Pants Scared Off....check✔️

I did it. It is a done deal. I lived it. It was amazing. I want to go do it again. And I am so grateful!

We just got home from St. Maarten...from watching my 747 land on the tiny strip of runway on one of the most precious islands I have ever had the privilege to visit. Mind you, I have not gallivanted to many islands, but the island of St. Maarten is pretty special.

Having that jumbo jet zoom right over my head scared the pants off me.....and it was one of the most exhilarating things I have ever done. I wish our lives had Tivo for moments like that. I would re-live it a million times over!

When I was getting ready to take this trip, I explained to a friend of mine that watching a 747 land on Maho beach was a bucket list item of mine. My friend wanted to know why I would say it was on my bucket list when it was really a dream. My friend said, "GO because you have a dream and you're living it, not because you're dying and you have to get something done." I loved that! It began a whole new thought process for me. So I went, and I lived because I had a dream.

Ilets de la Baie de l’Embouchure-the island you can walk to.



In the jeep on the crazy roads. We counted 2 stop signs there. There
are roundabouts galore and so many scooters that zip in and out of traffic.
The island boys can ride wheelies for miles on them.

Resident turtle at The Butterfly Farm
http://www.thebutterflyfarm.com/

One of the elusive blue butterflies-they are hard to capture a photo of with their wings open

I wish I could describe in any way that would be fitting the beauty, majesty, glory, and friendliness of the island of St. Maarten and have it be understood. I wish I could have taken all the people that I love with me so that they could experience the surreal yet vivid and exquisite surroundings we were in. When I say God makes breathtaking wonders, it is a drastic understatement. I wish I could tell in minute detail all the wonders we digested during our stay. I wish I could expose everyone to the genuine kindness and pure joy of JUST BEING ALIVE that those islanders have. I wish I could make everyone in the world feel as welcome as they made us feel there. And I wish the world could feel the sense of serenity we had while we were in paradise. Island time is a real thing and this world could use a lot more of it.

Our beautiful hotel and the view from our room

Flying time!

The beaches around our hotel
http://www.alegriasxm.com/

Waiting for my 747

Catching a butterfly with kindness and a little nectar

Divi-Little Bay

Downtown at night

Heather and Meghan love you

Shiny camel in the airport

Beautiful, exquisite people

I cannot convey the gratitude that I have for being able to go live these experiences. I know I am richly blessed to have been able to do this. I know it was a privilege and I do not take it lightly. I am grateful. For life, for beauty, for love, for dreams.

The old fort in Divi Little Bay

***(I'm not gonna lie. Getting home was awful-a nightmare that lasted over 26 hours. Horrible plane rides, missed flights, throwing up children on flights, mean attendants, delays, incidences that make it so you cannot taxi up to the gate....I had more panic attacks than I can describe. BUT-I have NEVER been so grateful to set foot in Utah, and I did LOVE flying over the ocean and seeing the crystal waters in the Atlantic.)

Panic at the Disco

August. This is when panic hits my heart and my brain. I know I still have just over 2 weeks of summer left, but it has already gone so fast, and I know the next few weeks will be a blur of throwing as many activities into the mix as possible so that we feel like we lived EVERY second of summer. I have to admit that we have really done well this summer. We've had fun. We've relaxed. We've traveled. We are going to travel a little more.

The drive in movie with the fam. The movies were not so good. The company was fantastic!

 But I always want more.

This year is a little different, as well. This year my BABY is a senior. Life changes constantly but this change seems big. I already get lonely when Chad is at work and Meghan is out "adulting". This is precisely the reason that I work. Though my job has many little perks (about 600 of them), combatting loneliness is the driving factor in me being a working mom. When I'm home alone the TV or radio has to be on or I go a little crazy in all the quiet. I LOVE being a mom. It is my favorite thing I have ever done. I will always be mom, but my character will have to evolve in this series...

While I have loved being able to revel in my summer, I have also agonized about various things. Something I worry about regularly is "missing out". When I try to explain this to people I tell them that every year around the 4th of July there are usually several fireworks events to go to. We always make it to at least one of them. By the second or third show, I tell my self "I don't need to go out and stay up late for more fireworks. I have seen them already. Chad gets up early-he needs his sleep. I should just be content to have seen the ones I already have." Then without fail, as I am sitting at home listening to fireworks pop off in the distance, I panic. Big time. I feel like I am missing something big, and if I don't go out there and get involved, I will regret it. I cannot describe the agony in my brain as I process this. The logical person in me tells me that it is okay, and that it is silly for me to be getting this worked up over missing something this trivial. But the emotional person in me is going insane that I might miss something big, and that I will never be able to make it up. And we're only talking about fireworks so far...

My goal is to go do as much as I can so I don't live a life of regret. I am not worried about getting to the end of my life and regretting that I haven't checked enough off my bucket list, I am worried about missing the things right in front of me. People. Opportunities Wonders. Moments. Concerts (insert Panic at the Disco and Twenty One Pilots). Memories. I am scared of losing them. Scared of not making them. The most ironic part of all of this is that I am scared... of life, of social activities, of new things. But I am trying to move forward, knowing the experience is worth the stress. And I will be grateful.

Post Script: For all who have asked, my trip to Maho Beach is in a week. I am excited. I will report!!

Broken

The fragile cage around my heart

My Meghan has a favorite band. They are really growing on me. Their lyrics speak to the soul. She plays a song often that I really like. It's hitting a little close to home today.

I think that in general the human race is a little broken. That's what makes us human. We live in this rat race, trying to sort out our own hearts and minds, and then the hearts and minds of everyone else are thrown into the mix. Sometimes it becomes quite chaotic. It makes my mind feel very crowded and noisy. And sometimes it breaks my heart. It makes me tired. It tends to make my day look a little cloudy.

I'm a lover. That's all there is to it. I love loving. I don't feel alive unless I am sharing my love and my friendship and my light with everyone. I feel like we can all love. I feel like we can all give. I feel like we can all be kind. I feel like if there are feelings to be talked out, they should be talked out. I feel like the truth can be told. Even when it hurts. Truth can be told gently. My natural inclination is to be happy. And then I want everyone else to be happy as well. I am sure that to others it may look as though I am simple minded over all of this, and maybe I am, but it's really not that hard to be kind. 

Humans need to feel like we control our own lives. We really don't have a whole lot of control when it comes down to it. Although we do tend to paint ourselves into situations, a lot of life just happens. Figuring out how to react to it is another story. And figuring out how to react to others....well that is the big conundrum. We hurt each other when we don't understand each other. It's how we humans regain control in our brains. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Maybe I'm overthinking things, but...

It makes me remember a little scene in the movie Home Alone...what good is having a heart if you never use it?

 

Bird Lady: I'm just afraid if I do trust someone, I'll get my heart broken.
Kevin McCallister: I understand. I had a nice pair of rollerblades. I was afraid to wreck them, so I kept them in a box. Do you know what happened? I outgrew them. I never wore them outside. Only in my room a few times.
Bird Lady: A person's heart and feelings are very different than skates.
Kevin McCallister: They're kind of the same thing. If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose


I'm broken today. I feel fragile and hurt. My heart wants to close up shop. But that's not how I roll. Though I'm a little exposed and a lot uncertain, this heart of mine is meant to be used to capacity, and I have not reached capacity yet. Though I feel a bit insecure in moving forward, it's the only way I know to go. So while I may have to keep a close eye on the strain on my heart, it will be up and running again soon. I've got a good group of peeps to help me do it. And I'm grateful.

The sun will rise and we will try again-Twenty One Pilots