LOST

Searching for that silver lining

Where is hope? I hear so many of the people I love wonder where hope is. I am a positive person. I love light, I love joy, I love people. I love spreading sunshine. But I see that hope is getting harder to find. It's definitely not on the news or in the streets of rioting towns. It's not in Olympic doping scandals or plagiarism theories, or presidential candidates. It's not in human selfishness. It's not in corporate ladder climbing. It's not even in the ways humans feel they have to interject themselves into EVERY situation they see...just because they can.

 

Not okay. Leave the poor baby alone!

Hope is elusive these days. I don't remember the last time I saw the flag waving when it wasn't at half-mast. Fires, flooding, hysteria, speculation, division, finger-pointing....my heart just can't take it sometimes.

Last night I, like an idiot, turned on the news. I felt myself sinking into despair faster than an elephant in quicksand. Honestly I was looking for a little hope to grab onto with all the political nonsense in our country...a positive, happy direction. Not so much.

Then I got on Facebook. I know, I know...really? Like that would make me feel better? Guess what? It did. This was the first thing on my feed:

My unsuspecting friend changed the whole course of my thought process...(yesterday, more than once)...right on Facebook. It was an inspired move. It took me from the fearful, anxious, worried and not so positive road I had started to head down and immediately had me looking for good again. Silver linings, happy endings, kind deeds, all that feel-good stuff. I'm finding hope.

Hope is in the sun coming up. Hope is in spending 4 days with family you haven't seen for 6 years, and having your heart hurt when it's time to leave them because you'll miss them so much.

Hope is in a wise daughter talking eternal principles with you for hours on end. Hope is seeing said daughter take friendship into her own hands and spreading the love you have taught her to give. Hope is having your other daughter continually bring up the goodness in others, and sharing her lightness of spirit with the world.  Hope is finding friends that you thought were lost forever.

Hope is having another wonderful friend with a huge heart reach out as a beacon of hope with a message for all:

Hope is a good Samaritan...or two, or more.

Hope is knowing there is always someone out there who understands what you are going through, and will listen to you-anytime, anywhere.  Hope is knowing there are new beginnings. Hope is knowing the past is behind you but it can help you build a future. Hope is knowing that you are loved regardless of that past.

Hope is a fresh, sweet strawberry. Hope is a passport in the mail. Hope is the promise of going to a movie. It's knowing there are miracles. It's knowing someone loves you.

I love my peeps. I love my life. I love finding hope. I am grateful!

SHOCKING (I know!)

I did something so completely out of character today. I'm still shaking from it. Most of my shaking is from excitement, but I am still in shock just a bit. Today I was brave.


Our excitement for the day-checking out which lounger is the most plush.





I love adventure. I love trying new things. I am almost always happy after trying something new. But getting the nerve to do said new thing is something else entirely. I am more apt to try something new if I have a good plan and know what to expect. I like familiarity. I like parameters. As much as I tease Chad for all his research, I like to do a little myself when I am doing something new. That being said, too much information sends me into overload. When I had heart surgery, Chad spent hours learning about every detail of my procedure. I just needed basics. Basically I needed to know where they were going in, what they needed to do to my heart, and the expected outcome. Anything beyond that gave me anxiety. But that's another story...


For the past 6 months I have had a new obsession, and a nerdy one at that. I am a plane watcher. There is a little island called St. Maartin over in the South Eastern Caribbean. On the Dutch side of the island  is the Princess Julianna Airport. It has an unusually short runway, making the landing of planes quite a spectacle. I discovered a webcam there and I have been watching planes land ever since. My favorites are the 747s. When those huge beasts come in for a landing, it looks like they are going to scrape half the beach and its inhabitants with it. It's incredible to watch those planes bumble in so low and then somehow regain grace while screeching to an abrupt halt before the end of the runway. I can't get over it. I'm embarrassed at how many times I have been caught ogling the webcam.

http://mahobeachcam.com/

I have told my family (and pretty much anyone else that will listen) that my number one must have bucket list item is to be on that beach when a 747 lands. We've said someday we'll go.

On Sunday I found out that this fall the 747 landings will be suspended. I cried.

Then my wonderful Chad said, "Heather, this is your only must do bucket list item. Maybe you ought to see if there's any way we could swing it."  Keep in mind we are planning a cruise next summer after Meghan graduates. But I checked (mostly my bank account). I looked, then I booked. Yes, me, I booked. I pushed that little green "Complete Purchase" button. We're going.

