Where do I
even begin? I have started a blog post no less than a dozen times in the last
month. I have tried. Several things happen simultaneously. ----The next disaster occurs, I find
myself worrying about which topic I should cover, and then every thought I ever
had leaves my brain. No matter how fast I try to catch even one of those
thoughts, they vanish into thin air making me dazed and confused. From then on,
it’s “what day is it?”, “what was I supposed to do?”, “what is my name again?" It's like trying to catch a fly with chopsticks! There's a very low chance I could actually do that-it's nearly impossible. But I still keep trying to catch the meandering thoughts from all together escaping.
I’m quite
sure I’m not the only one that feels this way. Humans are in overload. From
mothers homeschooling 3 kids in 3 different schools to people going in to try
to teach kids with masks in very warm conditions and follow all the crazy instructions, to trying to
build a savings account, to loss of loved ones, to job loss and shortages, to trying to understand
what is really happening in this world and what is not...it’s a handful. Add to
that new disease (yes, find your own ailment) Coro-quak-eriot-fira-hurrica-nocoina-feari-maski-canemia, and you’re dealing with a lot more. And that's just IN ONE WEEK! Then you buckle in for the next thing that will most certainly hit!
I'm a go-getter, especially about things I know I can do or accomplish. I don't always have faith in myself, though I do have persistence and a belief that if the Lord wants me to do it, He will provide a way. But I do have to hit my reset button much more than I am used to. Where I have always had my cry or my breakdown once or twice a month, right now it can be several times in one day. I can't describe the things I worry about now. SO many of them are much bigger in my head than they really are, but my brain is on overload, so my heart goes on overload as well. I'm serious. Between oxygen deprivation, stress and worry about literally EVERYONE, there has not been a day in months that I don't have severe chest pains. How would I ever know if I was having a heart attack? It feels like one every day. But I know a majority of the world can relate right now. We are all on high alert. For the next event. For the next bandwagon. For the next plague or natural disaster, riot, change, argument, fear, mismanagement, misunderstanding, accusation, or interruption. And it is HEAVY. For everyone.
I was pondering much of this during an especially hard week. We had some traumatic/dramatic, life-altering events this week that really threw us off course (although we have been off for quite some time already.) I literally didn't know how I was going to make it from one minute to the next. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...I have truly been in a "what day is it" frame of mind all week. And it's not over. But here's the bright side. You wanted extra time in your week-well I have a new day to give you..BLURSday! Isn't that perfect? I have Blursday every day. I can't say my mind is any more at ease but it's fun to say.
AAAAAANNNNNDDDDD....with that being said, I'm still Heather. Yes. there is a ton happening with me. It is hard. It's not fun. I am trying to be brave and tell others not to worry about me. Being Heather, it makes me feel better to check on everyone else. To offer my love and service and candles and food and comfort. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. I will be the first one to tell you I will NEVER reach perfection. But I want to give nonetheless. So let me first apologize for the people I haven't gotten to. I have really really tried. I am just not Wonder Woman, as much as I long to be. It doesn't mean you are not on my mind and in my prayers. I know I can't fix your life for you but hopefully I can show you that you are cared for and thought about and prayed for, and that you are valued by me. I hope you feel some of God's love through my care for you, because I know that is a mission in my life-to share His love by giving all of mine. Then we get to the next part...
I absolutely know that I love hard. I love readily, easily, and at all costs. I am ALL in. While I will never apologize for loving, I will apologize for overloading you with my love. I don't EVER want anyone to question or doubt my love. Sometimes it comes on strong and sometimes it might feel intense-but it's genuine and I give it because it's what I know. I realize sometimes people need space and time to feel things out on their own, and I think that is a good skill to have. If that happens, I will still love you just as hard. But I respect your feelings. I work on myself constantly to be the kind of person that makes the world a better place. I have read a multitude of books and listened to speakers who help me realize what to ADD to love to make my relationships even better. I read a book by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend and this struck me: "Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift. The heart that God has fashioned in His own image is at the center of our being. Its abilities to open up to love and allow it to flow outward are crucial to this life." I LOVE THAT! Yet I also realize "When we accept others freedom to make choices we don't feel guilty or angry or withdraw our love when others set their boundaries. When we accept others freedom, we feel better about our own." I am trying desperately to realize this. And I am soaking up as much as my jumbled mind will let me. I'm doing the best I can. I may not read you perfectly, but I will give it my best shot. We've GOT to stick together during these crazy times so we can get back to normal-NOT a new normal. That isn't even an option. We need our normal back. And I'm going to keep pushing for it. Together is the only way.
So what at is the purpose of all this rambling? Easy. The world is hard. There's still good. You are loved. By me. By God. I respect your choices and what you need. I am always here for you-accessible even if I don't respond immediately. I will get to you and you will know you can count on me. If not physically at that moment, at least in my heart until I do get there. There is always room for you. And I am grateful.
