Ace in the Hole

If you know me personally, you know about my "Father Saga". If you don't know me, let me put it in a nutshell. For years now (but especially the last 3 years) my dad has made a habit of trying to die.  Often. And not because he is wanting to, but his body fails on him repeatedly. My dad is in kidney failure and on dialysis. He is literally on "the brink of death" about every 6 weeks. He has pneumonia, or he is in congestive heart failure, or he has gone septic (definition: Sepsis occurs when chemicals released in the bloodstream to fight an infection trigger inflammation throughout the body. This can cause a cascade of changes that damage multiple organ systems, leading them to fail, sometimes even resulting in death.) There is always some variation on my dad's latest "death moves", but it gets old-for him, and everyone who loves him. This is the pattern: Dad is in the ER, then is moved into the ICU. His life is at stake. The word is spread, people start praying, and my dad makes truly biblical miraculous recoveries. He has cried wolf more than Peter! I am grateful beyond expression that my dad is still with us, especially after this last 2 week series of death threats, but the emotional roller coaster that this takes my family and me on is absolutely staggering.

Meg and I at McKay Dee Hospital after a sobering day with dad.

I do not like this place. Wonderful people. Lots of emotions.



My poor little dad after dialysis. He now

weighs less than me. He was freezing!

My dad gets more kind and humble with every episode. And he has always been those things anyway. He is so grateful to all the wonderful people who help to save and sustain his life. He is good at enduring. I wish he didn't have to. My mom runs around like a little pint-sized runway model, looking fresh as a daisy and spouting fountains of faith and kindness. As far as I'm concerned, she has earned her nursing degree!

Last spring after a round of the game "trying to die with dad".

I on the other hand go into anxiety mode for a bit. While this is an automatic reaction for me, I don't stay in anxiety mode for long. I rally quickly. I may be blue for a minute (or two, maybe a little more) but I gather myself quickly and move forward. It is almost  funny when people ask me how my dad is doing. You just never know. He has outwitted the grim reaper so many times I feel like people think I just make this stuff up. I am able to talk with a smile no matter what is happening to my dad because. A) He makes me happy, B) I came equipped with no small amount of faith (probably not nearly as much as my mom, but enough to make it) and C) I have an Ace in the Hole. I HAVE MY PEEPS. My people are my Ace in the Hole. People who love me, who love my family, who rally around me in a multitude of ways. Through phone calls and texts, prayers and letters, lighting a candle at Mass, putting my family on prayer rolls, saying I love you, and just generally being a person in my life. Whether they are here physically or not, able to help directly or not, by just being in my life, you make a difference. I have had people offer to bring in meals, teach for me at church, tell me they will cover me at work, offer to drive my mom to different hospitals, and offer their homes and belongings. I have also had people message me and say "I'm thinking of you." or "Your parents meant so much to me when they were my Sunday School teachers".  It all means the world. Every thought, every action. Thank you. Thank you for being part of me. I love you. I don't know what I would do without you. You change my life and make it better. I hope I repay you in any small way. I am grateful.



Me and my Meg and my blue streak. Thanks to my peeps for loving my streak along with me.

And PS-my dad highly approves the blue streak! He made me promise I'd say that!

Dinner last night with mom and dad. Yes, he rose again. Until next time, Grim Reaper!

Spin It

I'm going for a new spin today....largely because I need it, but I figure with elections going on, everything is getting spun, so I might as well try it.

I started my Fall session of reading tests for my school district in this last week. It is a time of year that I love because the personal time I get to spend with so many children gives me hope for our future and feeds my spirit with good things. But it is exhausting. And I have had some major health issues this week. Ones that are getting figured out, but ones that have left me spent on every level. When I add the components of all the crazy and unique situations I am dealing with in my life, I am a little overwhelmed and emotionally charged. When I get to this point, I tend to start doubting myself, and I get upset that I cannot handle things as well as I want to. I have had to really limit myself physically the last couple of days and it has been very frustrating. I had huge plans with my extended family this weekend that I had to cancel because I need to take care for myself for a bit. So I have been just a little hard on myself because of what I view as a lack of strength on my part. I realize that this is something I need to work on...being okay with being human. I am feeling a little stronger today-because I have a wonderful family, a fabulous support group, a phenomenal doctor, and the help of Heaven working with me (and I have been taking a little better care of myself.) So I am gaining much needed perspective. For the record, walks late at night in the cooler air when the stars are out can give amazing perspective.

Some of the perspective I am gaining is that we humans are so, so hard on ourselves. WE ARE HUMANS. We have weaknesses. We will need help. We do need to slow down. We don't have to be perfect.

I am exceptionally good at picking out all of my weaknesses-especially when I am comparing myself to others (bad, bad habit-do NOT do this!!!!) or when I feel I am not as important in somebody's life as they are in mine (it's a seasons thing, people. Everyone is going through stuff. Just because they are not there exactly when we need them doesn't mean they don't care.)

As I have been finding all my flaws this week, I have realized how detrimental this is to me...as well as the people in my life. So in lieu of pointing out my weaknesses, I am going to focus on some of my strengths. This is not a list of things I want to show off. This is just a reminder that I am good at stuff-a lot of stuff. God gave me many gifts, and I am going to be grateful for them. Here goes....

-I am good at love. I do it fully. I give my all. I don't stop.

-I can find the good in EVERY person. Every time. If you know me in any way, I have found the good in you-many times over.

-I am a good listener.

-I am a good comforter.

-I can find the silver lining in any situation.

-I always give second chances. Or third, or fourth.....

-I rock at being a mom. I am NOT a perfect mom, but I am good at it. And I love it.

-I am an awesome cook. I can make almost anything taste good.

-I can clean anything better than 99% of the world. And I enjoy doing it.

-I can love the most unlovable of people, animals or things. I see the loveable things in them.

-I can find understanding in my heart for almost any situation. It may take time, but I will get there. Unless said situation involves just plain being mean. I will probably not be able to wrap my head around that.

-I clean up pretty dang good. I would rather be in sweatpants than any other article of clothing, but I can make them look good, and when I am not in sweatpants, I can fix myself up alright.

-I overcome my fears EVERY SINGLE DAY.

-I believe in magic. Of living, of loving, of things unexplained, of holidays, of experiences, and that EVERY being on earth has their own brand of magic to add to the mix.

-I rock at my job. I know what to do, how to do it, I can get along with anyone, I am good at teaching and loving children, and I understand why I am there.

-I learn from my experiences. I may have to have the lesson taught more times than I would like, but eventually I will learn what is being taught.

-I can usually see the bigger picture. Sometimes it takes a minute, but I can figure out what really matters in the long run.

-I feel Heaven and how close it is. I am able to rely on the feelings and promptings I get from there every day.

-I love life-even when it scares me. I realize how precious every moment is.

-I am able to count my blessings and do it often.