body can handle. But all days I am grateful. For life, for love, for friends. for miracles, for oxygen machines and doctors, and care. All days I am grateful for family, my job, my community, and my faith. All days, I count the miracles. All days I look UP....even when my body is dragging me down. All days I am grateful for ALL the things I CAN do. All days I love. All days I care. All days I want to be the good. All days I am grateful.

And as a post note, but not really, because it has touched all of us so deeply, THANK YOU. Thank you for making me feel worth your time and effort and love and offers. Thank you for calls and cards and food and texts. Thank you for checking on my family as well. Thank you for being the Lord's hands in helping to take care of my family and of me-for showing us the good. For being the Good. YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE. WE LOVE YOU.

Enough

The complaining part will be over quickly. I promise. 

I've had it. I am so tired. Tired of this virus, tired of ten days turning to three weeks to ten months. Tired of lies and misinformation. Tired of politics. Tired of finger pointing. Tired of guesses and cover ups and sickness. Tired of not seeing faces or feeling warm hugs. Tired of smiling and knowing you can't see that I am. Tired of loneliness. Tired of not living fully. 

I'm not the only one. The world is weary.          What I also am, though, is proud we have made it this far...through more than we thought we would have to. I am grateful for all the people who have tried to help and encourage and lift during this time-those who have tried to lighten the load instead of add to the burden and chaos. I am amazed at the faith and resilience of those around me-especially the children who follow us, trusting that the adults around them are making the best decisions for them.  This is such a foreign world that we have thrust them into-and just expected them to roll with it, while we bumble through decision making for "everyone's"  benefit-even though no one is the same. I am humbled by the kindness of those around me who are going through their own trials, yet reach out and offer even more than they have just to make the world around them better. That's what this is all about. How we will rise to this. That is the part that matters. I am touched by the care than has been given to me-by my family, my friends, co-workers, neighbors, and doctor-who, for the record goes above and beyond anything a doctor should have to-all for my benefit and well being. He is stellar, and I pray he is blessed for it. 

I like to think I have handled my part with grace and kindness. I have tried not to be vocal. I have been wary since the get-go. I knew the second I saw the protective measures we are being mandated to take that my life would take a turn and that I would suffer because of it. I did it anyway. My job and my kids at school have been worth it. I have tried to make sure the care I have for others in the world has been manifest as I have followed the mandates, though I collapse on a regular basis. But this is what you do if you are a good person. And I am. 

Send me an angel

So good I almost became an angel. I have had close calls and have experienced times where I worried about losing my life, but I have never actually had my father there waiting for me until last week. I had to tell him I wasn't ready. 3 times. As my dad, I know he understood because my Heavenly Father was the one who saved me along with all the people who worked on me physically to resuscitate me, inject life saving epinephrine into me, and stuff the right drugs into me until I could breathe. If I thought there was terror in being stung by a bee and wondering if I would live, this was no comparison as far as fear goes. It's not even apples to apples. It's apples to whales. I honestly thought my family would have planned a funeral and I would be one with the earth right now. I stopped breathing. I closed up. My lungs were in a vice grip. I couldn't take in air. I disappeared from my body and went dark. I was pulled back by quick thinking on Chad's part. He stuck with me the whole way through. But knowing I was being pulled from this life sent me into a panic attack like I have never before experienced (and I am very experienced with them!) I know being pulled from my family and all the people I love spurred more panic which resulted in a cycle that took over 24 hours to break. Today I feel like a horse is on my chest instead of an elephant. Toxic carbon dioxide build up. It's real. Builds up over time. Over months. It changed my life. Now I have decisions to make and plans to put into action to be able to stay alive while trying to live under these conditions. I'm not being dramatic. This experience was dramatic. Dramatic enough for me to be intensely frightened, and truly humbled. I don't have to make the drama up. It accompanied the experience in high volumes. 