YES, WE ARE GOING! In 6 weeks! With hardly a plan and only a little information. Literally flying by the seats of our pants in a whirlwind trip of flying for two straight days (to and from) to be there for one big whopper of a 747 landing and the realized dreams of a nervous little girl in Utah. I am so excited I can hardly breathe when I think about it. I'm going to go LIVE. This time I'm not waiting for life to hand me something great. I'm going to go get it. I'm taking my family with me. And I'm grateful.

It's Slippery!

****Disclaimer**** I have had an interesting array of experiences in my lifetime; many of which I have had to learn and grow from. From time to time I get asked by individuals or entities to share in my blogs some of the lessons and experiences I have so that others can gain perspective for situations they are in that might be similar to mine. These blogs are not to be related in any way to specific people or present position. Any parallel is coincidental. Most of the time :)

 

I love it that there is always time to learn a new lesson or at least revisit it . This lesson I have learned before but sometimes it comes back in a whole new light. I've appreciated the reminder.

I love people. I see the good immediately. It's there...in EVERYONE,  EVERY time...whether they see it in themselves or not. I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt. I think goodness can be compounded and magnified.

When I see you, I see your goodness, I see your potential, I see your greatness. I love it that I can see that. I also acknowledge that it clouds my judgment.

I have let my love for people and the goodness I see in them put me in awkward situations for as long as I can remember. When I see good, I love that feeling. I get excited. I get carried away. The people pleaser in me wants to reach out to the goodness in another and build upon it. Many a time I have let that high of riding on goodness place me in predicaments where I was no longer taking care of myself because my interest in pleasing others came first. I have let others take advantage of my kindness. My tendency to see the best has more than once clouded any other characteristics that person might have...their tendency to control, or ignore, or belittle, or take endlessly.  Let's put this right out there- I LET  people treat me badly.  Often. I make excuses for their behavior. I tell myself I deserve it, or I think, "well I have changed and grown up-surely they have too".  I wonder if I will hurt their feelings if I don't do what they want. It doesn't mean that person is bad. It means I have set habits up in letting someone treat me as less than they should. They are used to the habit-I am used to the habit. If the habit isn't recognized, it is continued. To be sure, there really are people who don't realize they are treating others badly. They are just getting what they want. I know, I know....making excuses again.

This is a slippery topic for me, because I refuse to see the bad in  others. I want to see the good. I want a happy world. I want good to shine. But...and here's the kicker...I need it to shine in ME as well. If I am letting someone else steam-roll over me and take away my decisions, my light will dim a little. I need all the light I can get.

So the lesson here is to keep seeing good. Keep giving, keep encouraging, keep magnifying, keep multiplying the good. But keep balance as well. It has taken me 46 years, but I am finally starting to sometimes  see the path that I am headed down and recognize that I got myself there. I am finally learning to stop where I am, realize that I am letting my light be clouded, and KINDLY stepping away from the clouds-or at least taking a break from the cloudiness. With the help of those in my life who love me and see MY good, I am finally understanding it's okay to take care of me and keep some of those decisions in my hands. That makes me grateful.

Got Some 'Splainin to Do

I love the Internet. I love having a way to research, keep in touch, entertain myself, and find useful information. And SHOP. Shopping's my favorite. It's amazing that we are in a "Star Trek" age. I will know we are finally there when I can walk up and order a taco from a machine (like Captain Picard ordered Earl Grey tea.) I understand technology, I use it often. I am quite able to navigate any computer, though it might take a little time for me to process what needs to be done, I can get there.

Phones, however, throw me off. I have never liked the phone to begin with. I clearly remember sitting at the dinner table as a child and my dad starting to say the prayer on the food. The phone rang. He waited until it stopped ringing and started the prayer again and....the phone rang. This happened 3 more times before my dad calmly stood up and in one smooth kung-fu action kicked the phone right off the wall. He sat back down and said the entire dinner prayer, and then proceeded to eat. I think it became clear to me early on that although the phone is a wonderful communication tool, it is also an interruption. I tease people that if they talk to me on the phone they must be very special.

