WHY BOTHER

The urge to blog has been nipping at my heels for weeks now.  I quite enjoy  writing,  and authoring a blog is a wonderful processing tool for me-but each time I start a post, I rely heavily on inspiration to understand what it really is that I need to say. Though I concentrate to be able to relay critical thoughts in my brain, my processor is slow and sluggish. Maybe it's bogged down with too much input right now. I can't seem to focus on any one line of thought,  and it's making me worry. I feel like a pot that is boiling over; each thought rolling over into a hundred others, then evaporating like droplets of water landing on a hot stove. Little snippets and ideas come to the surface with such speed that I can't define them before they are gone again. I cannot gather my thoughts and emotions into any cohesive arrangement, so as I struggle to articulate the reflections of my heart and mind, I worry that maybe there is just nothing left for me to say. That scares me. I feel I am just beginning to find my voice. It can't be over yet, can it? I want to make a difference. I want to  give perspective. I want to help the world understand that the little things matter, that love can save the world, and that there is always, always hope.

I have always been quiet. It is only in recent years that I have been able to put my innermost feelings and opinions out into the world-and I know my blog has helped to open that door. I knew exactly when I needed to start my blog, and I knew why. I began with only a few views. While I do not write for numbers, I admit that each time I see another one of my blogs has been viewed, I always hope that a heart has been touched. I feel I write much better than I speak.

But now, I feel I can't write either. Does that mean I have used up my purpose in writing?  Is my ability to affect the hearts and minds of the people out there obsolete?  Do I make a difference? Is my desire to share my love not worth the time anymore? Am I too repetitious in the things that I say? I don't know. I just don't know. And I think to myself....why bother?


Then I remember. I remember my promises. I remember my mission. I remember my job...my purpose....to spread love and light. My readership is down. I have a hard time finding time and energy to put out a blog. I wonder who I reach, or if I reach anyone at all. But I said I would do it. If I touch one person-just to make that person smile, or feel understood, or give them strength to go on...it's worth it.  It's worth it to me-whether anyone else wants to know what I have  to say or not. It helps ME to go on. It helps me to process. It makes me feel like I have made the effort to do my part. I do it with love.

The thing that helps me the most is that whenever I begin to doubt my responsibility, I  ALWAYS recieve confirmation that someone needed to hear what I was prompted to say. A note, a comment, a text or re-post...somehow I am blessed with reassurance from another soul. I can't tell you what that does for a self-doubter like me! It changes the game every time. I have said before that I listen to heaven and listen to my heart to know what to write about. It delights me to the core when I get feedback that I was a good listener-that I followed the prompting and it made a difference to someone. Anyone.

So, as usual, I am grateful. Grateful for affirmations, for promptings, and for ability to follow through. I am grateful that I am spurred on to "bother" with the things I do, and that there are people who actually care enough to listen. I am grateful as well that regardless of who reads my words, I always gain something from writing them. Perspective, insight, love for mankind, acknowledgement of blessings, and reassurance of my purpose. Most of all, I am grateful for you. You, the reader. You, who gives me reason to bother. You, who support me. You, who love me. Thank you. Yes. I am grateful.

GOTTA HAVE IT

I was born with it. It is part of me whether I want it or  not (and I ALWAYS do.) I couldn't stop it if I tried to.  It's an integral part of my  makeup.  I can't escape it. I don't want to. It is ever present and very persistent even in the worst of times. I'm proud to own it and grateful I was blessed with it. It has saved me. It has caused some to mock me. But it is my gift and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is FAITH.

Faith in God. Faith in good. Faith in miracles. Faith in happy outcomes. Faith in magic and things that are unexplainable. Faith in Santa Claus, Sasquatch, unicorns and fairies. Faith in people. Faith that people can change. Faith in silver linings, life changing instances,  angels on earth, and that life should be lived to its FULLEST. Faith in promises. Faith that there is beauty in ALL things.

Faith in this rising generation

But my whole life, the one thing have struggled immensely and intensely to have faith in....is me.

