We are in the middle of a season of love. One of peace and charity, well-wishing and goodwill toward men. I have always reveled in this time of year...it brings me joy. It gives me hope. It makes me happy and restores my belief in goodness. This time of year makes me believe in love-as if I didn't already...but also that everyone is capable of giving it and receiving it. You can love-whether you've lost, been hurt, been unappreciated, been afraid-even if you're broken. You can be loved, even if you don't feel worthy, even if you're alone, even if you have lost, even when life is hard. And you're darn tootin you can love at Christmas. That's what it's all about. That's why some of us love to carry Christmas in our hearts everysingleday. Every season.
I remember the lonely and alone right now. I actually remember them all the time. Not just at Christmas. There's a lot of hard stuff in this world. For everyone. Love cures a lot of those hard things. I'm grateful for the reminders to be sensitive. But there are sensitive situations our whole entire lives, every single day. How amazing that we can think of others and be kind all the time, not just right now!
I know life hurts. People come and people go. Bad things happen. Hearts get broken. People are lonely. Trials come upon us. Loved ones die. People make decisions that aren't the ones we expect. Everyone has something they are dealing with. I get it. This time of year that is all about love and joy and togetherness can be a little lacking for someone who is dealing with matters of the heart. But EVERYONE deals with matters of the heart. Watching Guardians of the Galaxy put it in perspective for me when Rocket says, "Everybody's got dead people." At first I thought it was so harsh, but it's true. I think if we all remembered that EVERYONE has dead people (or trials or loss or loneliness etc.) that maybe we'd be a little bit kinder-and love a little bit better.
It's okay to be joyful ANY time of year. It's okay to give love and hope to others. ALWAYS. Even to people who are sad or lonely or not enjoying this time of year. There's a good chance that showing a little kindness and Christmas spirit might be the very thing that helps someone through. The little teeny acts of good will go a lot further than the moment. SO love. It is always okay to love. It's what we're here to learn. It's what we're here to do. I'm almost embarrassed how easily I love. It pours out of me-literally (I cry a lot) and figuratively. Oh, I get hurt too. I get grumpy at selfishness. I get stung at misunderstanding. I get tired of feeling used. I get frustrated when I feel my love isn't being returned. But at the end of it all I find myself loving anyway. I can close my heart right up and wrap duct tape around it, but somehow the love finds any unblocked crack and oozes out regardless. It finds a way over the wall. It seeps under the foundation and out where it is supposed to be-with all the imperfect people and all the unfair situations. So I love you da*mit! Receive my love because it's comin' at you anyway! That's just how it's going to be. Right now at Christmas, and all the year through.
All my demons have ganged up on me in the last few weeks. I have been healing from surgery, mostly house-bound with a lot of time on my hands and a mind that already overthinks EVERYTHING. I can't lift, bend, stretch (I miss you Pilates!!) clean, push a grocery cart, carry laundry down the stairs or vacuum (my therapy.) I have to watch others do the work I should be doing and stew in my own crazy brain. I miss my job-all my little kiddos and the phenomenal people I work with. I'm awaiting with eager trepidation all the little hugs I will receive when I return to work. Eager for the hugs, trepidatious because my midsection is still vulnerable. The days have gone by fast; I can't believe it's already December, but each hour is an eternity. I understand needing to heal-the days I try to do too much send me backwards, but I can't take much more. Though I know my convalescence is necessary, I feel trapped in my own life, and I'm drowning in anxiety.
This time of year is what I live for. It is what my entire year revolves around-feelings of peace, goodwill, happiness and joy. Christmas is in my heart always. Though my tree is up, and my house is decorated to the hilt, I feel like I am missing out a little this year. The whole experience of being out in the thrill of all things Christmas is a little lacking. A lot of my anxiety is the feeling that I am not living this season to its fullest. I'm not sharing love and good will- I'm taking it from others, which is all part of the cycle but I feel guilt just the same. So I am desperately searching out every bit of magic I can find.
It needs to be said that I have been treated beautifully. I have been visited and sent gifts. I have been brought food and books and movies. I have had wonderful conversations with people. I have had a wonderful team of health care specialists do exceptional work concerning my well being. My family has been patient and helpful. On the days that I am about to pop, someone steps in to ease my craziness with a drive to see Christmas lights, a walk in the cold, a quick trip to the store. I am beyond grateful for the love and care I have received.
I have to interject here that God has been so good to me. My surgery went better than I could have imagined, although my doctor ran into complications and extra work. My healing has been steady. I know that Heaven has a hand in that. When my body and soul are heavy with anxiety and fear, God has heard me and tried to gear my thought processes in different directions than the ones that are eating me alive. And I know this has been a big job for Him. I am truly, utterly amazed at His grace and love for me. I am so unworthy, and so very human. I revel at His patience with me.
While sitting here for weeks on end with my brain in over-drive is making me insane, I have had to face reconciliation with a lot of my demons. The demons that tell me I'm not good enough (especially while I feel worthless, sitting around all day), that I should have tried harder, that I'm not making the kind of difference that counts, that I should have said something different, that I should have made different choices. I am having to face those thoughts head on and decide what to do with them. I am trying to accept the fact that "what-ifs" are of no use whatsoever. The reconciliation has come through copious amounts of thought, reassurance from others, blessings from Heaven, and a lot of work on my part. Though I am still smack-dab in the middle of this process, I will say the silver lining in staying too still is that you have to work through things...there's really no other choice. I have been advised to search for opportunities to experience the joys I crave, even if they are not the ones that I am used to participating in at this time of year. I am assured that opportunities will be there, and I'm praying I can keep my head above anxious waters while finding joy and sharing it with others. And I will be grateful.
