All-time Friendship

I have wanted to write a friendship post for a long time but haven't been sure how to word what I feel. I was just writing a thank you note to a friend of mine and on the front it says "A Friend Loves at All Times". That is my exact take on friendship. If I have ever loved you, you are my friend. Whether we see each other or not, whether our friendship was good for us or not, whether there was a falling out or not, whether we live close or are far apart, my love still stands and you are my friend. Whether or not you are a friend to me does not matter; I have loved you, and you are my friend.

Dear friends

I have finally learned that the main ingredient in friendship is love. Love is a gift. It is free with no strings attached. Trust has strings attached and it is earned, but love is a freebie. The heart loves, even if the brain wants otherwise. So if you are my friend I will NOT say..."well, I will only love you if you agree with me, or never hurt my feelings, or as long as you never have a bad day. I will only love you as long as you are there whenever I am hurting, or need a shoulder to cry on, even if there are things going on in your life that are beyond your control. I will only love you if you act like I think you need to." I will never say that, and I hope you won't put those expectations on me, either.

There have been times when I know I have not been a good friend. I have made mistakes, I have been reactionary and had poor judgment. Heck-there are times I have been just plain thoughtless and reckless, never taking into account the people I might be hurting. I am hoping that my friendship skills have improved considerably as I have gotten older.  Some of the decisions I have made on how to treat people  were absolute train wrecks. Sometimes I have not known how to "play the game". I have made observations from the outside of situations without knowing the rest of the story. I am truly sorry. I am trying to do better. Maintaining friendship is a lifelong process. We grow up and mature, and understand there is more to every situation than we thought. We value each other more, and begin to weed out the influences we need in our lives. Weeding out doesn't mean the love stops, it just means the friendship has turned a different direction. There are people we love that are just not good for us. It's okay, you can still love from a distance.

New friends

So my promise to you, my friends, is that I do love you. That will never change. I promise to be there when I can~ and when I can't, I will pray for you and carry you in my heart. I will understand that there are times you will not be there for me. I promise to want the best for you, even if I do not agree with what you are doing. I promise to love you for who you are as well as who you are becoming. I promise to be myself and I want you to be yourself. I promise not to judge you by the things in your past, the things that you own, or the mistakes you have made, but to love what you have in your heart. I promise that when we are apart I think of you and want the best for you, and if we have moved on to different phases of our lives, I will hope for your happiness. You are my friend, and I love you.

Friends that have become family

Gracefully

In a little over a week I will be 45 years old. This does not worry me or make me feel old, although I do realize I am older. I see my wrinkles, feel the creakiness creeping into my bones and do not have as sharp a mind as I used to. But I feel pretty good and I think I look all right, so at this point I am not stressing about age. What I do think about is aging gracefully. In body, mind, spirit, and action. I hope I can pull it off. In reality, I AM GRATEFUL WE GROW UP!

About 1973-ish...I am on the left

I am grateful that age brings perspective. About everything! It changes priorities. Experience is a great teacher. Some of the things that I have learned through the years...

~Skinny is not everything! I was a stick for half of my life. I got called every name in the book-anorexic, chicken legs, walking stick...I have gained some curves and soft spots since having children and I have to say that even though I always want to lose that "last 5 pounds", I like myself more now that I did back when I weighed 120. I like the softness that comes with a little fluff. Just sayin'.

Highschool~ Amy on the left, me on the right

My Institute ID in college

~I have made many mistakes. Some of them were doozies. I will make many more, as I am entirely human. Hopefully they will not be the same ones I have made before. I have learned from them. They have made me stronger, more empathetic, and less judgmental. I have learned (for the most part) not to assume the worst about anyone, or any situation; though there are times that it really is exactly what it looks like. I have learned people CAN change, but only when they want to. I have also learned that mistakes do not define people. How they handle them does.

Life in college-I learned some of my biggest lessons there.
This is me with Michael Damian~a singer and actor.

~People will judge you. People will form opinions about you. It is a human condition to do so. It doesn't mean they are right about you, and it doesn't mean they are bad for thinking what they do.  You can let it affect you or you can breeze past the judgments and live your life. Perceptions can be changed. Your choice is to change them if they need to be changed.

~Life really does have seasons. Seasons of change,trial, ease, friendships, health, sickness, responsibilities, freedom and happiness. And many, many more. The trick is to know which one you are in, and make the most of it. When my kids were little and sick ALL the time, I finally learned that this was our time to cuddle and stay home together, and that all the other things could wait for another season.

~Out of all the things that I thought were important in my younger life, only two of them are still important to me. My relationship with God and my relationships with people. Maybe you're worried it's only two, but those two things encompass everything a human does in a lifetime. The things, the events and happenings, the fluff and show and outward appearances are nothing when all is said and done. Relationships take a lifetime of work and they are included in everything that is good and praiseworthy. I have a long way to go, but I am grateful I still realize their importance.

Moving Right Along

Moving Right Along from the original Muppet Movie

Yesterday my world shifted. It was time for it to shift, but I felt the change deeply. I have been working with a group of young women in my church for the last two years. It has been some of the happiest, hardest, most fulfilling, educating, time-consuming, spirit building, heart-wrenching work I have ever done. I LOVE THESE GIRLS! They have occupied every Sunday and every Wednesday night (and many days in between) since February 2013. They have also occupied my thoughts, my prayers, and my heart! Add to this the amazing women that I have worked with and I am filled with a bundle of emotions at all of this coming to an end. I have been released from my church calling.

Now that my crying jags have finished (for now) I am piecing together all the amazing things I have gained from this experience. I have learned a lot and grown from the blessings and challenges that have been presented to me through the service I have been blessed to give.  I'm writing them down so I don't forget them.

~Everyone yearns for love and acceptance-whether they show it outwardly or not. Some people let you know that they have a need for attention, but the quiet ones with an air of contentment need the same things the rest of us do.

~Service feels good. Finding the time, energy, and gumption can take everything a person has, but in the end it is all worth it. I have never left a situation where I gave service and regretted it. I'm always grateful I stepped up.

Some of our Young Women doing service on Temple Square

~LOVE GROWS.

~Understanding people, their needs, their circumstances and what makes them tick is a full time job and perceptions get shifted on a continual basis. We NEVER know everything that is going on in a person's life. From the outside things can look like perfection and in reality things are a mess or vice-versa.

Girls Camp

~Time invested is never wasted if you are doing it for the good of others. This is a reality that is not grasped very often in this world anymore. Whether we see the fruits of our labors or not is entirely beside the point. Time spent on others is not wasted time.

After early morning baptisms at Brigham City Temple

~BUT....wondering if you could have done better in your endeavors with others is very haunting. It makes me want to try harder.

~BUT AGAIN, I am leaving this opportunity better than I came into it. I have more love, more friends, more understanding, more empathy, and respect. I am better for it and hope I have made others better in my wake.

~Every person needs light. It is one of my callings in life to give it. I pray for the strength to succeed.

St George Temple 2013 Girls Camp

 ~There are wonderful, glorious, talented, beautiful people in this world. I served them, served with them, and am watching new ones step in to pick up the work. It is a very rewarding thing to realize.

Don't they look like sunshine? Light at it's best!

The End

I love happy endings. I've been a sucker for them for as long as I have heard stories and fairy tales. The first one I remember is from Cinderella. From then on my love of happy endings grew exponentially. I'm a romantic at heart.

I am also a realist. I understand that "the end" in a movie isn't always "the end".  There is almost always more to the story; another tragedy to endure, a problem to be solved, another character added. Happy endings are often momentary and last until the next event surfaces. That being said, I still love happy endings and believe in them with everything in my soul.  And my fondest wish is that everybody has one. Man is that he might have joy. Joy is a must.