I am not here to argue any issue. I am not here to change minds. But I knew from the first buzzword of mandated measures that my life was going to change-and not in a good way. I knew it would affect my health-both physical and emotional. I knew I would have to make sacrifices to stay at my job and stay in the world. I hate curbside shopping. I honestly don't love grocery shopping at all, other than the fact that I have the most amazing Walmart buddy, Meghan, to go with me. We laugh and bond and egg each other on every time we go shopping-and I miss it.  The physical freedom of being there in the store is something I miss. There is something wonderful in being able to walk through a store and realize, "oh-we are out of that" or "that would be useful in my life" or "that is a great deal" as opposed to making a list that someone else gathers for you and hope you remembered all the little things. I do, however, realize that it is a blessing to be able to get my groceries this way right now. It takes undue pressure away from my family  so I have to be grateful it is something that can happen. Rest assured I am looking for every blessing. I am blessed to be alive. Truly blessed. I have gathered every scrap of sunshine and hope that I can from this experience. It became the catalyst in me being able to get oxygen in my home to help offset the oxygen I am not getting if I am out and about. I am truly grateful for that.

Ending note.....oh that's a hard one. Gratitude for sure. Joy in being alive. Wariness in what is ahead and how I can become whole in this world we live in. To find good in all things for sure.  Always. 

And then there's the title. Enough. I have had enough of the crummy, selfish, sad, and heart-wrenching things that are going on in our world. But to that I say....enough!!!  I'm tired of just sitting. Quite literally. Stand up. Be kind. BE THE GOOD. When you have had enough, do something. DO something different. Move. Be grateful you can. I'll move with you. And I will be grateful. So grateful. I'm alive-yet again. So I am grateful.

What a Hole!

 

Is that this year or what? The never ending, enormous, soul stealing, hope sucking, exhausting hole-the pit of despair-2020. I have always thought it...not quite comical, but amusing at the end of each year when it is posted that 'this was the worst year ever' and the next year will be better. Yes, as a perpetual Sally Sunshine I honestly don't think I have ended a year thinking this was the worst one ever, but I might be persuaded to consider it this year. Even in my hardest times, the naïve positivity that persists in my tiny brain and huge heart makes me think that tomorrow, or even an hour from now will be better. Let's not call a whole year awful because awful things happened. But I'm kinda feeling like I have to concede a bit. 

Life is full of bumps and hardships. The good things are just a bonus. Getting through the muck in one piece can be hard. There are times it feels the world is just "spewing crap"....to coin the phrase of an acquaintance from India who was visiting and talking about our country. (And let me tell you, hearing him say this in his native accent was one of the greatest things I have ever heard. We still talk about it in our house to this day.) I get it. Politics, division, the (new) C word that makes me want to vomit because I have heard it so much (and YES, we have all had it, been through it, and come out the other side. I realize not everyone is so lucky.) Vaccinations, earthquakes, windstorms of epic proportions, mandates, divorce, arguments, not being able to get medical care for something that is NOT the C word. Human trafficking, injustice, name-calling if you don't side with the latest band-wagon, closures, job loss, depression, lies and cover-ups, riots, snowstorms that dump 5 feet and leave people in Japan stranded for over 40 hours on freeways.  40HOURS!!!!!!!!! Travel bans, loss of loved ones from the C word, loss of loved ones NOT from the C word. Shouting matches, shaming, "catching" people with phones and telling on neighbors...I know. Sounds like an apocalypse movie. Do I have your attention? Do you relate to any of those things? Wanna know best part, or actually the WORST part is in dealing with all this? We have been having to do it in isolation-without human touch, or even human expression, because now our expression is hidden. We don't even look at each other as we pass in the store. We are hidden. Some people, who were already lonely, are experiencing so much more isolation than we even grasp. It crushes my soul. The need to protect is real, but human touch is proving to be a greater need sometimes. I have a friend who died. Not from the C word. Her worst fear was never hugging her children again. And her worst fear was realized. She had not hugged her children for over 10 months when she passed away, alone, in her own home. Heart wrenching, no matter how it is handled.

