noun
1. ~keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2. ~a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.
I'm a pro. I know a lot of people are. Once a person learns that loss is not only losing the physical presence of someone they love to the occurrence of death-and that loss includes people leaving your life, missing opportunities, not being able to love, tragedies, calamities, job loss, love lost in any form, and a plethora of other events-you can see that there is a lot more grief in this life to be experienced than that of death.
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Dad's final resting place. I love the Christmas tree on his headstone.
I know he's smiling from Heaven over it.
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But I still grieve over the death of my father. It's been a hard year-not just because of his passing. That was painful, but a lot of other painful things showed up in my life at the very time that he left us, and I am still trying to get through the mourning process. It has been slow going. I've had to put it on the back burner and deal with the other issues at hand. I've had to stuff it away so often that sometimes my grief sneaks up on me and knocks me over-leaving me breathless and helpless. I hurt without him. Every day. I am ecstatic for his freedom from pain and a body that was shutting down. I am comforted with the knowledge of Heaven and the workings of God and am quite sure Dad plays a role in helping the rest of us down here on earth. I am at peace that my dad and I said everything we needed to say to each other and that no matter when he left this earth, our relationship was secure. We KNOW we love each other. When he left we were SOLID. I will always be grateful for that. But I miss him. Especially now at this-HIS-most wonderful, favorite time of the year. My parents gave our family a love of Christmas and what it represents that is unrivaled by anyone I know. Christmas is love. It is giving-not just things, but heart and soul. I'm committed to it fully. Giving, loving, caring, sharing.
Yet I grieve over the caring and sharing and loving, and that I haven't done enough of them. I lament the times I have not given...not followed through on a prompting to show someone I care. For the chances I have been offered to make a difference that I didn't take. For missed opportunities to show love or empathy or support. I mourn lost time. I agonize over missing the things we get to do only as mortals that we don't take advantage of.
On the other hand, it does make me very joyful that this time of year offers me even more chances to do those things so that the grief I experience over missing my dad doesn't take over. I don't have to grieve over missed chances if I take them and give as often as possible. I don't have to pine over should haves if I take the leap. So though I am very picky about where I put my efforts at Christmastime, I am jumping into any opportunity that helps me feel love, compassion, warmth, Christmas Spirit, and joy. I may not make it to every event, but the ones we have chosen so far, though bittersweet without my dad, have been balm to my soul and have fed my Christmas Spirit.
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| My Walmart buddy-we always have adventures together! |
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| Ogden Christmas Light Parade-this truck reminds us of my dad, whom the grandkids call "Papa". |
As a steadfast believer in silver linings, I have been able to find them in grief as well. Is grief a good thing? I don't like the emotion itself but it does help me to live each moment. It helps me to REMEMBER. All the important things, people, events, miracles, and moments. It helps me to appreciate what I have. It helps me to invest in each opportunity. It helps me gather all the adventures a mortal can have. It gives me goals. It makes me want to pay it forward. It helps me to love-fully and completely. It helps me gather Christmas spirit in memory of dad-the lover of all things Christmas. And I am grateful.
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| THE REASON |
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| Luminaria at Thanksgiving Point in Lehi, Utah... a wonderland with magic, Christmas Spirit, fun, light, joy, spirituality, and reverence. Everything needed for Christmas to be enjoyed fully. I HIGHLY recommend it. Worth every penny. https://thanksgivingpoint.org/events/luminaria/ |
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