Monster is a Relative Term

Oh how I have debated on doing this post. I have gone back and forth. It's not my story, but it has truly changed my life and I can't stop talking about it. So I will share it because the whole world should have it. I want to give credit where credit is due, so the people who this is about, if they ever read it, should know they are the game changers-the life~savers-the inspiration that keeps me moving forward even on those days when it seems all is lost. So I thank them. Because there are days when this story literally saves my life.

There is a dinosaur collection in my house We have them in windows, on dressers and the entertainment center, in the kitchen, and all over Meghan's room. Each one of us has one on the dash in our car. But for months Meghan and I have bought dozens of them...to give away. We ran out. We bought out entire inventories of stores that are close to us. And when we found a special on Amazon, we bought 150 of them. That's right. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DINOSAURS. We give them away like people give away candy on Halloween. We can't help it.

For a long time I didn't know why we collect them. When we go to the store, and my 19 year old daughter asks for dinosaurs, and I say "sure". What's a dollar or two? One day we were in the midst of a very deep, spiritual, emotional conversation, and Meghan said, "Mom, have I ever told you why I collect dinosaurs?" My stellar mom response was:"Ummmmm...because they are cool?" Meghan proceeded to take my heart to a whole new level. She made me sob because of the urgency in which I needed to hear this very, exact message at that exact moment.

The short version is that she has a friend who is shy and a somewhat anxious. This friend is a dinosaur NUT. She loves them, knows EVERYTHING about them, and is obsessed with them. This friend was having a bad day. She felt hopeless and lost and more than downtrodden. She was in a bad place both literally and figuratively. She was literally working in the mud, and her future seemed muddy as well. She was ready to give up. All of a sudden she saw something in the mud. She reached down and picked it up-and it was a toy dinosaur.  Just a little plastic dinosaur, but a dinosaur. In the mud. Her favorite thing.  Something she loved.  And then she felt loved. She felt watched over. She felt like the little details about her and her life were being noticed and cared about-and to her it was by a loving God who hadn't forgotten her. It changed her whole day. It changed something in her.

(So at this point in the story I am crying. I can't begin to describe how much  I needed that message!  Everyone needs to know they are cared about-especially by their God that they trust in-and yes I leave room for the people who believe in a "higher power" or the universe. The fact remains we need to feel loved by something bigger than ourselves and my soul was crying out for this love at this exact moment in my life.)

But there's more. After Meghan heard this experience about the dinosaur, she was having a conversation with the same group of peers in which the dinosaur story had been told. They were considering, with worry and trepidation,  the state of the world. How this world is scary. It's sad and lonely and full of people who are careless and selfish and bad. There are tragedies and disasters and time only seems to bring the state of the world into a much sorrier place than it used to be. We hear so much negativity everywhere we go. So, they discussed, how do we make it? How do we stay positive and strong and have faith and give light? How do we soldier on and not become part of the sadness and sorriness? The group was pensive and silent as this they deliberated these thoughts in their heads. Tough question. A little hard on the spirit. As Meghan took this in, and remembered the lesson that had formed in her heart upon hearing her friend's story, she said, "We look for the dinosaurs in the mud."  OH MY HEAVENS!!!! The little things. HOLY COW! The tender mercies. OH MY GOSH! The good. The joy. Good deeds. The hand of God. The knowledge that we are being watched over. That we are noticed. That we count, even in our little tiny corners of our world. We conquer because WE FIND THE DINOSAURS IN THE MUD. They are everywhere, big and small, every day, every situation. So many dinosaurs.

My little inspirer

This changed my life. I am a self-professed seeker of joy and goodness. I am a finder of the silver lining. But this touched my soul and became seared across my heart, embedding itself in my very being. This story is MY dinosaur in the mud. It's not just a little dinosaur, either.  It's a flippin T-REX!! A monster-but monster is a relative term-especially here. I can hardly keep from blurting it out to everyone I see. I have handed dinosaurs to strangers, co-workers, neighbors, Walmart cashiers, you name it. This story saved my soul. It made me weep with gratitude-for the message, for the love in which it was given, for my sweet daughter knowing I needed it, and for the friend who stepped out of her comfort zone to share it. I can't get over it. And that's a good thing. I am on a daily search for dinosaurs in the mud. We share our dinosaurs of the day when we are together. My friends text me their dinosaurs that they find. Let's find all of them. I guess they aren't extinct after all. And I am grateful.

#DinosaursInTheMud

Ode to Sarah Jane

I was asked to speak at my sister, Sarah Jane's funeral, the day before the funeral. I get frightened in front of crowds, and I write much better than I speak, so this was a little bit terrifying for me. But I knew this could be my "ode to Sarah Jane" if I took this opportunity and shared a piece of her life with others. So many came to honor her, but I know there were many who could not make it  to see her or be at the funeral. I have been asked by many of the people who couldn't come if I would share my talk. My blog is the right place to do it. I had no written talk, just an idea and a hope that I would be divinely guided in my words. I had to listen to the recording and type as it went along and it took a lot of time to get it right, but I finally have it ready. Just a warning, as I listened to this talk, I realized I said "and" about a hundred times. I guess this is what you get when you don't write it down! This is what I shared:

Sarah Jane, me, Bethany and Amy after my dad's funeral.
Now the 4 sisters are down to 3.