But back to phones, it took Chad and I years to break down and get cell phones. It took him traveling out of the country to finally submit to getting them. I love being able to access my family more easily. I do not know how my parents were able to stay sane between my teenage antics and not being able to track me down and make sure I wasn't getting into trouble (and sometimes I was.) Add to that them wondering if I had died somewhere because I didn't make curfew, and I am amazed they let me go out at all. I love the security of knowing my children have made it somewhere safely. I don't trust the world. I'm grateful modern technology has provided me with a way to stay calmer when my family is away from me. Other than that, cell phone savvy eludes me. This frustrates me because I am not a stupid person. I am competent in pretty much every other area of my life. BUT...I am the person that by just touching my phone I can call 13 people accidentally, send 42 emoticons unintentionally, and send random texts to half my contact list. I am the person who can not only butt call, I can front pocket call, purse call, fall down call and phone charging call in the blink of an eye. I can hang up on you just by trying to answer my phone. Then I get flustered and it gets worse. Then I try to explain what happened to whomever I have victimized with my lack of phone etiquette. By that time they are done and I just want to hide under a rock. And don't get me started on my migraine days. People at my work always know when I have a migraine because I text them and everything I say is garbledygook. I am now at the point that my co-workers ask me to just put down my phone and go to bed. It's embarrassing. A few months ago I accidentally texted Meghan at school-from my pocket. She received something like  "MWUBCKHOWUPV<:"V
S
"KKDJVUYD>?V"PJBD<OI_
LKLHK<_(R{#OF"KS"|EILKNMSN
}PR|>DN>PCOI"EL)
|<HOELJKF>K:OUP
....and I started receiving texts like "Are you okay? Do you have migraine medicine? Do you need me to call dad to come get you?"  I felt bad. I kinda scared her. And I did it all on accident.
But then again, look what you can do on a cell phone....

...entertaining, right? Or embarrassing.

To be sure, this day and age holds many blessings, and yes, cell phones are one of them. I am pretty sure I think of them much differently than most people. I still have a land line because I don't completely trust the reliability of cell phones. I still feel like my cell phone is my own private number and don't want my number broadcast to every Bob, Tom and Susie out there. I lose my cell phone often and don't really access the internet from it because I would rather have a computer screen to browse with than a 3 1/2 X 2 inch screen to try to decipher from. I really appreciate texting and that it can get a message to someone quickly when time is short. I love it that I have a camera that is ready-if I can find my phone. I love it that someone was inspired to create these helps for the human race. Just don't judge the whole human race by my phone adeptness. (Because I have none.) If you have my cell phone number, you really are special. And if you don't hear from me, please be patient. I will get to you. Once I find my phone. You may get random emoticons, but I will do my best to show you I care. I will try to believe that phones are a blessing. And be grateful.

Tough Stuff

There are people out there that feel if you let emotion show, you are weak. They think that loving and feeling makes you vulnerable. "Don't cry."  "Don't let it get to you. " "Never let your pain show." "Forget about _____________. You're better off without him/her/them." I get the idea of living this way, but I don't embrace it. Yes, it's because I care deeply and yes, I am an emotional person-a crier. But because I am, I know it takes a lot more strength to deal with emotions than bury them.

One of my greatest blessings and strengths is that I FEEL. Sometimes the amount that I feel is staggering and the weight of my feeling can be a burden (and then it can feel like a curse.) But I would rather feel than not care. I think that feeling makes you feel alive. I think it can build you in ways that nothing else can. That being said, I realize every person is different, and everyone deals with things in their own way. But choosing to feel doesn't make someone weak. It makes them CARE.

 

Humans care about a lot of things. Truly caring takes real character. Do you care about being right, or that the other party is happy? Do you care about the child/human/animal/cause, or do you care about who to blame? Do you care about winning, or playing the game right? Do you care about the pain someone caused you or do you care about forgiving them and healing your soul, hoping that they can do the same? Do you care about tearing something down, or building something up?

That's a lot of tough stuff-takes a lot of strength to care. I would never presume to have it all down, or even be good at it, but I'm more of a "taking the hard route and caring" than a "stuffing it in a corner and forgetting it" kind of girl. When you impact my heart you own real-estate there....forever. I have lots of acreage and many lots that have already been claimed, but there's plenty more. This property is endless and I accept potential tenants regularly. I will say that sometimes for the purpose of self-preservation,  I have to fence off some of those occupied lots. Sometimes people vacate my life, or decide that the view in my heart is not something they want. But if I have loved you  and let you into my heart, the property is still yours, though cordoned off it might be. Every person who owns a piece of my heart has impacted it and left me with a life lesson, whether good or bad and I am grateful for each lesson I learn. I'm kinda proud of the traffic that that parades through my heart. Shows me I love, shows me I care, and makes me very human.

Escape

 

Last week my family and I ran away. We left the state and all our responsibilities behind. None of us were allowed to post on social media where we were. We needed to escape.

We tried this in April during our spring break and things did not work out. Family issues, medical emergencies, and personal traumas kept us from leaving right then, so when we got the chance to "use or lose" this vacation, we were more than ready.

I LOVE flying!

