Life Through Paisley Glasses: BRING IT!

I have a friend who inspires me daily with his mantra-LIFE:BRING IT! This friend and his family have been through their share of trials and heartache, but somehow keep warm, happy, open hearts, and share the love with whoever they can. Sometimes they keep me going when I feel overwhelmed and picked on. They are strength personified and I love them.

Happy times-I relish them...Meghan, my son-in-law Stephen
and I on the beach in Florida.

I don't want anyone to think for one minute that I feel I am picked on any more than anyone else. We all have stuff. But I have also made it no secret that the last year has been a hard one. I keep in mind that most of the trials that come upon us are not foreseen-that many of them take us by surprise and we find ourselves thinking, "I never in my wildest dreams saw myself having to deal with this." Some of the stuff on my plate I saw coming, and prepared for it as best I could, and gathered strength to face it. Other stuff picked me up and threw me off a cliff-leaving me thrashing and gasping for breath and wondering how in the world I arrived there. But I have tried to see the blessings-the silver linings-something good in everything. It's one of my gifts. I am trained and even talented in it. But I'm tired.

Clouds-my saving grace-proof that there are silver linings...

The world is crazy. I don't watch the news. I see little snippets when I'm doing my yoga in the morning, but even those few minutes put a damper on my psyche. Just the natural disasters and calamities break my heart. Add to that the senseless acts of violence, the selfishness and disregard we are fostering as "culture" in this world, and the air of deceit that is rampant in life and politics, and there's a little piece of my soul that fights despair in a continual basis. There are dark things out there. Horrors that affect the heart, body and soul. And there are heroes in the midst of these tragedies for sure. I see them. I see good. I see light. I see happy moments. I see joys. I see silver linings. But they are harder to find. The news certainly hides them from our view. The yuck in the world overshadows any bliss. I find myself reaching further than I ever have to see the bright spots. I find myself wondering how the future will affect my children and heaven forbid-their children. I can't see it getting any better. The world has a history of hurtling itself toward destruction-of our values, our beliefs, our civility, and each other. We are headed on a fast track there right now. I'm not depressed. I'm not a doomsday girl in any way. I'm not suicidal or wanting to die. I believe life is precious and EVERY moment counts. It is a gift. But it is also a trial. Sometimes as of late I find myself thinking in the very far reaches of my mind, "Ya know, it really wouldn't be that horrible if I didn't wake up tomorrow." And I know others who feel the same way. I don't have a death wish, but there are much worse things than dying. Watching the things I love and believe in disintegrate before my eyes is very disheartening...and as someone who believes that only a Savior can save us at this point, sometimes I wouldn't mind just waking up closer to Him.

Closer to Heaven

But there is always grace. Mercy that Heaven uses as it throws a life preserver at us. And I received one. Two Sunday nights ago I had been feeling a little defeated, but still okay as I sat with my family. I have always worked with small children and am, therefore, a floor sitter. On Sunday, I had chosen kneeling as part of my floor sitting routine and sat for a good 45 minutes when I noticed a stinging on the upper, inner part of my right calf. I thought maybe a bug had bitten me when I had been on a walk in our nature preserve park earlier in the evening. When I pulled my pant leg up for inspection, my curiosity quickly turned to concern.

Sorry for the graphic grossness, but you can see why I was alarmed.
This was in the ER.

There was a lump the size of an egg under my skin and it was growing rapidly. I got up and scrounged for an ice pack. By the time I found a frozen pack of almonds to put on my leg the lump had swollen to the size of a large baked potato under my skin. Outside of childbirth I have never experienced such excruciating pain. The swelling happened so rapidly I wasn't sure how much larger my leg could swell before bursting. My leg was black within a half hour and I couldn't walk. I laid on the living room floor sobbing and crying out to God to help me. I had my head in Meghan's lap as we tried to figure out whether to call an ambulance or see if Chad could carry me to the car so we could transport me to the ER ourselves. I was pretty sure I had a blood clot or aneurysm that was going to burst and I was going to die right in my own living room. The thought of leaving my children and family and anyone who loves me or counts on me had me in a panic. I was terrified of my life ending. I realized I do want to wake up. I do want to live. I do want to make a difference in a crazy, scary, unsure world. I want to have all the blessings and experiences of mortality-even the scary ones that show me I am indeed mortal.

Long story short, I had a large blood vessel burst causing a large, painful hematoma. We aren't sure how-the baffled doctor figured it was the perfect storm of kneeling for so long in one place and the pressure built up while I knelt. I know it was God's way of telling me to buck up and appreciate the life He has given me. I will be bruised for a long time. I don't know when the pain will stop. It has been positively engulfing at times. The bruise has spread as the blood disperses. It's hard to wear shoes-and you know how I love shoes. This lump will take some months to vanish. There is a lot of internal bleeding in my leg as my body tries to reabsorb the blood. It is ugly. It is still scary. One of my kids at school told me I should be a zombie for Halloween because I already looked like one! But I'm alive!!!!

The point I am trying to make is that life is precious. I want it. I'm ready to once again rally and embrace it. I'm grateful for my scare and the sense it knocked into me-however painful. And I am so very grateful for the examples of my friends who make me yell LIFE:BRING IT! Yes, I am grateful.