I Could Be Wrong

Everyone is wrong sometime in their lives. We can't all be right all the time. I have never been terribly bothered if I am wrong. I don't think there's anyone who enjoys being wrong, but if I am wrong about something,  I'm not afraid to admit it.

That being said, I could be wrong. I hope not, but I am questioning my judgment.  "Guilt is a useless emotion," I said...yet I am consumed by it. "Don't think about the ouldas," I said....Yet I think about them constantly. I wondered if there were people that care about me-I wish I hadn't had to find out. I am plagued in a way I have never been before. I'm trying sort my way out of it.

 

Sarah Jane in her band uniform-marching band was one of her passions.

Isn't she lovely?

I lost my sister. My big sister, Sarah Jane. In a flash. No warnings or bells and whistles. She was just gone. Leaving her husband and daughters, leaving her mother, and sisters, and friends. Leaving this world with a huge, gaping hole in it. The hole my dad left with his passing was just starting to fill in a little. The struggles I have had for the past year and a half are just starting to clear up. I was just starting to find myself again. Just beginning to find the confidence to shine again. Then this. This devastation that many others have suffered. I have told several people that the day my mom and I went to buy Sarah Jane's burial plot (and let me tell you, you never picture yourself saying those words-"buying my sister's burial plot") my mom said to me, "Heather, do you realize we have done this every 18 months-3 times now?" First her mother, then my dad, now my sister. All three  of them had been living in my mom's house at the time of their passing. The hurt. Oh, the hurt of that realization has come crashing down on me. No wonder I am tired. No wonder that I wander around in a haze, hoping that at least some of the time I make sense.  I am not the only one who has lost a sibling. I don't walk this path alone, I know. But I am struggling. I am not complaining. I am not railing against God or questioning my core beliefs. I am just trying to catch my breath.

Me, Amy, and Sarah Jane

All 4 sisters



Christmas in Yucca Valley at my Grandparents Summers

Gosh I miss her. I wasn't ready. None of us were. You never are. I am not one of those people who believes that God needed her more than we do. He is God. He has everything He needs at His disposal. He has legions of angels to respond to His every direction. I DO believe that there are more tools in His realm for the angels that are there to help us than there are on this earth, and He will let our loved ones use all the tools at His disposal to help us over here. I feel angels, and I'm grateful I have a benevolent Heavenly Father who lets them be here to help us and spur us forward.

Sarah Jane, my mother's parents, newborn Amy and me

I have always been blessed to see the big picture. To have faith oozing from every pore. I have been able to take loss- I don't like it, but I know it is a part of life.  I always see the blessings. I've always rallied quickly. I still do. I still will. But I'm having a bit of a hard time getting my footing. I feel guilt in a way I never have before. Did my sister get taken because I needed to learn something? Is there something more I shoulda done? I shoulda left my selfishness behind when I wondered if there are people who care about me. Having her die has brought so much love and attention to me and my well being. I have had well wishers by the bucket load helping me and feeding me and texting me and befriending me. I know I am thought of. I get scared my sister had to die so I could see that. I worry that I was just beginning to share my light, and now I feel dim again. I want to be a light to all I know-I want to be happy and positive and energetic and joyful...and I'm having a hard time gathering myself off the floor to be that person right now. Oh, it's in my heart, but I can't quite bring it to the surface yet. I fret, I cry, I feel guilty and out of control. THEN I STOP. I know my  God -the God I serve, the God I love. My God does not take a beloved sister from the whole world so I  could learn a lesson. But when He allows life to happen, he also lets blessings, and realizations, goodness and mercy snowball from an event. Then those good things and silver linings show up not only in my life, but the lives of many. Paying it forward. Sharing the light. Letting others share theirs. Helping others to receive the blessings that come from service and love.

Christmas Eve at my mom's

With her one true forever love, Brandon, and my mom

Happy SJ with Radar at her side

The Tabernacle where Sarah Jane's husband, Brandon does recitals. Their daughters
with my daughter, Meghan.

So maybe I'm not wrong. Maybe I just see that it's okay if I take lessons from the trials and losses, despite the hurt I feel. I see that though I love to give and share my light, it's also good that others get a chance to share theirs. The goodness should be allowed to come full circle. THAT is God's plan. For us to give when we are strong so others can give when we are weak. That guilt doesn't help when a person is taken from us, but thinking about ways to better ourselves while mourning is a good thing. That the ouldas really don't change the past, but can help us with the future. And that when we ask to be shown something good, God does not punish us for asking, but he may use a situation that is already in play to help us see what we were asking for.

