Enough

The complaining part will be over quickly. I promise. 

I've had it. I am so tired. Tired of this virus, tired of ten days turning to three weeks to ten months. Tired of lies and misinformation. Tired of politics. Tired of finger pointing. Tired of guesses and cover ups and sickness. Tired of not seeing faces or feeling warm hugs. Tired of smiling and knowing you can't see that I am. Tired of loneliness. Tired of not living fully. 

I'm not the only one. The world is weary.          What I also am, though, is proud we have made it this far...through more than we thought we would have to. I am grateful for all the people who have tried to help and encourage and lift during this time-those who have tried to lighten the load instead of add to the burden and chaos. I am amazed at the faith and resilience of those around me-especially the children who follow us, trusting that the adults around them are making the best decisions for them.  This is such a foreign world that we have thrust them into-and just expected them to roll with it, while we bumble through decision making for "everyone's"  benefit-even though no one is the same. I am humbled by the kindness of those around me who are going through their own trials, yet reach out and offer even more than they have just to make the world around them better. That's what this is all about. How we will rise to this. That is the part that matters. I am touched by the care than has been given to me-by my family, my friends, co-workers, neighbors, and doctor-who, for the record goes above and beyond anything a doctor should have to-all for my benefit and well being. He is stellar, and I pray he is blessed for it. 

I like to think I have handled my part with grace and kindness. I have tried not to be vocal. I have been wary since the get-go. I knew the second I saw the protective measures we are being mandated to take that my life would take a turn and that I would suffer because of it. I did it anyway. My job and my kids at school have been worth it. I have tried to make sure the care I have for others in the world has been manifest as I have followed the mandates, though I collapse on a regular basis. But this is what you do if you are a good person. And I am. 

Send me an angel

So good I almost became an angel. I have had close calls and have experienced times where I worried about losing my life, but I have never actually had my father there waiting for me until last week. I had to tell him I wasn't ready. 3 times. As my dad, I know he understood because my Heavenly Father was the one who saved me along with all the people who worked on me physically to resuscitate me, inject life saving epinephrine into me, and stuff the right drugs into me until I could breathe. If I thought there was terror in being stung by a bee and wondering if I would live, this was no comparison as far as fear goes. It's not even apples to apples. It's apples to whales. I honestly thought my family would have planned a funeral and I would be one with the earth right now. I stopped breathing. I closed up. My lungs were in a vice grip. I couldn't take in air. I disappeared from my body and went dark. I was pulled back by quick thinking on Chad's part. He stuck with me the whole way through. But knowing I was being pulled from this life sent me into a panic attack like I have never before experienced (and I am very experienced with them!) I know being pulled from my family and all the people I love spurred more panic which resulted in a cycle that took over 24 hours to break. Today I feel like a horse is on my chest instead of an elephant. Toxic carbon dioxide build up. It's real. Builds up over time. Over months. It changed my life. Now I have decisions to make and plans to put into action to be able to stay alive while trying to live under these conditions. I'm not being dramatic. This experience was dramatic. Dramatic enough for me to be intensely frightened, and truly humbled. I don't have to make the drama up. It accompanied the experience in high volumes. 

I am not here to argue any issue. I am not here to change minds. But I knew from the first buzzword of mandated measures that my life was going to change-and not in a good way. I knew it would affect my health-both physical and emotional. I knew I would have to make sacrifices to stay at my job and stay in the world. I hate curbside shopping. I honestly don't love grocery shopping at all, other than the fact that I have the most amazing Walmart buddy, Meghan, to go with me. We laugh and bond and egg each other on every time we go shopping-and I miss it.  The physical freedom of being there in the store is something I miss. There is something wonderful in being able to walk through a store and realize, "oh-we are out of that" or "that would be useful in my life" or "that is a great deal" as opposed to making a list that someone else gathers for you and hope you remembered all the little things. I do, however, realize that it is a blessing to be able to get my groceries this way right now. It takes undue pressure away from my family  so I have to be grateful it is something that can happen. Rest assured I am looking for every blessing. I am blessed to be alive. Truly blessed. I have gathered every scrap of sunshine and hope that I can from this experience. It became the catalyst in me being able to get oxygen in my home to help offset the oxygen I am not getting if I am out and about. I am truly grateful for that.

Ending note.....oh that's a hard one. Gratitude for sure. Joy in being alive. Wariness in what is ahead and how I can become whole in this world we live in. To find good in all things for sure.  Always. 

And then there's the title. Enough. I have had enough of the crummy, selfish, sad, and heart-wrenching things that are going on in our world. But to that I say....enough!!!  I'm tired of just sitting. Quite literally. Stand up. Be kind. BE THE GOOD. When you have had enough, do something. DO something different. Move. Be grateful you can. I'll move with you. And I will be grateful. So grateful. I'm alive-yet again. So I am grateful.