Cute Sarah Jane

Brandon and Sarah Jane

MY TALK:

My first thought was remembering going to a meeting where Brandon was playing and Sarah Jane had been up there and she brought me up on the stand afterwards and she said, " Do you see that guy right there? I'm going to marry him!" And she did. And we're  grateful that she did!

I'm usually very prepared. I am like my mother. I am like Sarah Jane. I make lists. I like things in order.  And my mind has been blank. Completely blank . And I think the shock and the suddenness of her leaving us left my mind kind of mushy.  But I've prayed,  that as Enoch got the words he needed from the Lord put into his mouth, they will be put into my mouth. So to help me do that, I have been asked to tell some funny stories, that probably half of Providence knows one of them at least,  but I will open with a couple of those and that will lead into the message I need to give you.

When we lived in Silver City, Sarah Jane and I shared a room, and I was on the top bunk and she was on the bottom.  And I was sick one night, and I needed my mom, and I was afraid to speak, because I knew if I did, I would throw up. And I couldn't get off the top bunk to get down so I needed her to get mom.  And I kept saying, ( in a shaky voice) "Sarah Jane", and she was like, " WHAT?!?!? Shut up and go to sleep!"  And I said, "Sarah Jane!"  So after about the fourth time she leans  and looks up at me and says, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" And I went bllllaaaaaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhh" (throwing up all over her) and I'm sorry to take you to The Goonies movie; I don't want anybody to start throwing up…but it took  a LONG time for her to get over  that.  She was angry for a LONG time! And it got brought up often.

When we moved here, my cute little mother, if you know her, she loves to vacuum. It is her Zen.  And I have to admit I've picked that up from her. It's kind of a family quality. And we had to have our work done before my mom got home.  And Sarah Jane was lying on the floor one day, and she had long hair, and she wouldn't move so I could vacuum.  And I kept saying, "Sarah Jane, if you don't move, I'm going to suck up your hair!" And she wouldn’t do it and I got closer, and closer, and pretty soon, 'zhhhhooooooottt'-and the vacuum was stuck to her head! And we could not get it off.  My dad had to take the vacuum completely apart, and we had to unroll her hair, and pull it, and break it, and she was mad.  So Sarah Jane's (red) hair matched her temper sometimes.  And I think anybody who knew her could attest  a little bit to that. But she had a big heart like the rest of us do.  She learned during her lifetime that forgiveness is a quality we need, and it's something that the world needs.  And as she softened,  and learned to love bigger, and deeper, and harder,  that became part of her soul-to forgive.

It helped her in her job.  It helped her in her family.  It helped her to reach out to those who needed to know that forgiveness is available,  and that forgiveness sets you free.  That holding it for yourself imprisons you. And Sarah Jane was not in a prison where she needed to forgive, because she learned how to do it and taught the rest of us to do it too. She grew with wisdom, and with more beauty  the older she got, and I miss her.  And I love her.  And I'm grateful for her stalwartness and her faith.

We are blessed sisters.  My dad had faith but you all knew  my dad was a little bit…."colorful" at times. So my mom has been the rock that we all followed.  And Sarah Jane continued that history of being the "Rock of Faith", and we all hope to be like her, and like my sweet little mother and live so we can greet Heaven someday as I know Sarah Jane did-with a clear conscience and an open heart and excitement for what is beyond.

I love my family. I LOVE MY FAMILY! You girls are going to be okay. And we'll help you and we love you.

 As I have mulled this over the last couple of months, I am so grateful for lessons in forgiveness. It makes our lives so much less stressful if we will find a way to rid ourselves of the pain of hanging on to anger and resentment and just let our hearts be full of joy and forgiveness. I realize it is easier said than done, but it really is a CHOICE to forgive. It doesn't mean forgetting will be immediate, but shedding the anger and resentment and pain of someone's wrongdoing (perceived or real) gives such relief it is a literally a physical lightness of the heart. So just give that some thought-especially as you realize that anyone can be taken from you in a matter of seconds-at any time-and the pain of holding a grudge after someone is gone is much, much heavier than it is when they are here. Let it go. Leave it. Drop that weight. And remember to forgive yourself as well. That burden is one of the heaviest ones I can think of. I find it easy to forgive others. It's myself I usually struggle with the most. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Splurge on yourself today.

The other thing that has come to mind is that I don't want to have to forgive...that is, I don't even want a reason to be angry or sad or hold a grudge. I don't want any more weight than I am already carrying in my life! Relax. It is okay to let someone have their own opinion. You can even still be friends! When I look at the controversy on Facebook posts or news websites: Breastfeeding in public, hats that support America, whether pedophilia is a crime or a life choice....need I say more??? (I hope not because it makes me a little sick) and the ways that people tear into each other over these topics, it makes me sad that we waste our time looking to be offended (or offending others) and ruining friendships over these issues that we don't have to get mean about. Stirring a pot can make for very sore arms, if you know what I mean. If you're going to fight for something, fight for kindness and understanding. If we all did that, there wouldn't even need to be very much forgiveness, but as there is, let's work on it anyway. And let's be grateful.

****To hear an audio recording of Sarah Jane's funeral in its entirety, go to:

https://cvmortuary.com/obituary/sarah-jane-clayton/

Click on the right hand corner of the page where it says Funeral Service Audio. For the record, it was outstanding. The whole thing. The music was divine. That alone will make you weep.