I have myself only experienced some of those things, along with my own tricky trials. But I hate being alone. I hate loneliness, and we have created a world of perpetual loneliness. When I am alone with my thoughts, sometimes things feel worse than they really are. 

I am not going through trials while everyone else in the world sails on. The cross to bear is quite heavy for all. When you throw your own personal issues in, it gets real. Health, relationships, grief, money, time....it's a lot. Then there are the demons that haunt all of us. Why can't we shut the door on those and let them be done? I can't tell you the answer to that. We cling to our demons like a lifeline when we should be cutting the cord and then decimating them with a fervor that is unmatched. I have been successful in getting rid of some of my demons this year, if only because there has been way too much time to think. But the time gave me pause to think and work on some of those ghosts and lay them to rest.  It also took the help of heaven and inspired words from those around me. It does feel good to  have slayed some of those things that have haunted me through the years. There are more. There always are. So I soldier on. But as to an answer for how to put all of them to rest, well...let me know if you find a solution. The only thing I can say is sometimes it gets to a point when you don't just realize, but embrace and actually accept that the past is truly the past, and it is in your rear view mirror. You CANNOT, and I stress this CANNOT change the past. Once you realize this, slaying some of the demons becomes a tiny bit easier.                                        So there's a glimmer of hope to grab on to. Hope it helps a bit.

All in all, when it comes down to it, life is hard. No one has an easy road, even if it looks that way. Somehow, in many ways, humans have to experience the whole gamut of emotions and feelings. While it is not fun, one thing that holds great value that trials can produce is empathy. Sympathy is wonderful, but it produces bandwagons and followings that aren't always understood, and it feels great to belong to a cause and care. True empathy-feeling what another feels and experiencing things that someone else has produces an entirely new level of compassion and strength that you cannot get any other way. And while none of our experiences are exactly the same-how could they be....we are individuals... there are enough factors that can be similar enough to affect stirrings in our souls that say "I have been there.  Lean on me, because I understand how you feel." NOT I know  how you feel, but I understand. That creates love on a whole new level. And then you have evolved, and improved yourself in ways that we are meant to in this test called life. Progress is never all at once, and sometimes it is unbearably slow. But it can remain steady if we let it. That doesn't mean there won't be interruptions here and there. But in reality, none of us are happy if we aren't moving somewhere-and we are meant to move FORWARD. No one likes going backwards, while ruts and standstills are just as defeating. I have found the key in continually moving forward is knowing it won't be perfect. And understanding that every small movement forward is cause for joy. Every happy moment, every tiny blessing, every smile, every feel-good moment needs to be treasured and stored away so when we hit those ruts we have something to sustain us. Obviously having peeps and a village can add tremendously to our successes, so treasure those people and let them help you. Let them give you perspective and hope and bits of wisdom. I promise the hole will not seem nearly as big or oppressive if you gather your village and treasure each moment while looking to improve one tiny thing in the world around you. It ripples out. It makes a difference, and makes us crave more of the goodness, perpetuating all things good. Yes, even amidst the bad. 2021 has every potential to be better. And I am grateful. 

It's NOISY!

Holy Cow. I have wanted to write for so long now, but the world is excessively noisy and the last thing I want is for my words to be more noise. In reality, my writing is more for me to sort out my words and feelings; to stop the frenzy in my head and organize my emotions into cohesive and productive ideas.  The topics of the world have scared me off for some time.  But lately I have people ask me when my next blog will come into fruition. Because that means so much to me, and because I love my peeps, I feel the need to write-if only to show my care and gratitude. So here goes. 

Many people know that dinosaurs and dimes are very important to me. They are important for different reasons, but they both accomplish many of the same things for me. When I find one, or receive one, it shows me I am being watched over. My belief is that they show that God is mindful of me and that my earthly father who has since passed on, is watching over me as well. They bring me peace and hope and comfort. They are a light in a dark world. So I am on a continual search for dimes and dinosaurs. 

*to read about dimes and dinosaurs, and their importance to me, click here:  

https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2019/02/a-dime-for-your-time.html                  and

https://paisleyglasses.blogspot.com/2018/08/monster-is-relative-term.html

The world is hard right now. It is overwhelming for me a good part of the time. The complications in the world have added stresses and health issues that I am battling, but by the grace of God, I am surviving them.  The opportunity to be back at work, to provide reassurance and comfort for all my little elementary school kids, and interact with wonderful people who help me look for good, all go a long way in sustaining me. In fact, as I was sitting with one of my little reading groups the other day, I had a feeling of such contentment and happiness wash over me. I was enjoying the time with my kiddos so much that for the moment, the cares of the world had faded away. I am so blessed to be with these children. It truly gives me much needed strength. Add to that the incredible parents, faculty and staff I interact with and that's a blessing of epic proportions. 

Of course, as always, my peeps are key in my comfort. I am so blessed to have so many friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances in my every day to lift and bolster my spirit. And though I know how much I am blessed, it continually astounds me what I really DO have.

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a day. Yeah...one of those days. As I headed into work, I was struggling to put on a brave face and face the day with optimism. There were a few issues I knew I was going to have to address, but I wanted to exude light anyway. As I walked through the parking lot, I whispered a plea aimed heavenward, and asked my dad to help me find a dime that day. I promised to search everywhere I went, but to please let me find one so I knew I was being watched over. Well, I went about my day, made it through some hard and even uncomfortable things, and never found a dime, despite my extra efforts to do so.  

When I arrived home, I dove into the extensive list of chores I am never able to get through and I buried myself quickly. As I sat there with a bigger mess than I started with, I got a picture and a text from my mom that said. "Call me to talk about this." Grateful for the break from the chaos I had created, I called her up. She chatted for a minute, and then told me that she had been visited by one of my long-time friends, whom I had grown up next door to during my teenage years and early twenties.  She said he had walked over with something in his hand. He went on to tell her he had found it over a month earlier and had had the impression to give it to me. He didn't know why, just that he should. He talked of how he had almost taken it out of his truck, and gotten rid of it, but that something kept telling him that I needed it. At that point he opened his hand, and in it was a small, blue, plastic dinosaur. Again,  he said he wasn't sure why he was supposed to give it to me-he said the only reason he could come up with was that it must be the blue-and asked my mom if I still had a blue streak in my hair. 

Always the blue streak

My mom told him I do have the blue streak (and will keep it as long as I can maintain it) but that the dinosaur meant the world to me because, well, it's a dinosaur. He said, "But I thought dimes were her thing" my mom laughed and said, "Well they are, but so are dinosaurs. There's a whole story for it. Dinosaurs are very important to her family." At that moment my friend got teary eyed, glad that he had followed that prompting. I'm so grateful that he did. It is a treasure. It changed the course of my day, reassured my soul, and gave me light that I, in turn, will share with others. 

I have promised to type the entire Dinosaurs In The Mud story for him, but in the meantime, just know that in our family, finding a Dinosaur In The Mud is the finding the good in each day, even the hard day. It is recognizing the details that show us that someone-whoever you deem your higher power to be, (but for me...my God), is watching over you and aware of your needs and circumstances. I love finding dinosaurs. I love finding dimes. They give me great hope. Thanks, dad(s) for watching over me,  I am grateful. 

Thank you

Soul saving

Every Day is BLURSDAY

Where do I even begin?  I have started a blog post no less than a dozen times in the last month. I have tried. Several things happen simultaneously. ----The next disaster occurs, I find myself worrying about which topic I should cover, and then every thought I ever had leaves my brain. No matter how fast I try to catch even one of those thoughts, they vanish into thin air making me dazed and confused. From then on, it’s “what day is it?”, “what was I supposed to do?”, “what is my name again?" It's like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks! There's a very low chance I could actually do that-it's nearly impossible. But I still keep trying to catch the meandering thoughts from all together escaping. 