 

 

I miss Sarah Jane. I know I always will. I don't think that grief gets better, or that time heals, but I do think time teaches you how to live with that grief, and that God and His angels-both heavenly and earthly-help in that process. There are blessings in every trial. Losing my sis is a hard pill to swallow, but in our tragedy, love was poured out upon us. We saw people we haven't seen in decades-and we might not have seen them any other way. We remembered all the good. We celebrated Sarah Jane's life. We bonded together. And I am grateful.

Turnabout

There's nothing in the world like the feeling that you have made a difference-that the gestures and overtures made have touched hearts and minds and souls. I am always giddy when I know I have made a dent of goodness in the course of another human life. I live for it. I relish that feeling. I am SO VERY thankful when I can listen to, and act on promptings I receive. Though I miss many, I'm glad the ones I catch on to matter to someone. I love receiving texts and letters, calls, and quick conversations in the store-thanking me for something very small that I might have done or said for another person at "just the right time." It helps me know I am listening. It helps me know I am a good person. And as I have said before-I TAKE NO CREDIT for this. Heaven constantly bombards me with thoughts and prompts and ideas of what I need to do and when. I am exceedingly grateful when I listen and am able to get it right. I'm grateful Heaven trusts me with these tasks.

Sometimes I'm exhausted with the spurs from Heaven that are relentless in their constancy and urgency. I am only human. I LOVE being a conduit to whisperings of good things, but I get tired. Sometimes, as I am thanking Heaven for helping me to do good, I quietly, yet humbly whisper, "But what about me?" And I am always, completely, unquestionably reassured-that I matter too.

There are LOADS and BUCKETS of people that I check in on regularly. There are dozens daily....and it's still not enough. I never make my quota. I go to bed fretting about the people I didn't get to. I worry about each one of my peeps. I pray for you. I think about you. I put time and energy into figuring out what I can do for you and what will make the biggest impact on your worth; your value, your self-esteem and your worries. But I have to admit that being the tiny human that I am, I find myself wondering if the people that I go out of my way for ever think to check on me, too.  Do they think about me? Do they wonder if I'm okay? Do they know I need some help standing back up? Do they know I need to feel my worth, too?                               WELL, THEY DO. Let me make that clear. I do get checked on. I do get thanked. I do get reminded that my notions and insights are timely and well received. I get help. I get reassurance. I get love. And that is why I am writing this blog post today. To say thank you. Thanks for thinking of me, too. Thanks for picking me up when I am down. Thanks for letting me know that I matter. Thanks for telling me I make a difference. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for the turnabout, for the full circle, for the blessings you give back to me.

It makes me so grateful to know that Heaven can speak to all of us. That you can be sitting in a meeting and feel like you should text me and let me know I'm good at something you are hearing about in your meeting. I'm grateful that you feel like you should comment on my blog. I'm grateful that you would feel like you need to say hi, or ask me how my life is, or bring me a sugar cookie. For sending me things you find on Pinterest or memes that remind you of me. For sending me cloud pictures. For calling out of the blue, for sending me cards, for saying hi, for just being there-silent or loud. I'm grateful for YOU. Yes, every one of you that have taken a moment out of your busy life just to check on little old me. If you only knew what that does for my soul....well, you'd be amazed. And that's what it's all about, really. Taking the good and sending it back around. For showing it does make a difference and it's worth doing again and again. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm grateful.

Who's Listening

I try to be a good listener.  After almost 5 decades on earth I like to think I've gotten better.  But I admit I struggle sometimes.  They say the best way to listen is with intent to understand, and I agree. Most of us harbor such a need to be heard that we forget to listen to others,  much less understand them. I have "feelings" to do things for others pretty much all the time. My brain is full of them. "Call her, text him, check on them, write a letter, give a gift, stop by, make sure they are noticed, make sure they know they are appreciated, make sure they know they are loved".....so much going on all the time. I listen to many of them. But I'm the first one to admit that life gets in the way. What if I am tired or distracted, or don't feel well, or I question the origin of my thoughts-is it really something I am supposed to do or is it just a passing "Heather" thought? I have decided that if it is good, I need to do it. And I try. It is one of my missions in life. And something I come by rightly. Listening is something my mother has always done with grace and beauty. I have had a wonderful teacher and example in watching her do this my whole life. Between her and my dad, we learned often what listening can do. And as it is Memorial Day, I have to give some kudos to my dad for helping me from Heaven to hear some of those promptings a little more clearly.

Mom and Me-I call her my mini me.