I have always tried to convince myself it is humility. It's good to be humble, right? In truth it can be a character flaw, and there have been times I drive people crazy with my self doubt. I don't mean to. I have worked on trying to believe in myself for as long as I can remember. I have 2 tanks for fuel-one of them is enormous...it is full of purpose and light, all ready to hand out and distribute to everyone around me. The other tank is small. I think it's expandable but it doesn't get a ton of use. It's very hard for me because I don't have a very big tank to store any of my achievements or good outcomes in. So they don't last very long. The first time I tender a faux pas or face disappointment in myself, my meter returns to zero and leaves me starting from scratch to build my reserves again. I am not complaining. I am so very blessed with moments and people that work towards showing me what I am capable of and what my talents and qualities are. But I am the first to admit that I forget them too easily.

You see, when I see you, when I see any human, from any walk of life, I see potential beyond anything you can imagine. I see hope, I see good, I see talent. I see a person who can change the world. You tell me anything bad about yourself...I can counteract it with a redeeming quality. You act out of line, and I will find a reason you may be acting that way, and try to help you work for a better way so that you can be who you are meant to be. Some call it making excuses. I call it seeing the good. Some call it pandering. I call it having faith. I have faith in the human race. Because I have so much in everyone around me, I guess sometimes it's hard for me to believe there is any left for me. So I doubt. I feel small. I feel insignificant. And for the most part I am content with that. I am content to let others have the spotlight. I am content to stand in the background and lend support. But I realize that balance is needed in life and I, too, have to find something good and redeemable in myself or my purpose has no meaning. If I can't place faith in myself, what benefit will I be to others? To be credible, I have to walk the walk. So I search.

The amazing thing about having faith in a loving God is that it lends me with the knowledge that He is working on my behalf and wanting my success. Because of this, He sends angels and experiences to help me catch glimpses of who I can be-I can see a small part of what He sees in me with the acts of kindness and hope that He sends to me every day. It never fails that when I am at the end of my rope, feeling hopeless and alone, I am lifted by another of my fellow amazing humans, who I see the best in every day. Someone invariably comes along to lend a hand, shower me with love, give words of encouragement and comfort, and light the way for me to see myself the way my loving Father in Heaven would want me to. Just as I want my children to see all the good in themselves, He wants each of us to see the good He places in us as well.

The last two years, especially, have been hard and disconcerting. I have to rebound often and rally as quickly as possible. I am surrounded by many who face tough things in every aspect of life. I want to be part of the lifting and healing and building back up. And daily, constantly, moment by moment, I receive fragments of hope. Angels attend me. The good in me is pointed out. Belief in me is expressed. Then I pay it forward. And of course, I am grateful.

Pieces of hope and love that fill my soul and give me faith.

PITCH BLACK

It's been awhile. I've been  wandering around in a fog for a bit. Life came at me and tried to drag me under the current, but I have stayed above water and I'm back. It was pitch black for a minute there, but the things that provide light for me prevailed, and once again, I am on the hunt for all things light and good.

Meghan and me at the Twenty One Pilots concert-
soaking in their light 

When I look around at this ever darkening world of ours, I wonder how much more light there is to gain. It's getting harder each time to ignite the match that keeps my pathway lit. It seems the world itself is giving up. There's a somberness over the land. So many people I know can feel it. We talk about ways around it. We wonder what is happening. We wonder how to combat it. Darkness is seeping in every crack, through every groove in the pavement, into the empty places in the hearts of people. And the crazy part? It is WE who have the power to stop it. If we will.

The other night I was flipping through the channels looking for Christmas movies. I survive on Christmas movies at this time of year. The Hallmark Channel is my best friend right now. I'm a sap. I LOVE a happy ending. Because they really do happen. Much of what we do dictates our endings. It doesn't mean things won't get in the way, but fighting the fear of darkness will always uncover the light. At any rate, I came across Rise of the Guardians- which is one of my favorite movies anyway, because A) Santa is in it and B) I believe I am a Guardian. I was enchanted as I watched it, but no scene in the entire movie strikes my heart like the one where Pitch is defeated and the Guardians and the children use their light to turn their fears and nightmares into good dreams and wondrous visions.  IT HEALS MY SOUL. ***For those who haven't seen it, do so immediately, and know that the Boogeyman (Pitch) uses fear to turn good dreams to nightmares. Spoiler alert~when he's defeated,  it's somewhat dramatic. 

Because I am Heather, of course this scene had me crying like a baby. I love it when good wins. I love it when light defeats darkness. I love seeing what faith and belief and hope can do in a world that is full of despair. I was completely delighted by the children touching the nightmares and turning them back into wonderful dreams and fascinations. Though I have seen this movie dozens of times, it reached deeper into my heart than it ever has before because I realized that every single one of has the power to take what is on front of us-whether good or difficult or scary or mean , and change it into something helpful and good and kind and even wonderful.

