ABSENCE

I'm not sure how I feel about the dark. Much of the time I hate it. I don't like night to come. I don't like darkness to take over. I don't want to go to bed. I don't want the monsters to come out. But dark has also been my friend. When I'm fighting a migraine, or feeling weary and worn, darkness provides reprieve and takes the edge off for me. Late night walks are one of the things I enjoy most in this world. There's something about being in nature late at night that clears my head and helps me breathe. Then again, nightmares lurk in the dark, and there lies the enigma-is the darkness my enemy or my friend?

Darkness is the absence of light...and I think that's what scares me. To be without it. My soul indelibly craves light, though my body craves dark when it needs sleep or freedom from pain. I think that the craving of light almost always wins with me, though. My spirit can't make it without light because it is so many things to me. Light is hope, it is joy, it is love, it is renewal. It is forgiveness and peace, it is reassurance and guidance. Light is what gives me the means to keep going. Without it I would flounder. I would cease to be able. I would wither.

There has been an absence of light in my soul this past year. I'm sorry I have let it flicker. I know one of my main purposes in life is to be a light. Though I have pursued it with all that is in me, I know I have been dimmer. I've been encouraged and questioned and even called out on it. And what a blessing it has been-to be called out...it made me wake up. So many of the wonderful influences in my life have asked me to come back-to be present, to keep giving light. I have had requests for more blogs. Friends have urged me to come out of my shell and into the light-to share and to give-even if it's only a little bit.  In a recent heart-to-heart with a dear friend of mine, she laid it right out..."Your light is dim." Me. My light. The one thing I know for certain I was blessed with...my light-is dim. I was stunned. But something in me was roused and I realized that somewhere along the way I convinced myself that since I was having a hard time being a light, I haven't deserved to receive any either. And it scared me.

Everyone deserves light. No matter what. No matter who you are, what you possess, what your weaknesses are, what you have done, what you regret...you deserve light. We all need it. Even me. Even when my light is dim. There is not a worthiness factor when it comes to light. It's a necessity. A basic need. Even those with hearts of stone need light. A little light can soften, brighten, encourage, exploit good. A sliver of light can illuminate the corners of the heart that haven't seen good, and provide enough radiance to open up the recesses therein. Dispersing ones light has been known to touch even the most darkened souls. It is a gift that is not meant to be denied anyone, and one that can benefit everyone.

At this most special time of the year, when there is so much light to be seen-both literally and figuratively, I am more grateful than usual. I am grateful for the light that has been given to me. For the love and encouragement that has kept me going when my light has been dim. For the reflection in others, for the flame that passes to me to keep mine from extinguishing. For that I am especially grateful-that even though mine gets dim, it is never gone. And that is my goal-my wish, my hearts desire, my mission-to keep light. To spread it. To share it. To deny NO ONE. To share what's been given to me. I'm so incredulous that God has placed lights around me in a continual flow throughout my lifetime, and that He has allowed me the privilege of endeavoring to be one to others. I yearn to shine. I hope to brighten. And I will truly be grateful.