Remembering his service in the Army

Angel Dad-Helping From Heaven

 

 

For the past 18 months I have been trying to hone the skill of listening....to others, to my family, to my intuition, to my heart, and to promptings about what I need to say and do. I have always thought I had this skill down quite nicely, but I have learned ....that there's always more to learn, and always room to grow. I have heard many more promptings because I have been listening intently, but there are many I have missed-or dismissed-because life has been hectic and demanding. I am always so grateful when I follow through-grateful that I can hear the prompting, and then grateful I could be of service or help wherever I was prompted to be. When I haven't followed through, I have been disappointed in myself. But as I have watched, and listened, and tried to become better, I have found that even if I have missed cues along the way, another one is sent that I DO catch on to. That makes me so grateful. I worry about missed chances. I worry about opportunities that fall to the wayside...but because I have been more vigilant, they come back around by the grace of God.  I am offered those chances again in other ways and times. I love that!

The other night I ran into one of my dear friends-one of the girls I had in Young Women's. I LOVE her! She is amazing. We had texted on Mother's Day, but the last week I kept feeling like I needed to text her and check on her. Things were crazy at work as school was winding down, so I kept telling myself I would do it later. Then I ran into her at Costco. My heart was full of joy because I hadn't seen her in person in so long, but also because she told me some news about a family member who really needed my prayers. News that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't run into her. I was so grateful that this opportunity was sent back around to me. Grateful to see her and her beautiful little family. Grateful to be in the right place on the right time. And this was after running into another one of my dearest friends just 10 minutes earlier in the front of the store. Someone I love dearly and had been needing to check in with. So I was sent to Costco at the very time I needed to be there-and good things happened. This is just one in hundreds of experiences that I have every week. And one I was so very happy to receive.

I realize that not everyone believes in the same God I do. But pretty much everyone believes in a higher power, or intuition, or something bigger than themselves. We all  have that chance to listen to whatever it is that spurs us to do better and achieve good things. My God is benevolent and doles out chance after chance-and as a puny human, but one that is HIS daughter-I am grateful. He keeps me in the loop, even if I don't catch on the first time around. The good news is that I am not the only person who can receive notions to do good. EVERYONE can. So when I can't get to it, I pray that someone else can. I pray that someone else will. And I will be grateful.

#Worthless

Could have, should have, would have. Worthless words that change absolutely nothing-yet we humans cling to those phrases like they are our lifelines. They aren't. They help nothing. They mean nothing. What's done is done. Life is short. We don't have time for that!

There's something to be said for having regret-it hopefully keeps us from repeating past mistakes...but it sure doesn't change them. And it's good to review our actions, to see where we can improve or make better decisions. But too many times, the coulda, shoulda, woulda's come and take over when in reality acceptance of what happened is the only answer. Own it, then move on. There is no control over what happened-only control over what can happen next. The next step after that is up to you. You can take what happened and learn from it, or let it happen again...and that's pretty much it. Face the storms...then move forward.



Moving on-out of the clouds and into the sun.


The older I get, and the more I learn, I realize we humans beat ourselves up over things instead of learning from them enough to move on and LIVE. That's what we are here for. Only what we learn and our experiences go with us. I have A LOT MORE LIVING to do! There are so many things I want to do-and sorting out feelings of regret over things I cannot change is a pastime I can live without. So I'm trying to get the learning done as early on as possible so I can EXPERIENCE while I am still in human form. I want to do the things that are meant to do in mortality. I want to go places. I want to be a participant in the human experience. I want to travel, I want to see, I want to love each moment.



EXPERIENCES



 

I find myself so very grateful that I get  to love moments-just normal, human, everyday things. I am so blessed that I don't have to wander around trying to find shelter from the next bomb or landmine, I don't go ravaging for daily food, or even shelter. I have a place to eat, to sleep, to work, to play, and to call my own. I know there are people with so much more than me~ and I'm okay with that.  I am grateful to be average. I'm grateful to be able to love, and be loved. I'm grateful to experience joy. I could choose to focus on the coulda shoulda wouldas, but even God has said man should have joy,  and I don't want to miss any.  Life is just too short.  So while I will continue to make utterly human mistakes,  my plan is to get the lesson learned as quickly as possible so I can enjoy the goodness in the world instead of the regrets. And I will be truly and so humbly grateful.

Oh! And for the record, if you're having a hard time letting go of the "ouldas", there's no better way to move past them than to do something for someone else.  Reaching outside of yourself to share light with others takes the spotlight off you and your past,  and puts the focus on good-for you and the person you're reaching out to.  LOVE LIKE A WARRIOR.  It's a sure bet. And you'll  be grateful too.