PITCH BLACK

It's been awhile. I've been  wandering around in a fog for a bit. Life came at me and tried to drag me under the current, but I have stayed above water and I'm back. It was pitch black for a minute there, but the things that provide light for me prevailed, and once again, I am on the hunt for all things light and good.

Meghan and me at the Twenty One Pilots concert-
soaking in their light 

When I look around at this ever darkening world of ours, I wonder how much more light there is to gain. It's getting harder each time to ignite the match that keeps my pathway lit. It seems the world itself is giving up. There's a somberness over the land. So many people I know can feel it. We talk about ways around it. We wonder what is happening. We wonder how to combat it. Darkness is seeping in every crack, through every groove in the pavement, into the empty places in the hearts of people. And the crazy part? It is WE who have the power to stop it. If we will.

The other night I was flipping through the channels looking for Christmas movies. I survive on Christmas movies at this time of year. The Hallmark Channel is my best friend right now. I'm a sap. I LOVE a happy ending. Because they really do happen. Much of what we do dictates our endings. It doesn't mean things won't get in the way, but fighting the fear of darkness will always uncover the light. At any rate, I came across Rise of the Guardians- which is one of my favorite movies anyway, because A) Santa is in it and B) I believe I am a Guardian. I was enchanted as I watched it, but no scene in the entire movie strikes my heart like the one where Pitch is defeated and the Guardians and the children use their light to turn their fears and nightmares into good dreams and wondrous visions.  IT HEALS MY SOUL. ***For those who haven't seen it, do so immediately, and know that the Boogeyman (Pitch) uses fear to turn good dreams to nightmares. Spoiler alert~when he's defeated,  it's somewhat dramatic. 

Because I am Heather, of course this scene had me crying like a baby. I love it when good wins. I love it when light defeats darkness. I love seeing what faith and belief and hope can do in a world that is full of despair. I was completely delighted by the children touching the nightmares and turning them back into wonderful dreams and fascinations. Though I have seen this movie dozens of times, it reached deeper into my heart than it ever has before because I realized that every single one of has the power to take what is on front of us-whether good or difficult or scary or mean , and change it into something helpful and good and kind and even wonderful.

Memories of Sarah Jane and the GOOD that is in those memories

The magic of the human heart has always been something important to me, but in this world it is one of my lifelines. The magic is that the heart can grow. It is never out of capacity. It can heal. It can give. It can warm. IT CAN CHANGE. With our hearts, we can control how we act, how we react, who we love, how we love, how to give, and whether we can change the bad to good. The power source is right in our own bodies, right inside the cage that protects it. Protection is good, but while fences keep bad out, they can also prevent good from coming in. And we need more good.

So this holiday season, amidst the chaos and ugliness, the perception of commercialism and the sadness that can invade our lives, try reaching out and touching the pitch black and see if you can't use your light to bring a bit of happiness back in. Change those nightmares to good dreams and feelings. Use your magic to change the world. I'll do it with you. And I will be grateful. Merry Christmas!

#DinosaursInTheMud that show me just a little light can change everything

Monkeys on My Back

Do you ever stop and think to yourself, " Maybe things have calmed enough in my life that I can breathe for just a second!", and then out of nowhere the next thing to disrupt your life comes swooping in, making you wonder why you ever thought you'd get away from the circus? You know that saying, "Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys"? I have recently come to realize that many times it is my circus, and my monkeys, and that even the clowns and wild animals are mine as well!!

Without detailing the past weeks of my life for you, I will  paint a picture for you. I have had dozens of people approach me in all forms of communication to ask my why I haven't blogged in so long. It has been 6 weeks and people are worried, or are in need of a blog post. That makes me feel good, so let me first say thank you for asking. I LOVE blogging. It is an outlet for me. I am in a constant state of processing millions of things at a time and my mind gets jumbled with promptings and worries and since I don't sleep, the process is steady for me. Writing helps me settle and release some of my worries so I can move on to the next ones. It is therapy for me, but sometimes I know what I write is not for me at all, but for someone else who needs it. The fact of the matter is that I used my writing that would have been used in my blog to write a letter for someone who needed it. The process was the same-gathering thoughts, praying about them, pondering, and hoping the thoughts I was having and the way in which I presented them would be the right ones to help the very loved person I was trying to help. I think I got it right. I hope so. I needed to.