Sometimes the journey to the happy ending is rocky. Perilous footsteps can mark the path to happily ever after. I guess that is what makes a happy ending so sought after. It's why we humans crave them. I've muddled through my own messes to give me some of my happy endings. I have experienced bad relationships that made me appreciate what I have in Chad as my soul-mate. I have endured more than one scary diagnosis to get to a point where I am so grateful and in awe of modern medicine and the miracles of Heaven. The journey to good things takes gumption, courage and strength. Sometimes I can hardly muster enough for my journey-let alone someone else's. Though I wish I could walk everyone through theirs, I know that is impossible and impractical. There are times when I can't even make it through a movie where someone has to endure what seem to be impossible situations. While reading history books is extremely intriguing to me I cannot stomach some of the atrocities that humans put each other through. I have been known to hurl a good book across the room because of the unfairness placed upon mankind. But rest assured I am cheering, praying and hoping for the best possible outcome for everyone. I may not be right there with you, and may even have a hard time handling your story and what you've been through, but I want your happy ending. I want the joy for you. Hang in there. It's waiting for you. (Every last one of you.) Be grateful.

The beginning of my happy ending

Two nerdy kiddos in love

23 years later....



Opinions Vary

I think in this world of  modern technology and information at your fingertips it is so easy to be misled and misinformed.  For every article  and news blurb on any given topic there is another one that has opposing "facts" and "research" that contends with the first one. Although I have suspected this for years,  this past week has shown that even our "trusted" sources lie and embellish to boost ratings and glorify careers. While I look for places to gather  information,  I have a hard  time forming my  own opinions about issues at hand because I cannot tell which details have been fabricated and which ones  lie closer to the actual truth. Sadly I don't think we ever get to hear the whole truth in any situation because a) there is ALWAYS more than one side to EVERY story and b) we never know  which story is  being presented to us (the storyteller's, the victim's, the aggressor's etc). Things get twisted, opinions become gospel, and facts get skewed. What is the truth?

Because I don't want to be pessimistic, I have decided the only way to wade through the dizzying onslaught of misinformation is to create an informed opinion from what looks to be the closest to the truth, then follow my heart. It usually tells me what I need to know.

When I profess to have an informed opinion about the people that I work with, and talk about how amazing they are, I rely on my experiences with them and the way I feel when I am around them. Knowing that there is good in everyone is a solid basis for my opinion, and when I pair it with the wonderful actions of these people, it paints a pretty good picture of what is truth. I have watched the administration, teachers, and staff  at my wonderful little elementary school give all they have to ensure the success of the children they serve. There are grueling, tiresome, patience-trying days that these people wade through because they know there is something bigger that they are working toward. They know the reward is bigger than the sacrifice.  They work, they love, they persevere, they facilitate. They know that what they are doing makes a difference to little human beings (and big human beings too!)  They see the goodness in others. I see it in them.

So accept this informed opinion of a lowly aide who gets to participate in miracle making every day. It's research based and felt in my heart.  I am grateful.

Let There Be Light

One of my favorite movies is Rise of the Guardians. It is a movie about a group of mythical beings who are called to protect the dreams,  innocence and beliefs of children.  Each of these beings has a center,  or gift  that helps them to fulfill the charge they are given to be guardians. Though I am always extremely hesitant to point out any gifts I see  in myself,  I do acknowledge I have  a few qualities that I hope help me to be a guardian of sorts. There is a certain point in the movie where Santa Claus asks a "new" guardian what his center (or gift) is. I turned to my husband Chad and asked him what mine is. With no hesitation whatsoever,  he said, "Light." His answer thrilled and humbled me. I want to see light,  I want to give  light,  I want to find light,  I want to BE light. There have been many times that Chad's answer has rescued me from feelings of self doubt and worthlessness. I'm so grateful he sees the good in me!

Rise of the Guardians

If light is truly my center, part of my gift is that I have always been able to see it in others. Though I have a hard time seeing it in myself, it is ALWAYS apparent to me in everyone else. I have always wished people could see themselves as I do. The world would be a different place if we could see the goodness in ourselves through another's eyes.

