Hope Springs Etern............ummmm. Never Mind.

It almost makes me laugh. Almost. 

I came packaged with a huge amount of hope-along with an enormous amount of anxiety. The anxiety NEVER, ever leaves. I manage it. Sometimes better than others. If you have never experienced anxiety, I am so very happy for you. It’s more than just worry. It is a physical phenomenon that makes you feel like every cell in your body is being crushed. It's mental. It's emotional. For me, the physical feeling comes before the worry and emotions. It’s always there just hounding me. Making me jumpy. So many times I can't even pinpoint the source of my worry. But I’ve had 52 years now to learn how to cope with it. I feel like I’m doing pretty well.  The hope.....well it is always there, although sometimes it is there just mocking me. I am determined to keep my anxiety in check, and keep the hope alive, but some days it's a struggle. And I have been informed that my mantra of "It Will Be Okay" is not always appreciated. As happens so often, the warning came too late! 😂😂😂 I have used that mantra for years to get through. I will have to come up with a new one! 

From Guardians of the Galaxy 2-after Mantis gets hit, she gets the warning! My life in a nutshell. 

I love to be prepared, I love to be organized. I love to have a plan, although I love spontaneity as well. In my mind, if I know what I am dealing with, I can figure out how to deal with it, and where to find the tools to deal with it. I usually get through.  If I don't see it coming, or don't know where my toolbox is, it can send me into a tailspin. I love to feel like I have it all together, and believe that my faith and preparation, along with a good attitude, will help me tackle anything and get through it in one piece. Some days leave me doubting my skills. There seem to be a lot more of those days than I have been used to. Some things are situational, and can be ironed out with time, work, or both. Some have longer lasting consequences, and too many unknowns for my comfort. Many, I just plain old didn't see them coming-ever. We all deal with stuff, but there are things that get put in my path that in my wildest dreams I never thought would be part of my life. 

And, to be honest, that is a part of life. All the unexpected things. Trials, joys, pain, losses, wins....it's part of the human experience. I'm truly trying to embrace all of it. I just have a few sticking points. Maybe sorting them out will help me check one of these worries on my list and help me move forward in hope. 

*The dreams you have for your children. No, I don't want mini-me(s) running around. I just want the happy lives I had envisioned for them to unfold. I want their dreams to come true. I want them to walk through life knowing who  they are and what kind of impact they can have on the world. But as we all know, life is full of pain. 

To watch them endure some of the things they do are beyond heart wrenching. Some of them destroy a mother's soul. And even though I have the super power of motherhood on my side, I am helpless to change what has happened- although I will ALWAYS help them through it all. I also want them to avoid the pains I have endured. Learning that every decision you make-even the ones that seem little and meaningless-has a consequence  is a doozy of a lesson to comprehend. The knee-jerk response to save your child from any pain or hardship is ingrained deeply into the mother soul. With it is knowledge that your child will have to learn some things in their own way-even the hard way.  There is also a natural doubting of whether you taught your child enough, and whether your experiences paved the way for theirs-good or bad. But we are largely who we are because of our experiences. Granted, life would be better without some of the choices that we have made, but the goal is lo learn from them, and let us shape them in a positive way. My friend, Tiffany Mills Turner said it best when she related this story. 

Boy did I need that. I read that at the perfect moment and I thank her for her inspiration and insight. It became immediately invaluable to me. With it is also the hope that because of the experiences that have shaped us, our children can learn from them and be saved from unnecessary pain. I always say, "Learn it before God has to teach it to you. Because if He has to teach it to you, it's usually much harder." We are all human, and will make mistakes, but goodness can still come. So I continue to hope. Check✔

*Another sticking point...situations that affect your life that you have no control over. Not stuff like sickness or accidents or natural disasters, but times when someone else's choices rule your life. Things you can't change no matter what you try-because it's all in someone else's hands. But it affects you and your life. It can be someone's attitude,  their treatment of you,  a situation you may be in because of their choices, rules that are made, and demands carried out. Stuff like this makes me feel positively trapped. Sometimes physically, sometimes mentally and emotionally, and in extreme cases-gaslighting is involved. Until said person(s) decide for themselves that they don't want to live like they are anymore, or make anyone else around them suffer either, there's not much you can do but endure it, and pray you'll get through in one piece. And that they will make it out, too. Some of the things that have gone on in our world in the past few years fit into this category very well. We have been at the mercy of others quite often. I hate feeling trapped in any way.  Tides can change and miracles can be had. Sometimes the right people wake up and see truth. So I hope for freedom. Check✔

*This world. The unfairness. The unkindness. The judging. The shaming. Petty things. Anger. Confusion. Complacency. Aggression. Laziness. Leaving people you love, having them leave you. Ignoring and ignorance. Not having the whole picture. Knowing cherry-picked parts of the story.  Having people remove their love from you. Removing your love from others. Misunderstanding. Blame. Defending those who lie and mistreat while villainizing those who are trying to do what's right. The world upended. Right is wrong, wrong is right. Standing by while freedoms are stolen. It's just getting to be so much. I could keep going. I worry how these the stories will end. There are individuals who are realizing their relationships are suffering, and working on bettering them. Others are hell bent on being right-pointing fingers and justifying their own bad behavior. I can't change the world. I can't change the behaviors of others. What I can do is stand up for right. Understand others-realizing I don't know the whole story. Help who I can. Be generous with those in need. Show the ways I know can make the world better. By ME doing it first. Have persistence and consistency. Notice the miracles of every single day. Give proper credit for those miracles. Be the change. Be the good. Push for change. Real kinds of change-not campaign ad change. The kind of change that touches lives. A little at a time. I will pray for strength, because I am tired.  But I won't give up. I will hope for change. Check✔

And, of course, I am grateful. 

 

#dinosaursinthemud