So thank you for your patience in waiting for me. I'm still here, and while I still draw breath and am able to feel the next blog in my soul, I will continue as often as I can. Thank you for supporting me and loving me, and making me feel needed.

In the meantime, here is a glance at small pieces of my life for the last 6 weeks. Though they have been busy, as always, I'm grateful!

Holding this beautiful creature
and admiring God's handiwork.

I got to participate in parent-teacher conferences for 3 days. It
was a delightful experience and made me even more grateful for the
little lives I get to be a part of every day.

Primary Teachers!

Miss Heather with the blue streak.

A depiction of me holding one of my "dinosaurs in the mud" done by
a beautiful artist

Some of the delightful things I get to experience as Miss Heather. I love it
that the kids know me by my blue streak. When I walk into kindergarten they say,
"The Reading Fairy is here!"

My Christmas Present to my family. We have a room
downstairs that we decorate for Christmas in October. It
is our respite, our escape, our comfort and peace. This year
Meghan and I decided it needed something extra, especially in
honoring my dad and Sarah Jane at our family's FAVORITE time of the year.
Here is my rug with Santa. It completes the room because hidden in the brickwork
behind Santa, there is the Christ child and his family on the very first Christmas-the
reason we celebrate it all. I think my family in Heaven is happy with our choice. 

Spreading dinosaurs around the world
#DinosaursInTheMud

Cloudscapes

Admiring God's artistic abilities

My weekly get together with my favorite Walmart buddy-she takes her
lunches to shop with me so I don't have to face Walmart alone!

Comforting the people I love

Bleaching my hair so I can re-dye the blue....freaking out in the
process that my blue streak is missing, but realizing the purple left in
my hair is Sarah Jane's favorite color, and finding peace after all.
But the Blue Streak is coming back. I find I can't live without it. 

Getting ready to go with Meghan to bask in the light of 
these boys in a couple of weeks. Love it that these boys get it.
There is so much they understand...

Attending a magical lantern festival with my family and honoring the ones we miss.

Realizing how short life is, and understanding
all I want to accomplish with it. I found this
posted on Facebook and it took my breath away. 

Holy Ship!

Let's face it. This world is going to heck in a hand basket. I mean between the west half of the US on fire, the east coast and  islands from Hawaii to the Bahamas drowning, countries being shaken apart by earthquake and everything from drought to pollution so thick that everyone needs an inhaler-you'd think that would be enough to deal with. Add to that the petty jealousy of and by the rich and famous, unscrupulous politicians, picking apart flaws and belief systems, and things are looking even rougher. Then you add the people in the mix, and oh my.

Animals are sometimes nicer than people 😉

I LOVE people. But I'm scared of them. I know, I know. Love one another... And I do. I find people very easy to love. I find goodness in every human being. Even at their worst, I can find good.  Yet they continually surprise me. The things that a human can decide to do to another… it astounds  me! None of us can be perfect, but we can all be kind. There are humans that actually sit and think of horrible things to do to each other.  For revenge, because of self doubt, to feel superior, to gain control, because of hurt feelings.  We all get our feelings hurt.  We’ve all been injured by others. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally, sometimes mentally… there’s no way out of this life without experiencing hurt and insult. But sometimes people hurt just for the sake of hurting or because of the need for power. Some people hurt because they have been hurt. Some people hurt just to see if they can. Some people hurt because they care only about themselves. Some people are angry. Some people hurt to see how much they can get you to do before you give up on them. And therein lies the problem.

Thank you Kathy. I love you!!