Last week I had an exhilarating opportunity to meet someone who I have long admired. For the most part,  I am not impressed by fame.  I am happy for people who can achieve fame if that is their desire, but  my feeling is that we are all humans and are all worth the same.  I do not feel that anyone is better than anyone else,  especially because of material gain,  or because of more exposure to the world.  So fame is not important  to me but I was beyond excited to meet this man, who is an international star (Matt Smith, the 11th Doctor in Doctor Who). He had also been on my bucket list of people to meet. I loved having that opportunity!

Matt Smith-the 11th Doctor Who

On the way home as I was coming down from the adrenaline rush that had gotten me through the week,  I was contemplating why this experience was so wonderful for me. If fame means nothing to me, what was the draw? In an instant, I knew. I wanted to meet Matt because I see his light. I can feel his spirit. I've felt it through the television for years, and I have always known the kind of man he must be. I was right. I could feel the light coming from him before we even walked behind the curtain to be greeted with his kind, generous spirit and his warm hugs. Even though we got less than 2 minutes with him, our souls were warmed completely by his graciousness and genuine sincerity . Every person who walked out after meeting him said the same things: he's so kind, he's friendly, he's so nice! (And he has miles of charm to boot!) I am very grateful to my Meghan who paid for this opportunity and let me come along for the ride. It was marvelous to experience this with her sweet spirit and soak in a little of Matt's essence along the way. I am also grateful to a husband who supports my geekiness, ignores my flaws, shows me the light within myself, and realizes he will always be my number one!

Identification, Please!

For every bit of contentment I had last time I blogged, I have an emotion welling up somewhere. As I watch people I care about in my life, hear about community tragedies, empathize with pain people are experiencing, and try to manage my own life, I can hardly decide what emotion I feel from one minute to the next. But one I always LOVE to experience is JOY, and it has been lurking on the outside perimeter of each day, which I am truly grateful for.

The biggest joy I find is in coming home to my family. There is no other comfort on earth that I look forward to more than coming and relaxing in the haven I call home, with the people I call family. The gratitude I feel for this blessing I can't express in any way that would be remotely adequate, but I feel it  nonetheless.

New Years Eve on Temple Square

New Years Eve Dinner with Cassie & Stephen

Another joy I feel quite regularly is the joy of having good people (of all ages) all around me. At this time each year, I have the immense pleasure of doing a middle of the year reading test for hundreds of little children ages 5-9. In the past I have only tested at my school, but this year I have been given the opportunity to venture into other elementary schools within my district. I am officially thick-tongued and exhausted by the end of each day, but the energy and sincerity of these little kids exhilarates me.
The things that come out of their mouths are one of the reasons I work with children!

The other day I had a darling 3rd grader walk in and sit down with me to read. I always try to set each child at ease before reading, so I made small talk while I got my materials ready. This poor little thing was just shaking and I asked her if she was feeling okay. She replied that she had forgotten her glasses and was scared she would need lots of help reading. I assured her that my favorite part of my job was being able to help, and that I would be ready to whenever she needed it. Well, she did a beautiful job and I told her so when we had completed the test. She started to walk away then turned, ran back to me and threw her arms around me. She thanked me for taking away her fears so she could read well. She hugged me tighter and said, " I never could have done it without you!" Now, I knew she could have but it warmed me to the depths of my soul that I could take part in easing her fears. I am in the right profession!

The next day I was at another school with another child; a second grader. She sat down and chatted with me for a minute and once I knew she was at ease I gave her the test instructions and told her to begin. She just stared at me. I told her again to begin and she had the funniest look on her face, yet stayed silent. After a couple more prompts, I stopped and asked her, "Honey, are you alright? Are you feeling okay? Do you need something?" Imagine my delight when she replied, " NO, I just love your smoky eye shadow look!"  I just about fell off my chair.

Smoky Eyeshadow

So here's to the small joys in life....the things that get us through each day with a smile. I'm grateful!