I feel like I have a good life. I have everything I need and pretty much anything that I really want. I am surrounded by good people. I have a wonderful, fulfilling job. I am married to my true love.  I have a darling, loving family. I am blessed. But this world freaks me right out. The issues that surround us right now just absolutely blow my mind sometimes. First there are the media hyped  headlines of human trafficking, public bathroom "rights", deciding which idiot gets to ruin our country after the next election,  whether a gorilla's life is more important than a child's life, the list goes on and on. And humans feed like we are starving, jumping on bandwagons and socially hanging anyone who thinks differently than we do. Then there are our own, personal matters to contend with. Everybody has got their own stuff; sickness, relationships, job stress, money matters....you name it. Find your own problem to fill in the blank. We've all got stuff. Well, I've kinda had it with stuff. Especially the stuff that doesn't need to make it into my box of worries. The stuff that wasn't mine to begin with. The stuff that is none of my business (whether a parent was watching a child closely enough-I wasn't there-it's none of my business to judge that.) So having had enough, I ran, and I took my family with me.

Mustang Convertible? Yes, please!

We had a GLORIOUS time. We focused on family and the incredible things in the world around us. We put our phones down, we took lots of walks, we visited historical sites, we relished our escape. I'm a little blue to be home where the phone is still ringing, things break down, there's not enough time in the day, and not enough kindness in the world. That  makes me want to run away again, but I am still so grateful I got a little break from all those things. It helped recharge my spirit and gave me a little bit of energy to keep moving forward. Now my escape each evening is into my back yard to my little peaceful gazebo where the world can't touch me-at least for a few minutes. It makes me realize that I need to make time to escape more often. Maybe I need to leave that "one last chore" for another day and take time to inhale, so that I can breathe a little better when tomorrow's struggles come at me. Escaping helps me to gain perspective. It helps me to be grateful. Find your escape and use it often. Save your sanity.

Stress Overload

Last night I thought I was having a heart attack. I have heart problems so that may be in the cards for me someday, but it took me by surprise to feel that amount of pain in my chest. Turns out it was a Charlie horse-in the left side of my chest over my heart. I have been doing weights again after taking a few years off from it. I think that's what set it off. But the stresses in my life right now could have done it as well.

Doing Fine and Grateful for it!

EVERY single person I know right now is dealing with huge things. That is life, and the further I get into adulthood, the more I realize that the stresses get bigger, last longer, and keep coming.  After a little melt down in front of my boss today, I was forced to confront the fact that some of the stresses in our lives are self induced. Don't get me wrong, life comes at you fast, and some stuff just happens. Tragedies and trials can just show up out of nowhere and make themselves right at home. Poop happens. That's all there is to it.

There are quite a few times when the unkindness of others causes me great stress. I  pray that I am never that mean person, and if you should ever view me as this way, by all means call me out on it. I will do my best to remedy the situation. For all practical purposes my goal in life is to teach my children that there will always be someone to deal with that is behaving in a way we don't understand, and I will encourage them to take the high road and try to be kind regardless. I will do my best to be a person who is kind and understanding. That being said, the dynamics between people that I care about and people who tend to act mean will continue to stress me out. I'm working on that. And I do concur that "thoughtless" is not the same thing as "mean".

As far as the things we do to stress ourselves out, I think that most of us realize at least some of those things in our lives. Over-scheduling, procrastinating, over-thinking, over-analyzing...that kind of thing. I am good at taking on problems that are not mine and trying to help or figure them out. I have also been known to take a frustration that I have and even though it is not in my control to change it, I let it bug me. These are two of the things that were nagging in the back of my mind while my boss sat there and patiently waited for me to quit babbling and pull myself together. Some of the issues that had me worried today were physical things I am dealing with and big, heavy worries about people in my life that I care about. These were rational things to be worried about, as I care about my health and the well being of others. The other things on my mind were either things that I had agreed to do and was worrying about (over-booking myself) or things that someone higher than myself had the power over, when I had no power over them at all. In other words, I made some of those stresses myself, and the other stresses were not ones I needed to be worried about just then.

I learned a lot today. I will allow that I will probably do the same dumb things over and over again...I am a kind person (a yes-girl as well) and someone who worries about others. But realizing habits will sometimes spark at least a little change that can keep getting bigger if we let it. Hopefully I have started down the road of understanding which stresses to allow myself to carry, and be able to start weeding out the other stuff. Yeah-rrriiiiiiigggghhhtttt.

From the playground, one of my favorite hours of my day.

The silver linings always lead to sunshine.

One last note; in nearly every situation that I was worried about today, I either gained perspective, it worked itself out, someone lent a hand to make it better, or I felt a blessing from Heaven to make the trial a little bit smaller for the time being. I am grateful for the tender mercies through any stress. I hope to be one to someone else during theirs.