The world has jumped ship on the people that live here. We have given up on each other...and seemingly with good reason. But giving up on the human race only makes the problem worse. It starts a ripple of negativity that travels quickly and is hard to contain. One person giving up on humans results in a lot of people losing hope-if they lose hope and jump ship there aren't as many to steer it to safety. The good gets smaller much more quickly. The ship is swiftly sunk. The fact of the matter is that we are here to make a difference. We are here to lift each other up. Our job is to see the good. Our lives are meant to find it. We are meant to look through all the toil and drudgery  and find some goodness in it... some piece of Heaven to keep us going. That is what gives life meaning. Finding the divine in each other. Finding salvation amongst the wreckage. Noticing the pieces of paradise in the squalor.  Acknowledging the redemptive qualities in the natural man. Each of us needs that from others. To have our good be seen when we are weak. To have our hope restored when we have failed. To have our  spirits lifted when we fall short. To not be given up on no matter how far we have fallen. TO FIND DIVINITY in the human race helps us find it in ourselves. So we can't give up on others. No matter how much they have disappointed us, or how much they have hurt us, or how much they have taken from us. To give up only perpetuates the domino effect of jumping ship and giving up on the whole world. And we can't afford that.

I realize that we can't just roll over and let ourselves be steamrolled and beaten by the same people again and again. That is self-defeating. But to give up on one is to give up on all. We all have a little devil inside. To let that define us would be a tragedy. We want our good works to be counted-not our mistakes.  I just watched a clip about a high school janitor who makes $11 an hour, yet he provides scholarships with his own money for students who need extra opportunities. Holy ship! That man is looking for good. He's just one example of many, many wonderful givers in this world. We could all take a lesson from him, especially when things start looking bleak. All he had to do was look and the good was right in front of him. He wanted good, so he became the good.

So perpetuate the good forward. Find the good in everyone and it will find it's way back around to you when you need someone to believe in you. Don't give up now. Now is when we need it most. Don't jump ship while there's still good reason to stay afloat. And we can all be grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud

Monster is a Relative Term

Oh how I have debated on doing this post. I have gone back and forth. It's not my story, but it has truly changed my life and I can't stop talking about it. So I will share it because the whole world should have it. I want to give credit where credit is due, so the people who this is about, if they ever read it, should know they are the game changers-the life~savers-the inspiration that keeps me moving forward even on those days when it seems all is lost. So I thank them. Because there are days when this story literally saves my life.

There is a dinosaur collection in my house We have them in windows, on dressers and the entertainment center, in the kitchen, and all over Meghan's room. Each one of us has one on the dash in our car. But for months Meghan and I have bought dozens of them...to give away. We ran out. We bought out entire inventories of stores that are close to us. And when we found a special on Amazon, we bought 150 of them. That's right. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DINOSAURS. We give them away like people give away candy on Halloween. We can't help it.

For a long time I didn't know why we collect them. When we go to the store, and my 19 year old daughter asks for dinosaurs, and I say "sure". What's a dollar or two? One day we were in the midst of a very deep, spiritual, emotional conversation, and Meghan said, "Mom, have I ever told you why I collect dinosaurs?" My stellar mom response was:"Ummmmm...because they are cool?" Meghan proceeded to take my heart to a whole new level. She made me sob because of the urgency in which I needed to hear this very, exact message at that exact moment.

The short version is that she has a friend who is shy and a somewhat anxious. This friend is a dinosaur NUT. She loves them, knows EVERYTHING about them, and is obsessed with them. This friend was having a bad day. She felt hopeless and lost and more than downtrodden. She was in a bad place both literally and figuratively. She was literally working in the mud, and her future seemed muddy as well. She was ready to give up. All of a sudden she saw something in the mud. She reached down and picked it up-and it was a toy dinosaur.  Just a little plastic dinosaur, but a dinosaur. In the mud. Her favorite thing.  Something she loved.  And then she felt loved. She felt watched over. She felt like the little details about her and her life were being noticed and cared about-and to her it was by a loving God who hadn't forgotten her. It changed her whole day. It changed something in her.

(So at this point in the story I am crying. I can't begin to describe how much  I needed that message!  Everyone needs to know they are cared about-especially by their God that they trust in-and yes I leave room for the people who believe in a "higher power" or the universe. The fact remains we need to feel loved by something bigger than ourselves and my soul was crying out for this love at this exact moment in my life.)

