Broken

The fragile cage around my heart

My Meghan has a favorite band. They are really growing on me. Their lyrics speak to the soul. She plays a song often that I really like. It's hitting a little close to home today.

I think that in general the human race is a little broken. That's what makes us human. We live in this rat race, trying to sort out our own hearts and minds, and then the hearts and minds of everyone else are thrown into the mix. Sometimes it becomes quite chaotic. It makes my mind feel very crowded and noisy. And sometimes it breaks my heart. It makes me tired. It tends to make my day look a little cloudy.

I'm a lover. That's all there is to it. I love loving. I don't feel alive unless I am sharing my love and my friendship and my light with everyone. I feel like we can all love. I feel like we can all give. I feel like we can all be kind. I feel like if there are feelings to be talked out, they should be talked out. I feel like the truth can be told. Even when it hurts. Truth can be told gently. My natural inclination is to be happy. And then I want everyone else to be happy as well. I am sure that to others it may look as though I am simple minded over all of this, and maybe I am, but it's really not that hard to be kind. 

Humans need to feel like we control our own lives. We really don't have a whole lot of control when it comes down to it. Although we do tend to paint ourselves into situations, a lot of life just happens. Figuring out how to react to it is another story. And figuring out how to react to others....well that is the big conundrum. We hurt each other when we don't understand each other. It's how we humans regain control in our brains. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Maybe I'm overthinking things, but...

It makes me remember a little scene in the movie Home Alone...what good is having a heart if you never use it?

 

Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose


I'm broken today. I feel fragile and hurt. My heart wants to close up shop. But that's not how I roll. Though I'm a little exposed and a lot uncertain, this heart of mine is meant to be used to capacity, and I have not reached capacity yet. Though I feel a bit insecure in moving forward, it's the only way I know to go. So while I may have to keep a close eye on the strain on my heart, it will be up and running again soon. I've got a good group of peeps to help me do it. And I'm grateful.

The sun will rise and we will try again-Twenty One Pilots