Memories of Sarah Jane and the GOOD that is in those memories

The magic of the human heart has always been something important to me, but in this world it is one of my lifelines. The magic is that the heart can grow. It is never out of capacity. It can heal. It can give. It can warm. IT CAN CHANGE. With our hearts, we can control how we act, how we react, who we love, how we love, how to give, and whether we can change the bad to good. The power source is right in our own bodies, right inside the cage that protects it. Protection is good, but while fences keep bad out, they can also prevent good from coming in. And we need more good.

So this holiday season, amidst the chaos and ugliness, the perception of commercialism and the sadness that can invade our lives, try reaching out and touching the pitch black and see if you can't use your light to bring a bit of happiness back in. Change those nightmares to good dreams and feelings. Use your magic to change the world. I'll do it with you. And I will be grateful. Merry Christmas!

#DinosaursInTheMud that show me just a little light can change everything

Monkeys on My Back

Do you ever stop and think to yourself, " Maybe things have calmed enough in my life that I can breathe for just a second!", and then out of nowhere the next thing to disrupt your life comes swooping in, making you wonder why you ever thought you'd get away from the circus? You know that saying, "Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys"? I have recently come to realize that many times it is my circus, and my monkeys, and that even the clowns and wild animals are mine as well!!

Without detailing the past weeks of my life for you, I will  paint a picture for you. I have had dozens of people approach me in all forms of communication to ask my why I haven't blogged in so long. It has been 6 weeks and people are worried, or are in need of a blog post. That makes me feel good, so let me first say thank you for asking. I LOVE blogging. It is an outlet for me. I am in a constant state of processing millions of things at a time and my mind gets jumbled with promptings and worries and since I don't sleep, the process is steady for me. Writing helps me settle and release some of my worries so I can move on to the next ones. It is therapy for me, but sometimes I know what I write is not for me at all, but for someone else who needs it. The fact of the matter is that I used my writing that would have been used in my blog to write a letter for someone who needed it. The process was the same-gathering thoughts, praying about them, pondering, and hoping the thoughts I was having and the way in which I presented them would be the right ones to help the very loved person I was trying to help. I think I got it right. I hope so. I needed to.

So thank you for your patience in waiting for me. I'm still here, and while I still draw breath and am able to feel the next blog in my soul, I will continue as often as I can. Thank you for supporting me and loving me, and making me feel needed.

In the meantime, here is a glance at small pieces of my life for the last 6 weeks. Though they have been busy, as always, I'm grateful!

Holding this beautiful creature
and admiring God's handiwork.

I got to participate in parent-teacher conferences for 3 days. It
was a delightful experience and made me even more grateful for the
little lives I get to be a part of every day.

Primary Teachers!

Miss Heather with the blue streak.

A depiction of me holding one of my "dinosaurs in the mud" done by
a beautiful artist

Some of the delightful things I get to experience as Miss Heather. I love it
that the kids know me by my blue streak. When I walk into kindergarten they say,
"The Reading Fairy is here!"

My Christmas Present to my family. We have a room
downstairs that we decorate for Christmas in October. It
is our respite, our escape, our comfort and peace. This year
Meghan and I decided it needed something extra, especially in
honoring my dad and Sarah Jane at our family's FAVORITE time of the year.
Here is my rug with Santa. It completes the room because hidden in the brickwork
behind Santa, there is the Christ child and his family on the very first Christmas-the
reason we celebrate it all. I think my family in Heaven is happy with our choice. 

Spreading dinosaurs around the world
#DinosaursInTheMud

Cloudscapes

Admiring God's artistic abilities

My weekly get together with my favorite Walmart buddy-she takes her
lunches to shop with me so I don't have to face Walmart alone!

Comforting the people I love

Bleaching my hair so I can re-dye the blue....freaking out in the
process that my blue streak is missing, but realizing the purple left in
my hair is Sarah Jane's favorite color, and finding peace after all.
But the Blue Streak is coming back. I find I can't live without it. 

Getting ready to go with Meghan to bask in the light of 
these boys in a couple of weeks. Love it that these boys get it.
There is so much they understand...

Attending a magical lantern festival with my family and honoring the ones we miss.

Realizing how short life is, and understanding
all I want to accomplish with it. I found this
posted on Facebook and it took my breath away.