But there's more. After Meghan heard this experience about the dinosaur, she was having a conversation with the same group of peers in which the dinosaur story had been told. They were considering, with worry and trepidation,  the state of the world. How this world is scary. It's sad and lonely and full of people who are careless and selfish and bad. There are tragedies and disasters and time only seems to bring the state of the world into a much sorrier place than it used to be. We hear so much negativity everywhere we go. So, they discussed, how do we make it? How do we stay positive and strong and have faith and give light? How do we soldier on and not become part of the sadness and sorriness? The group was pensive and silent as this they deliberated these thoughts in their heads. Tough question. A little hard on the spirit. As Meghan took this in, and remembered the lesson that had formed in her heart upon hearing her friend's story, she said, "We look for the dinosaurs in the mud."  OH MY HEAVENS!!!! The little things. HOLY COW! The tender mercies. OH MY GOSH! The good. The joy. Good deeds. The hand of God. The knowledge that we are being watched over. That we are noticed. That we count, even in our little tiny corners of our world. We conquer because WE FIND THE DINOSAURS IN THE MUD. They are everywhere, big and small, every day, every situation. So many dinosaurs.

My little inspirer

This changed my life. I am a self-professed seeker of joy and goodness. I am a finder of the silver lining. But this touched my soul and became seared across my heart, embedding itself in my very being. This story is MY dinosaur in the mud. It's not just a little dinosaur, either.  It's a flippin T-REX!! A monster-but monster is a relative term-especially here. I can hardly keep from blurting it out to everyone I see. I have handed dinosaurs to strangers, co-workers, neighbors, Walmart cashiers, you name it. This story saved my soul. It made me weep with gratitude-for the message, for the love in which it was given, for my sweet daughter knowing I needed it, and for the friend who stepped out of her comfort zone to share it. I can't get over it. And that's a good thing. I am on a daily search for dinosaurs in the mud. We share our dinosaurs of the day when we are together. My friends text me their dinosaurs that they find. Let's find all of them. I guess they aren't extinct after all. And I am grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud

Ode to Sarah Jane

I was asked to speak at my sister, Sarah Jane's funeral, the day before the funeral. I get frightened in front of crowds, and I write much better than I speak, so this was a little bit terrifying for me. But I knew this could be my "ode to Sarah Jane" if I took this opportunity and shared a piece of her life with others. So many came to honor her, but I know there were many who could not make it  to see her or be at the funeral. I have been asked by many of the people who couldn't come if I would share my talk. My blog is the right place to do it. I had no written talk, just an idea and a hope that I would be divinely guided in my words. I had to listen to the recording and type as it went along and it took a lot of time to get it right, but I finally have it ready. Just a warning, as I listened to this talk, I realized I said "and" about a hundred times. I guess this is what you get when you don't write it down! This is what I shared:

Sarah Jane, me, Bethany and Amy after my dad's funeral.
Now the 4 sisters are down to 3.

Cute Sarah Jane

Brandon and Sarah Jane

MY TALK:

My first thought was remembering going to a meeting where Brandon was playing and Sarah Jane had been up there and she brought me up on the stand afterwards and she said, " Do you see that guy right there? I'm going to marry him!" And she did. And we're  grateful that she did!

I'm usually very prepared. I am like my mother. I am like Sarah Jane. I make lists. I like things in order.  And my mind has been blank. Completely blank . And I think the shock and the suddenness of her leaving us left my mind kind of mushy.  But I've prayed,  that as Enoch got the words he needed from the Lord put into his mouth, they will be put into my mouth. So to help me do that, I have been asked to tell some funny stories, that probably half of Providence knows one of them at least,  but I will open with a couple of those and that will lead into the message I need to give you.

