Have you ever had a realization come out of the blue and just knock you in the head? Like something that you probably always knew but the awareness all of a sudden just about knocks the earth off its axis? Boy, howdy, did I have a humdinger. I'm still trying to grasp the reality of it. I'm so stunned by this revelation that I'm almost embarrassed to admit it-let alone write about it. But it needs to come out and be dealt with, and they say owning it is the first step.
Here goes....
For all the rantings and ravings, proclamations and bluster I spew about love, I don't trust it. I am positively stunned and humiliated about that. Let me clarify....I believe in love. Oh, I trust mine. I trust myself to love every single person and see the absolute best until the bitter end. I trust that I will be hurt, belittled, forgotten, betrayed, mocked and abandoned, and I will still love you....probably even more than I did before. But I might have a hard time trusting your love. Now don't take this personally. I am not singling anyone out. There ARE people whose love I know I can count on 100% of the time. As far as the general populace goes, I won't feel worthy of your love, especially if I have done something I think might have disappointed you. Oh, I will continue to love you thoroughly, but I can't believe you will continue to love me. My mind tells me something has changed irrevocably, and I will never again receive your love. And if by chance you have told me you don't love me, I believe you. 😢
That's not to say that I don't believe you when you say you do love me. I'm just always unsure of how long that will last. I want it to last. I need it to. I tell myself it will. Until I forget that you do~or I do something I think has disappointed you again. Then I am sure I have once again lost it.
It makes me crazy-like that song by Carly Simon about you thinking this song is about you, but it's not really about you, even though it really is...that makes my mind spin. I am the believer in love-the dreamer of dreams-the silver lining seamstress. How can I doubt love when I believe it is the most important emotional tool that exists?
PLEASE, do not feel sorry for me. This is not my intent. Everyone gets a taste of this sometimes. I can blame it on past encounters...broken engagements, misunderstandings, times I have felt inferior and unworthy. But that makes it seem petty and small. I guess maybe it is. It goes so much deeper. My love is so big that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that not everyone comes that way. Naive, I know. I admit I have a very simple view on love. I forget not everyone is like me. (I know...thank heaven! A world full of Heathers would get old really quickly!!) I just assume that everyone must feel like me-that no matter the situation, I will love completely and that will never change. So how come I don't expect that love in return?
I have realized that is something I need to work on-this weakness in me. I need to trust in others, and believe that their love won't change regardless of distance, time, circumstance, or venue. I understand that this might not always be true. Sometimes there really is love lost between people, and though it will be hard for me to accept, it is a fact of life. When I say trust in me (therefore in my love as well), I need to do the same for everyone else. I feel the need to apologize (another Heather issue) if I have ever made it seem like I don't accept your love. I do. Fully and completely and with gratitude-and many times with wonder. Yes, I have pledged to work on the wonder part. I do know I am worth loving. I am going to try not to hold onto the past when I have felt rejected and unloved, but please be patient with me. I am not trying to be a cliche-but the saying that "if you hear it enough you believe it" holds true. I absolutely hate admitting that. I have been told I am not loved, am not worth being loved, or am stupid for loving. I do not want to be someone who clings to those negative things as a means to navigate hard situations. So today, I vow to work hard to receive love as fully as I give it, and to believe in love from others-as I want you to believe in the love I give to you. My love endures. I have an abundance. And I am grateful.
***This post is dedicated to Jay Keller and his family. They give love freely and you always know you have it. His post on Facebook today cemented the need to write this post. It's been on more minds than just mine. Thanks Jay, and Kathy and Joshua and all you fremlies out there. Love to you. #joshuasayshello https://www.facebook.com/Joshua-Says-Hello-879986225412142/
A while ago my family sat in a meeting for my church. One of the speakers gave a talk that started out with some alarming stories, but it all led up to forgiveness. Forgiving and forgetting when you are wronged. He gave some counsel to not only forgive, but to forget entirely the wrongs that are sent our way. We expect to be forgiven completely; the Lord expects the same of us.
I will say that I forgive pretty easily. Sometimes I have to process my feelings for a time, but I can usually forgive relatively quickly. I love always, and I think that is the reason I can let things go. I love you even when you are bad to me. I guess I shouldn't publicize that, but it's true, so I should be big enough to admit it. Forgetting takes a bit more time. But I am realizing it's an important ingredient in forgiveness.
I understand what forgiveness does for the soul. It is cleansing. It has a regenerating quality about it. Forgiveness builds up instead of tearing down. I believe in it. However, I have experienced the "salt-in-the-wound" effect that running into a situation that you forgave, but haven't forgotten yet can present. All the time spent soul searching and cleansing gets sucked into a vortex for just a moment and the fear of getting hurt yet again resurfaces. Especially if you have never gotten an apology, or if it has happened repeatedly. And I do realize that there are so many times we humans get upset over things that the other person never has any idea they have ever done to us. But it hurts nonetheless. My wise husband thinks that forgetting means we no longer dwell on the incident-that it doesn't consume us anymore. I like that answer. Especially since situations teach us and we don't want to forget the lessons, just the pain.
Chad and I have discussed this at length. I think it comes down to a trust issue. Now I am no monk on the mountain, but I think that there are times that we have actually done the forgiving and the forgetting, but the trust has not been built again. And that becomes its own separate entity. I think trust can be gained again, but it is not automatic, and it probably shouldn't be. It keeps us aware if we are looking for reasons to trust, and it makes us search for goodness in others who have hurt us.
MY LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. MY TRUST IS NOT.
Maybe it comes down to work, and the understanding that we are all on this journey called life~living and learning and hopefully growing. Love helps a lot, but the fact of the matter is we are human. That I get the chance to be so makes me grateful.