 

I’m quite sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. Humans are in overload. From mothers homeschooling 3 kids in 3 different schools to people going in to try to teach kids with masks in very warm conditions and follow all the crazy instructions, to trying to build a savings account, to loss of loved ones, to job loss and shortages, to trying to understand what is really happening in this world and what is not...it’s a handful. Add to that new disease (yes, find your own ailment) Coro-quak-eriot-fira-hurrica-nocoina-feari-maski-canemia, and you’re dealing with a lot more. And that's just IN ONE WEEK! Then you buckle in for the next thing that will most certainly hit!

I'm a go-getter, especially about things I know I can do or accomplish. I don't always have faith in myself, though I do have persistence and a belief that if the Lord wants me to do it, He will provide a way. But I do have to hit my reset button much more than I am used to. Where I have always had my cry or my breakdown  once or twice a month, right now it can be several times in one day. I can't describe the things I worry about now. SO many of them are much bigger in my head than they really are, but my brain is on overload, so my heart goes on overload as well. I'm serious. Between oxygen deprivation, stress and worry about literally EVERYONE, there has not been a day in months that I don't have severe chest pains. How would I ever know if I was having a heart attack? It feels like one every day. But I know a majority of the world can relate right now. We are all on high alert. For the next event. For the next bandwagon. For the next plague or natural disaster, riot, change, argument, fear, mismanagement, misunderstanding, accusation, or interruption. And it is HEAVY. For everyone. 

I was pondering much of this during an especially hard week. We had some traumatic/dramatic, life-altering events this week that really threw us off course (although we have been off for quite some time already.) I literally didn't know how I was going to make it from one minute to the next. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...I have truly been in a "what day is it" frame of mind all week. And it's not over. But here's the bright side. You wanted extra time in your week-well I have a new day to give you..BLURSday! Isn't that perfect?  I have Blursday every day. I can't say my mind is any more at ease but it's fun to say. 

AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD....with that being said, I'm still Heather. Yes. there is a ton happening with me. It is hard. It's not fun. I am trying to be brave and tell others not to worry about me. Being Heather, it makes me feel better to check on everyone else. To offer my love and service and candles and food and comfort. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I will be the first one to tell you I will NEVER reach perfection. But I want to give nonetheless. So let me first apologize for the people I haven't gotten to. I have really really tried. I am just not Wonder Woman, as much as I long to be. It doesn't mean you are not on my mind and in my prayers. I know I can't fix your life for you but hopefully I can show you that you are cared for and thought about and prayed for, and that you are valued by me. I hope you feel some of God's love through my care for you, because I know that is a mission in my life-to share His love by giving all of mine. Then we get to the next part...

I absolutely know that I love hard. I love readily, easily, and at all costs. I am ALL in. While I will never apologize for loving, I will apologize for overloading you with my love. I don't EVER want anyone to question or doubt my love. Sometimes it comes on strong and sometimes it might feel intense-but it's genuine and I give it because it's what I know. I realize sometimes people need space and time to feel things out on their own, and I think that is a good skill to have. If that happens, I will still love you just as hard. But I respect your feelings.  I work on myself constantly to be the kind of person that makes the world a better place. I have read a multitude of books and listened to speakers who help me realize what to ADD to love to make my relationships even better.  I read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend and this struck me: "Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that God has fashioned in His own image is at the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and allow it to flow outward are crucial to this life." I LOVE THAT! Yet I also realize "When we accept others freedom to make choices we don't feel guilty or angry or withdraw our love when others set their boundaries. When we accept others freedom, we feel better about our own."  I am trying desperately to realize this. And I am soaking up as much as my jumbled mind will let me. I'm doing the best I can. I may not read you perfectly, but I will give it my best shot. We've GOT to stick together during these crazy times so we can get back to normal-NOT a new normal. That isn't even an option. We need our normal back. And I'm going to keep pushing for it. Together is the only way. 

So what at is the purpose of all this rambling? Easy. The world is hard. There's still good. You are loved. By me. By God.  I respect your choices and what you need. I am always here for you-accessible even if I don't respond immediately. I will get to you and you will know you can count on me.  If not physically at that moment,  at least in my heart  until I do get there. There is always room for you. And I am grateful.