When we lived in Silver City, Sarah Jane and I shared a room, and I was on the top bunk and she was on the bottom.  And I was sick one night, and I needed my mom, and I was afraid to speak, because I knew if I did, I would throw up. And I couldn't get off the top bunk to get down so I needed her to get mom.  And I kept saying, ( in a shaky voice) "Sarah Jane", and she was like, " WHAT?!?!? Shut up and go to sleep!"  And I said, "Sarah Jane!"  So after about the fourth time she leans  and looks up at me and says, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" And I went bllllaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh" (throwing up all over her) and I'm sorry to take you to The Goonies movie; I don't want anybody to start throwing up…but it took  a LONG time for her to get over  that.  She was angry for a LONG time! And it got brought up often.

When we moved here, my cute little mother, if you know her, she loves to vacuum. It is her Zen.  And I have to admit I've picked that up from her. It's kind of a family quality. And we had to have our work done before my mom got home.  And Sarah Jane was lying on the floor one day, and she had long hair, and she wouldn't move so I could vacuum.  And I kept saying, "Sarah Jane, if you don't move, I'm going to suck up your hair!" And she wouldn’t do it and I got closer, and closer, and pretty soon, 'zhhhhooooooottt'-and the vacuum was stuck to her head! And we could not get it off.  My dad had to take the vacuum completely apart, and we had to unroll her hair, and pull it, and break it, and she was mad.  So Sarah Jane's (red) hair matched her temper sometimes.  And I think anybody who knew her could attest  a little bit to that. But she had a big heart like the rest of us do.  She learned during her lifetime that forgiveness is a quality we need, and it's something that the world needs.  And as she softened,  and learned to love bigger, and deeper, and harder,  that became part of her soul-to forgive.

It helped her in her job.  It helped her in her family.  It helped her to reach out to those who needed to know that forgiveness is available,  and that forgiveness sets you free.  That holding it for yourself imprisons you. And Sarah Jane was not in a prison where she needed to forgive, because she learned how to do it and taught the rest of us to do it too. She grew with wisdom, and with more beauty  the older she got, and I miss her.  And I love her.  And I'm grateful for her stalwartness and her faith.

We are blessed sisters.  My dad had faith but you all knew  my dad was a little bit…."colorful" at times. So my mom has been the rock that we all followed.  And Sarah Jane continued that history of being the "Rock of Faith", and we all hope to be like her, and like my sweet little mother and live so we can greet Heaven someday as I know Sarah Jane did-with a clear conscience and an open heart and excitement for what is beyond.

I love my family. I LOVE MY FAMILY! You girls are going to be okay. And we'll help you and we love you.

 As I have mulled this over the last couple of months, I am so grateful for lessons in forgiveness. It makes our lives so much less stressful if we will find a way to rid ourselves of the pain of hanging on to anger and resentment and just let our hearts be full of joy and forgiveness. I realize it is easier said than done, but it really is a CHOICE to forgive. It doesn't mean forgetting will be immediate, but shedding the anger and resentment and pain of someone's wrongdoing (perceived or real) gives such relief it is a literally a physical lightness of the heart. So just give that some thought-especially as you realize that anyone can be taken from you in a matter of seconds-at any time-and the pain of holding a grudge after someone is gone is much, much heavier than it is when they are here. Let it go. Leave it. Drop that weight. And remember to forgive yourself as well. That burden is one of the heaviest ones I can think of. I find it easy to forgive others. It's myself I usually struggle with the most. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Splurge on yourself today.

The other thing that has come to mind is that I don't want to have to forgive...that is, I don't even want a reason to be angry or sad or hold a grudge. I don't want any more weight than I am already carrying in my life! Relax. It is okay to let someone have their own opinion. You can even still be friends! When I look at the controversy on Facebook posts or news websites: Breastfeeding in public, hats that support America, whether pedophilia is a crime or a life choice....need I say more??? (I hope not because it makes me a little sick) and the ways that people tear into each other over these topics, it makes me sad that we waste our time looking to be offended (or offending others) and ruining friendships over these issues that we don't have to get mean about. Stirring a pot can make for very sore arms, if you know what I mean. If you're going to fight for something, fight for kindness and understanding. If we all did that, there wouldn't even need to be very much forgiveness, but as there is, let's work on it anyway. And let's be grateful.

****To hear an audio recording of Sarah Jane's funeral in its entirety, go to:

https://cvmortuary.com/obituary/sarah-jane-clayton/

Click on the right hand corner of the page where it says Funeral Service Audio. For the record, it was outstanding. The whole thing. The music was divine. That alone will make you weep. 

ALL CAPS

It has been a weird summer. It would have been weird anyway. My kids are grown up and working. I am off for the summer so summer only means anything to me. And I spend most of it alone. So I guess it really doesn't mean anything to me, either. I have a Santa Claus sized list of things I need to get done around here...things I don't accomplish during the school year-but it has stayed pretty much the same size this year. Losing my sister threw me off track at the get go. I have stayed off track-I guess in reality I have just changed tracks and am on another instead. Not the one I planned on, but a good one nonetheless. My new track consists of  helping others accomplish their lists, trying to cope with my loss and help the ones I love with their loss as well,  or trying to rest off the extreme fatigue I have accumulated this summer. I am not doing great in any area-but I love trying. I'm a little Looney, but I'm trying.

A little Looney

Between feeling like my summer is almost gone ( I start back to work in less than a month) and losing my sister, my need to grasp any and every  opportunity to LIVE is exceptionally persistent right now. I have always had a fear of (well, when it comes right down to it-EVERYTHING, but...) missing out on things-experiences. Feeling like time is rushing past me and understanding that a life can be cut short at any given second has made me almost frantic to go live. I was talking with my family one day about the need to blog, and that I felt it needed to be about living life fully. I wrote a note to myself that said "LIVE LIFE" so I would remember to blog about it. We all caught on that I had written it in all caps because I felt it was so important and we came up with my new mantra "LIVE LIFE IN ALL CAPS".  YES!!!!  I LOVE those "lightbulb" moments.  I feel this one deeply. It is my Bio statement on Facebook. It is my goal. It is on my life list. I no longer have a bucket list----- because the things I want to do, I want to do while I am living life fully-not check them off before I die.

This need I have nipping at my heels has had me filling my calendar with experiences for the coming days-and anyone who knows me knows I relish an EMPTY calendar. But living requires time and events and experiences. We have filled the coming months with FanX (and meeting some of our favorite stars), a lantern festival, a Twenty One Pilots concert, plans to go to travel to places we have never been before, organ recitals on Temple Square, and many more items that will help us grasp everything in life a mortal can grasp onto. I want more. Not more stuff. More things to take with me. Memories. Feelings. Love. I want to experience everything I can (within reason) while being mortal.

Which has made me think that living life in all caps also means freeing ones self of unnecessary problems and burdens. We worry about so much already. Life brings truckloads of problems all on it's own and we humans tend to pile even more trivial worries and issues on ourselves-adding to the pressure and taking away from the joys we can be experiencing. Pettiness.  Jealousy. Gee, that jealousy is an ugly one. There is absolutely no point to it. It's the devil's tool for certain. Jealousy does nothing for anyone except stir up negative emotions. There is no purpose to it. And no need for it. (Do ya think I have some strong feelings on that one, maybe????) Then there's judgment and gossip. Being unforgiving. Expecting too much and giving too little. Seeming unfairness. Entitlement. Gosh. Let it go. Holy cow! The things we cling to that make us miserable when we have the ability to make a choice and give up the burden. Those things can add so much more weight to our burdens. Forgiving someone helps YOU-the other person isn't even affected (I guess unless you go to them and tell them they are forgiven`and half the time they don't know they did something that needs forgiving... WE are the ones who have clung to it) -you get the relief of letting it go. Doing your part gives you joy and a sense of accomplishment you can't get from just taking without the work.  LIVE. LIVE WELL. Give yourself a good life by going all in. In ALL CAPS. Get through the junk, and then live the rest at full throttle. Look for good. It's everywhere.  Stop looking for differences. Look for the things that bring us together. Look for what our Maker sees in us. Talents. Gifts. Potential-so much of it untapped!!  Love. Strengths. Myriads of good. Realize we've all got them. GO LIVE!!! Go now! Don't waste any more time. LET GO OF THE STUFF YOU DON'T NEED. I am starting the movement. I'm starting with myself. And I'm grateful.