BANG BANG BANG!

'I think your love would be too much.' Do you know how many times I have been told that my love is too much? Or too big? Or too readily handed out? I have struggled with that! How can you love too much? I cannot wrap my mind around that. I have been advised that you can give out a lot of love, but there might be people who aren't ready to accept it, or reciprocate it, or acknowledge it.....so it does feel too big, because they can't or won`t allow themselves to absorb it and let it strengthen them.  I have always viewed loving too much as a fault of mine.  And if it doesn't come back I question even more.

This has been a big deal for me. I want to soothe so many people. I want to take away their pain and help them know that someone is ALWAYS there for them, even if the rest of the world has given up. Yet I am really having a hard time keeping it together in my own life. I am mourning so many things. I lost a friend to cancer recently. I have had connections with her whole family since I was 11 years old. They helped mold me into who I am. I feel their loss as acutely as I feel my own. I love them. Their grief spills onto me and I hurt for their sadness.

I am wary of the emptiness I feel as I look to the coming Christmas Season. It is a season of hope and one I wholeheartedly embrace for the joy and peace it brings. When I lost my father, who wanted to be the real Santa, it was hard, but we made it work because we believe in Christmas and what it represents. Then my sister died. It was even harder with her gone, but we pushed through with all our traditions and made it a Christmas to remember, even though it was painful. Now the entire dynamic of my family has changed. While I refuse to let any situation steal the joy of Christmas from me, I am mourning the change of the traditions I have lived since my childhood. I am mourning change. But nothing stays the same. Change is a constant in life. There's so much of it in my life and in the lives of those around me. It overwhelms me. It overwhelms the people I love.

In these instances, and others, I lend my heart completely to all involved. It's what I do. I invest in people and their feelings, their emotions and the core of who they are. That is what I look for. Who they are and why they may be acting, feeling, or reacting. Because sometimes their actions, or reactions hurt me just a little, so having a reason for their behavior helps me deal with the sting I may be feeling from the way they are dealing with their own grief and emotions. I do realize that every person deals with things differently, and that many, many people just need time. Because I love and  feel things so intensely, I know I rush into soothing and "fixing" hurt feelings and trying to repair a person's heart and emotions. I want it better. But I am still learning patience, even though I thought I was a patient person. If you feel my impatience in trying to love you back to you being happy and emotionally  healthy, please know it's just that-love.

In the midst of all my feelings, and feeling everyone else's feelings, I heard this song on the radio, and I thought. "Wow, maybe my love is too much. I wouldn't be feeling this way and wondering if I was doing it right. Maybe it's true."

Then a mother's worst nightmare happened. I got the call from the daughter who had been crashed into in rush hour traffic on the freeway. Twice. Bang! then BANG!!! The fact that she could call was some comfort. Driving the agonizing 30 minutes to get to her and see flashing emergency lights in the dark as well as car parts and smashed vehicles was horrifying. Hugging her was one of the most emotional instances I have ever experienced. Taking her to the emergency room was sobering. Following up for 3  1/2 hours in the doctor's office with too many x-rays to count was overwhelming. But the most consuming feeling I have had during all of this is love. Love for my daughter and love to God that she is alive. She is in a lot of pain. But she is here. I love the officers and first responders who were so kind. I love the doctors and nurses and people who have helped us wade through the mess and tears. Love for my neighbors and family and friends who have checked on us, sent gifts, texted, called and made sure we are okay. Love for my boss and co-workers who have covered for me and let me take care of my daughter, and myself at times, and took care of things at work while I couldn't. But the great part is, I felt the love from all of them as well. Love always grows. Even if the person you are giving it to doesn't give it back, it still finds a way to spill onto someone else and gets paid forward. We have received it in spades. Some of it from people we didn't even know knew about our situation or were aware that we needed that care. It 's been a powerful reminder-a lesson that I hope my daughter didn't need to suffer through so that I could remember it....but you can't love too much. The more you love, the more it multiplies. Sometimes in ways you never saw coming, but you get it back so that you can turn around and send some more out. My love is not too much. And I am grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud